✾ Bleeding Heart ✾

I stretched lazily in my bed, unsure of what time it was. I glanced around my messy room. Ren had helped me move some of my stuff back to the apartment, and it was still strewn about in unlabelled cardboard boxes. It had felt so good to sleep in my own bed again after the nightmare that was my stay at Satan's house. Thank god Ren had come to rescue me. 

Ren. I really did love him. I felt a novel anticipation at the thought of starting my day, a feeling which no doubt was because I knew that Ren was just on the other side of the wall. I didn't have to worry anymore. I just had to enjoy life and be myself. I stretched my legs out once more and eagerly hopped out of bed. 

"Ren!" I called, yanking my door open. I froze. "What the-" 

"Hey," he said, grunting. He dropped a heavy box on the ground with a thud. Crates of his paintings were resting all over the living room. I wasn't even sure I'd be able to walk past them without tripping. 

"What are you doing?" I asked, staring at the paintings. I felt conflicted seeing them again; on closer examination, they really were impressive. Beautiful, even. But they were also a reminder of how far ahead of me Ren was. 

"Getting rid of all of these. I was trying to sleep last night, but they were just taunting at me. I don't want to have them around any longer," he said. "Not now."

"What are you going to do with all of them?" I asked, watching him lift the nearest crate and move it to the coffee table. I walked up to him, reaching for him as casually as I could without betraying how invigorating it really was to be able to do so without hesitation. 

I took his hand and he froze, surprised. As if he remembered that it was ok to touch me, he relaxed and pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me. He seemed calm. "You're beautiful in the morning," he whispered. 

I blushed and held him tightly. "So--are you," I said a bit nervously, not used to such sweet words. I'd never really shared them with anyone before. I'd experienced meaningless flirting and even, with Amory, flirting with a hint of feelings. But never before Ren had I felt real love, the sort of love that filled me up and lingered even when he was out of sight. 

And now, it had a different meaning. It wasn't the first time Ren had told me that I was beautiful, but it was the first time while we were... What exactly were we?

I pulled away, but remained close to him. "You didn't answer my question." 

"I'm going to throw them out," he said, looking at the paintings. 

"What? You can't do that!" I blurted.

He looked surprised. "Why not?" 

"They're your hard work. Throwing them out would be a waste. Just because you're not proud of them doesn't mean other people won't think they're beautiful," I said. 

"You think someone wants to buy random nude portraits?" Ren deadpanned, raising an eyebrow skeptically. 

"Maybe. You don't know," I argued. I was scrambling for words. "What about an exhibition? Like a show!" 

Ren frowned. "You're serious." 

I nodded, suddenly enamored with the idea. "I'm serious. Make something out of these paintings. Bring them together, and show them to people."

"I really don't think people want to see paintings of my exes," Ren said, pulling away from me. I grabbed him before he could flee. 

"Look at me, Ren," I said. He stiffened but obeyed. "I know you're not proud of your past, but it's a part of who you are. You can't just throw it away. You have to come to terms with it. If you need to, put them in a closet until you can deal with them. But don't ruin your chance at making something amazing by destroying them."

Ren's expression changed. His eyes sparkled, and he pulled me close to him. "I love you," he said with a small smile. Before I could respond, he kissed me. I melted in his arms, my whole being exhaled slowly at first, like a long sigh, and then abruptly. He stumbled a bit because he had to catch me after my knees went weak. 

"Copper," he chuckled, using the wall to steady us. 

I felt kind of drunk on him. I wrapped my arms around him. My body hummed. "What?" 

"You can't just go limp like that every time I kiss you," he said, still smiling adoringly. 

"I can't help it," I said, pulling his arms around me and kissing the bird tattoo on his neck. 

Ren inhaled sharply. "You're not being fair." 

"How's that?" I asked, looking up at him from behind my lashes. I hadn't before imagined Ren would ever look at me the way he was in that moment. God, I wanted to enjoy it. 

"I just want to..." Ren whispered, pulling my mouth to his. His lips had decided that kissing me was more important than finishing his sentence. 

This time, I felt his tongue touch my lips. For one brief moment, I remembered Amory's kiss. It wasn't until I'd felt Amory's tongue that I realized how wrong it was. And now, with Ren, I knew what it was supposed to feel like. Instead of shutting my jaw tightly, I opened up, letting Ren in more deeply. His tongue immediately entered my mouth, and my heart slammed in my chest. I rose up against him in utter contentment, whisked away from my worries, focused only on the pleasure he gave me and that I gave him. I slipped one of my legs between his and held onto his solid hips, pulling them against mine.

He groaned. "Stop," he said, pulling away. I felt hot. "Got to stop," he said, his body still pressed up against mine. I liked being trapped between him and the wall. It made me feel like I was Ren's, like he was in control. I pulled him back down to me by his shirt. His tattoos peaked out at me from behind the thin fabric.

"Why?" I asked. 

"Because we're not ready," he said. 

"Ready?" I asked. 

"We can't have sex, Beau. We're not ready," he repeated. 

I stared at him, still breathing unevenly. I hadn't intended for us to have sex. I just wanted to keep him close; Ren, it seemed, wasn't used to a relationship which the word 'slow' accurately described. But worse than our miscommunication, the implication hurt. "You mean I'm not ready," I said, translating his words. 

Ren shook his head, his eyes softening. "No, I mean we." 

"Because I've never had sex before," I said. I knew he didn't deserve my anger. He hadn't said anything about my virginity. The invisible distaste in his eyes wasn't his. It was mine. "You think I'm childish." 

"Beau, no," Ren said, shocked.

"Maybe I am," I said, pushing past him and heading towards the kitchen. "I don't even know how to kiss someone properly." 

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, following right on my heels. 

