| 25 |

Red Tulip 

I could hear her heels before I even saw her. She was practiced at walking in them. Of course, she would be. She had to keep up appearances. 

"Good morning, babies," she said, touching her children's blond heads with her carefully manicured hands. She finally looked at me. "Beau," she said. 

I looked to my left. My uncle sat there sipping his coffee. He looked like he wanted to say something but didn't. 

"Good morning," I said finally. 

"How are you today, young man?" she asked. 

Young man? "I'm fine," I said quietly. 

"If you were fine, you wouldn't be here. Would you?" she said. I heard: why are you still here? 

"I guess you're right," I said. I really needed to figure something else out. But what? I was basically helpless. The friends I'd made. The life I'd found. It all seemed so distant now. The moment I'd stepped into this house, it had all just sucked me back in. I wasn't even as good as a kid with training wheels. I didn't even have a bike to work with. 

"So," she said, sitting down, "how long will you be staying here?" 

"Anne," my uncle scolded. I was surprised he'd said anything. But then again, he'd convinced his wife to let me stay in their home. Unlike last time, she wasn't just doing it temporarily for show. Nobody was watching now.

She seemed put off by her husband's reprimand. "What? I'm just asking. It seemed like he'd found a nice place. I just don't understand why-" 

"I'll try to get out of your way as soon as I can," I said. "I've got to go back to school soon enough. Maybe I can get a room somehow." 

She looked content just with the knowledge that I wouldn't be staying permanently. That alone was enough for her. I stared at the kids in front of me. They looked the same age despite a two year difference. They also looked identical, like their mother was only capable of producing cherubs. I found it weird that they never seemed to say anything. Weren't kids supposed to be loud and rambunctious? 

But it wasn't just the quiet children. Being at this table made me feel uncomfortable in a way I hadn't felt in a long time. I was vividly aware of the way my aunt looked at me, at the entire length of me. She eyed me like I was a blatant criminal trespassing in her home. For a horrifying moment, I wondered if it was more than just my sexuality that she hated about me. I wondered if it was my skin, too. My mother's skin.

"Beau, you can stay here as long as you need to," he said. 

"Of course, you can," she said. "You're my sister's son, after all." She somehow managed to lace the entire sentence with passive aggression. When she looked at me, she was looking at the woman she'd envied and despised for years. She'd had plenty of time to perfect the art of subtle hatred.

"Yeah," I said, standing up. "If you'll excuse me. I'm going to get in contact with my school. See if I can't figure something out." I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to deal with it.

"NYU, right? You must be quite smart," she said condescendingly. 

I fake-smiled. Maybe it was her uncomfortable mentioning of mom. Maybe it was the disrespectful looks she gave me. Maybe it was how eerily quiet the rest of her family was. I couldn't help it. "You know, I am quite smart...despite how gay I am. It's a miracle," I said. 

Her mouth dropped open. "I'm--I..." 

"Praise Jesus!" I proclaimed before leaving her saying something angrily about the lord's name in vain and her husband trying to explain why I was acting out. Whatever. I was only here out of desperation, and she'd kick me out anyway in the next few days. I didn't need to be liked. 

I walked up the stairs. Everything felt exhausting. It was freezing outside, but I still pushed the window open. The snow fell softly, slowly. I leaned on the window frame, remembering how warm and comfortable it had been in Florida. I wished I could go back to my real home. To my mom. 

I just wanted to feel safe. I wanted to feel cared for again, to be thought about. I'd never get that from this family. 

My phone rang from where I'd discarded it on my bed. I sighed and let it ring. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Guilt rose in my stomach when I thought about how blatantly I'd been ignoring Sallie and Amory. And I'd gotten that text from Ren last night, too. Even reading 'Copper' made me want to cry. It had never meant what I thought it had. I didn't respond. 

The silence following the violation of my phone's ring tone was punishing. There was some sort of psychic pull coming from the device. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I swear. But I wanted to look at my screen, itched to. 

It could've been Ren. Maybe I should listen to what he had to say?

It rang again. I slammed the window shut and launched myself onto the bed. I bounced a little as I grabbed my phone. 

It was Sallie. I groaned and answered. She wouldn't stop calling unless I explained to her why I'd left. She was that kind of person. "Hi." 

