✾ Snowdrop ✾

There was a moment of stillness after I shut the door gently behind us. Ren stood frozen in front of me, his back turned to me and his head slumped against his chest. A fast breath overtook him and he shifted his weight between his feet. 

I watched him silently, waiting. 

"Fuck," he whispered. 

"Yeah," I said. 

"Fuck!" he shouted, slamming his hand against the wall. I stared at his bloody knuckles. 

"Fuck," I agreed. 

He lifted his hand and stared at it for a second before shaking it out angrily. But he couldn't shake off what he'd done. 

"It's ok, Ren," I said quietly. 

He raised his hands jerkily. "It's not--" 

"Hey," I said, reaching for him. But he flinched away. I stood there awkwardly, shocked and uncertain. "Sorry," I said. 

"Don't apologize." It sounded strangely like a warning. I should have heeded it.

"But I'm sorry. This never should have happened to you." I pressed on. "The world's fucked up, and it's not fair. You deserve better than-"

"Beau!" 

I'd never once heard Ren shout so angrily at me before. I stopped talking immediately, staring at him. But when he finally looked at me, he didn't seem angry. He just looked scared. 

Or, that's what I thought. But a scared person wouldn't launch themselves at you and shove their tongue into your mouth. Ren kissed me furiously. 

I wanted to kiss him back. I did. But I was worried, even a little scared. I just had a bad feeling. "Stop," I breathed, pushing him off and walking past him. I started toward the kitchen. "We need to take care of your hand."

But before I even made it close, he grabbed me from behind. He wrapped his arms around my middle, sliding my shirt up. His freezing hands glided over my stomach, up to my chest. "Please, Copper." 

He kissed my neck and took my skin between his teeth. I winced, knowing it would leave a mark. I was being torn in two. "Ren, you're upset." 

He pinched my nipple between two fingers and tugged slightly. To my surprise, my body reacted. A shot of pleasure zipped down my chest and stayed there. I grabbed Ren's wrist and pulled his hand away. "Don't do that." 

"But you want me to do it, don't you?" he said, resting his chin on my shoulder. He looked down. "See?" 

"Ren, now's not-"

"You were so happy earlier," he said. "When I asked for your body. Why won't you give it to me now?" 

His fingertips pushed below the waistline of my jeans. "Stop, Ren." 

His tone slipped from sleazily confident to scared. "Don't you want me?"

I shook my head. "You're acting weird," I said. I felt a lump growing in my throat. 

"Weird?" he said, his hands pausing. "I'm..." 

"Don't you want it to be special, Ren?" I asked, turning in his arms so that I could see his face. 

For a second, a shimmer of my Ren came back. Vulnerable and terrified. And then frustration slammed into his expression. "You're acting like a girl." 

My heart went cold but flames burned around it. "And you're acting like your father." 

That did it. He took a shuttering breath and blinked rapidly like I'd struck him hard. The wounded look on his face made me feel like a demon; it was like I'd just told him he had minutes to live. Ren hid his face in his hands, his entire body shaking. Maybe I should have felt pity, but it was decidedly absent in my mind. I can't explain why.

"I'm him." I could barely hear his voice. "I'm him."

"No, you're not," I assured him. 

He stepped away from me. "Don't touch me. You should just leave."

"I'm not leaving," I said. "Don't be dumb." 

"Dumb?" he said in disbelief. 

I watched as he stormed away from me, shoulders tense and hands in fists. He slammed his door behind him, leaving me standing there aghast like a fool. 

"I didn't mean that, Ren," I called to him. But he didn't answer. 

I just sighed and went into the bathroom to fetch the first aid kit I'd promptly made him buy after finding out he didn't have one. I stared at it, collecting myself for a moment. It was good that Ren was releasing the death grip he'd had on his emotions for years. But it was also devastating.

"Ren," I said, tapping on his door. It felt like the bathroom at his mom's all over again, but worse this time. "Let me help you, for once." 

His voice was muffled, but I could hear his unsteadiness. "Not right now, Copper." 

