✾ Dahlia ✾

It was still freezing outside these days. I'd hoped that the weather would have calmed down a bit by the time I had to go back to school, but it still felt like I was walking in Siberia. The towering skyscrapers--which I still found both beautiful and sad--forced the fierce winds through narrow gaps, amplifying their intensity tenfold. Cities were cold places sometimes. 

I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and pulled it out, clumsily tugging my mitten off to answer. "Hello?" 

Amory's voice came through the receiver. "I was glad to see you the other day."

"Me, too," I said, happy that he was calling me. Things had been a tad strange when he'd visited; I didn't know how to act around him with Ren in the room, and I hadn't been sure how he'd feel after I'd gone radio-silent on him for so long. Beyond being a little quieter than usual, he now thankfully seemed his usual self.

"You almost on campus?" he asked. 

I flinched as a particularly powerful gust hit me and pierced me to the bones. "Yeah. I'm on my way. What's up?" I asked. 

"Miller wants you to show up early. Said he sent you an email about it, but you haven't responded. He told me to remind you," Amory said. 

"Oh, awkward," I said. "I haven't checked my email all break. Are you there with him now? Will you let him know I'll go straight to his office?" 

"Yeah, one moment." I heard scratching sounds like Amory was pressing his phone to his chest. I could barely hear their quiet mumbling over the wind. As I waited, I silently thanked all the powerful weather gods for sparing New York more snow. "He said he will be waiting for you," Amory said. 

"Thanks, Amory," I said, switching which hand held the phone and exhaling on my frigid fingertips. "How come you were meeting with the Professor?"

Maybe the icy winter land made every second feel like hours, but I swear Amory hesitated to answer me. "Just some help on an assignment." 

I frowned. Amory didn't seem like the type to get any extra advice from professors. His supposedly serious studying had really just been an excuse to get closer to me, after all. "Ok, I'll see you soon, then?" 

"Before you hang up, I want to apologize," Amory said. 

I frowned, caught off guard. "For what? Isn't it me who should be apologizing?" 

"No," Amory said. "I messed with your roommate when I visited you. He probably thinks I'm trying to steal you from him." 

I scoffed. "What did you do to him?" 

"He is so uptight when it comes to you," Amory said, obviously avoiding my question. "But I guess that's a good thing. I just wanted to make sure he was good for you." 

"Just to clarify, you're not trying to steal me away from him?" I said. I didn't think he was, but better safe than sorry. 

"If I told you that I was, what would you do?" 

I stopped walking. A couple seconds of torturous silence passed. "You're not-" 

"No, I'm not serious," Amory said, laughing. 

"Jesus, you scared me," I said, relieved. "I was worried because Sallie said you haven't found someone new yet."

"Since when does Sallie know everything about me?" Amory said. "I have to go, but let's get food after work today." 

"Ok, talk to you later. Jerk," I said, hanging up. I eagerly slid my mitten back on. My pulse was still hammering in my chest when I started walking again. Despite how dim Amory's flame for me might have become, I had believed for a second that it still burned. It had seemed a reasonable explanation for his silence during the visit. Maybe he was still acting strange, after all? Amory's little joke had stolen about 7% of my sanity, which is far too much for something so small. 

When I arrived at Professor Miller's office, my nerves had made me an extra 5% more insane. I imagined Ren giving me a big push towards the door and managed to knock loudly. 

It immediately swung open, a tailwind stirring my hair. "Dubois!" Professor Miller shouted. I stumbled back a step as Amory stormed past me. His eyes flashed with recognition when he saw me, but he didn't say anything. He just averted his gaze and kept walking. 

I stood there like a statue, shocked. Why was Amory still here? And why had--

"Sorry about that," Professor Miller said. I swear my neck made a creaking sound like an un-oiled Tin Man when I looked at him. "He's upset," Miller said, clearing his throat. He looked the same as always save for a thin dusting of vulnerability clinging about his ratty blazer and loose-fitting slacks. He normally seemed calm and collected but now appeared to be worried, maybe even a little conflicted. "Come in."

"Is he ok?" I asked, stepping into Miller's office. 

"He'll be fine," Miller said, sitting on his desk and sighing. "Just got some bad news." 

"Is it serious? We're friends, so-" 

"It's nothing to worry about. I promise. If you really want to know, ask him," Miller said gently. Despite his soft tone, I could tell he wanted to redirect the course of the conversation. "Now, I'm sure you want to know why I asked you here." 

