✾ Red Rose ✾

Maybe it was the cold winter air. Maybe it was his impending return to college. Maybe it was the words we'd exchanged. Or maybe it was something as simple as inevitability. Of course, this was happening. Wasn't it always going to? How had I ever believed that it wouldn't?

Whatever it was, we kissed so passionately, wildly, desperately, deeply! All the time we'd known each other, all the stolen glances, all the late night discussions about the meaning of life, all the gentle touches, all the tears. Everything we were up until that moment, on our own and together, rushed to the surface, loudly demanding our attention. It whispered to us about how we'd neglected it for too long. How could we? It had been waiting and waiting for this moment. 

Selfish and selfless longing tumbled into the air between us with each ragged exhale, catching on our tongues and making our kisses taste sweeter. 

We left the apartment dark. I could barely see him but felt his warmth, tasted his tongue, heard the sounds of his soft mouth on mine. 

His back thudded against the door. He pulled me to his body, not missing a second; when you waste it for so long, time becomes impossibly precious. 

I breathed his name against his lips, leaning closer to him and against him. When I did, he let out a tiny, high-pitched moan. It was so short and quiet, I knew it had escaped his control, breaking free from the feeble leash he'd kept it on. 

He looked embarrassed. "I--I'm."

"What was that?" I asked him quietly. Our chests heaved against each other. Everything felt a few degrees warmer than usual. 

"Nothing," he said quietly, his voice cracking. 

I rested my hands on either side of his head, my palms flat against the door. "Tell me what made that sound come out of you," I said, leaning closer to him. I gently bit his ear, and he squeaked shyly. I whispered to him, hoping that my voice would coax it out of him, slowly but surely. "I want to know." He turned his head away from me. I kissed his neck. "So that I can do it again." 

Beau looked at me. He was tearing up a little bit, but looked determined. "It's embarrassing." 

I smiled. "Tell me." 

He folded so quickly. "I like it wh..."

"When?" 

"When you...press me against the wall, or...just--" 

I didn't wait, couldn't wait. I brought my body against his, closing the space around him and pushing him so tightly against the door that he was forced onto his toes. His body shuddered like it was skipping a beat. His breath came faster. His hands pulled at my shirt like he was searching for a handhold to keep him from slipping farther into lust. 

His wide eyes narrowed. "Ren," he whimpered. Whimpered. 

I was in trouble. 

"Good to know," I said, trying to get a grip. Self control. 

"Ren," Beau said again. He pulled my shirt up slightly, and I felt cold air on the exposed sliver of skin. "Ren, I'm..." He looked down. That's when I felt it, felt him. I allowed a little air to slip between us, resting my forehead against his. His curls tickled my face. 

"We agreed, Copper," I said nearly silently. I hated myself for it a little bit. The actual love of my life was looking up at me, adorable, vulnerable, and seriously hard. Yet here I was, turning him down. "Slow, right?" 

Beau smiled. "We could do it slowly," he said, his expression coy, his hips seductively shifting, his lips shining. Instantly, my pants felt tighter. It nearly broke my resolve. 

I groaned. "You're torturing me." 

"You're torturing yourself, actually," he said. His voice raised an octave. "Why not? At least let me touch you," he said, reaching for me. 

I caught his wrist and kissed the palm of his hand. "I'm not ready yet, Beau." 

He looked embarrassed, but it was a far cry from when he was making his meek request a moment before. This was embarrassment without the delight of spilled secrets. "Sorry," he said quietly, looking away from me. 

I felt a very real pain in my chest. I didn't ever want him to feel ashamed with me. "Hey," I said, allowing myself to slip one of my legs between Beau's in the name of comforting him, even if it was partially just giving in to my weakness. He tensed and grabbed my arm, a little panicked. "Soon, ok?" I said. 

"I just like being close to you." 

"Me, too," I said, kissing him again. "It's not about if, Beau. It's about when. You feel it, right? There's some sort of mysterious gravity constantly pulling me toward you. Even when I can't see you. Even when you're miles away. Eventually, it's going to pull us as close as we can get and closer."

Beau leaned forward, shifting his hips slightly. I knew that he was frustrated, trying to rub himself against me just a little. He shivered. "I've always felt it," he said. 

"Yeah," was all I said, distracted by the feeling of him against me. 

