DECEMBER, 1993, SEATTLE, WA

          THE ONLY DIFFICULT part about leaving New York for Lindy had been the fact that Kurt would be returning to his In Utero tour and would once again be saying goodbye to her after a terribly short reunion.

The same night that he had visited her hotel, he'd ended up leaving with the knowledge that Courtney would eventually return back to their own hotel expecting to see him there. He'd held Lindy tightly and she'd done the same, despising that their perfect night had to end the way it did.

She had laid beside him beneath the mountainous waves of bedding, curling her fingers around pieces of his hair and caressing lines down unshaven, stubbled his face. 

"I've got to go," he'd said. The words were uttered in a painful, twisted whisper. 

"I know," Lindy had replied. She'd painstakingly watched as he had gotten up out of bed, putting his clothes back on. The hours they'd spent together had flashed by and already felt like a memory to her. She wished that she could have reversed time, even just thirty minutes worth of it, so they could be back in bed playing twenty questions again. The game had become their shtick. There never tired of listening to other talk and didn't mind when they heard the same repetitive facts that they already knew about each other. Each was a reminder of much they knew one another, inside and out. They were the secret keepers of each other's souls.

"Kurt?" Lindy had said softly, sitting up and clutching the gold comforter to her chest.

Kurt had turned towards her as he buttoned his jeans. His mouth was set in a tight line.

"Yes?"

"Best night of your life?" she asked. One last question to their game -- one more nugget of truth about him that she could fall asleep thinking about. 

Kurt approached the bed and knelt against it with his knees, taking her face in the cradle of his palm and leaning his forehead against hers. She physically felt the whisper of his response as it had washed over his face in a rush of breath that smelled of sugar and cigarette smoke. 

"This night."

And then she had watched him leave, stuffing his trapper hat back onto his head and closing the door to the hotel room with a muted click.

It was painful and unfair.

To have watched Kurt give the performance of a lifetime and then spend one amazing night together, the best of his life, before he was whisked away was hard on Lindy. She regretted taking it for granted. Kurt had pulled off a surprising few hours in which he could see her, but then there was their goodbye and that had been it; their little sliver of heaven was cut short as they returned to their separate lives. She would go back to Seattle quietly, the memories of what had taken place being her only keepsake of the trip.

While the tour continued on, Lindy made herself busy at home as she always did when she wanted a distraction. She prepared for the upcoming holidays and worked extra hours at the hospital. During a later phone conversation with Trae, she was happy to dive into great detail about how wonderful the MTV Unplugged performance had been.

"It was so damn amazing, Trae. I've never seen him do anything like that before."

"I saw it on television. He did do really well. They all did. I was impressed."

"I really do love him," she said gently. Trae, bless him, never seemed to mind how often she declared her love for Kurt. He had already learned long ago that nothing would keep them apart.

"Is he coming around for Christmas?" Trae asked, sounding genuinely curious.

Lindy screwed up her lips, wishing she had a more positive answer to this question. "No. He and Courtney are taking a vacation together and he's also still on tour."

"Oh. I was going to ask you when you planned on letting me see him again. Maybe he could meet Hannah," Trae said lightly.

"I didn't know you wanted to see him."

"Of course I do. He's still my friend, Linds. And I wouldn't mind seeing Krist too." Trae laughed and Lindy imagined shaking him head. "My old friend, famous. I had a feeling it would happen." 

Lindy smiled, pleased to know that Trae was willing to associate with Kurt despite the awkwardness of when he'd found out that they were seeing each other again. The drug situation was definitely an obstacle, but Lindy was thankful that her brother was coming around anyways. He'd always do anything to make her happy.

"We'll get something together when they get back. It will be fun. Plus, I miss Hannah so damn much. It's been too long since I've held her."

"Uh, Lindy? You're not in a rush to get off the phone are you?"

"No. I don't leave for work for another two hours. What's up?"

Trae struggled with difficultly to explain the words that had rendered him incapable of speaking. He fumbled, sounding unsure of himself and just how he could phrase his announcement without being tongue-tied and nervous for Lindy's reaction. 