I sat down and clutched the strap of my bag tightly. "Yeah, actually. I wasn't expecting this." 

"Neither was I," Miller said, chuckling. "But it's good news. I read your paper." 

My pulse picked up. "Ah." 

"To be honest, I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't what I got," he said, scratching the slight hint of stubble on his jaw. 

"Is that a good or bad thing?" I asked, bracing for impact. 

"To be honest, it's one of the better papers I've ever read," Miller said. I exhaled the breath I'd been holding. "It's insightful, well-written, complex, and..." He struggled for the right word briefly. "Original. Between you and me, I even got a little bit emotional reading it." 

I smiled, moved. "Oh, wow. Ok. Thank you." 

"You'll obviously get an A and receive that extra credit I talked about, not that you really needed it in the first place," Miller said. "But there's something I wanted to ask of you." 

"Sure," I said, still not sure what to say. This was sort of overwhelming. I was glad that the Professor liked my paper. It was a wonderful compliment considering how much I respected his opinion. But I felt sort of paralyzed with pride. 

"I'd like you to let me submit it to a competition for you. If you say yes, there's a chance you could win some money and that you'd be published, which is a great way to start off your career and would be quite impressive considering how young you are. I think you could have a great future in scholarly pursuits, if you wanted one." 

My mouth hung open a little. It wasn't that long ago that I'd believed college wasn't an option for me, that I wouldn't have a future in the slightest. "Uh, um." I forced my mind to restart with an angry kick. The old machine sputtered to life and churned out confused black smoke every which way, causing my face to grow warm. "Yeah, I'd like that. I had no idea it was even good at all." 

"Have some confidence," Miller said, smiling. "You were passionate about what you were writing. I find that enthusiasm goes a long way for writing quality," he said, standing up. I followed suit. "Of course, natural talent and proper education help as well." 

I laughed. "Thank you for this. I really appreciate it." 

"I'm glad to help. A piece of writing like yours should be recognized. I'll submit it for you, so you don't have to do anything. We'll hear back in early February."

I stepped out of his office. "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have written it at all. I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but if I were to get published, I'd want to credit you somewhere." 

Miller smiled warmly. "That's very thoughtful. Thank you. And all this after Old Man Brown scolded me for letting you rewrite it." 

"He did?" I asked, surprised. 

Miller winked. "I know talent when I see it. I got your back. Brown's got tenure, but I'm not scared of him." 

"We're lucky to have you as our Professor," I said, smiling. Though Miller was technically only an assistant professor, everyone in the class knew he was the one who carried the class on his shoulders. He was beloved for his kindness, passion, and wisdom. I wanted him to know that so that when Brown inevitably got frustrated with him again, he'd remember that his students loved him. Hopefully, that was enough. 

He looked touched. "Get out of here. I'll see you in class." 

❦

My pulse pounded in my veins. I was particularly aware of its intensity right under my jaw. I pressed two fingers on the spot as if doing so would calm me down. It didn't. 

The dial tones gave way to a small voice. "Hello?" 

"Uh," I said awkwardly. Shit, I really should have figured out what I was going to say before I called. I'd tried and tried but nothing reasonable had come to mind. So I'd just said 'fuck it' and hit the green button. "Sorry, I didn't think you'd still be at this number. This is Jonah, right?"

There was silence on the other end. "Hello?" I asked, worried for a second that the call had dropped. "It is Jonah, right?" 

"Y-Yeah, sorry. I never thought I'd hear your voice again," he said slowly. 

I smiled. "If I'm being honest, I hadn't planned on calling again. I get why you're surprised." 

"What..." I heard a loud sound through the phone like he'd shut a door behind him. "Sorry, why are you calling me?" 

I'd contacted enough of my portrait subjects now that I knew how this part usually went. I'd apologize. They'd either get mad, sad, or act completely indifferent. I'd give them an explanation or I wouldn't, depending on what they needed from me. Then I'd tell them about the show and ask for their permission to display their portrait to the public. 

"I know it's been a while," I said, sitting at the kitchen table. "Sorry about that." 

"It's alright," Jonah said softly. "It's just unexpected after...what you said." 