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked, looking up at me. 

I struggled for an answer. "Um." 

"Ren," he huffed. "You're the one who did this. Take responsibility." 

"I could..." No, it was a bad idea. If I started, I wouldn't be able to stop. Despite living together, I'd never seen Beau entirely naked before. There was a delicious mystery about what he'd so carefully kept hidden from me. When I finally saw him... Well, I knew myself well enough to expect that I'd lose all sense. "I guess take care of it yourself," I offered. 

His mouth fell open. "Ren!" he scolded. 

I flushed, stepping back. "Sorry."

He frowned and slumped against the door. "God." 

I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. Why was I being so shy about this? Maybe it was just the thought of Beau touching hims-- Oh, crap. I turned away from him quickly before my imagination went too wild. 

"Hey, did you just blush?" he said, grabbing my shoulder. 

"I've been blushing the whole time," I said, trying to hide my face. 

"No, but did you blush more?" he pressed. 

I retreated to my room. "I don't know what you're-" 

"You were thinking about it, weren't you?" Beau shouted. 

"I would never," I said, obviously lying. 

"Now I won't be able to..." It was his turn to flounder. "With you thinking about me?"

I hovered in my doorway and turned to look at him, smirking. "Suddenly self-conscious, are we?" 

"It's different," he said. 

I sighed. "Listen, Copper. You take care of yourself, and I'll take care of myself. Apart. Then we can get food, or something." It came out sounding much more level than I'd expected it to. In reality, my soul was still lingering on Beau's lips where I'd left it. 

"What?" He became visibly uncomfortable. "You... You, too?" 

"I might be experienced, Beau, but with the way you kiss me," I shook my head, "Of course."

I winked at him, and he smiled shyly. My voice betrayed my heart. "See you in a bit."

❦

My face felt like a bonfire. My hands were literally shaking. I held one in front of me, watching it quiver in the mirror. Ren was right in the other room, so insufferably close, touching--

I sunk my fingers into my hair and angrily mussed it. It made me feel a little better at first, but then I looked at myself in the mirror again and saw how wild I looked. Immediately, I wondered what my hair would look like when Ren and I had sex. Not if, when, he'd said. Would he touch my curls? Would his cold fingers tangle themselves up, pull my head back? 

I watched my face turn even redder. I felt a new urgency imbued in my actions, my muscles filling with anticipation and my throat closing up a little. 

I moved to shut the bathroom door, but hesitated as soon as I grabbed it, biting my lip as I decided to leave it open. Slowly, I released it and backed toward the shower. When I turned the water on, a random bolt of excitement zapped along my spine. It made me shiver and squeeze my shoulder blades together. 

It wasn't that I'd never thought of Ren like this before. It was just that simultaneously we were both... And he'd literally told me to do this. There was none of the usual guilt I felt knowing that I was in love with my roommate, my best friend. I still felt like he was watching me, which wasn't new, but it felt hot instead of hostile. I could feel his narrowed eyes dancing on my skin. I could feel his hands set fire to my body. 

How much of his body, exactly, did those tattoos cover? He had some on his thighs, but how far up did they go? Is Ren...thinking about me right now? Just the thought made me feel sexy, like I was suddenly someone more, someone I'd never had the chance to be before. 

Even the air around me electrified. When my muscles finally tensed, the water dripping from my face and my body shuttering in ecstasy, I let my voice out. I wanted him to hear me. My embarrassment had vanished.  If he wanted to wait, at least I could drive him insane. At least I could share this with him, this moment, this intimacy which defied distance. 

I stayed in the shower for a while afterward, letting the hot water batter my flushed skin. I couldn't help it. I looked down at my body and wondered whether Ren would be satisfied, whether he'd be pleased when he saw all of it. I'd never shown it to anyone before. Maybe I was a little bit scared to do so, but mostly I craved it. 

When I finally turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping my towel around my hips, I listened intently. Everything was quiet. The door was still open a crack, so I could tell that the main room remained dark. 

If Ren hadn't turned any lights on, had he even come out of his room? I tentatively stepped forward, creaking the door open further. 

I nearly choked on my tongue when I finally made out Ren sitting there on the couch in the dark, his arms draped across the back and his legs crossed. 

"What are you doing?" I asked him. 