"Where the hell are you? You're back from Florida, right? Why didn't you pick up when I called? When I texted? What the fuck, Beau?" she shouted. 

"Please don't yell at me," I said weakly. 

Her tone switched entirely, flooding with concern. "You don't sound so great. Are you sick? Are you safe?"

"I'm fine," I lied. 

"Where are you? I'll come get you and bring you back. Marley makes a mean chicken soup." 

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling fan. Chicken soup sounded good, but... "No, I want to be alone, ok?" I didn't want to be alone, and I didn't just want to be thought about. I wanted it to be Ren who was doing the thinking.

"Duckling, what happened?" 

The compassion in her voice made my eyes water. "It's nothing. I should have expected it when I saw that stupid painting." 

"Beau, what the hell happened in Florida?" she asked. 

"They were together, Sallie," I choked. I was waterfall crying now, and I hated it. It had been waiting right beneath the surface. I clenched my hand into a fist, digging my nails into my own skin. "Ren and Liam. I went down there because I thought I knew something, because I wanted to be right. And I was wrong. That's what the hell happened in Florida." 

Sallie didn't say anything. She let me cry. 

"I'm so dumb," I whispered. 

"You're not dumb, Beau. Jesus. Ok. Are you at your family's?" 

"Sallie, I don't want to see anybody. Please, don't ask," I said. 

"Ok, so you are there. Good to know," she said. 

"I never said--"

"I could tell. And Beau, everything's going to work out. You hold tight. I don't know what went on. I don't know what Ren did or why he did it. Frankly, my fucks have flown away. What matters is what happens from here." 

"When you say things are going to work out, I almost believe you," I said, hugging my pillow. 

"Well, good. Believe me. I love you, kid. See you when I see you," she said. "And take care of yourself until then. I'm telling Amory you're alive." 

"Bye, Sallie." 

I dropped the phone onto my chest. It pinged a few moments later. From Amory. Glad you're ok. Still have that shoulder if you need it.

Wow, Sallie was fast. They both were. I really had worried them. It would have made me feel guilty if I had any energy left for it. I tossed my phone aside, rubbing my eyes and pulling my laptop closer. I pulled up NYU's page and tracked down a number to call about my living situation. It stared at me, a collection of menacing pixels arranged into a series of numbers that meant the end of whatever hope still lingered. Calling this number was a heavy hatchet to whatever I had left of Ren. I'd be really gone, really moved out when this hellish winter break came to an anticlimactic end. 

I dialed the number into my phone but couldn't get my finger to touch that green button. Anguish felt kind of good in a kind of terrible way. If I was mad, hurt, confused...there was still something connecting Ren and me. I didn't want to go back to that rooftop, back to before we'd become what we were. 

But 'what we were' was too painful now. I couldn't go back to before I met him and I couldn't go back to what we had. I couldn't be that person any longer, pining blindly like a loyal puppy. Amory had been right. The pull had gotten too strong for me to live contentedly in Ren's orbit.

A knock sounded on my door. It was soft, not my aunt's bony knuckles. "Beau? Can I come in?" 

I sat up. "Yeah." 

He eased the door open and looked at me. "Sorry about that," he said. 

"I'm the one that yelled," I said, nervously messing with my sleeve. 

"Yeah, but she's...anyone sane wouldn't blame you," he said. "Hopefully, I'm still sane. And I hope you know that it doesn't matter what she says this time. You can stay here if you need it." 

He leaned against the doorframe and smiled. I sighed. "Thanks," I said, feeling a little uncomfortable. "Did you just come up here to apologize for her again?"

"No, there's someone at the door for you," he said. "Apologizing was just something that had to happen first." 

"Someone?" I asked. My heart-rate was already elevated. I felt my limbs turn to clouds. "Who?"

Ren. It was Ren. He came after me. Somehow, he'd found me. Fuck. Thank god. Fuck.

"Young man. Tattoos. Stylish beanie," he chuckled. "Quite the character." 

"What does he want?" I asked, guarded. One half of me wanted to tear off from the other and go hopping down the stairs and into Ren's arms. The other half was chained to this bed. 

He looked confused. "You don't want to see him?" 

I shook my head. "It's not that." 

"Did he do something to you?" 

I looked at him, shocked. There was a heavy implication that Ren had done something bad. I grimaced and told half-lies, half-truths. "No, god no. He didn't do anything. It's just complicated now."