"Yeah, about that." I sighed deeply. I knew Jonah was going to be more difficult to apologize to properly. I hadn't known it at the time, but he'd been a virgin when he gave into my advances. It had taken longer to convince him I was worth it than most of my exes. Normally, I would have just given up on someone so restrained. But I remember there being something about Jonah that kept me hooked longer than the rest of them. "I'm sorry, Jonah. I called to apologize, basically." 

"Apologize..." He repeated. I waited, wondering which of the usual outcomes I'd get. But none of them came. "Why are you apologizing?" 

I nearly choked on oxygen. "For what I did to you and how I treated you. I was an asshole, and I want you to know that I regret it and that you deserved better than what you got." 

"I don't know, Ren. I think you're misremembering it," Jonah said. His tone was kind and gentle like he was setting down a baby to nap. "For what we were, you were a wonderful boyfriend." 

"Are you serious?" I asked. I tried to think back to the brief time we'd shared, pushing aside recent years to reach the heart of the matter. My relationship with Jonah had happened while we were both at boarding school. I was in my third year. He had been a year behind me. I didn't remember it being anything special, so I'd assumed it had just been like the rest. It couldn't have lasted more than a month or so. But, then again, wasn't that longer than I was with most people?

"Yeah, I mean...I don't know. You were distant sometimes, sure, but I knew that you were like that going in. I could tell that you had something going on behind the scenes." Jonah chuckled, and it made my heart feel just a little lighter. I was relieved. "I knew we were going to break up before it happened, so it wasn't surprising or anything. But when you left, you told me that you wouldn't be in touch and you seemed serious about it." 

"It was so long ago, sorry," I said, not recalling any of this. Had our parting really been amicable? I stood and walked towards my room, twisting the knob. "But you're not mad or anything?" 

He laughed again. "Why would I be mad?"

"I'm sure there's a reason." I yanked my closet door open and started thumbing through the portraits. 

"What makes you so sure? If anything, I felt a bit bad that I couldn't really reciprocate the way I knew you needed me to." 

"Huh?"

"I didn't really know how to talk to you back then. I liked you, I enjoyed spending time with you, and you're really good at sex," he confessed, "but I could tell that you were really fragile. Like you were afraid of me, or something. Or maybe of opening up to me properly."

I sighed, finally finding Jonah's portrait and sliding it out from the rest. He was a handsome boy back then. Even before he'd finished growing, he had a long, lean, muscular body. He'd been the star of the track team. His skin was the color of fine coffee grounds, and his eyes were a striking amber color. Their intensity reminded me of Sallie's. He looked nervous in his portrait, but there was also a spark of understanding in his eyes. Memories came rushing back when I saw him posing there, his long arms draped across his knees which he'd pulled closer to his slim chest. He'd been a gentle lover. 

I wondered what he looked like now. What would those amber eyes see in me? 

"That sounds like me," I said. "Or, who I was." 

"You mean you've changed?" he asked. 

"Hopefully," I said, sliding the portrait back where it'd come from. "I'm dating someone seriously now. That's part of the reason that I called."

"You've opened up to them?" Jonah asked. 

I closed my eyes and nodded. "I'd tell him anything if he asked me." 

"Would you tell him even if he didn't ask?"

I hesitated. "Even if he didn't ask?" 

"It's the moments in which things could be said but don't necessarily need to be that make or break a relationship, don't you think?"

"The small things," I confirmed. I hadn't ever experienced it before, but I trusted that I wanted to tell Beau everything, no matter what it was. I sighed yet again. I should probably tell him that I was jealous about Amory when he got back from school. 

"I'm glad to hear it," Jonah said. I could tell he meant it. 

"Jonah, can I ask something of you?" 

"Sure." 

"I'm looking to put on an exhibition of my artwork. I guess it's sort of like closure. Would you let me display the portrait I did of you back then?" I asked. 

He was quiet for a moment. "I don't know about that, Ren." 

"You don't have to say yes. I just wanted to ask."

"It's just...I guess I'm pretty shy about it. My boyfriend is also sort of a jealous guy, so I'm not sure he'd be happy to find out about it," Jonah said. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't worry about it," I said. "You've helped me enough just talking to me." 

"Any time. Honestly, Ren. It's a relief to know you're doing well."

"Would your jealous boyfriend be ok with us having lunch sometime?" I asked. I wanted to see him again and catch up more. 

Jonah chuckled. "I'm sure he could spare me for a meal." 

"Ok. I'll text you, then," I said. "Thanks, Jonah." 

"My pleasure."