✾ Cyclamen ✾

The note was crumpled in my pocket. I could feel it even through my mitten. It was just a piece of paper, but my whole world had shifted because of it.

I rushed down the street. The wind bit at the spots where my skin was exposed, but I could barely feel it. Out of breath, I leaned into the winter storm and cut through the snow. When I finally arrived, my cheeks stung and the note was even more crushed and worried over.

The bell tinkled as I opened the door with a mittened hand. I stepped inside and looked around anxiously.

"Sallie," I said, relieved. She was sitting at our usual table at Mille-Feuille with a mug between her hands.

"You look like a lunatic," she helpfully commented. "Jesus, Duckling. Where's your scarf?"

I shook my head. "Doesn't matter. Have you heard from Ren?"

She set her mug down. "Is this you asking me if he's ok again? Because my answer hasn't changed."

"That's not what I'm-"

"Sal, they're out of...oh, hello." A girl had approached the table and planted herself beside Sallie. She had bouncy black curls and olive skin half a shade lighter than mine. A dusting of freckles graced her nose and cheeks. Her lips tipped up at the corners, making her look like she was half-smiling, half-omniscient. She was incredibly beautiful, the kind of beautiful that sort of glows a little bit in dark rooms. "I'm Marley."

"Nice to meet you, Marley," I said, holding out my hand. She extended hers, but I jerkily pulled mine back again and tugged off my mitten. I smiled nervously and offered my mitten-free hand once more. We finally completed our strange human greeting ritual. Thankfully, she smiled and giggled away my self-resentment.

"That was awkward," Sallie mumbled.

Marley smacked her arm. "You must be Beau. The Duckling."

"That's an embarrassing nickname, now that I think about it," I said, removing my other mitten and unbuttoning my coat.

"Nah, I don't think so. My parents named me after Bob Marley because they were listening to him while I was being conceived, so... I just think your nickname is nice. And Sallie really adores you."

"Oi, let's not reveal all my secrets to the kid, huh?" Sallie said. "Jeez."

I liked Marley. She was a very bright person. She wore a brilliant yellow shirt which somehow just looked like sunshine on her instead of a hazmat suit. "I don't mind sharing your secrets, Sal. You know everybody else's."

"That doesn't mean other people need to know mine," Sallie protested.

"I think it's only fair. Right, Beau?" Marley said, looking at me.

"Who knows?" I said diplomatically.

"That's a very neutral answer," Sallie pointed out.

"How long have you two been friends?" I asked, looking back and forth between them. I watched from a shallow puddle of awe as they simultaneously turned to give each other a knowing look. They were speaking telepathically to each other. It was the only explanation.

"We're not friends," Sallie started. "We're soulmates," Marley finished.

"O-Oh," I stuttered. "Sallie, I thought you were..."

"She's not my girlfriend," Sallie said. "We're just soulmates."

I didn't entirely understand. The word apparently held some cryptic meaning that floated over my head, beyond my reach. I decided to let it rest rather than question their relationship further. "How come I haven't met you?" I asked Marley.

"Sallie likes knowing other people's secrets but doesn't like people knowing hers," Marley replied.

"I don't mind you knowing mine," Sallie said to her soulmate. Then she looked at me. "And you can have a few."

Marley giggled again. It was an amusing laugh, kind of like hiccups without the jerky crookedness of the sound. It was the shape a pebble gets when it's smoothed over by water, rounded but a little bit wonky in places.

"Marley was the one I forced Ren to paint, back when we first met," Sallie said to me.

"It came out quite nicely," Marley said.

"I'm glad. He's really talented," I said.

I think some of the dreaminess I felt the night before had leaked into my voice because Sallie's eyes narrowed. Woops. "Yeah, he is. He's why you're here, right?"

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "He left me a strange note this morning, which is weird because he doesn't leave notes. He normally texts me things. But the note itself is even weirder."

"What did it say?" Sallie asked, her interest piqued.

"Here. I brought it," I said, pulling the crumply thing out of my pocket. Sallie took it, read it, stared at it, read it again. She looked up at me.

"Why the hell would he do this?" she asked, handing the note to Marley who looked happy to be in on the conversation. A shadow of anger passed over Sallie's face. She mumbled something about running.