I took solace in that fact that he hadn't reverted to calling me Beau again. I whipped my phone out of my pocket and called Sallie. She took longer to pick up than usual, but she still came through for me. 

"Duckliiiiing," she sang. 

"Sallie, what do you do when Ren's upset? How do you cheer him up?" I asked, retreating to my room.

Sallie scoffed. "How come every time you call me, it's about that idiot?"

"If you help me, I'll bake cookies fresh in your apartment," I said. 

"In that case," she said immediately, "it's not about what I would do but about what you would do, isn't it?"

"Shit, I know," I said, setting the first aid kit on my desk. "But I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I'm good at cheering people up." 

"Ren cheers up just seeing you," she said. 

But she hadn't heard him. You should just leave. There was some conflict playing out inside him, but it was all happening behind closed curtains. I needed to draw them back somehow. "Ok, thanks." 

"You don't sound confident." 

"I'm not, but I never am, you know? It's why I'm better at..." Oh. An idea. 

"At what?"

"You are a magical genie with all the answers," I said. "Let me know when you and Marley want me over. I'll be there." 

I hung up before she could get another word out and plopped down in front of my desk, pulling out my notebook. I messily ripped some pages from it. Ren needed vulnerability. He needed to know that letting go was ok, that he could have a life. So I poured my own vulnerabilities out onto the page. I told Ren everything. Everything. 

My fears. My hopes. My identity. How miraculous is language to be able to give all of my deepest thoughts form? My mind took shape on those papers, page after page. I wrote messily, hurriedly, fluidly. My hand ached as I sealed my words up into an envelope and wrote Ren's name on it. Teach by example, I suppose.

I approached his door again, leaning down and sliding the envelope under it before I could question my choice. As soon as I did it, I felt a twinge of panic. It faded when I remembered how much I trusted Ren. Still, my energy had gone. I slumped against the wall and sat on the floor like a weirdo, my chin resting on my arms resting on my knees. 

And I sat there for a good ten minutes. When the door finally opened, my butt was starting to hurt. I raised my head and looked at Ren. "Did you read it?" 

He shook his head. "I didn't." 

I looked down. "Why not?" 

Ren laughed breathily. I stiffened and looked up at him. He was smiling at me. "You look like a lost puppy. How long have you been sitting here?" 

"Not long," I said, resting my chin on my arms again. Slowly, he knelt beside me.

I nearly cried when he rested his hand on my head. I closed my eyes and let him touch me, knowing he needed it just as much, if not more than I did. "What is it?" he said.

"It's a letter," I said. "To you." 

"I got that much." He shifted his body so that he could sit on the floor beside me.

"I thought it would help." I covered my face with my hands. "I don't know why. I just didn't know what else to do." 

Ren held the letter in both hands, staring at it. "What's it about?" 

"Me," I said. "And you." 

"Felt more comfortable writing it than saying it to me?" he asked. 

I nodded. "I also wasn't sure you wanted to listen to me." 

"Sorry." He placed the envelope quite delicately on the floor between us. "I just needed a second." 

I looked at him, staring at the tattoo behind his ear. I still hadn't figure out what kind of bird it was. "It doesn't make sense to push me away, Ren," I said quietly. 

He wouldn't look at me. "I know." 

"We're already together, so." 

"I was just overwhelmed. I didn't want to hurt you," he said. He flexed his hand and clenched his jaw. Streaks of dried blood still clung flakily to his skin. 

"Hurt me?" I asked. 

"I...didn't know I could do tha-" His voice stopped working. He swallowed and took a faulty breath. 

I didn't want to scare him away. I spoke in a whisper to preserve the forgiving silence around us. "You mean hurting your father?"

He nodded slowly. "I've never punched anyone in my life. I've been punched, but..." He looked at me finally. That was the exact moment I slipped behind the curtain. "I don't know what I'm capable of, Copper." 

"Just because of today?"

"What?"

