APRIL 5th, 1994, SEATTLE, WA

          THERE WAS A dream that came to Lindy that night. It could have been classified as a nightmare too, but as she sat up in bed, gasping for air as she had two nights beforehand, she felt an epiphany strike her like lightning in a barren field.

In her dream, she had been standing outside of Kurt's Lake Washington home, a stormy sky threatening heavy rain above her head. She had been confused and looking for shelter, but hesitant to walk inside the house before her, the house where she knew that she was not welcome.

But then Kurt had appeared from behind, grabbing her hand and pulling her forward with a fast jerk. He looked upset, like he was in a rush to get somewhere and Lindy was holding him up.

"Kurt!" Lindy had cried out. Seeing him, even in dream form, was a sort of overwhelming relief. He always looked so perfect in her dreams. The detail of his face was all there, right down to the scruff on his chin and the sharpness of his jawline.

"Come on, let's go," Kurt urged, tugging Lindy along towards the house. He kept looking ahead with determination. Something was awaiting them both inside. 

"But why? You've got to come back with me! Everybody's looking for you! You don't understand!" Lindy resisted, yanking Kurt in the opposite direction. Her dream-mind was telling her that she had to bring Kurt back to her apartment and call everyone to let them know that he had been found. And then she would tell him about the baby, and all would be fine again.

"No, we've got to hide," Kurt objected. He turned around to face Lindy and right before her very eyes, he changed.

The handsome man that she had always known morphed into something completely different, though she had seen this face before as well. It was a face complete with blue lips and waxen skin, drained of color and pale as death. His eyes were sunken, rimmed purple and bloodshot. He was . . . dead. Or he at least, he looked as every bit dead as he stood in front of her, still holding her hand.

Lindy let out a small scream, stumbling backwards. She was reminded of when Kurt had nearly died in her bathroom, brushing close to death as a needle had hung from the vein in his arm leaking blood. 

"Trust me," Kurt said vigorously. "You know. You know. You know."

And then, Kurt fastened his grip tighter on Lindy's hand as the wind picked up and the trees began to bend. He pushed forward, staring ahead with fortitude in his deadened eyes. Lindy did not understand at first as to why Kurt, clearly depleted of life, wanted her to follow him into his house. But then she followed his line of sight.

He wasn't looking at the house. He was focused on the spot above his garage, covered by a pane of windows.

The greenhouse.

Lindy had woken up right after this, in a worse state than she had been in when waking up from the first dream. This one felt like it had very nearly killed her, causing her heart to slam so hard against her chest that it felt like her ribs had been crushed with the pressure of it. 

It wasn't even daylight yet as she sat up in bed, her legs tangled in the mess of sheets. She grabbed her throat, trying to force air out of her closing esophagus. Even in the darkness of her room, everything was coming together and making sense as she recalled the dream vividly. She pictured Kurt's face, hell bent on reaching that greenhouse before anyone could find them. He had not verbally stated that that was where he was going, but Lindy knew without a doubt that it was the place.

She remembered a conversation she had had with Kurt months prior, when they had laid in her bed and talked breezily about his newly purchased house with Courtney. He had complained about the place before making an observation about how the house had ended up benefitting him in the end.

I've found the best hide and seek spot in the world.

Lindy felt the horror dawn on her instantly as she heard Kurt's revelation playing over again from when he had first said it proudly, way back in January. Little had he known then that he was giving up a vital piece of information.

She jumped out of bed, not even bothering to check the clock. She moved mechanically, pulling on any random clothes that she could get her hands on. There was a rush to be made, and she could feel it vibrating in the air, a race against time. There was a reason that she had dreamt about the greenhouse. It was not a coincidence that once again, fate had intervened and gifted her a clue, courtesy of her and Kurt's connection.

Lindy was in the middle of racing for the phone, eager to call the hospital and let them know she would not be coming in that morning when she stopped in her tracks.

A small part of her, the part that was most reasonable even when she was overcome by a frenzy, whispered that maybe she was acting out. The possibility that her dream and the wild guess that she had made of Kurt being sheltered away in a greenhouse suddenly felt very silly.

She leaned against the wall, catching her breath and running back over the dream. It had been so ridiculous — a corpse-ish Kurt, leading her to the greenhouse that he had once joked made a good hiding spot? It wasn't exactly a credible argument. It didn't make sense. It wasn't possible, not even in the slightest, that Kurt had been cooped up in the secret spot above his garage for days without food and water. As far as Lindy knew, people had in fact been coming and going out of the Lake Washington house. If Kurt had even stepped foot inside, it would have been made evident.

Lindy ran both of her hands down her face, shaking her head. She was being pulled in two different directions, one that commanded her to check the greenhouse and another that deemed her dream to be childish nonsense.

She could see it now; she would go to Kurt and Courtney's house, making a scene for no absolute reason. Everyone would have assumed she was crazy, relying on her dreams to grant bread crumb trails to where Kurt was.

She sighed heavily, looking back to her bedroom where her bed called her. She could have dropped the whole thing and gone to bed, going back to sleep and preparing for a work day that would give a much needed distraction to everything going on around her. But the fear of forgetting the dream nudged at her.

