[PLEASE DON'T HATE ME AFTER THIS CHAPTER !]

[NOT EDITED AF]

Ashton's POV

I was no longer thinking straight. No longer able to make sense of what's happening.

No.

The surgery was supposed to be done one week from now.

No.

Life can't be that cruel.

No.

Not when I finally found a way. Not when there was hope. Life can't take that away from me.

Life can't take her away from me. Can't take him away from me.

Everything was supposed to happen according to our plan. She would have the surgery next week, she would be safe.

She can't give birth like this, her body won't handle it.

I want to wake up. This is a dream. A f*cking nightmare.

"Ahhh." Katherine's cry in pain snapped from my thoughts, her hold tightened over my arm. She shut her eyes, she gritted her teeth. My heart stuttered , she in pain.

I directly opened the car's door and helped her get in. I wasn't the one controlling my movements anymore.My mind, is totally blocked out. My body, i was no longer in charge of it.

I ran to the driver seat ,closed the door after me with a loud thud. My hands were shaking as i tried to start the car. My anxiety grew more when the engine didn't start, i tried again , but it would hitch and turn off immediately.

F*ck. F*ck. Not now.

I tried one more time trying to get a grip over myself but alas, it is not working, the car is not f*cking working. What a f*cking perfect time !

I don't know what exactly is happening inside my body, i can feel it burning, i feel something inside me breaking , i can feel it, it's tearing me apart.

Pain. Sadness. Nervousness. Anxiety.

I don't know. But i am sure of one feeling.

Anger.

I clenched my jaw, my hand curled into a fist and hit the steering wheel.

F*ck it.

Katherine placed her hand over my arm, i snapped my head toward her , "It's okay." She said, her voice low, her hand over her baby bump, i can see her struggling in taking a normal breath , "Just call 911."

Even though she is the one in pain, her tone so calm. She looks calmer than i am.

I nodded, my hand went inside my pocket but my phone wasn't there.

Goddammit.

Okay , just calm down. Try to think straight. Get a grip over yourself.

"I'll be back." I said and rushed inside to get my phone. I didn't waste a second as i immediately dialed 911 and gave them the address.

I went back outside. Katherine was no longer in the car, she was standing beside it. I directly went toward her, i cupped her face in my hand , "Are you still in pain ?" I asked. My chest tightened as i noticed her pale face. She looks like she would faint any moment now.

She shook her head , "No." She whispered. She looks tired though, as if her whole body is drained of energy.

"They'll be here soon." I said while gently stroking her cheek, "It's going to be okay."

I didn't believe in my own words. This is not okay. None of this is okay.

She seems to understand that as well.

"I should call the doctor." I said as i directly dialed his number. Maybe he will be able to do the surgery now. Maybe things will be better than this dark image in my head.

But the moment that hope raised , it vanished immediately when his phone was turned off.

Calm down. Call his office.

I did. No answer. I was growing impatient.

I was trying my best not to lose it. My hold tightened over the phone, my other hand curled into a fist. I feel like breaking something or i am the one who is going to break.

"Calm down." Katherine's voice is so low. So tired. Looking at her face i can't help the twisting pain in my stomach. She is not okay, she doesn't look okay.

Where the hell is the ambulance.

I should call my father. Maybe he will be able to reach the doctor.

He answered after the third ring, i didn't give him a chance to talk , "How can i reach the doctor ?" I directly asked. The fear and panic behind my tone probably revealed it all.

"Wh- what happened?" He asked in alarm, "Katherine is going to give birth now , we are going to the hospital and I can't reach the damn doctor."

There was a moment of silence before he talked again , "But Ashton, the doctor is out of town."

I shut my eyes, my heart squeezed tighter. Of course he is out of town, of course. That's my f*cked up life we're talking about.

"Look i will find something..i will send a jet to get him , you just go to the hospital now and i will follow you and-" He started to say but i tuned out his words as my gaze traveled to Katherine. Her palm pressed against the car in attempt to steady herself , her eyes rolled back to her head.

The phone dropped from my hand as they went to hold her body before she would hit the ground.