"I can tell him to go away." 

I shook my head. "I should talk to him." 

"He's the roommate, right?"

I nodded. "Was."

"Let me know if you need anything. I'll keep an eye on your aunt. She's still in a tizzy, so we'll be on the other side of the house," he said. 

I smiled and nodded, but I felt like an empty shell. I could hear the ocean in the blood rushing through my body. As soon as he left, I ran in front of the mirror and tugged a navy sweater over my head, ruffling my hair in a failed attempt to make it look orderly. 

I lingered at the top of the stairs for a moment before I started down them. Closer and closer. It felt sort of like someone else was controlling my body, piloting me towards the door. Bizarre electrical signals were being beamed into my brain, making me twist the knob and pull. It was often like this with Ren. 

And then he was just there. 

"Hi," I said from behind the screen door. 

He turned and looked at me. As soon as he did, my insides were on the outside. Butterflies disturbed the contents of my stomach, flapping their wings violently. My skin buzzed. The crisp winter air wrapped around me, pulling me towards him. 

His cheeks were red. His hair peaked out from beneath his hat. Despite the cold, he was barely covered up. He didn't seem bothered about it, either.

"Copper," he exhaled. The very corner of his lips lifted ever so slightly. He squinted a little when he smiled. "Thank god I found you." There was snow all over him. Ren reached for the screen door's handle, but I beat him to it and tugged it shut. He looked confused. "What are you doing?" 

"I don't want to deal with this right now. Why are you here?" I asked. I managed to keep my voice level. None of my anger, pain, or thunderous longing showed. 

His eyebrows furrowed. "You left without saying anything. I was worried about you," he said. He was blinking rapidly like he was trying to put a million-piece puzzle together and couldn't find any edge pieces. 

"So did you," I shot back. "You left me a note and disappeared to go frolic with your boyfriend on the other side of the country."

Ren looked frustrated. I watched him pace on the porch. My hand was still on the door handle, doing its best to keep that wall between us. "I didn't... Look, I'm sorry, Beau. Liam literally told me that I couldn't tell you anything, and I was-" 

"He told you not to talk to me? Are you kidding me?" I said, incredulous. 

"Yeah, he said that if he saw your name on my phone, he'd go to the cove. And I couldn't let that happen. It's the whole reason why I left so suddenly, so please don't-"

"The cove?"

"It's this place in Florida," Ren said. He stopped pacing and stared at me. I shrunk a little. "He said he would kill himself if I didn't go."

My mouth went dry. I shivered and tugged on my sweater. "He didn't..." I couldn't look at Ren. "He didn't seem like the type." 

"Yeah, well. Neither did you," Ren said. "But people struggle sometimes." 

I shook my head. "I didn't know that you were..." I still couldn't look at him. "I thought--I didn't know that you and Liam were together. I thought he was just your friend." 

"Yeah," Ren said. I finally forced myself to look at him, and he seemed nervous. "I'm not proud of it. I was a terrible person to him, to be honest. And I didn't want you to know about it." 

"Why?"

Ren turned away from me. "Because you're you, Beau." 

"That doesn't mean anything." I stared at his back. "What does that mean?" My grip on the door handle loosened. 

"I'm not a good person, is what it means," he turned back to me. "I'm a complete asshole basically all the time, and I can't help it. Even just now, I lied to you." 

"Ren--" 

"I told you that I left because I couldn't let Liam die, and maybe that was mostly why I did it. But I could have said something. I could have done it better. But I was so fucking terrified that I was going to fuck something up or that you'd..." He stopped talking abruptly. I waited. 

"I'd what?"

He still didn't say anything. His lips were suspended, slightly parted. I remembered how close Liam and Ren had been in Florida. Maybe it had to do with what Liam had said, that he was going to hurt himself. But I couldn't believe that. I couldn't be that naive again. Ren had literally just told me that he'd lied to me. I shook my head. "Whatever, Ren. You don't have to take care of me anymore, alright? Please just leave." 

"I don't want to leave without you," Ren said suddenly. 

The snow fell quietly behind him. The world was muted. No one was outside on the streets. It was just the two of us. 

I stared at my feet. "I woke up and you were gone," I said. "You realize how that made me feel? After everything I've been through? After what we..."

