DECEMBER, 1992, SEATTLE, WA

            IF IT WERE not for the fact that she was so intensely aware of her situation, Lindy would have thought that she was finally down-spiraling into a long-awaited insanity. 

The last month of her life had been the most upheaving period that she had yet to ever experience, and it had everything to do with the fact that Kurt continued to show up to her apartment every other day.

It was incredibly maddening.

There were too many things that Lindy was feeling, too many emotions to pick through and ponder over. She was torn between her immense guilt over her relationship with Jack and also Kurt's relationship with Courtney, but she also felt rotten for having kept his visits entirely secret from the two people that she trusted most; Trae and Beth.

Something had internally urged her to keep quiet on the matter. She felt that she would be jeopardizing too much if she allowed even just one more soul to know that Kurt had come back into her life with prompt expectations to stick around.

The only real thing that subsided her sickening guilt was Kurt himself. When he did visit, the nights that he spent sitting in Lindy's apartment with her were some of the fondest memories that she had yet to create with him.

There was certainly an odd strain due to their history together, but when Kurt was around, all that was blatantly evident was that he needed someone to talk to whom he trusted with his life. Lindy felt the importance that he associated with her. It was always obvious when they would talk late into the night, Kurt usually venting about the downfalls of his fame and his desire to maintain his underground punk rock teachings.

"You never know what you're signing yourself up for," Kurt had expressed to her one night, exasperated over his label's wish to 'tone down' the intensity of Nirvana's new record.

"Don't we all?" Lindy had said back sympathetically. Kurt had scoffed under his breath.

"You can't tell me that nursing wasn't everything that you expected it to be, Linds."

"It's not actually," Lindy countered. "It's harder than I ever would have imagined. I'm constantly dealing with the hardness of it each day. But . . . it's what I love."

This answer had not soothed Kurt's irritation and Lindy soon came to understand that his troubles with stardom were something deeply personal to him, something that she would not be able to take into her own hands and problem-solve. 

On other nights, Kurt constantly maneuvered his way through dozens of questions for Lindy regarding her life and everything that had happened to her since he'd left. He even asked questions that he already knew the answer to and when Lindy reminded him of this, he would smile proudly and tell her that he was making sure he had remembered everything properly.

When Kurt finally had the courage to acknowledge Jack, who had called Lindy not once but several times in the midst of his many visits, it had turned out to be quite awkward.

"Does he love you?" Kurt had asked quietly. The muscle in his jaw had started jumping again. 

"Yes," Lindy answered back plainly, unwilling to give Kurt anything but the truth.

He never asked about Jack again.

With Christmas only three days away, Lindy had attempted to rid her mind of all things Kurt and focus on the holidays. She'd gone shopping for gifts hoping that it would relieve her mind of his constant presence, but when she saw a new guitar strap that would have made for a good Christmas present for him, she mentally groaned.

I'll tell Trae and Beth only if he keeps seeing me after the new year, Lindy thought, sitting on her apartment floor while sifting through wrapping paper.

She figured that if Kurt remained in her life once nineteen-ninety-two came to a close, then it would be more serious than she thought. Only then would she let anyone else know. She did not want to rile herself up thinking that he'd always be there when she needed him, showing up at her doorstep in the cold with a look in his eye that made it clear how badly he wanted to be around her.

Jack, on the other hand, was an entirely different matter of handling.

She had argued with herself endlessly that hiding the whole thing from him had been seriously messed up on her part. No matter what, she did have feelings for Jack, and did not want to betray them by toying with the idea that she may be in love with someone else.

The real problem was that Lindy did not think that she had fallen in love with someone new during she and Jack's relationship. She had already been in love with someone beforehand. That love had never petered out in her heart. 

A pounding knock on her front door made her jerk with shock. The scissors that she had been gliding through a sheet of wrapping paper swerved wayward, destroying the neat line she'd been cutting.

She glanced at the clock. It was nearly midnight. Kurt usually never came by that late.

If it's even him, she thought, getting to her feet and hurrying towards the front door.

Sure enough, Kurt was awaiting her greeting outside, except his face was a mask of pure pain when Lindy pulled open the door.

"Are you okay?" Lindy said automatically, skipping the pleasantries out of concern for Kurt's anguished expression. She guided him inside, placing a hand on his shoulder. The ability to reach out and touch him was something that she was still not entirely used to.

"No," Kurt swallowed. He pulled his gloves off and tossed them on the coffee table. "I'm not okay. Courtney kicked me out of the hotel room."

Lindy nudged her Christmas wrapping supplies off to the side with her foot, leading Kurt to her couch and sitting down with him. This would not be the first time that Kurt had mentioned fighting with Courtney. By the sound of it, they had had plenty of disagreements.

"But why? What happened?"

Kurt mumbled something unintelligible, talking into his lap. Lindy's face fell slack when she easily pieced together why Courtney may have evicted Kurt from their temporary home.

"Is it about . . . heroin?"

Kurt cursed, throwing himself backwards into the couch. "She's a hypocrite, man! She can shoot up a few times, brag that she's going to get clean, but I cave in once and I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad parent."

Lindy did not know what to say. She couldn't help but to feel that Courtney, regardless of her own experience with drugs, may have been right. At least she was attempting to get clean. It appeared that Kurt had no desire to do the same. 