I rested my elbows on the counter and cradled my head, hiding my hands in my face. "I don't know what I'm doing," I said quietly, not looking at him. "You're just better than me." Ren ducked into my line of sight, pulling my hands away from my face and lacing his fingers between mine. 

"First of all, you definitely know what you're doing. I had to stop because you were making me hard," he said, causing me to blush deeply.  A little sound escaped the bottom of my throat, which made him smirk. Ren hard? That's the sort of thing that I'd only ever seen in my dreams. 

"Second, I may have had a lot of sex but I'm just as new to this honest, open relationship thing as you are. I actually think you're better prepared for it than I am. It's why I want to go slow, because I've had so many shitty, empty relationships. We had a lot of sex, but we were never more than that." 

Ren blushed. "I've never loved anyone before, ok? I'm worried that if we have sex, it'll ruin it. It'll become like those relationships, and I can't have that." 

He went quiet, not looking at me. "Not with you." Shyly, he eventually met my gaze. I sighed and let myself slowly fall against his chest. He caught me and kissed the side of my face. 

"I didn't say anything about sex," I whispered. "I just wanted to kiss you." 

I felt a puff of air from Ren stir my hair. "Sorry. I don't have great self-control sometimes. I assumed you were thinking about it because I was." 

I looked up at him, my head still resting on his chest. "You were?" 

"Look at you," he whispered, gently kissing me. "How could I not?" 

I smiled. "Cheesy, but I liked it." 

"I'm glad," he said softly, pushing my curls from my face. "And hey, it'll take a while for us to get used to this, but we'll get there. It'll just take some communication, is all." 

"Speaking of communication, I have to say that this whole thing is kind of weird," I said without thinking. 

"By 'this whole thing' do you mean us dating?" Dating. He used the word dating. We hadn't been on a date yet, but just the thought made my heart selfishly swell up a size without any consideration for my other organs. "We're weird?" he asked. He looked a little hurt. 

"No!" I said, shaking my head. "That's not what I meant. I meant that it just happened really suddenly. Like, one second I was pining after you hopelessly and the next we're here, like this. I'm happy but confused." 

"You were pining after me?" Ren asked, amused. 

I frowned, blushing again. "Shut up." 

"It's ok," he said. "I was pining, too. And I feel the same. But I think it was always going to happen suddenly." 

"Maybe," I said quietly, a little lost in thought. One in particular stood out to me. "Why didn't you do it earlier?" 

Ren looked confused. "Do what?" 

"Kiss me," I said. "You knew I was gay, didn't you?" 

He nodded. "I suspected. I didn't know, but I have a pretty good intuition for those things."

"So why didn't you kiss me earlier? You said you were pining." 

He looked a little uncomfortable, which made me feel guilty. But I wanted to know. "I guess I thought..." He hesitated and rephrased. "I had this feeling that if I did, I'd be corrupting you, or something. Like, you had these expectations going into this whole thing, and a romantic relationship wasn't one of them. I have a lot of regrets, and I didn't want you to be one of them." 

I chewed on that. I suppose it made sense, except for one thing. "Corrupting me?" 

"Not corrupting. Just-" 

"I'm not a kid. I'm not as innocent or fragile as you think I a-" I shut up, stomping on that train of thought like a poisonous snake, and shook my head. "Sorry. I'm-" 

"I don't think you're fragile. You're incredibly resilient, actually. But I still felt like I'd be violating your trust if I did it. Partly, it was because I didn't think you felt the same way."

"I didn't think I hid it so well," I said quietly. 

"You didn't, now that I look back on it. But I couldn't see it. I thought that your affection was just because I was there..." He looked liked he had just realized something sad. "Only because I was there when you needed me." 

I couldn't help it. I teared up a bit, catching Ren off guard. Panic invaded his tone and expression. "What? What is it?" He held my face. 

I shook my head. "Don't ever think that. I don't just love you because you called out to me on the roof. You can't trivialize it or demean yourself by believing that. It's because you're my best friend and you're the best person I know. You're the only one in the world who I would tell everything and anything if you asked. I love you because of everything that you were and are." 

It was as if my tears triggered his. Ren, once more, cried in front of me. Emotion washed over his face. "Oh," he said quietly, almost meekly. I'd never seen him look so delicate. The mysterious, powerful Ren disappeared. In his stead stood an altogether honest version of him. "Oh," he said again, nodding and pulling me closer. 

The moment was precious, and the memory would last a lifetime. I could feel it in the air all around us, reverberating in my chest like a deep bass. I smiled. "Also because you have a nice body."

Ren laughed and pressed a palm to his eye. "Thanks, I work hard," he said, kissing my forehead. "Now go brush your teeth. You have morning breath." 

I flushed and covered my mouth. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I shouted. 

"Because it's not that bad. And you're cute, so I don't mind," he said. 

"God," I mumbled, scowling and storming off. Before I got to the bathroom, Ren stopped me. 

"Hey," he said. 

I turned. "What?" 

"So, why didn't you kiss me?" he asked. 

I blinked, thinking about it. "I didn't know you were bi," I said. 

Ren nodded. "That all?" 

I sighed. "No. I also just...felt like I was in a weird place. It felt kind of wrong after I lost mom. If I kissed you, I wouldn't ever be able to tell my mom about it. I felt frozen, like I didn't want to do anything without her. Plus, I was scared, I guess. Because I lost her, and I didn't want to put myself out there to get hurt like that again. If you miraculously kissed me back, if you did feel the same, I might lose you, too."

Ren smiled. "I'm not going anywhere," he said. 

I shook my head. "You can't promise that." 

"No," he agreed. "But we can't live our entire lives afraid of the world. If we did, we'd miss out." 

"Yeah," I said, nodding and stepping into the bathroom. "I'm starting to believe that."