"I'm sorry, Beau. I'm so sorry," Ren said. He stepped closer to the door, holding the handle. I swear I could feel his touch radiating through the metal. 

"I went to Florida," I admitted. I looked at him to gauge his reaction, but he didn't seem surprised. "Sallie told you?" 

He nodded. "Why did you follow me?"

"I thought that Liam had forced you to go to him," I said. It wasn't the whole truth. "Guess I was half-right." 

"You knew," he said. 

"I looked at your portraits, Ren," I said. Nothing I'd said had really phased him except for that. Emotion flooded his face. His dark eyes narrowed and...he teared up. I'd never really seen Ren cry before that moment. 

"I didn't want you to find out about them," he said quietly. His voice was unsteady. 

"Because they're all the people you've been with?" I asked. 

He nodded, and his shaky hand dragged his hat from his head. His hair spilled out onto his forehead. I stared at it. "All I do is hurt people. From the second I was born, everything started going wrong." 

I thought of Ren's parents. His feelings made sense. Despite how strong he was, a part of him blamed himself for what had happened. For his mother's disregard. His father's disdain. The abuse. He was a little bit fractured. 

But I remembered the painting of his parents. There was so much passion in him. Such deep feeling. Ren could do so much more than hurt people. He'd done so much more for me.

"I've looked up to you since we met, you know?" I said. He looked at me, wiping his tears away before I could really see them fall. I smiled a little. "But god knows why because you're really a fool." 

"Beau, I'm-" 

"I don't give a shit about your past. I don't care that you were with Liam or all those other people. I don't care that you hurt them, even though I maybe should. The only thing that matters to me is that you don't care enough about me to talk to me, to tell me the truth." 

"I was scared, Beau," Ren said desperately. He seemed it. 

"I saw you and Liam together. I went to your house. I saw you from outside," I said. It was strange. I'd never really felt like I had power over Ren. It was always me who hung on his every word. He spoke to me like he knew secrets I'd never learn. He smirked at me like he could read my thoughts. But the way he was looking at me now...

I held him in my palm. I could crush him or I could kiss him. Only one option made sense. I was all knotted up, furious, hurt. I didn't know who I was. "I don't trust you, and I don't give a fuck about you anymore, Ren," I lied. "Leave me alone. I don't want to see you." 

"Copper, let me-"

"Don't call me that," I said through gritted teeth, moving to tug the door closed and shut the whole world out before I had to listen to his heart shatter. I felt like I was plunging a knife into my own chest, and it hurt. 

"I'm not with Liam!" Ren cried. I froze right before I shut the door all the way. A sliver of winter remained. I left it there. 

"I saw you," I said angrily. But I couldn't help remembering how it had felt to have him standing so close to me the night before he left. "Stop lying to me." 

"I left without talking to you because I was scared of how I felt. So I ran away. I needed...I wanted to protect myself," he said. 

"Protect yourself?" I said angrily. "Are you serious? From what?" 

"From you!" he shouted. I yanked the door open and stared at him, ready to scream at him about how much of an asshole he was. It was him who'd done something wrong! What right did he have fearing me? But then I saw the vulnerability in his eyes. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even breathe. 

"Wh-" 

"I never cared about anything. If you love someone, they're going to hurt you," he said like he was reciting an unquestionable truth. "I learned that when I was just a kid. My scars remind me every day." 

My heart ached. My throat closed up. Realization was settling all around me like the snow, sparkling in the sunlight and nearly blinding me. 

"So I stopped caring. I slept with everyone and anyone. I drove Liam half to suicide, for fucks sake! God knows why Sallie even hangs around anymore..."

"Ren," I started. 

But he shook his head and held up his hand. "Just listen. I... For some reason, I thought that if I left, I would be able to figure it all out. I could put some distance between us. How would I feel about it? What would you do?" He looked at me tentatively. "But despite how fucking terrified I am of you, I couldn't stop thinking about you. All I wanted to do was fly back to New York and see you." 

"Ren," I begged. 

He swallowed. "And then I came back and you were gone and I felt so empty. I cried. Beau, I cried. I don't remember the last time I really cried like that." I imagined him standing alone in the dark apartment, tears in his eyes, his shoulders shaking. I felt the threat of tears. "So please, please don't say that you don't want to see me. I..."

