[NSFW ahead, my lovelies. ฅ(*°ω°*ฅ)]

✾ Bird of Paradise ✾

I lay there, listless and partially paralyzed. The only remaining kernel of energy I had left, which may have kept me going, had sunken deep down into my fears and hadn't moved since. It was now immersed and drowning. Because of this, I'd retreated to my room in the middle of what was supposed to be a relaxing night out. I'd meant to forget my worries in a haze of alcohol, and yet there I was, tossing and turning in them like a fool. 

I used to share such intimate looks with strangers. Across a room or a street or behind a bar. I'd look at them knowing full well that the way I did so awakened something in them. I could always feel their desire slowly coming to life. It was a funny thing watching their expressions shift rapidly from surprised to confused to intrigued. 

Earlier that night, I'd caught a girl looking at me in that same seductive way. She was beautiful, of course. The ones who initiate in such a bold manner usually were. But I found myself immediately looking away from her. 

The realization that I no longer desired other people--despite the fact that I'd never been allowed to touch James' body--sent me reeling. I left the party with an aching heart long before I'd even gotten close to a buzz. 

Perhaps I did so because the pain was a reminder that there was something tying me to James, other than his being my professor. It wasn't just a dream. Despite his neglect, I didn't want it to be one. If I erased the pain, I erased James. And I couldn't have that.

Someone knocked on my door. Well, more like pounded. I groaned and pulled my pillow over my head. "Fuck off, Nicholas!" I shouted. I couldn't deal with that overly curious weasel. 

The idiot knocked again and I pitched my shoe at the sound. It thudded against the wood and fell to the ground. "I said fuck off!" 

"It's not Nicholas..." he said quietly.

I sat up straight, panic seizing my throat. Fast as lightning, I was up, across the room, and yanking the door open. James was standing there wearing a dark turtleneck, his glasses hanging perilously from the tip of his nose. I forgot for a moment that I was supposed to be angry at him. He was so precious. 

I grabbed his arm and yanked him into my room. "What the hell are you doing here? This is a student dorm, and you're a professor." 

"I knew you had a single," he said. He looked around my room, and I felt suddenly awkward. It wasn't that it was dirty, or anything. It's just that the walls and my desk bore probably hundreds of photographs, drawings, post-cards, and posters--of places I'd lived, people I'd loved, all of my little fascinations--which basically displayed everything about me for him to see. And when it felt like I knew so little about him...

He picked up one of those photographs, a framed one of my family and me in front of the Colosseum in Rome, and stared at it like it held instructions on how to defuse a bomb in Swahili. I took it from him and set it back down, causing him to look a little upset. "You know you shouldn't be here. Just because I don't have a roommate doesn't mean you should just swing by."

James deflated. "Yeah. Sorry. I'll go, then." He turned to escape. 

"You're not even going to argue with me?" I asked, disappointed. Surely, he'd come to me for a reason?

He froze and turned to look at me. I watched him nervously pull at the neckline of his sweater. I pressed a hand to my stomach, suppressing the desire to kiss the little spot of skin he revealed. "Do you want me to argue?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes, sitting on my bed. "You're hopeless." 

He hunched his shoulders nearly to his ears and stared at the ground. "I know." 

I bit the inside of my cheek. "Why did you come?" 

"I wanted to talk to you," he said, stepping closer. He shoved his hands in his pockets. 

"You could've fooled me," I said. 

"What?"

"I haven't seen or talked to you in a week," I said angrily. 

He stepped closer to me, opening his mouth to explain. When I realized that he intended on joining me on the bed, I stopped him, pressing my foot to his stomach. He held my ankle tightly. "Amory, I'm sorry. I had to finish things. I didn't feel like I could see you until-" 

"You are two-timing écume," I growled. 

"What?" 

I hated that he was acting surprised. "Scum," I said harshly. "Stop touching me." 

But thankfully he didn't remove his hands. "I'm not two-timing." 

"So you admit you're scum." I tried to pull my leg back, but he wouldn't let me. 

He knelt in front of me. "I admit it," he said calmly. 

I frowned. "You never say what I want you to say." 

"What do you want me to say?" he asked, kissing my knee. 

That I'm the only person you love. "Don't kiss me." 

He kissed me again. "I'll say anything," he said. "Do anything."

