✾ Sweet Pea ✾

I was in Florida. God forsaken, Satan's vacation home Florida. Home of alligators, retirees, and sadness. It used to be different. I used to like the place. But now all I wanted was the noise and business of New York. 

"Hey," I said, dropping my bag in the doorway. He looked like a kid on Christmas. He lunged toward me, maybe trying for a hug, but I flinched away. I couldn't help it. It felt like I was being disloyal to the version of me I wanted to be. Actually, I'd felt that way since stepping out of our apartment.

And something about the Liam now was repulsive to me. I remember thinking that the parts of Liam I hated were the parts that reminded me of me. The parts that reminded me of my dad. I couldn't get that crazed expression he showed me out of my mind. 

But it was long gone now. He looked hurt that I wouldn't let him touch me.

 "I still haven't forgiven you," I said.

The hurt didn't fade, but he nodded and said, "Right. Sorry."

"What you did wasn't ok," I said. He slowly nodded. "Why am I here, Liam?" I asked.

He stepped aside and gestured for me to walk inside. I wondered how he had even gotten in. Even if he'd kept the key all these years—which I wouldn't put past him now that he'd revealed himself to be soft psychopath—the locks had been changed. I swear if I walked in and found a broken window somewhere...

"Oh, how generous of you to invite me into my own house," I snapped, walking past him.

"Well, it's not your house, is it? It's your dad's."

I froze, turning to look at him. "Are you fucking-"

"Sorry, that was unnecessary." He shook his head and raised his hands defensively as if I might attack him and not the other way around.

"Whatever," I said, heading further into the house. It definitely brought back memories. Not good ones, but they were still there. I couldn't find a surface that Liam and I hadn't had sex on or near so I just stood in the kitchen. I crossed my arms to make it seem as though I didn't want to be here.

"I'm glad you came, Ren," he said gingerly.

I glared at him. "I shouldn't be here."

"Then why are you here?"

A very good question. I couldn't answer. "I think I should just go back to New York now and pretend none of this ever happened."

"You do that and I'm going to the cove."

I stared at him. "You're not serious about this, are you?" He tensed and looked away from me. I felt angry. "What are you doing?"

"I needed time with you."

I rubbed my eyes. "Jesus."

"I'm not in a good place." He looked tired. "The cove was just..." I thought of the craggy rock formation surrounding the cove, about the dangerous currents that could easily drag someone down under. 

"Stop talking like that."

"I can't. How would your little kid feel if he couldn't have you? He'd do the same thing, from what I've heard."

I inhaled sharply like he'd just physically stabbed me with his sentence. "He wouldn't." I said it as harshly as I could with as much certainty packed into every syllable as possible. Beau had grown; he had more than just me. For some reason, that thought made me incredibly happy all of a sudden. And despite the disgusting sentiment of Liam's words, the greedy part of me managed to catch that he had called Beau mine. "And he doesn't 'have' me. I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're as blind as you've always been. At least that hasn't changed."

"I don't know what you're-"

"You're in love with him and he is with you. You forgot all about what we had because some random kid came along who's a little nice looking."

"Ok." I was barely able to speak. "Ok, first thing: Beau is not in love with me. Second: he is not random and not just a little nice looking. He's amazing. And, Liam: there is no 'we,' ok? Stop thinking that there is. I know I shouldn't have picked up with you again, and that's on me. But you need to stop."

Liam's jaw twitched. A shadow of defeat passed over his face. "Then why did you come?"

"You threatened me," I replied. It was a lie, though. When I said the words, I felt self-disgust roil in my stomach.

I sighed. "So what's your plan, Liam?"

"What do you mean 'plan'?" he asked.

I stared at him. Clarity was necessary in this situation. If he laid all his cards on the table, I could maybe force my way through that determined selfishness. "You brought me here for a reason. I want to know what it is and I want to know what you want."

Liam slowly approached me. I felt a deep sort of crookedness, but dismissed it. Of course, everything felt off. Given the situation, I shouldn't have been surprised by a tinge of sketchiness. Liam reached out to me but I caught his wrist before he could touch my arm. He donned that same injured look again. "Ren, please. I just want us to be close like we used to be. Even for a little bit."

"And you thought that forcing me to come to Florida would make that happen? You thought I'd magically realize all I've been missing since we split up as soon as I set foot here?"

"I thought it might help," Liam said. His tone was grave, but I realized on closer examination that despite his unhinged appearance, there was a layer of something vulnerable beneath.

I dropped his arm. This was going no where. I felt trapped. I could just leave, but doing so would mean risking Liam's life. It didn't matter if he was serious or not; if there was even a chance he would go to the cove, I needed to stay. 