"Well, um, I don't know how to say this . . . but uh, I've heard from Dad."

"Is that so?" Lindy said coldly. Nothing in the world would make her want to talk about Lee, not even if the conversation was with Trae. She had avoided the subject for years and had intended to keep it buried beneath the surface of all the trauma that Lee had inflicted on her. 

"Yeah. I've been corresponding with him for awhile now, actually."

"Really? About?"

"It's not good, Lindy."

Lindy held her breath. 'Not good' didn't usually mean just 'not good.' 'Not good' meant very, very bad. She just couldn't guess what this meant.

"What's not good?"

"Dad, I mean." Trae sighed, hesitating for a moment. "Lindy, he's got cancer."

The news would have come as a totally devastating blow to anyone else but Lindy stood rather still when she heard that Lee was ill. She remained calm as she processed this information.

So Lee had cancer.

Was she mildly surprised? Yes. Hearing that anyone in her life was sick was not by any means something to be happy about. But at the same time, nothing seemed entirely detrimental about what Trae had said. When Lindy thought back to Lee's scowling face, always having glared down at her from the time she had turned two, she strangely felt no remorse.

"That's . . . sad," she said awkwardly. She didn't know what other condolence she could offer.

Trae sighed again, this one louder than before. "Lindy, I know you have a bad history with Dad, but this is a real shit storm. He's way more sick than I initially thought. I went to see him and I couldn't believe it. I don't know if he's going to be able to beat this."

"So what are you saying?" Lindy demanded, feeling frustrated. She could already guess what Trae expected out of her. 

"I'm saying that you should probably put aside your differences and go see our father before it's too late. He may not hang on for much longer."

He may not hang on for much longer.

This rang through Lindy's head, so loud and clear that Trae might as well have shouted it. She couldn't decide what emotions were overcoming her. More than anything, Lindy struggled to comprehend that the most daunting person in her life was about to meet their end. She had always figured that she would have celebrated this moment; how many times in the heat of her anger had she wished death on Lee?

Now she wasn't sure that she wanted his fate to reach him so soon.

"Trae, I haven't seen him in years," Lindy contended. Her throat was starting to close.

"I know that Linds. He asked me the other day if you lived in Los Angeles. That just goes to show how little he knows about you. You've got to bury the hatchet. I know you and I know you wouldn't want Dad to die without having fixed all that went wrong. That's not who you are."

"Why the hell did he ask if I lived in California?" Lindy asked, bewildered. She tried to remember if she had ever mentioned California to her dad, but besides having never expressed interest in moving there, she doubted that she would have told Lee anything about her life's plans. 

"I don't know. I didn't question it. He's not all there in his head right now. Like I said, you've just got to fix what went wrong."

"So much went wrong though," Lindy sighed, closing her eyes. "Not a day goes by that I don't hold him responsible for all that he did. To you, to me . . . to Mom."

"Lindy, you don't know the whole story," Trae cautioned.

"Then tell it to me. Because without it, I don't know if I can go to that house again and see his face. I swore I never would. Not even if this happened. He doesn't deserve my goodbye."

"I know you want to give one anyway," Trae said quietly. Lindy swallowed, hating how tight her chest felt. Having pity for Lee felt akin to having pity for Adolf Hitler. It was virtually impossible to feel.

"So what? I go say bye to my dying father after having cut off all communication with him? Sounds real nice. 'Hey, I know you're dying and all, so I guess goodbye.' That's real nice, Trae."

"I never said it would be easy, Lindy. It's just the right thing to do."

Lindy was close to pursuing the argument further, but a lovely face filled the space in her mind. Once again, she was recalling Hannah and what her mother would have insisted she do in this type of troublesome situation.

Of course, through the memory of her loving smile, Hannah was telling her daughter that she needed to go see her father. Even if it meant standing up to her old demons, it would have to happen. A warning lingered in Hannah's memory — it was one that foretold of great guilt if Lindy didn't mend her relationship with Lee before it was too late.

"Okay," Lindy grumbled. "I'll go see him."