✾ Monkshood ✾

A knock sounded on the door. Or, it was more of a pounding. I tried to think of who it could be. Sallie would definitely bang on the door like that. But usually she just let herself in. Beau had a key.

I wiped the sweat from my brow. I'd just been doing push ups in my room and my shirt was sticking to my chest a little. I was pulling it off and starting towards my room when the banging started again. "Yeah, one second!" I shouted, grabbing a fresh shirt and tugging it on.

A couple more slams happened before I jerked the door open. "Can you just chill?" I complained.

"It's important," Liam said, shivering in my doorway with absolutely zero warm clothing on.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I hissed. Thank god Beau wasn't here yet. He'd texted me to tell me he was on his way back, though. I had to get Liam out of here. He and Beau weren't the best of friends.

"I had to see you," he said, shoving past me into the apartment. "Were you working out? You're all sweaty."

"Are you insane? Did you not wear a jacket here?" I watched as Liam peeked around corners. He swung the door to my room open, looked inside, and then shut it again. I followed him. He reached for Beau's door, but I slammed it shut as he tried to open it. "This is Beau's room. You can't go in it."

"Is he here?" Liam asked. "I don't see him."

"You're acting super sketchy right now. Are you on something? Or off something you should be on?" I asked.

"I'm fine," he said. He rubbed his arms. "I just needed to see you."

"You said that, but I don't want you here. Especially not when you're acting like a drugged out stalker. Can you just leave before Beau gets back?"

"You never used to be like this," he said, staring at me.

"Like what?"

"You used to be so carefree," he said. "Like in Florida."

"Speaking of, weren't you supposed to be leaving for Florida?" I pressed.

"I miss the carefree you," he said.

"I do, too. Sometimes," I said. It was true. There were times that I wished I could be like that guy again. I could sweep Beau off his feet and bring him to my bed, kiss his rose-colored lips and tell him how much I wanted him. "But most of the time, I just think he was an idiot."

"An idiot? For what? Being yourself?"

"I haven't been myself for a long time," I said. "It's better to care than to be carefree." I didn't know why I was lecturing him, but I felt like he needed to hear it. "Sure, sometimes it can be hard. But everything is just more meaningful when something really matters. The world, life...it seems worth it."

I felt the shallowness of my words immediately after I said them. I was preaching to Liam, but I'd never even dropped a tiny hint about my feelings for Beau. I needed to suck it up. If I still hadn't said anything at the end of the week--when Beau's winter break would begin--Sallie said she was going to dye my hair pink. And then promptly force me to fess up and profess my undying love.

I didn't entirely understand what was happening with me. But Beau was definitely more than a friend to me, and he deserved to know as much.

"You matter," Liam said quietly. I'd never seen him look so small. "You matter to me."

Ah. Right.

"Liam," I said softly. "I'm not-"

"I've loved you since we met, Ren," he said. "I'm in love with you."

Those words were heavy. I could feel them dragging me down. This was my chance to start fresh, though. I couldn't avoid breaking his heart, but I could at least leave some pieces left to be glued back together. I'd never been so thoughtful in the past, leaving my exes with nothing left but hatred and despair. I didn't want to do that to Liam. He didn't deserve that. Nobody did.

"Liam, I don't feel that way about you. I'm sorry," I said. How do you do this without being an asshole? It's so much easier when you can just sledgehammer people's hearts to a fine dust and be done with it. Maybe before I met Beau, this conversation would have been easier. "It was cruel of me to string you along. I did it for selfish reasons, and I apologize."

"It's because of that kid," Liam said. He wasn't looking at me. His golden hair was even crazier than usual. A shadow hung over his face.

"Beau has nothing to do with this, Liam. It's about you and me," I said. It wasn't entirely true. Whether it was a good or bad thing, Beau had sort of become a part of me.

"He corrupted you," Liam said.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"He turned you against me."

"Liam, you sound-"

He looked up at me. His eyes were wild. His hand shot out and he grabbed my shoulders, slamming me against Beau's door. I grunted, my heartbeat ramping up. "Sto-"

"Ren, you're mine, ok? Ignore the kid. He's a parasite. He's nothing," Liam said.

His fingernails were digging into my arms. "Liam, you're freaking me out!" I said, trying to shove him off of me. I had a bad feeling. A serious sort of bad feeling, like when you hear that someone's died or there was a shooting or a natural disaster. It's a filthy sensation crawling along your rib cage and up your throat. Perceptions change as the perils of the world, of daily life, are revealed.

"Don't be scared. It's just me," he said. His eyes dug into me almost as deeply as his fingertips did. "You look so sexy with that sweat. Reminds me of Florida."

Yeah. This was not ok. Not only was he being incredibly creepy, he was fixating on Florida like it was some sort of haven where we'd been in love. It was just a beach shack where we'd fucked, over and over, always the same. I had nothing for him in my heart back then. Nothing. He was a way for me to rebel against my parents. He was an activity, something to stave off the boredom and the physical symptoms of loneliness. There was no art. I painted him without any emotion because I hadn't felt anything at all back then.

Liam tried to kiss me, his eyes closed like he expected me to reciprocate. I shoved him off of me and he stumbled back, narrowly catching his balance before tripping over the coffee table in front of the couch.

"Don't come near me, Liam," I warned. "I'm stronger than you are." He eyed me as if wondering if I really was strong enough to defend myself.

It made me suddenly sick. I held my stomach. I wanted him out. Out. He didn't belong here, not so close to where I spent time with Beau, to where he lived, to where I got to know him and love him. This was Beau's space, my space, our space. Liam shouldn't be here.