"She'll be hooked again in no time, just watch," Kurt rambled, seeming to be talking more to himself rather than Lindy. He patted his pockets down in search for his pack of smokes.

"That doesn't mean that you get to be hooked, Kurt," Lindy said vigorously. She put her hand atop Kurt's, stopping his search for his cigarettes. He stared at her with a mix of fear and spite.

"Who said I was hooked?" he said tightly.

"I'm not stupid, Kurt. You don't lie well to me. You never have."

"Do you know how much it helps my stomach? Do you?" Kurt said angrily, leaping to his feet and ripping his cigarettes out of his pocket. He lit one quickly, slipping it between his lips in one swift motion. His mouth was trembling.

"I need a place to stay," he began. "I know I could go check in at any motel I want but I just want to be with you tonight. I knew I had to come here as soon as I left."

Lindy desperately wanted to be touched by his words, but her mind was still lingering on Kurt's drug use. She was sure that he had no intention of using her apartment as a hide out to get loaded; if he wanted to do that, he could have gone to a motel, like he said. But she didn't want him to get any ideas.

"You can stay. But not to get high, Kurt. You have to cut that shit out if you want me in your life," Lindy said, her voice carrying not even the slightest tremor. Her only goal was making it explicitly clear to Kurt what she expected out of him. She had already accepted his intertwined history with heroin, but she didn't want to see it extend into the future.

"I want you in my life," Kurt said. There was a note of panic in his voice. Panic perhaps, over the thought of losing Lindy for a second time.

"Then we have an understanding."

Lindy, who was exhausted from a long work day, was looking forward to bedtime. She and Kurt's usual long, drawn out conversations would have to be put on hold for the night.

And besides, she did not want to imagine what Jack would do if he found out what was going on.

"You can sleep in my bed," Lindy told Kurt.

Immediately, Kurt's face flushed. "Your bed? With you?" he said slowly.

Lindy's cheeks turned a color that rivaled the pink hue on Kurt's face as well. She backtracked on what she had said, realizing what it had sounded like.

"No, um, I meant that you can have my bed. I'll sleep on the couch. You look like you could use a good night's sleep."

Kurt snorted. "I'll do a lot of things Lindy, but I sure as hell won't let you sleep on the couch."

Lindy did not put up much of a protest. More than anything, she craved the comfort of her own bed, a place where she could daydream about things easily. Things that helped her sleep. Things that she could not have except in her dreams.

After she had retrieved pillows and a blanket for him, Lindy bid Kurt goodnight, standing in her doorway as she watched him place his pillows neatly on the end of the couch like a little boy making his bed.

"Help yourself to anything," she offered before flicking off the hall light. Before darkness extinguished its yellow glow, she had seen Kurt's tiny little smirk of a smile, flashed her way over his shoulder. It had made her heart stammer so hard that she thought that it had come unhinged from her blood vessels.

As she climbed between her sheets, snuggling closer to her blankets and listening to the faint sound of Kurt getting comfortable on her couch, she felt a thick peace spread overhead like a foggy haze.

There was something comforting in knowing that Kurt was in the other room. He was close to her and that made it easier to fall asleep. She could only guess that being near to the person you loved could have that effect.

She slept better than she had in over two years.

_________

The next morning hit Lindy with a series of shock waves that she was becoming steadily used to. 

She had gotten ready for work with ease, not concerned about the fact that Kurt was sleeping only a few feet away on her couch. But then she'd gone into the living room.

As she stood over him, watching him breathe softly with his hand tucked under his face, she realized the magnitude of what she was doing.

I have a literal rockstar sleeping on my couch.

Technically, Kurt was not so much of a rockstar to her, but more so like the kid that she had shared her first everything with. What made it weird was the thought that she could have flipped on MTV at that precise moment and seen him playing his guitar on television. With his famous band. In his very own music video.

When she arrived at work, Beth was waiting for her at the hospital entrance next to the sliding glass doors, powdering her nose in a compact mirror.

"Hi Lindy," she said in a sing-song voice as Lindy walked up. Lindy felt another predictable wave of regret over having not told her told her best friend the truth about what she was hiding. Yet at the same time, she still could not convince herself into revealing something that had become deeply personal to her. 

As the day dragged on, Lindy kept herself very busy hoping that she would not run into Jack. They'd seen each other sparsely over the last few weeks and although Jack seemed only slightly miffed by this, Lindy feared that he would find out what she was up to.

She took refuge in a break room at half past noon, sighing heavily and heading straight for the coffee machine. Several other nurses were hanging around, all of them sipping on their own coffees and gossiping. The radio was playing in the background.

"Change the station," one nurse demanded. Her request was answered as another nurse turned the radio dial, pausing when a blaring guitar riff exited the speakers.

"Ugh, not this," the blonde-haired nurse grumbled, raising her cup to her lips.

"No, leave it here! I love Nirvana," said the nurse who'd asked for the station change. Sure enough, 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' was in the midst of its usual airtime.

Lindy resisted the urge to groan as she dumped a packet of sugar into her coffee, wondering if it would be possible to tune the sound of Kurt's vocal chords out of her mind for even just a passing minute.

It was a fruitless attempt to stop thinking about him.

No matter what, Kurt followed her everywhere.