I'm laying on my bed, it's dark, it's night, probably 3 am? What do I know? I'm staring at the ceiling, feeling guilty for things I'm not responsible for. Letting my dark thoughts take control of me. Letting my depression become my home.

I wasn't like this before, well.. not until I started realising how bad of a person I am, and how bad, in society's eyes, the things that I did and happened to me are.

It all started when I was seven. Can you blame a seven year old for believing that her mother doesn't love her? I don't think so.. but I still felt guilty, I still felt like I was never enough. Maybe it's all in my head, and the mommy issues I think I have are just a trend for me that I want to join, and maybe not.

I'm feeling numb, scared, and hopeless. I turn off my phone and put it next to me. I'll start university in 2 days, and I just broke up with the boy I love.

I kept telling him that all I do is hurt him, so the best option would be to leave him, and he kept telling me that the only thing that would hurt him is me leaving him. But he doesn't understand. Hurting him by leaving is way better than hurting him by staying. And it is for the best, that we parted ways tonight. He will realize it later, he deserves better.

I do believe in love, wholeheartedly. I just don't believe that it's made for me.

I am meant to be alone, I am cursed, I hurt my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and even a stranger would be hurt by seeing me in the street. Yes. My self esteem is THAT low.

I sometimes feel so guilty that suicidal thoughts seem so stupid. Of course, it would make people around me happier, but it would be too easy. I must live, to feel pain, to punish myself for things I'm not culpable for.