"Get out," I hissed.

"You don't mean that," Liam said. He believed what he was saying.

"I do. Get out, and don't come back. Lose my number. I never want to see you again," I said. It was harsh. I know. I needed to make things clear, though. Liam apparently was a time bomb, and I didn't want to be in the blast radius any longer. Jesus, I'd fueled his infatuation, thrown gasoline on top. How had I not gotten burnt already? How had I never noticed? Sallie was right. Of course, she was. Why hadn't I listened?

No time for regret. "Leave!" I shouted.

Liam's face broke, screwed up like I was staring at his reflection in a shattered mirror. I hated that I felt relief at his pain; it meant that he wasn't going to go up in flames and try to fight me for... God, for my body? My heart? I didn't know.

"Fine." He turned and left almost as suddenly as he'd shown up. I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as the door slammed shut.

Holy shit. I dialed Sallie. She picked up immediately. "Liam's crazy. You were right."

I didn't know why, but my hands were shaking. My heart beat so hard it hurt a little. "What happened?" she asked, her voice chock-full of concern.

"I-I don't know. He just showed up acting all crazy," I said, looking around the room like he'd appear again any moment, like he hadn't left and was going to pop out from behind a door. I stood against the wall so I'd see him coming. I felt disgusting. I looked down. "I'm bleeding," I said. He had grabbed me hard enough. I'd have bruises, too.

"What!?" Sallie shouted. "What happened? Did he attack you?"

"It's not bad," I said. "Just scratches."

"What the hell? Are you at the apartment?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Yeah. I'm just shocked, I think. It's not a big deal."

"Um, I think it is. I'll be there in a moment. Don't move. We're reporting this to the police, I swear to god. I knew he was a creep!" she said.

"Sallie, no. Don't call the police. I don't want it to be a big thing," I said.

Sallie grumbled. "We'll figure it out when I get there. Sit tight. I'll be there in a sec, bud."

"Ok," I said, carrying the phone to the bathroom to check my wounds. They were small, but they stung a little. My heart rate was calming down. I felt steadier.

"Is Beau there?" Sallie asked.

I froze. What if Liam saw Beau on the way out? Beau had texted just earlier to say he would be home soon. "I have to go, Sallie," I said, throwing my phone down. I rushed out the door, bounding down entire flights of stairs in two steps. I nearly lost my balance twice on the way down the stairwell, but caught myself clumsily both times. I was really shaking now.

If I was the one Liam was obsessed with and he'd treated me the way he had, what would he do to Beau, the 'kid' he apparently blamed for my disinterest? My heart cursed with every beat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It beat.

I stopped. Everything stopped. 

He was fine. Beau was standing there looking shocked and entirely intact. A big, black scarf was wrapped around his neck, nearly covering half of his face. He had a light dusting of snow clinging to his hair and clothes, which was already melting.

"Wow, you're sweaty," he observed. He smiled. "What the heck are you doing?"

I was breathing hard, and my heart was about to explode. I was going to die young at this rate. I shook my head, weakly walking down the rest of the flight to the landing he stood on. "Nothing," I said, pulling him to my chest by the back of his neck. "S'okay," I said in one breath. He was freezing in my arms, but I didn't mind.

"Are you ok?" Beau asked, hugging me back. He sounded a little scared.

"I'm fine now," I reassured him. "Everything's good. Come on. Let's go up."

"What is that?" Beau asked.

"What is what?"

He grabbed my arm, staring at my skin. The tiny gashes seemed much bigger when I wanted to hide them. I don't know how he'd noticed them amongst my tattoos, but he had. "Are these cuts? What happened?"

"It's really nothing. Doesn't even hurt," I said.

He poked one of them, and I flinched. "Doesn't hurt?" he said, raising one skeptical eyebrow.

"Doesn't hurt when you don't poke it," I said, yanking my arm away. "Let's just go upstairs."

"Did Liam do this?" Beau asked. He was judge, jury, and executioner. I couldn't hide my surprise at his astuteness properly. "He did!? I saw him leaving the building! He looked so strange. I had no idea he would-"

"Beau," I said. He shut up. I didn't use his name that often. When I said it with such animosity, he knew I was serious. The air went foul between us. "Leave it alone, ok?"

Beau frowned. "It's not ok."

"I'll take care of it," I said. "Forget about it."

"I won't be able to."

"Try," I ordered, then turned to leave.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, my heart beat more quietly.

"I thought you said he was an ok person," Beau said.

"He is," I said, continuing up the stairs. "He's just confused."

"Why are you defending him?" Beau asked. He seemed hurt for some reason.

Why was I defending him? I had no clue. Maybe because of the time we'd shared? No. I could care less about that. I...
It was true, I realized. Liam was different from the others somehow. He'd just stuck around, long enough even that I'd told him about my dad. Maybe he had meant something to me.

I think I was also just embarrassed. I hadn't seen it coming at all. I didn't want Beau to know what had happened, to think differently of me because of it. He'd never trust my judgement again. I'd never trust it again.

Beau had followed me for a couple of flights wordlessly, but he finally said something. "Ren," Beau said. It came out a little bit like a squeak, like an injured animal. I froze and turned to look at him. His eyes were sad. "You're ok?"

The quills that had stood up all over my skin as a self-defense mechanism relaxed. I walked back down a couple stairs and rested my hand on his head, ruffling his hair slightly. "I'm fine. I promise." He nodded.

It wasn't Liam's sudden transformation that I couldn't stop thinking about. It was my dad's, all those years ago. My scars felt heavy.

We didn't say another word about it.