[ forewarning, this is so sexual and i am so sorry at my attempt to write this. i want to be able to do this properly but DAMN it's so hard for me ]

JANUARY, 1994, SEATTLE, WA

       AS LINDY EXPECTED, she did not ring in the new year with Kurt, though she desperately wanted to. Instead, she had started to concoct a plan to wrangle Beth into going to a bar with her to drink their loneliness away together.

But surprisingly, Beth had other ideas for how she and Lindy would welcome in nineteen-ninety-four.

Their assigned ward of nurses and doctors (mostly nurses) had organized a small party at the house of none other than Jack. While Lindy felt odd celebrating at her ex-boyfriend's luxurious home, she didn't argue. It was better than being alone on such an important night of the year.

Trae and Allie had offered her the job of babysitting Hannah while they went out with friends, but as much as Lindy adored Hannah, she was glad to turn them down. More than anything, she wanted to be surrounded by people capable of carrying a conversation with her. She craved the human interaction.

The night had gone well and Lindy was proud of herself for not thinking too much about what Kurt and Courtney may or may not have been doing in their own New Year's celebrations. Nauseating mental images of them kissing and cuddling and having sex in whatever bed they might have been holed up in had threatened to ruin her entire night. 

Thankfully, she'd had the advantages of distractions. Being around Jack was nice rather than uncomfortable, and Lindy found herself attached at his side as the night stretched on. She consumed so much champagne that at one point, she and Jack had tumbled into his room, giggling like little kids.

"What did you have to tell me privately?" Lindy had laughed, sipping more golden champagne from her glass flute.

"That you're beautiful," Jack grinned.

Lindy was drunk, but she didn't look too deeply into Jack's compliment. Instead, she'd laughed more, leaning into him and playfully slapping his shoulder before clinging to it for balance. 

When the clock had neared midnight and the countdown chant began downstairs, Jack had stared at her earnestly, a sense of solemnity behind his hazy eyes.

"I want to kiss you even though I know it's not going to happen."

"We can't," Lindy insisted. Her intoxication had been powerful enough that it had given her reason to lay down onto Jack's bed, spreading her arms out and closing her eyes.

When the guests below had screamed 'Happy New Years!,' Jack had leaned down to kiss Lindy's forehead before chuckling.

She'd ended up spending the night at his house once she'd realized that she was too far gone to drive. He'd graciously given her his bed and made due with the couch downstairs.

When Lindy had woken up, she'd been rightfully mortified to know that she'd rendered herself incapable of getting home, but Jack was understanding.

"I'd rather you have been here than out on the streets drunk driving," he'd lectured, walking her out to her car the next morning.

"I hope this wasn't shitty of me to stay, though," Lindy grimaced, hoping he would understand what she secretly implied.

Jack raised his eyebrows innocently. "Oh. Well. It's not, Lindy. We're very close friends and I'd do anything for you. Plus, I'm sort of seeing someone right now, so it's more shitty of me considering what I said to you last night."

Lindy hadn't been shocked to hear that Jack was dating again. She was happy for him, in fact. Out of all people in the world, he certainly deserved to find love with the right girl. And she was just thankful that he even considered her as a friend.

Kurt eventually made it back home from his tour, earning a month long break before he and the rest of Nirvana launched the European leg of In Utero. His reunion with Lindy, while sweet and romantic, turned rocky once they started talking. 

"We bought a new house," Kurt explained to Lindy. He was sitting on her couch while she took down her modest little Christmas tree, removing each ornament one by one.

Lindy felt a flicker of annoyance. "Oh. Congratulations."

"I'm not telling you to rub it in your face," Kurt said, sounding defensive. "I just thought you might want to know."

"Well, I've got to admit Kurt, it's never easy hearing that you've bought a big, gorgeous house with your wife while I'm still waiting for you every day in this apartment."

It hadn't come out the way she'd intended — the last thing Lindy needed in her life was a big house to make her happy. But her point was still made. Kurt remained married to Courtney while she was alone, relying on their secret meet ups to combat her solitude.