We'd visited there once when we were younger. We were swimming, enjoying each other's bodies, sunbathing, and swimming some more. Back then, we'd been careless. We hadn't noticed the tide rising, and with it the dangerous rush of water slamming against the jagged rocks. Huge waves poured over the stones. I was lost in it. If Liam hadn't been such a good swimmer, I might've died. We got out of there as fast possible and never went back. I had to go to the hospital. If I let Liam go there with the intention of losing his life, he would succeed. 

My phone vibrated. I sighed and pulled it out of my pocket.

"That's not him, is it?" Liam demanded. He surged forward and grabbed at the phone.

I snatched it away from him. "Are you serious? It's Sallie."

"I never liked her," he grumbled.

"She's my best friend, and she never liked you, either. Now, am I allowed to talk to her?"

"Depends on what you tell her."

"She asked me whether or not you're holding me captive," I said, staring at the message. 

She obviously knew something was up. When I'd left that note for Beau, I knew it wouldn't be enough. I knew he'd start panicking, that he'd jump to conclusions. 

I could have told Beau about what was happening. I knew that. Claiming anything otherwise would be a lie. It wasn't like Liam could have known about it if I told Beau why I was leaving back in New York. But a part of me wanted to see what Beau would do, how he would fare if I dropped out of his life. It was probably cruel, considering the number of people he'd lost. But I had no intention of leaving him for good. I just needed to test the waters. I needed to know. That's what I told myself. 

"What are you going to tell her?" he asked warily. He was staring at me with his tan arms crossed tightly over his chest like he was trying to hold himself back from something.

I read my message out loud as I typed it. "Relax. I'm fine. Wanted to see Liam."

"Add something at the end. You sound like a prisoner in that text."

"'Used to love it here. Needed it,'" I added. Liam looked pleased. I sent the text and tucked my phone back away, sighing. "Do you understand that I don't have feelings for you, Liam?"

He pulled himself up onto the counter. I was struck momentarily with a bizarrely vivid memory of Liam in nearly the same position minus his clothes. I tried to ignore the stir in my body but felt it all the same. I couldn't help it, even if I hated it. "I always thought of this place as sort of magic. Like...we came here and everything was good and we were happy. I thought it could be that way again."

"We can't go back in time, Liam," I said.

"I know," he replied. "But this is as close as I could get to it. I...wish we could go back. I wouldn't let you go. I'd show you how much you meant to me."

I shook my head. "We've grown up. We became different people. You stopped calling and so did I."

"And new and improved Ren only wants him."

I swallowed. "Yeah. I guess."

"We can't go back in time," Liam said. He swallowed hard. "I get that. But, just for a couple days, can you stay here with me? If you do, I won't do anything. After, you can go without feeling guilty. Without worrying."

It seemed reasonable. I wasn't ready to go back to New York. Paradoxically, I missed it and feared it.

"What are we going to do for two days?" I asked.

"Are you kidding me? We'll figure something out. There's a beach like twenty feet from where we're standing. I'm sure we'll be fine."

I groaned. This seemed like a relatively easy way out. If he was serious about this, I could just stay for a couple days and be done with Liam. I could figure myself out. Being with Liam reminded me of how empty everything used to feel. This whole thing was a chance for me to officially renounce my old ways, I realized. I just had to work up the courage.

Every day used to be like this, just wrong enough to eat away at my mind but not so wrong I felt like I had to do something about it. Every day was ok back then. Now, I had something to look towards. 

Beau had appeared and, beyond the genuine beauty he had introduced into my life, he taught me to want more. He taught me to see the silver linings despite tragedy and pain. I was kidding myself if I claimed it was anyone but him who had pushed me to reconnect with my mother. Liam had called me blind, but I felt like I could see much more than I ever had before.

That was what was so terrifying "I'll stay, ok? I'll stay."

❦

The wind rushed over the sand. My hair blew into my eyes. I pulled at it, sweeping it aside. I needed to get a haircut. 

"You look crispy."

I squinted into the sun. "When in Florida," I said, draping my arm over my eyes. Liam had said basically nothing to me since I'd agreed to stay. He just drifted around the house like a ghost, always looking pensive. 

Liam sat beside me. "Thank you."

I peered at him from behind my arm. When I saw his face, partially hidden by his windswept, wild locks, I knew he wanted to tell me something. I slowly sat up. I could feel the sand clinging to my back and reached back to brush it off.

"I wouldn't have gone to the cove, you know," he said, calmly brushing the sand off for me.

There was a spark of anger in me. I attempted to reel it in. "Why would you say that, then? It's not a joke. You can't just take that shit lightly, it's-" 

"You came, didn't you? Unlike you, I'm an asshole, and I knew I could manipulate you to come here if I threatened my own life. You're too good to let me die, or anyone, for that matter." 