"That's what I thought. Does Marley know what he did? Does she know that secret?" I asked, whispering for some reason.

"Yeah, she does," Sallie said. She seemed sad.

"Wait, who's Liam? What do I know?" Marley asked, curious.

"He's the asshole that attacked Ren," Sallie explained.

Marley's curvy lips fell down at the corners. "That one. His mother should have tossed him and kept the stork."

"Let me list things I hate less than Liam: raisin cookies masquerading as chocolate chip, forgetting my phone when I go to the bathroom, having one nostril blocked, unskippable hour-long ads, Christmas decorations in October-"

"We get it," Marley interrupted.

"This isn't a prank, right? Ren wouldn't do that," I said.

"Not once since I met him has Ren ever pranked anybody," Sallie said. "Feels safe to say that after nineteen years, he won't start now."

"So this is real?" I said, taking the note back. The message wasn't written. It was painted on a lined piece of paper.

"Have you called him?" Sallie asked.

I nodded. "Of course, but he hasn't answered. I don't get it. I thought he would have talked to me, or at least said goodbye."

I stared at the note. It was the cold, foreign Ren that would have left me like this. Copper, don't freak out. I know you'll freak out, but don't. I'm going to Florida. I don't know when I'll be back, but don't call me. When I can, I'll get in touch with you. Liam needs me, and I can't leave him right now. Take care of yourself while I'm gone.

"He's been acting strange since it happened," I said, staring at the note. 

"It just makes his leaving even stranger. Why would he go anywhere with Liam after that? I know Ren told me not to, but maybe we should call the police, to be honest," Sallie said.

"And then what? What would we tell them, and what would they even be able to do?" Marley asked. I felt a bit miffed that she was speaking up against the idea. I liked Marley, but she didn't know Ren like we did.

"I don't even know where he is," I said, withering. "All we know is that he's going to see Liam. That's literally it."

"Why did he tell you not to call him? That's what really creeps me out about all of this," Sallie said. She leaned forward. "If this was just a weird Ren-being-bad-at-life thing, he would have told you to call him. Maybe Liam has him captive. Maybe he's kidnapped Ren and is keeping him from using his phone."

The theory seemed a stretch. I didn't take it seriously, but still felt like something was off.

Sallie whipped her phone out. She aggressively tapped at the screen for a few moments. Marley leaned over her shoulder to peer at Sallie's message. "There," Sallie said, lowering her phone. "Let's see if we get some creepy response or radio silence."

"If he doesn't respond, what should I do?" I asked.

Sallie looked at me. Her shockingly green eyes were serious. "You've got to go to Florida."

I scoffed. The idea was so ridiculous that I thought she was joking. When her expression didn't break, I shook my head. "I can't go to Florida. You're not serious."

"I'm bubonic plague serious. What if I told you that I might know where they are?" Sallie said.

"I would say that it's still incredibly irresponsible for me to go to Florida on a hunch and that I still have three days of classes left."

"And I would say that you could just take your finals early and risk the hunch part anyway," she replied.

"What the hell would I even do? Say I do find them where you think they might be. What then? Am I supposed to fight Liam off and rescue Ren like he's some damsel? I'm pretty sure Ren wouldn't be there if he didn't want to...be...." I hesitated, realizing how true my words were.
Shit. Something had occurred to me. How could I not have questioned it before? 

"You look like you just saw a ghost or something," Marley said. She looked around like she might be able to see it, too. "Did you?" 

"I have to go check something," I said suddenly. I stood so fast that my chair screeched briefly.

"Where are you going?" Sallie asked.

"Don't worry about me. Call me if Ren texts back," I said, pulling my coat and mittens back on. "It was nice to meet you, Marley."

She nodded. "You, too. Good luck, Beau."

"Thanks," I said, expecting that I'd need it. The bell jingled again as I left the bakery, headed back out into the storm.

I hoped I was wrong. I could have asked Sallie about it, but I was too scared. I just wanted to see for myself. If I was right--and I didn't know whether I wanted to be or not--I still didn't know what I was going to do; it would only complicate things further. But I'd cross that bridge when I got to it.