"I saw you with Beth," I said. "I saw you kiss her." 

He shook his head. "Whatever you're thinking, it's not that." 

"Why not?" I asked. "I never told you to leave her. We never spoke about what--" ...we are. I couldn't get out the word 'we.' 

"And I love you for it," James said suddenly, leaning closer to me.

I stared at him, shocked. "You-"

"You never told me what to do. You simply showed me what could be and told me it was alright to want it." 

"All I did was kiss you," I said, looking away from him. 

I felt his laughter against my leg. "If that's true, why are you blushing?"

"I'm not. I don't blush." 

"Amory, don't be angry with me." 

"But I want to be." 

"Such a mean streak you have in you," he said. I tensed when James' hand slid along my thigh. I hadn't been with anyone in a while and was incredibly pent up. As such, I felt his touch burn deep into my skin. "What happened to the sweet, innocent Amory I know?" 

"I've never been innocent," I said, grabbing his wrist before I gave in to his coaxing. 

He straightened. There was a dangerous look in his eye. It was luring me in. "I kissed her to say goodbye," he said. 

"Goodb-"

"Are you still angry?" he asked, kissing my fingers where I held his arm. 

"If you were leaving her, why didn't you call me? Why didn't you say anything?" I asked, still anxious. 

He smiled. "You don't care that I kissed her?" 

"Not if it's the last time." 

Slowly, he stood. He gazed down at me, smiling calmly. "You're a surprise at every turn." 

"Why didn't you call me, James?" 

He sighed and touched my chin. "I didn't feel like I could until I'd ended things with her properly and moved out," he replied. "I didn't want to be two-timing scum." 

"You should have just told me that." 

"Probably," he agreed, still smiling. "But I'm scum, remember?" I glared at him. He sighed, defeated by my frustration. "Ok, fine. I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I might have been testing you." 

"Testing me? Why? Did I pass?" 

James nodded. "I thought you might lose interest. It's hard for me because I can't tell whether you're serious while for the life of me I can't stop thinking about you, Amory."

"Oh, come on," I said, collapsing onto my side. "You can't say that." 

"Why can't I? I don't have a girlfriend." 

"You're straight, aren't you?" 

"Says who?" he asked, raising a dark eyebrow.

I closed my eyes and groaned, dragging my hands over my face. "J'abandonne."

"Amory." He called my name gently, affectionately. I felt him sit on the bed beside me. 

"J'abandonne," I groaned. I peeked at him through my fingers. "I can't stand you, but I can't stand without you."

He was smiling again. "So you'll be mine?" he asked. 

I reach out and pulled him down beside me. "Don't recite messages from candies, strange old man," I said before crushing my lips to his. I pulled at his sweater, entering his mouth with my tongue so that I could taste the soft sweetness of him. I felt composed and yet my heart slammed violently in my chest. 

"You're right--" James said, gasping for breath. He smoothed my hair from my face and kissed me again. "You aren't innocent." 

I smirked and pulled the collar of his silly turtleneck down, pressing my lips his neck and feeling his pulse against them. His skin there was hot on my lips. "And I'm not an old man," he whispered as I kissed him. 

"You might as well be dust," I joked. 

All of a sudden, James was straddling me. In one fluid movement, he'd removed his sweater and the thin shirt that lay underneath, tossing them aside. "I'm not old," he insisted. 

I could barely breathe. I reached up and touched his smooth chest. It was surprisingly toned and a soft, warm beige color. I felt the solidity of his hips beneath my hands, moved to trace the thin line of hair that led down below the waistline of his jeans. 

"You look like you've found a new toy you like," he said. His chest was still moving rapidly as though it weren't his chest I was touching. 

I sat up slowly until our bodies were pressed against each other. "You're not a toy to me." I slid my hand along his thigh, grabbing his ass. He responded by holding my hair and tilting my head back, kissing me with a little moan. He settled against my body like a cat in sunlight. 

"Je veux te baiser, James," I said. 

He bit his lip and shifted his hips. "I can feel that," he whispered. 

"It's because I want you," I said, holding his thighs and pushing against him. He sucked in a sharp breath. "Permettez-moi de vous avoir."

"I like how you're looking at me," he said, leaning over me. 

"How am I looking?" 