"Linds, you know the situation," Kurt said under his breath.

Of course I do. If you weren't with her, you'd be with me and you would have kicked this stupid drug habit and you'd be happy.

"I don't know much about anything anymore, Kurt," Lindy sighed. She lifted up a cardboard box of ornaments and balanced it against her hip, walking into her bedroom. Kurt got up and followed.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing," Lindy asserted hastily. As angry as she may have been, the thought of banishing Kurt from her life again was too hard to handle. It was a prime case of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't.' She couldn't live without him, but being with him meant balancing pain.

"She'll take Frances, Lindy," Kurt alleged, frightened. "I can't lose Frances. All I know is that the second Courtney found out about you and me, she'd do everything to make sure I never saw my daughter again."

"She wouldn't have anything to hold against you if you stopped using," Lindy implored, knowing full and well that her assumption was right. If Kurt's life wasn't still so ravaged by heroin, he'd stand a chance against Courtney in a custody battle.

Kurt scoffed and swung moodily away from Lindy, unwilling to address his addiction with her. It was bad now. No longer could he plainly hide his drug use. It had become more of an unspoken truth between them. 

Stuffing the box of ornaments into the top shelf of her closet, Lindy slid the door shut and readjusted the hem of her sweatshirt. She could have engaged him in a full blown fight, but it was the very last thing she wanted to do. In the midst of so much despair in her life, fighting with Kurt hardly had a place on her agenda.

"You know I love you, Kurt. It's not easy loving you from afar though."

Kurt moved to her quickly, grabbing either side of her arms and pressing his forehead against hers. There was desperation in his voice as he spoke.

"I'm right here Lindy. You're loving me and I'm right here."

"You know what I mean," Lindy replied, shuffling out of his grip and walking around him back towards her now barren Christmas tree.

"I'm not happy with her Lindy, you've got to fucking know that. My life is hell. Besides Frances, you're all I've got and you're all I want, okay?"

There were so many things that Lindy wanted to say to him. She was tired of the secrets. She wanted to be with him, freely and openly, fixed in a place where she could help him heal. She believed him when he said that he was miserable, but she wanted him to finally do something about it. Of course there was a real risk of losing Frances, but he could have at least started in square one, which was to finally shake heroin.

No process had been so far made in that department.

"Okay," Lindy said, busying her hands in unplugging the tree lights. When she turned around, she nearly dropped the jumbled wire. Her gasp was strong enough to physically throb in her chest.

Kurt was in front of her and in his hand was a ring, wedged between his pointer finger and thumb. It was gleaming silver, and at the top was a neatly cut round diamond that threw shards of rainbow light onto the walls. Lindy did not have to ask to know it was an engagement ring.

Kurt was trembling. "I bought this in Arizona. Krist was with me when I did it."

"Kurt . . ." Lindy began, stepping back and raising her hand to her heart.

"I was going to wait to ask you until it felt right. But now's the time, I guess. You have to understand that I only want to live this life if you're in it with me."

Lindy was speechless as she listened to Kurt's account of why he'd bought the ring. She was enraptured by it, unable to stop staring at the sparkle it was giving off from his hand. There were so many moments that she had spent dreaming of what was happening to her now. 

"Be with me. Marry me," Kurt asked softly.

"I can't accept that," Lindy whispered. "Not while you're married to another woman. It doesn't work that way."

"It has to in this situation," Kurt argued. "I would have waited until I could get a divorce finalized, but you seem to think that I've chosen her over you. It's not like that Lindy. It has everything to do with Frances and that's it. This is me trying to show you that I want you and only you."

"But you want heroin too," Lindy said, her face filling with hurt at this undeniable fact.

Kurt didn't respond to her comment. He came forward and held the ring out, now outright pleading for her to accept it.

"Are you saying that you don't want to marry me?"

"I'm saying that I can't wear this ring when you're already married Kurt. It's fucked up."