I took a deep breath, winding up. "One instance doesn't make you a violent person, Ren. And if you ask anyone who's sane, they'll say that your actions were pretty damn justified."

"Don't think a lawyer would agree with you." 

I sighed. "This isn't about law, Ren. Just... Just answer quickly, ok? Instinctively." I felt exasperated. "How do you feel about it?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"How do you feel about what you did? Do you regret it?" 

"Yeah," he said. But then his brow furrowed and he shook his head. "No. I don't." 

"Would you do it again?" 

"Yes." 

"Do you think he deserved it?" 

"I do." 

"Would you ever hurt me?" 

He looked at me, his eyes wide. "No!" 

I smiled. "Now that you don't have to worry about that--and I do mean you, not me--answer one more question." He nodded. "Did you enjoy it?" 

He hesitated. 

"You said you'd answer quickly." 

"I liked it," he admitted. He looked pained as he nodded. Tears hung dangerously on his lower lashes. "I did." 

"Me, too," I said. He hadn't been expecting that.

"I was going to do the same. The second he said..." I cringed just remembering it. "I wanted to hurt him back. I knew he was your father and I knew I shouldn't, but in that moment, I might have hit him if you hadn't. Not just for me but for you, too."

Relief washed over him and through him and out again in a breathy rendition of my name. "Copper."

"Maybe I'm just messed up, too, but I liked watching it happen," I said. "It felt like... I don't know, like justice." 

Ren swallowed. "I didn't mean what I said." 

"Hm?"

"I don't want you to leave." 

I laughed, leaning against him. "I know." 

"I love you." 

I curled my body closer to his. "I know." 

"I don't want to read your letter right now," he said. 

"Why not?"

"I want to save it for when I really need it. I don't know. Maybe we get into an argument years from now. Maybe you're furious with me. Or maybe I'm furious with you. I want to be able to read it then. I want to know in the back of my mind that I've got your words if I need them." 

My chest felt heavy. The good kind. Years from now, he said. "What if you never read it?" 

"No, knowing me, I'll need it at some point." Ren pressed his palms to his eyes and took another deep breath, this one wiping the room clean, clearing out cobwebs that had been clinging to him for far too long. "Now you know how much of a stereotypical asshole he is." 

"Yeah. It's amazing you turned out like you did. Doesn't make sense." 

"Really?" he asked. 

"But actually it maybe makes complete sense," I said, turning toward him. "Maybe it's like a diamond. They only form under pressure and heat, you know?" I crushed invisible carbon between my hands. "Maybe that's why you turned out perfect. Or, not perfect. Just beautiful." 

Ren looked stunned. 

"What?" 

"You..." He shook his head, smiling. "Why do you know about diamonds?"

I shrugged. "I just know random things sometimes." 

"Genius," he mumbled under his breath. 

I grinned. "But you know, some diamonds take years and years to become what they are." I leaned back against the wall and stretched. I'd been sitting on the floor for too long. "It's just the way of the world. No need to worry about it." 

"You say the most amazing things sometimes," Ren said quietly. 

I blushed. "I don't know about that." 

"And it's like you don't even know they're amazing," he said. He took my hand. "It's one of the things I love about you." 

I stared at the rose the back of his hand. "I love you, too. Remember that, ok?" I lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles.

"Hey," he said. When I looked up, he kissed me out of nowhere. But unlike earlier, this was a good surprise. I leaned into him as we found our rhythm. Sometimes it felt as though kissing Ren was like directly tuning into the universe, the natural push and pull, in and out, all the heartbeats of the world. It was a quick tide pulled by a million moons.

"Promise you won't pull away from me again like you did today," I said. He rested his lips on my forehead. 

"Promise," he said against my skin. He placed a small kiss there before looking at me. 

"I've been wondering this since I met you..." I started. 

He looked alert, concerned but intrigued. "What?" 

I broke into a smile, touching his neck. "What kind of bird is this?" 

He exhaled and exhaled into a funny sort of peace. The snake on the back of his hand covered my fingers where they rested on his neck. 

"It's a dove."