❦

When I turned the key and swung the door open, the sheer emptiness of the apartment overwhelmed me. Tears pricked at my eyes.

I couldn't waste time or I'd never get my legs to move again. I'd come here with a purpose. I forced Ren's door open. Everything was the same as the night before save for my missing roommate. The acrylic smell of drying paint still filled the space. The portrait of Ren's mother was still in the center of the room. I walked past it to the corner, taking a shaky breath.

I was too distracted to pull my coat off, but I managed to discard my mittens somewhere along the way. I knelt down, pulling Ren's dresser forward a few inches and sliding the first painting out. I slowly dragged the sheet off of it. A woman with shiny blond hair and wintery blue eyes stared up at me. She was completely naked.

I swallowed hard, laying it beside me. So Liam had told the truth. They were paintings of Ren's lovers. But there were so many of them. I was suddenly incredibly intimidated. The woman in the painting was so beautiful. I wasn't anything like her. What did Ren think of a person like me, someone who knew basically nothing about sex? Did he think I was a kid?

But a worse thought dawned on me. If Liam had told the truth about the paintings, what else had he told the truth about? He's incapable of caring about anyone. I'm the only one he's ever been honest with.

I thought back to how firmly Ren had defended Liam after the shitty thing he did. Maybe...

I bit the inside of my cheek so I wouldn't start crying. I pulled the next painting from the rest and revealed this one, too. Another woman, this one with brown hair cut short and brown eyes. I pulled another out. She had brown hair, too, but it cascaded all the way down to her hips. They were all nude.

It was strange. Each painting I took out made me sadder as it became clearer and clearer how many people Ren had been intimate with, the sort of intimacy every bone in my body longed for but I'd never gotten. If he was so free, why had he never approached me? I felt like a sour grape. And yet each painting I pulled out that wasn't the one I was looking for brought about a surge of relief. 

Reality isn't real. I know nothing!

I was emotionally exhausted. DAMNIT!  My spinning mind shouted. DAMNIT!

People write such beautiful things about love. They write sonnets, sing to the stars, immortalize it in art. Love is woven into history, into who we are as human beings. So why, then, is it so hard? Why does it hurt so badly? A wiser person would probably say that it's because no good things come easily, but I wasn't big enough to believe that.

My theory is that the universe is just chaos and love is just a random asteroid that slams into your stomach and carries you off. There's nothing you can do about it except gasp for breath and hope that it's taking you in the right direction, hope that eventually you'll end up where you belong and not drifting through the vacuum of space forever. Or worse, smacking into another chaotic obstacle like a planet or a star or a black hole.

I pulled out the next painting and removed the sheet. Chaotic obstacle.

I held the edges of it tightly, my fingertips going pale. The tears came for real this time. I felt the pain of this black hole full force. It sucked me in and devoured me. I no longer knew where I was, only that I was surrounded by darkness. 

I dropped the portrait. The canvas thudded to the ground. I had no idea what I was feeling. Bad, good, up, down, left, or right. Inside out. Dizzy. I was spinning around. What's even in a black hole? What happens when you're sucked into one? What are you supposed to do?

It was of Liam. The painting. Entirely naked, like the others. Liam was Ren's lover. I'd been right. This was why Ren had rushed off to see him, why Ren had defended Liam.

You'll see... 

I'd seen the unmistakable flat chest and broad shoulders and thought a man! For a moment, my heart had soared. Beau, Ren's bi! It cheered. It did a little dance in my chest for the potential that we could... And then it smacked to the ground. Beau, Ren's in a relationship. Beau, Ren loves someone else. Beau, don't you remember? He's the only one Ren's ever told the truth.

What truth? About Ren's father? But I knew that! No, it must have been something else. His truth. Ren's truth. Didn't matter. I was just a roommate, a friend. I was someone not even worth his attention despite how he apparently gave it to everyone. I wasn't mad at him for having so many notches, I was mad at him for deciding that I wasn't going to be one. I didn't care if it was shallow or if it was just one night. I just wanted Ren to look at me, to see me, to want to be with me even an eighth as much as I wanted to be with him.