The idea was growing even more stupid with each minute that passed. Lindy felt crazy and delusional as she reviewed her dream again, embarrassed that she had nearly taken it so seriously. She wandered back into her bedroom, sitting on the mattress edge and learning forward to rid herself of the nausea spell brewing in her stomach.

It was not real. She had to keep telling herself that. It was nothing but a dream, a fragment of an old conversation that she had remembered in the heat of her anxiety.

She should have gone back to sleep and forgotten it. She wanted to. But the notion of 'what if' kept her wide awake.

Lindy could count numbers of times when she and Kurt's uniquely strong connection had led them back to one another. Whatever strange force that the universe held was clearly attuned to them both. The whole 'soulmate' spiel that Kurt had once given Lindy stuck with her, and she was unable to shoot down the hope that this belief, that they truly were soulmates, could work magic that would help her find him.

Lindy stood up, flexing her hands at her side and taking slow, labored breaths.

Fuck it, she thought. I've got to check or I'll go fucking crazy.

She headed back towards the phone, intent on calling the hospital and then Krist to let him know that she was on to something. He would have to pass the message to Courtney, so she would at least know that Lindy was planning on being at her house that day. She knew something that no one else did. In the depths of her heart, Lindy felt like she finally understood.

This understanding came with a price though. As Lindy dialed the number to work, she prepared herself for a different outcome to the one she had been praying for. Even she was smart enough to know that finding Kurt would not necessarily mean finding him alive.

If she went to the greenhouse, there was a very good chance that she would find him dead. And that was something she would have to live with forever. The memory of his dead body — her final image of him.

_________

The drive to the Lake Washington house went by faster than Lindy anticipated. She was numb the whole way there, keeping the radio off and listening only to the rushing thoughts clouding her head and the sound of morning traffic all around her.

Courtney had readily given her permission to 'search wherever she damn well wanted.' She had not at all seemed to care that Lindy was going to her house when she wasn't home, even if she claimed that Cali was still lounging in the inside. This only made Lindy more disheartened by the hope that maybe Kurt was alive in the greenhouse. He couldn't have been, not if someone else was at home with him.

When she pulled up the long driveway, she shut the car off but sat inside of it. It would take effort, lots of effort, to get out of her car and find out the truth. She wasn't sure what she wanted more. To not find him at all would have been obviously better than finding him dead. She wasn't sure if she would able to withstand the sight of it. 

Lindy bowed her head, silently praying to herself. She had never been very religious and had always resented God for taking away her mother, but now, she was prepared to ask for any help that could be given. She was willing to make any exchange if it meant keeping Kurt alive, not just for her, but for so many people, including their baby.

She gritted her teeth together and finally exited the car, shutting the door more quietly than she ordinarily would. The greenhouse faced her, hauntingly bizarre after she had just seen it so vividly in her dreams.

It had all culminated into this. This very moment would define the rest of Lindy's life and she knew it. She knew that if he was dead, she had to be the one to find him. Daylight was peeking over the horizon, and she wanted to get to him fast, before the rest of the world woke up. For a moment, she wanted it to be only him and her.

That is, if he was alive.

She approached the greenhouse the way one would face death, a worthy opponent in a lifelong battle of downfalls and continuous pain. Lindy never took her eyes off the windows, wondering if her blazing stare would alert Kurt, hopefully still breathing, that she had finally come for him.

Wandering around the corner of the garage, Lindy spotted a set of wooden stairs that would take her up to the greenhouse's French doors. She took them one at a time, listening to each creak and groan that the wood made under her feet. Each step felt like a nail driven into a coffin, furthering her sick feeling that Kurt was already gone. Whatever she was going to find wasn't going to be good. But still. It should have been that way.

She needed to be the one to find him. Even if it meant finding him cold and blue and soulless.

Once upstairs, Lindy felt herself shaking so badly that she could not keep her fists inside the pockets of her jacket. Even her teeth were hammering against each other in a relentless chatter though no chill was in the air. The French doors were right in front of her. They were hard to see through the scratched and patterned glass, but regardless, she could have peered inside and gotten her answer.

I need you. Be alive. Be here. With me. With our baby.

She walked closer, the inside of the greenhouse becoming more visually clear.

I should have told you about the baby a long time ago. I know that now. But if you're alive, I won't ever lie to you again. I will take care of you. Please.

Lindy was close enough to the doors that she could see past the glass. Underneath the handles from the inside was a stool, balanced there as a barrier to prevent entry. She stepped forward, now so close that she could almost touch her nose to the glass.

She started to cry hysterically, pressing her hand to her mouth so she that wouldn't scream. She could see his legs. They were splayed out in front of him, completely still and clad in jeans and his last pair of Converse sneakers.

She knew. Lindy knew it. He was gone.

But she had to be brave and open the door. She had to hold him and pick his body up off the floor so no one else could. It was always meant to be her. Always.

Through her sobs, she wrapped her fingers around the outside door handle, prepared to open it and shove the stool out of the way. Her lips quivered, tears running a river path down her cheeks.

I loved you. I still love you. Why? WHY?

And then Lindy opened the door.