"Like you desperately need me." He leaned in for a kiss, but withheld it, leaving my lips wanting. It was unexpected, but I liked his teasing. "Like you'd do anything to have me." 

I felt him bending me to his will. A part of me wanted to resist it, but I knew I didn't stand a chance against him. His body was barely exposed, but I swear he was the most erotic creature I'd ever seen. "I would do anything," I said, kissing his chest. "I will."

"Then tell me what you want me to say." I blinked. My mind was hazy. Touching his skin was making me drunk. 

"What?"

James held my face, forcing me to look at him. "Tell me what you want to hear, and I'll let you touch me." 

I felt anguished. "Injuste," I mumbled.

"What was that?" 

"Just tell me the truth," I said, meeting his eyes. "Just the truth." 

"The truth about what?" he asked, confused. 

I groaned. "Why do I have to-" 

"You mean about us?" he asked. 

I flushed and hid my face in his chest. He held me close and chuckled. "I'm not sure I know the whole truth, Amory," he said. "That's a tall request." I knew it. I knew he wouldn't-- "But I can tell you that I feel just as desperate for you." I met his eyes, attempting to determine whether he was being honest. "All at once, I realized that you make me feel alive, which made me both incredibly happy and unbearably sad. Because apparently, despite what I believed, I haven't been living this whole time. I've been pretending, doing things the way people told me to do them."

"James, I-" 

"Meeting you made me realize that I needed to make choices for myself. The way you do," he said, caressing my face like I was made of glass. "And I chose you." 

"And now?" I asked nervously. 

"Now I want the alarmingly sexy man in front of me--" He leaned close to my ear so that his breath made me shiver. "--to rip my clothes off and fuck me."

"Fuck--" I swallowed despite difficulty. "Fuck you? As in... You want me to--" 

"I thought you weren't innocent?" he teased. 

"And I thought you wanted to be the one to... Since it's your first time, I thought-"

"Maybe next time, Amory. But right now, I want to know what it feels like to have you inside me," he said. A shiver passed through my entire body. My muscles went weak. My skeleton was on fire.

James smiled devilishly. He knew what he was doing to me. "That looks painful." He reached down and touched me. I wriggled slightly beneath him. "Think I should do something about it?" 

I nodded. "You should." 

"What should I do?"

"Let me have you," I begged. I felt my whole body being monopolized. Every touch he gave me, every kiss he let me taste, even the confident, alluring look in his eye had gradually won me over. And I bowed before him, knowing that in that moment he could ask anything of me and I'd agree. 

He lifted my shirt off my shoulders. "Amory," he said smoothly, seductively peering at me from behind his lashes. Slowly, he dragged his glasses from his face. "I'm not sure you're aware of this, but I'm already yours." 

I was half-delirious. Soon, James' bare body was laid out before me, trembling slightly. His cheeks were flushed and his hair mussed. His warm eyes sparkled up at me. "I could look at you like this for eternity. Pour le reste de ma vie."

One of his hands clenched his own thigh as I sent another bit of pleasure through his body. I watched him closely as he inhaled sharply and exhaled rapidly. "Don't wait, Amory," James said. "I'm already used to-" He squeezed his eyes shut tight, his lips parting. No sound came out of him. He didn't even breathe, but withdrew from me slightly, caught off guard. 

I smiled. "You felt that, didn't you?" 

"I wasn't ready," he said quietly, tentatively opened his eyes and leaning once more into my touch.

"It's ok, James. Now I know where you feel good. If you wait, I'll make your whole body burn with plaisir." I leaned over and kissed him. 

"God," he exhaled. "Who the hell taught you to say something like that?"

I kissed his chest. "I am self-taught. Le croire ou pas."

He closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. "Say something else to me in french." 

I smiled and leaned close to him. "Tenez-vous sur mes épaules et respirez."

He sighed and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, smiling. "What does that mean?"

"It means 'hold onto my shoulders and breathe,'" I said. 

His eyes widened. Perhaps it was revenge for his teasing. Maybe I was still a little angry at his silence. But I didn't wait for him.

James inhaled sharply, pushing slightly at me shoulders. His nails pressed into my skin, but I barely felt it. He was so warm around me that my brain went blank. "You asshole," he growled. 