But he'd left. For Liam. Liam, with the too-perfect face and lion mane. Liam, who'd been the first person Ren had told about his dad. Liam, who--

My phone rang. I swallowed my sobs. "Hello?"

"It's me," Sallie said.

"Hi." I stared at Liam's blue eyes. I swear they were taunting me.

"Beau, Ren texted me back," she said. She sounded a little regretful, like she hated to be the one to deliver the news. "He said he's fine. He just wanted to go visit Liam in Florida where they spent so much time together."

I held the phone away from my ear so that Sallie wouldn't hear the little squeak of pain that escaped me. He told me not to contact him, but just me. He just didn't want me around during his romantic getaway with Liam. I bit my lip hard, attempting to steady myself. Slowly, I put the phone back to my ear.

"You there?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said shakily.

"Are you ok, Beau? You don't seem-"

"What did you mean by 'where they spent time together'?" I forced myself to ask.

"Before he started at NYU, Ren took a year off. He lived in Florida with Liam at his parents' beach house in the Keys. They're probably there. It's where I was going to tell you to go if you'd agreed."

I remembered, suddenly, that Ren had mentioned living in Florida the night we met. I gave up. I sobbed my words like a child. "Sallie, how didn't I know?"

"Duckling, know what?" she asked. She said my nickname with an uncomfortable amount of pity.

"That they were together," I said, my breath stuttering. Hot tears streaked down my face.

"Oh, Beau. I thought you did know. I assumed he'd told you," Sallie said quietly. Then she got a little angry. "He should have told you that."

"It hurts," I choked out. I clutched my chest, pulling my knees close and bending over them. I was trying to find a way to hold my body that lessened the pain.

"Beau," Sallie said softly. "Do you love him?"

Another wave of pain wracked my body. I couldn't believe that it physically hurt. It didn't make sense. I wasn't sick. I wasn't dying. But it felt like I was. "Yeah," I sobbed out. 

"Then go get him!" Sallie shouted. Her raised voice half-shocked me out of my tears. They kept falling, but silently.

"He's with Liam."

"Who cares?!" She was yelling. "You love him? Bring him back here! Tell him, for god's sake! I feel like a mother with some grown-ass children. Jesus!"

"What are you-"

"Duckling, if you don't fly to Florida in the next two days and profess your love to your roommate, I will personally shave those beautiful curls of yours right off."

"I can't go to Florida. I told you," I said. I wiped my face on my sleeve and stared at the painting of Liam. "He doesn't want me there. He told me not to call him. And he's happy with Liam."

"Do you really believe that? Because I sure as hell don't. I promise you, Beau, that there's absolutely no way that Ren wants to be with Liam right now. Zero chance. Zilch. Zipp-o. Something isn't adding up. You said Ren texts you to tell you things, but he randomly doesn't this time? And why the hell would Ren tell you not to call him? The guy rushed off without a word to fly to Florida!?"

She was making sense. Ren did normally text me if he wanted to tell me something while I was still sleeping. And he had left in the middle of the night without saying anything. But...what Sallie was saying was too good to be true. "Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want me around anymore."

"If he didn't want you around, he'd have kicked you out a long time ago. He wouldn't even let you stay at the dorms, a building filled to the brim with other guys, by the way."

I could tell by her tone that she was insinuating something, trying to tell me something without really saying it, but I had no idea what 'it' was. "I'm not going to Florida," I said, attempting to sound final about it.

"Because you're scared?" she said.

Her words hung in the air. I wanted to throw my phone across the room. "I'm not scared," I said.

"We both know that was a lie. Please, Beau. Be brave. Be vulnerable. Go."

I hung up. I didn't want to talk any longer. I just wanted to sit and stare at the paintings and think. About Ren. About Liam. About myself. Even, for a moment, about mom. I wished I could curl up and lay my head on her lap.

I remembered something Ren had said to me once. All you have to do is breathe.

I did. Slowly. In and out.

Love is such a terrifying thing. It cracks you apart and gets inside of you before you even realize it's happening, leaving you wide open and vulnerable to someone screwing you all up inside. One misstep. One wrong turn or loose screw or crooked smile and it was upside down, dizzy. I didn't want it, but I couldn't live without it.

I didn't have a choice. I had to go to Florida.