I sighed, staring at the ocean. "Aren't most people?" I didn't feel good. I'd abandoned Beau like a coward. It was impossible not to feel like a selfish asshole. Like I said, I hated the parts of Liam that reminded me of myself.

"Maybe it was closure I needed," he said quietly. I almost didn't hear him. 

I looked at him. "Closure?"

"I really loved you. I didn't realize it back then. Do now," he started drawing designs in the sand with his fingers. I watched him do it. "I still love you, Ren, even if it's different now. And it's messed everything up." 

"Messed everything up?" 

"When you're in love with someone, even just a little bit, it's like you've got a rubber band around you and no matter how hard you try to move on, you snap back every time." 

Guilt washed over me. We'd drifted apart with no clean break. I'd kept sleeping with him without any concern for how he felt about it. I'd just been desperate to evade my feelings for Beau. "God, I'm an asshole," I mumbled. 

He nodded. "Yeah. Sometimes. But even good people can be assholes. We're human. Just got caught up." 

"I didn't mean..." 

The wind rushed over us again. Sand pooled between my toes. Liam looked away from me. "You've never really loved anyone before."

My heart lurched. "What?" 

"You've never cared. I know that you didn't love me. I always knew," he said, "but it's different now. I get that. And I'm sorry for...before. I didn't mean it. I was just really angry. And not just at you."

"I think..." I swallowed. "I think that it's not really different now. I think I'm still selfish." 

Liam chuckled. "Selfish?" 

I nodded. 

"What do you think love is? You think it's give all the time? Why do you think it feels so good? You do things because seeing the other person happy makes you happy, right? Because it makes you happy. We've somehow figured out how to make generosity selfish. Just the way it is."

I covered my face with my sandy hands. "I'm blind." 

"Severely. Possibly curable, though. I only know all of this because I've been in love with you since forever. But time's fucked it up real good, and I reacted to your happiness with anger like an idiot." 

I stood, stretching my arms above my head and then offering Liam my hand. "Let's go inside." 

He nodded and let me pull him up. We walked side by side toward the house.  I didn't want to look at him. I felt like I was carrying a stone in my stomach. "I'm sorry for everything, Liam."

"Me, too. Now we've just gotta keep going forward." 

I tugged the door open. "Don't even really know what that means, but ok." We walked into the kitchen, and I went to grab a glass. 

"For you, it means telling Beau the truth. Probably."

I swallowed, squeaking the water on and watching it fill my glass. "I don't know about that." 

"I know you don't want to be selfish any longer. You've wrecked a lot because of it before. But this is a different kind of selfish. It'll feel good to tell him, sure. But by helping yourself, you're helping him." 

"Why are we talking about this? Isn't this painful for you?" I knew I was changing the topic, but it felt like there was this wall between me and Beau that just wasn't going to come down. I couldn't ruin things. I couldn't go back to that. I swallowed some water but it did nothing to help the lump in my throat. 

Liam frowned. "Fuck, of course, it's painful. I thought I wanted you to come here to magically go back in time, but maybe I just needed you to cut the rubber band. What better way to do that than to rub in my face how much you love this other guy?"

I scoffed. "You're taking this well considering how angry you got before." 

"Like I said, I regret it. I don't know what came over me. I can't explain it." 

"There's a lot I can't explain about myself. I feel like the thing I should understand the most is just as much of an enigma as the farthest parts of the fucking universe."

"Huh?"

"I have no clue what's going on in my head, man. Like...I want to tell Beau. I want to do something. But every time I think about it, I chicken out. I'm terrified." The butterflies I felt when I thought about being with Beau were covered in frostbite. "I'm on the other side of the country right now because it's where he's not."

"It's a leap," Liam said. He shrugged. 

Maybe I was in love with the safety of not caring, of being alone. I couldn't imagine Beau doing anything bad to me, but having an abusive father and a mother with questionable moral judgement leaves a kid with serious trust issues. That was probably my fear. Maybe. 

But if there was anyone in the world I could trust, it was Beau. If he popped wings and revealed to me that he was a full-fledged angel, I wouldn't be all that surprised. 

"I wasn't expecting this to be the outcome of this trip," I said, smiling. 

"I had no idea what was going to happen, either. But I'm glad it did."

I walked up to Liam and put a hand on his shoulder. He looked confused until I said, "Liam, I do not love you. Move on with your life, find someone who does, and become a bazillionaire or some shit." 

He laughed and leaned forward, pulling me into a hug. I let it happen, chuckling. "Thanks for not being too mad," he said, still holding me close. I didn't feel that same stir I'd felt earlier despite the expanse of his skin I could feel against my chest.  

"You, too." 

He let go of me and nodded. "Guess you've got to get back to New York now." 

I swallowed nervously. "Guess so."