Ren closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "Fuck, this is scary."

I couldn't help it anymore. I pulled the handle and squeaked the screen door open. He looked back at me. 

"I panicked when you were gone," I said. I was out of breath and could only get my sentences out in halves. "I found those paintings and..." I sucked in freezing air. "I thought that you were with Liam. And you left." 

Ren shook his head. "Liam's staying in Florida. He's not-" 

"I followed you to Florida because...I wanted you to stay with me," I choked out. Ren's eyes widened. "I wanted to tell you everything." My voice shattered. I burst into tears, shaking. "But everyone I love dies." 

"Copper," Ren breathed. His reached for me and pulled me close. I folded into him as he held me. It felt so safe, so warm. His hand cradled the back of my neck, his other on my back. "Tell me," he whispered. 

I shook my head, hiding my face against his neck. My lungs were so tight. My body was dissolving. My throat was burning. I couldn't speak. I couldn't make it happen, couldn't make the words come out. 

"Copper," he whispered. So soft. So quiet. Against my ear and into my soul. 

The air changed. Heat flared up between us. My lips lingered against Ren's neck, and I could almost taste his tattoos. 

"Tell me," he whispered again, pulling away from me. He held my face with both of his hands. His thumbs caressed my jaw, my cheeks. His eyes scanned my face, searching. A little lock of his hair blew against his forehead. He tilted his head ever so slightly. "Beau, are you in love with me?"

A tiny sound escaped my throat. A tear fell down my face, but he caught it with his thumb. Slowly, jerkily...I nodded. 

"Sort of," I said weakly. 

"Sort of?" he asked. A smirk transformed his face, but it was different from usual. His eyes were still teary, raw. He was being honest with me. And he looked so relieved. 

"Sort of. Yeah," I said, louder this time. "Yes," I said, nodding against his palms. "For so long. Ren. Please, I-"

"Fuck," he breathed against my lips. His body collided with mine, pushing me against the door. I didn't know where I was anymore. I couldn't feel anything except for his body against mine, couldn't hear anything except his unsteady breathing, couldn't see anything except for the fluttering of his eyelashes. And then I slipped away from myself, closing my eyes. Everything vanished.

I didn't care about anything else. Ren was kissing me. Kissing me. His rough hands tilted my head back so that he could taste me. His lips moved against mine hungrily. Was he doing this? How was I doing this? I just...felt it, knew it. I realized that I was supposed to have been kissing Ren all along. I'd wasted so much time.

It was so soft. So hot, but so slow. Desperate but gentle. His hand moved from my face, pulling my hips against his. I was melting in his hands. Everything he touched burned. I weakly grabbed his shirt, but my arms were basically limp. He kissed the world out of me and I was just me and he was just him. I didn't want it to ever stop. 

But Ren's lips broke from mine. A bit of winter slipped between us. His hands slammed against the wall on either side of me, and his head fell to my shoulder. We were both breathing hard. I stared forward, shocked and speechless. I didn't move, maybe couldn't move. I stood there blankly, my hands at my sides, staring. My lips tingled. Spirals of sparks exploded across my skin.

My heart felt like a star. It was suddenly the sun, important enough to have an entire solar system revolving around me just because Ren kissed me. Ren kissed me! My skin burned from the inside. The snow around us melted all at once.

I stared at the bird tattoo behind his ear. My hand shook slightly as I raised it between us, curving my fingers around the back of Ren's neck. His breath caught. His body shifted. I pulled him a little closer. 

My senses slowly came back. Ren wasn't fading in my arms. It was real. 

"Why did you stop?" I asked breathlessly. 

He slowly raised his head and looked at me, his lips still parted. His eyes were glossy. He looked like he was floating into space. "You're..." 

I smiled and it made his face change. Gravity remembered it was supposed to be dragging him down. He looked pained. "Damnit," he said. He stepped back and turned away from me again. I grabbed his shirt before he could run. 

"Kiss me again?" I asked. 

He looked at me over his shoulder almost warily, afraid. I was half danger, half miracle. Was it a trick? I shook my head. I was no trick. "It's just me," I said. "Don't be scared, ok?"

A puff of air escaped his nose. Half of a laugh. His breath twisted around him in the cold. "I can't help it." 