Her declaration caused him intense pain. This was evident enough in his eyes and the crestfallen way he lowered the ring away from her face, completely defeated.

"But I'd marry you in a heartbeat if I could," Lindy added, her voice thick. It was true. If he weren't already betrothed to Courtney, Lindy would have driven them to the courthouse herself to settle the matter. She'd waited for so long to officially be with him.

"Will you at least keep it?" Kurt conceded sadly, once again holding the ring out to Lindy.

She took it from his fingers, folding it into the palm of her hand but neglecting to put it on. She wouldn't do it as long as he was still married. There was no way the ring would slide onto her finger while he was still with Courtney. And there was also no way that she would apologize for making that decision. 

"I'll ask for a divorce," Kurt said. "And then it will all be over."

Lindy nodded her head in understanding, feeling the sharp edges of the diamond cutting into her hand as she squeezed it tightly. She went into her room, setting it down on her nightstand and realizing in amazement that she'd actually turned down the man she loved.

Several moments passed before she felt the familiar feeling of Kurt's arms slipping around her waist. He kissed her neck urgently, moving his lips down to her collarbone and sucking gently on her skin. The sensation made Lindy sigh, leaning her head into him and wishing that the outcome of the situation could have been vastly different.

It was all so agonizing. Every day was a hostile battle to not live in regret over the things that had happened between them. Lindy was sick of blaming herself for letting him go. She despised having to berate herself every morning and every night for allowing him to walk out of her life. Otherwise, they'd be together with no worries.

Feeling a flare of enmity, Lindy spun against Kurt, connecting her mouth to his and kissing him with excessive force. It was the only suitable way in which she could release her frustration. Instead of pushing him away, she pulled him closer.

Kurt responded eagerly, nudging Lindy backwards with his hands on her hips until she was against the wall of her room. He pulled her sweatshirt off over her head and tossed it aside, kissing down her chest and stomach. She could feel the tip of his tongue tracing a line down between her breasts before he turned his focus to unbuttoning her jeans and tugging them off.

Lindy knew his intentions before the worn denim of her jeans had even come off around her ankles. When Kurt curled his fingers around the waistband of her underwear and maneuvered them down her legs, she nearly sank to the floor with contentment when his mouth found the spot he knew would most satisfy her. She tangled her fingers in his hair and uttered a stifled moan, her anger transitioning into bliss. In a move that surely proved that Kurt was not as shy as he usually seemed, he hitched one of Lindy's legs over his shoulder, angling his face to the side as he continued pleasuring her with his tongue.

Despite his wish to satisfy his own wants, he was not going to make the ordeal easy for her. Perhaps bitter over her answer to his proposal, he drew back from between her legs and grabbed her waist, shoving her back onto her bed. Lindy made a face at him, irritated with his cessation of the gratification he'd been giving her, but he ignored it.

Undoing the belt clasp on his jeans as well as the top button, Kurt stared into Lindy's eyes as he did so, taunting her by taking his time sliding his belt from its loops. He placed his hands on her knees and pushed her legs astride, lowering himself over her body and kissing her chest, neck and jawline.

"I hate you, you know," Lindy breathed. A part of her meant it, and not only because he was making her moan with need. She hated him for his addiction, his carelessness, his loss of direction in life. But her love outweighed it all and the hate she felt was only a figment of her imagination.

"Join the club," Kurt muttered. His hands were roving closer to the hot space in between her legs, and she felt her body convulse with longing.

Kurt was not one for patience. He gave in quickly to the way she sighed against him, pushing into her and gasping when he was reminded of how being inside her made him feel.

Lindy wrapped her legs around him, pinning him close so he wouldn't pull away again. By the way his hips moved eagerly against hers, she could have guessed that he wasn't planning to anyways.

"Kurt," she whimpered, dragging her nails down the length of his back when he grazed his teeth against her neck and moved his hips faster and harder.

The sound of his name on her tongue was all it took for him to press on, sending them both into a place where pleasure and love coexisted even in their personal hells.