✾ Love Lies Bleeding ✾

It wasn't an unusual day, or anything. Class that particular afternoon was about Kant's ideas, specifically his thoughts about our connection to--and, in my opinion, reliance on--time and space, about how the way we interact with the world is based largely on our shallow perceptions of phenomena around us and not their underlying causes. 

As one might expect, my brain was getting quickly fatigued. But it was more than just the subject material that left me exhausted. I hadn't slept well the night before. 

I turned twenty at 5:06 AM that morning. As a kid, Mom used to wake me up the very minute of my birth with a bear hug and a shower of kisses. In her absence, I lay awake anyway, both missing her and thinking and thinking about Ren's plans. Our plans. 

And, of course, there was also Amory. As soon as I sat down next to him in class, he'd leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, "Happy birthday. Also, we kissed." 

I eyed him. "Thanks. And yeah, I remember." 

He shook his head. "No, not you, stupide. I meant me and James."

"WHAT!?"

"Don't shout," Amory hissed. 

"Something to share with the class?" Miller asked, pausing whatever he'd been writing on the white board. He was staring at us expectantly, as was most of the class. 

I shook my head, sweating prodigiously. "No. Sorry, Professor." 

"Quiet," Brown grumbled, shuffling some papers.

When we'd escaped the spotlight, Amory continued. "It was amazing. I might die." 

I watched Miller. "He doesn't seem any different." 

"Because he has his Professor Pants on," Amory told me. Then he smiled devilishly. "I fully intend on getting them off soon enough." 

I remember my face feeling hot and thinking about Ren again. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Kant was off the table entirely. Giving up on learning anything was my only remaining option. I felt bad about it because I didn't want to let Miller down, especially now that he was apparently engaged in a scandalous relationship with one of my best friends. 

Before I could escape class, Miller stopped me. "Beau," he said. "Have a second?" 

I paused, staring at him for probably a bit too long. Now that I was looking, he was kind of handsome. Good for Amory. "I have something for you," he said, smiling. 

I watched as he pulled a crisp magazine from his bag. "What is it?" I asked. 

"It's your essay," he said. "Well, yours and a bunch of other people's. It's officially been published. Congratulations." 

I nearly fainted. "Are you serious?" I asked, flipping through it. It was so fancy, so perfectly edited and designed. And then there were my words right in front of my eyes, smooth and proper looking like they hadn't come out of my frazzled brain over many sleepless nights. On Gratitude - Beau Bryant. 

"Wow," I said. "Unreal." 

"Keep up the good work," Miller said.

As soon as I stepped out of the classroom, I texted Ren. Everything going ok? Nerves?

"Who are you texting with that weird look on your face?" Amory asked, catching me off guard. He'd been standing outside the classroom like a statue.

"It's Ren," I said, tucking the magazine safely into my bag. "His show is today, remember? Aren't you coming?" 

Amory frowned. "I suspect Sallie will force me to come." 

"I suspect I'll force you to come," I said. "Seriously, it'll be cool." 

"Cool?"

"Aren't you the artsy type?"

"Do I seem like the artsy type?" he asked. 

"You're French." 

An immediate scowl. "Why does everybody..." He shook his head. "Whatever. I can come."

"It's at six." I walked a couple steps backwards down the hallway. "Don't you have a shift today?" 

Amory shook his head. "I'm going to hang back for a bit." 

I smirked. "Gonna go see your professor?"

"Laissez-moi seul. Disparaître," he said, clearly telling me to fuck off. 

I laughed as I bounded down the hallway, staring at my phone. Ren had replied. All going according to plan. No nerves. Still coming early? 

I promptly updated him. Going to stop and the bakery, then I'm there. 

He sent me a thumbs up and then: No peeking. Come around back. 

Suspicious. 

I tucked my phone into my pocket as I braved the chilly streets of New York in February. Mille-Feuille wasn't too far. I'd pick up my paycheck and be on my way, off to see Ren. I could hardly wait. 

❦

I stared at my phone screen. He still hadn't texted or called me. It was 6:23. 

"Still nothing?" Sallie asked. She was walking towards me from presumably where she'd found Amory. We were on the exposition floor. People were milling about, observing the paintings and drinking wine. The gallery was well lit but in a warm sort of way. 

I shook my head. "He should have called, right? This isn't like him."

"Amory said that he seemed fine only a couple hours ago. They had class," she said, leaning against the wall beside me. 

I shook my head, looking out the window. It was snowing lightly, but I just wanted winter to end already. "He's been acting weird lately, but he was looking forward to today. I thought it was just nerves." 

"Maybe it has to do with his mom," Sallie said quietly, touching her shoulder to mine. "It's his first birthday without her, isn't it?" 

I latched onto the idea. "Maybe that's it. Maybe this was just too much." I crumbled. "Fuck, I shouldn't have scheduled it for today. I thought it would be a nice surprise, though." 

"It's a nice surprise, Ren. Stop freaking out. He'll love it. Hell, I love it, and it's not even for me." 

I sighed. "Good. Ok. That's good to hear." 

"He'll come. Just give him time." 

"Mom?" I said, unnecessarily surprised. 

Sallie looked amused. "I mean, sometimes I feel like your mom, but you didn't come out of this girl's non-existent womb." 

"Hana!" Mom said, descending on us. 

Sallie laughed. "Oh." 

Mom wrapped her arms around me. She was decidedly underdressed for such an event. "I knew you were talented, but you have just about blown me away," she said, waving her hand. 