He smirked, the subtle twist of his lips twisting my heart just the same. He raised his hands defensively. "I am up to nothing mischievous." 

I raised a skeptical eyebrow, stepping all the way out of the bathroom. 

Ren frowned. "For the love of-- Please, Copper. Have mercy and go put a shirt on." 

I slowly walked toward him until my shins pushed up against the couch. He arched his neck to look up at me as I leaned over him, letting my wet hair drip on his face. He flinched and squeezed one eye shut as a water droplet slid down his cheek and made its way down his jaw. "I could just stay like this."

"Do you want a repeat?" Ren asked. His voice was calm, but he didn't seem opposed to the idea. 

"Maybe," I said shyly, tracing my fingertip along his shoulder.

"As tempting as I find the proposal, I am pretty hungry," Ren said. He took my hand and kissed it. "You going to starve me?" 

I stood up straight again and sighed. "Guess not."

"What a kind and wonderful person you are," he said, watching me return to my room. "How I adore you." 

"It better be Chinese you order," I said before shutting the door behind me. When I emerged, Ren had switched a couple lights on, but it was still dim. He was reclined right where I'd last seen him. 

"Order placed," he said lightly. 

"Thank god. I'm starving now," I said, dropping myself by his feet. I pulled his legs onto my lap and rested my arms on them. Settled in, we spent the rest of our waking hours on the couch together. I was distinctly aware of the fact that Ren ensured constant physical contact, his knee brushing mine, his fingers laced between mine, his hand resting in my hair. We parted only when he went to get our food. 

It was strange. Moments before we'd been talking about sex, and now we were our usual selves, sitting on the couch together and watching TV. I'm not sure how much time passed, but once my stomach was full, I was immediately sleepy. At one point, my head nodded and revealed my exhaustion to Ren. 

"Tired?" he asked, smiling. 

I nodded, rubbing my eye. "Long day." 

"Yeah," he said. He pulled me close and kissed my forehead. "Come on." 

"What?" I asked as he took my hand and pulled me to my feet. He didn't let go as we walked toward his room. 

"Just come on," he said. 

"What are you doing?" I asked, suddenly a little more awake. 

"Calm down. I'm not trying to seduce you. I just want to sleep in the same bed." I flushed. "That ok?" 

I nodded eagerly. I'd wanted to do that for so long. Ren's room felt different without all the paintings scattered about. It was empty, but in a different way than it used to be. Removed, the paintings left a blank canvas of wall space behind. Ren released my hand only to immediately take his shirt off. 

"Hey, that's unfair. You told me to put one on and now you're-" 

"It'll be too hot if I don't," he complained. "I can put it back on if you want."

I bit my lip briefly. "No, it's ok." I liked the thought of falling asleep on his bare chest. 

He smiled and turned away from me. I caught a glimpse of his cigarette burns before he tossed himself onto the bed. My heart stirred. "Come here," he said expectantly, holding his arms open for me to join him. 

I just stood there for a second. He'd so casually exposed his scars to me. It made me feel special that he could show this incredibly vulnerable part of his body to me without a second thought, without even realizing it. I blushed. 

His arms fell. "What is it?"

I shook my head and didn't say anything, crawling into the bed with him. I lay my body beside his, my eyes still adjusting to the darkness. He tossed the blanket over us, effortlessly tugging me closer to him and wrapping his arm around me. I rested my head on his chest and was immediately met with the smell of his skin. Everything smelled like him, even the blanket. 

"You're so warm," he said quietly. I felt his words caress my face with his breath. 

I smiled softly, resting my hand on his chest. I stared at my fingers where they covered up his tattoos. "Your hands are always really cold." 

"Oh, sorry," he said. "You mentioned that." 

"I like it," I said quietly. "Because they're your hands." 

Ren held me tighter. His hand, as always, found its way to my hair. Slowly, he started caressing me. "Are you petting me?" I asked sleepily. 

He made a quiet sound of contentment. 

"It's making me sleepy," I said, already drifting. My body felt warm and light. 

"Good," he whispered. My eyes gradually fell shut. I felt him kiss each of my eyelids. "Go to sleep, Copper. I love you." 

I tried to return the words, but only got out a weak "I love" before succumbing to the deepest sleep I'd had in years.