I nodded. "It's ok." 

"It's not. I'm messed up." 

"So am I." 

"It's different." 

"I don't care," I said finally. "I don't care."

"How don't you care?"

"I don't..." I shook my head, moving my hands briefly to his chest. His body tensed. "Because I--love you," I managed despite a slight cracking in my voice. And I said it again, better this time. "I love you. And I want you to love me." Another tear escaped me. My hands were still trembling as I swiped at it. I stared at my palms. "I can't...stop shaking," I said. 

Ren's hands closed around mine, steadying them slightly. A deeply meaningful sigh escaped him and evaporated into the air before I could translate it to proper english. He touched his lips to my forehead. I shivered. 

He released my hands, slowly wrapping his arms around me. Tighter, tighter he held me until I could barely breathe. But I didn't care. I held him just as close. He lifted my feet ever so slightly from the ground. I closed my eyes, letting him hold me, hiding my face in that perfect spot between his shoulder and his neck. 

It felt like years of waiting. Eons had passed of us living together, apart. Millenia of walls and concealed truths and denial. The weight of it all pushed us together closer and closer until our hearts beat right up against each other. 

"I'm not good at this, so..." Ren took a deep breath. I could feel his chest expand against mine, and a brilliant bloom of happiness sprung forth behind my rib cage. He was barely whispering. "Just, if we do this, I'm in it. I won't be able to go back. If you want it, I'll..." 

He lowered me to the ground and stared at me. I touched his face, and his hand hovered above mine for a breath before his fingers touched my skin. "I'll be in it, Beau. I won't be able to leave you or," he winced, "keep going without you. You come home and you stay home."

I nodded. Yes. Yes.

"You want this, Beau? Me? My...fucking mess?" he asked. 

I smiled, gazing at him. Ren. Beautiful, crooked, mysterious, perfect Ren. I forgave him completely.

"I'm serious," he said, holding my hand tightly and pulling it away from his face. "You make up your mind now. I need to know that you're--"

"Yeah, Ren. You and your mess. I'll take it if you'll take mine." 

He exhaled like he was relieved. "Ok," he said, nodding. "Ok." He stood up straighter. "I...don't know--"

I shook my head. I didn't know either. What do we do now? What do we say? A laugh escaped me before I could stop it. I pressed my fingers to my lips, embarrassed. Ren looked surprised. "Sorry, I..." I shook my head. But I cracked again. Another laugh bubbled up from my chest where the entirety of springtime was happening all at once. 

Ren cracked a smile. At first, that was all. But another round of crazy laughter from me and he was laughing, too. And then we were both just standing there laughing like crazy people. 

When all the birdsong was sung and fresh flowers had sprung, I wiped away my happy tears and took a deep breath. The second the laughter ended, something quieter took its place. Something deeper. Intimate. 

Ren's smile gradually faded. He was staring at me. He stepped closer. My body was still this time. I touched my tongue to my lips. Ren's eyes flicked to my mouth. My heart thrummed like hummingbird wings.

It had never been like this before. I'd dreamed. I'd stared. I'd fought so hard. In that moment, that very second, I felt the shift all at once. We tumbled over a cliff together, plummeting down and down. Things were just different at the bottom. Greener. Easier. 

It was so slow, the way he moved, like he was trying not to crack the ice we stood on. His cold nose gently touched mine. His hand rested on my neck. And then, just a slight touch of his lips to mine. A graze. A brushstroke. I closed my eyes and felt him close to me. 

His breath tickled my face. His kiss was different this time. It wasn't desperate or eager. It was intentional. Measured and undemanding. Vulnerable and nervous. It was everything. 

His tongue barely caressed my lips, but I felt it so vividly. I could never have imagined it like this. Not like this. It was so much more. 

Ren smiled against my lips. I opened my eyes. He was already staring at me. 

"I've thought about doing that since I met you," he admitted. 

"Me, too." Ren hid his face in my hair. He inhaled deeply. I smiled. "Are you smelling my hair?"

He nodded. "I love your hair," he said, tangling his fingers in it. I let him. It felt good, those wonderfully cold hands. 

I rested my hands on his chest, secretly feeling his muscles. He laughed lightly. Guess it wasn't so secretly. 

"Let's go home, Copper," he said. 

I nodded. "Please."

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