"Where are your big earrings?" I asked, observing her simple pearl studs. "I was certain you'd be wearing some." 

"Yes, well I didn't want to dress up too much for fear I'd overshadow your hard work, but now I see that I shouldn't have concerned myself because there is absolutely no way I'd be able to do so." 

I smiled. "How are you doing, Mom?" 

"I've been working hard," she said, smiling. She turned to Sallie. "Hello, dear. You have such lovely green eyes, don't you?" 

Sallie smiled. "Thank you, Miss Amano." 

"Miss! She called me Miss Amano," Mom gushed. "Oh you have such good friends, Hana. Tell me, you look like a good egg. Would you mind terribly if I spoke openly in front of you?" 

Sallie shook her head. "Not at all." 

"Well, then," Mom said, turning to me. She smiled, her eyes shining mischievously as they always used to when she was telling me her secrets. "I filed for divorce. Officially. I'll be taking as much of your father's dirty money as I possibly can and then getting right out of there." 

Sallie's eyes widened slightly, but I barely noticed. I was too relieved. "That's good, Oka-san. That's so good." 

"I wanted to make you proud," she said, then cleared her throat. "After that day," and I knew which day she meant, "I couldn't stand it any longer. You made it clear to me that I'd let it go on for far too long. It was just like the bathtub; I just needed you to wake me up. And I never wanted you to get hurt like that." 

"I wasn't the one that was hurt," I said quietly. 

"Yes, you were. And thank god for Beau because he's just about rescued you from us." 

"I don't need rescuing from you, Oka-san."

Mom smiled warmly. "I'm glad to hear that," she said. She delicately touched the corner of her eye. "No crying. This is a good day!"

"It is," I said, nodding. 

"Now, where is my son-in-law?" she asked, looking around. "I want to give him a hug."

"He's not here yet, Miss Amano," Sallie said. "But he'll be here soon. He just got caught up in traffic." 

Mom nodded. "Come let me know the minute he gets here. I want to see his face when he sees that painting." 

"Don't spoil it, Mom," I scolded. 

She rolled her eyes. "I won't. I won't." 

I watched her waltz off to knock the socks off of the eligible and not-so-eligible bachelors alike. "Thanks," I said to Sallie, "for your white lie." 

"Maybe it wasn't a lie at all. Maybe his phone died and he really is stuck in traffic," Sallie said. 

I felt stretched thin. There were quite a few people at the show. Many of them had already approached me to ask me if my paintings were for sale. And beyond prospective buyers, there were also quite a few of my past trysts wandering between the paintings. The thought of selling my exes' paintings right in front of them when this whole things was about trying not to be a dick anymore was making my head hurt. Of course, I'd never actually do it. But nevertheless, it was a minor miracle I was only feeling a little dizzy. 

"You going to be ok if I go find Marley?" Sallie asked. 

I nodded absently. "Yeah. Go have fun. I'll let you know when he gets here."

A toxic combination of sleep deprivation and lack of appetite had sapped my physical strength, and worrying about Beau had drained me mentally. I was at the end of my rope. 

"Hello, handsome." 

I looked up, absolutely unprepared for the vision in front of me. Jonah donned a clean tuxedo with a golden bowtie and glimmering golden makeup to match. "Wow," I said as he approached me, an uncomfortable looking blonde guy in tow who had elected to dress much more modestly. 

"Am I overdressed?" Jonah asked, spinning around and posing. 

I shook my head. "You're not the only one here in a tuxedo. I suspect my mom advertised this event to some of her wealthy friends." 

"See? I told you it wasn't too much," Jonah said to his companion. He seized the guy's hands and pulled him forward, presenting him to me. "This is Benjamin, my incredibly boring boyfriend."

Benjamin had a brilliant smile once he let it out. "You can call me Ben," he said, shaking my hand. "I've heard a lot about you lately." 

"Same to you," I said, glancing at Jonah then back to Ben. "You're quite loved, you know?" 

Ben's shoulders went straight up to his ears and his face turned an alarmingly bright red. "He's so shy it hurts me!" Jonah gushed, hugging Ben tightly. "Anyway, I'm going to go look at all the other poor people you convinced to sleep with you. Talk later?" 

"As always, you say exactly what you're thinking." 

Jonah winked. "Only the best for you, Ren Amano." 

"Nice to meet you," Ben said as he was spirited away. 

"You, too," I said. I'd left my phone on silent because I didn't want to be that asshole whose phone rang in a relatively quiet gallery. As a result, I was checking it obsessively. 

But it paid off. When I saw the screen, I exhaled a breath I'd been holding for two hours. Two missed calls and a couple texts from Beau.  Maybe he'd found a charger or something. 

I tapped the message he'd left me and listened intently. 

But I was soon wishing I'd never listened at all, that I could have just ignored it and never heard it. If I'd deleted it, it never would have happened. He never... The whole world flipped upside down. Nothing made sense anymore, and I longed for the time when things were simple and good. 

It wasn't Beau's voice. 

Hello. I'm, uh, Beau's uncle. Sorry to call like this, but I didn't know your number. Anyway, you're...someone really important to Beau, right? There's...
An accident. There's been an accident. A car...
Well, you need to get to the hospital as soon as you can. I sent you the informa--

I dropped the phone from my ear. It slipped from my grasp because the muscles in my hand mysteriously went slack. And then my arms. And then my legs. The world spun. I remember cold floor and feet rushing toward me. 

And hopelessness.