"Sorry," I said. I felt frozen in place. There wasn't enough oxygen in the world. "Don't cry." 

"I'm not crying," he protested, pulling me close to him again. "My eyes are just watering." 

"I'm sorry," I whispered, nuzzling his neck. 

He caressed my back. "Move, Amory."

"Already?"

"I thought you said you'd do anything?" 

I gave in immediately to the seemingly supernatural force urging my hips to move. I ached to be deeper inside of him, but didn't want to go too hard too fast. I moved slowly, just barely. I thought he'd hardly feel it, but James reacted as though I'd thrusted up to the deepest parts of him. "This is-" he panted, arching his back slightly. I leaned down and kissed his knee, coaxing him to look at me. His lightly bit his own hand, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.

I stared at the spot where our bodies joined. The sight of it was so tantalizing, I nearly lost control entirely. "Feel past the pain, amour," I said. "It's there."

Pleasure tore through my body, possessing me and urging me forward. I wanted to withhold out of consideration. If I hurt him too much, I feared he'd be turned away from this forever, his curiosity sated. But despite my fears, I couldn't stop, hungrily kissing him as I pushed myself deeper inside his body. I watched him twitch as I reached the spot I knew would drive him mad.

To my surprise, his legs tightened around my waist. He started moving his hips with me. I paused, coming to my senses slightly. "I'm sorry, I--" He withdrew his hand from his mouth, his lips shining, and grabbed the sheets above his head. 

"You keep going," he ordered, breathless. He pulled me farther inside of him with his legs. "Don't stop. Don't apologize. Just keep going." 

A wildness overtook me. I'm ashamed to say that I lost nearly all consideration of James' comfort. But I would soon discover that he was incredibly sensitive, more than anyone I'd ever touched. It didn't take much for his occasional cries to shift from pain to absolute pleasure, desperate and delighted. 

But despite the pleasure he was clearly feeling, James was a quiet lover. He called my name only once and never cursed. Yet I knew he was being carried away by the sensations across his body just as I was. I paid close attention to the shuttering of his breath, what caused him to clutch the sheets tighter, and his small moans. 

I hadn't expected James' body to be so suited for sex. He was downright sinful, a siren, an incubus. "Come inside of me, Amory," he whispered. The devil himself.

"Wait-" I unraveled immediately, shuttering and collapsing against his chest. "Mon--dieu," I choked. "You can't-"

Briefly, I thought I'd let him down. But I realized as I returned to my senses that he was suddenly tightening around me, lifting his head from the pillow. I watched in wonder as he climaxed silently save for the tiny pant he let out as he fell back against the bed. 

I kissed the sweat on the side of his face as I gently withdrew.

"It's so warm," he said, touching his stomach. 

I lightly touched his entrance, still twitching and wet. He flinched slightly and pulled me close to him, devouring my mouth. When he was satisfied, he bit my lip friskily. 

"Are you alright?" I asked. 

He closed his eyes as I smoothed my hand flat along his torso, which was still heaving and damp with sweat. He shakily replaced his glasses and a shot of adoration pierced me, my lips pulling at a smile, as he pushed them up with his pinky. "I've never felt anything like that." 

"We have to clean you," I said quietly, tracing a circle around his left nipple. 

"Come live with me in Arizona," he said suddenly. I stared at him, my hand going still. 

"What?" 

"I got a job offer, and I'm taking it. I can't stand New York," he explained. 

I sat up. The man was still lying before me flushed with sex, covered in sin, and here he was, asking me this. "Are you serious? You're leaving?" 

"But I'm not leaving you. I need you to come with me." 

I scowled. Isn't this exactly what Beth had asked him to do? But it didn't matter. I knew. How easily I knew...

"You won't..." James looked away from me. He genuinely looked like he might break. "You don't want to." 

"James, I'll-"

"I've just been unhappy for so long, and I got this opportunity to finally do what I want to do, to be respected and teach the way I want to teach. I could be happy there." He looked at me. My heart twisted as his lip trembled. "But I don't think I can be happy without you anymore." 

My mind was still reeling, but I'd never stayed in one place for long, anyway. I'd only felt bound to New York because it was where James was. I would miss Sallie and Beau, but knew that my restless soul craved the next part of my life. 

I smiled and took James' hand. "What's the weather like in Arizona these days?"