She collapsed into my arms, my back pressed against the car's door as an impact , "Katherine !" I said in alarm. Fear of what may happen coursed in my veins.

I dropped to the ground with her in my arms, my back laying on the car. I palmed her cheek , "Katherine , wake up !" I said panicked.

She opened her eyes slightly then closed them again , as if not able to keep them open.

"Katherine." I said, my voice much lower this time, i was losing the energy in me. I was losing it all.

It is happening.

What i've been scared of for the past month is happening.

I am not ready. I was never. I will never be.

When she opened her eyes again, i pulled her closer toward me, her cheek pressed against my chest, i leaned closer , my hand still cupping her pale cheek.

"I am..t-tired." She said, her voice so weak, hearing it alone broke my heart more. "I just want to sleep."

I shook my head , "No, no ,just s-stay with me , please Katherine-" I stuttered, barely even able to let the words out, "Keep those beautiful eyes looking at me."

I was afraid she would close them and i would lose my chance in ever looking at them again.

What if that's it. What if tomorrow will come with Katherine gone from my life.

Or maybe with him gone.

I won't forgive myself. She won't forgive me.

My heartbeats accelerated as Katherine's lip curved a small smile, her eyes still looking at mine, "My eyes are not beautiful." She shook her head , her voice so low, it's like it's exhausting her to even let the words out , "You're the one who have beautiful eyes." She added looking deeply into them.

"I hope.. he'll have your eyes." She whispered as her hand went toward my cheek, i placed my hand over hers pressing it further against my cheek, the smile still on her face while me, i couldn't stop my dark thoughts from eating my inside. I couldn't stop myself from picturing how tomorrow would look like.

"You'll take care of him...right ?" She said.

Her smile dropped , she shut her eyes and clenched her teeth.

Goddammit. Where is the f*cking ambulance.

"We." I said stressing on the word, "We will take care of him." I tried to sound confident, i tried to believe in my words.

Maybe saying them would make it real.

She shook her head.

No Katherine, no.

I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it , "I can't do it without you."

She nodded , "You can."

I shook my head , "You can't leave me Katherine, you can't-" I choked on my words, my throat closed up , i can feel the tears forming in my eyes.

Yes , tears, f*cking tears.

"It's okay." She said , "You'll be okay."

How can she be so calm while i am here losing my mind.

I bit the inside of my cheek to get a grip over my feelings, to stop the tears from falling, to stop myself from breaking.

"I don't.. I don't regret it." She suddenly said, hearing her vulnerable voice is tearing me apart instead of soothing my pain. "I don't regret meeting you, i don't regret working for you." She shook her head, "I don't regret marrying you."

I couldn't help it, and the first tear escaped. How can i handle this, how can i be strong knowing this is almost a goodbye.

"I don't regret loving you." She added, her hand lightly stroked my cheek.

"Don't do this to me." I said begging her, "Please Katherine , Don't.. Just D-don't leave me."

A tear escaped her eyes as well, she tried to smile through her tears , "I want to hear it one more time." She said , i furrowed my eyebrows not getting what she meant , "That you love me." She added , "Say it..one last time."

"No, no." I said as i shook my head, more tears fell from my eyes, "I will tell you , i will say it , , when this all end, i will."

I didn't believe it. I refuse to believe it. I can't.

The hardest part of saying a goodbye is preparing yourself for it. Every day for the last month was like this. Preparing ourselves, saying our last words, exchanging our last conversation, having our last kisses. Every day felt like a bullet going into my heart ripping me more.

But today. Now. This moment. It is like a bomb, and it exploded inside my chest, its shattered pieces went through every part of my body, of my brain, messed me even more, f*cked up my inside more. Imprinted itself into the depth of my memories.

I know i won't be able to erase this moment from my mind. Nothing can take it away. It won't feel easier with time. The wounds this moment will leave , will stay opened, will leave permanent scars.

It hurts. It's painful.

"P-please.." Katherine's voice snapped me back , I shook my head , "I can't , no , i can't accept this , i will say it , i will , but..b-but not now-"

More tears fell from her eyes, more fell from mine, "When you're going to hold him in your arms, i am going to wrap my arms around you, I will pull the both of you closer to me, you're going to look at me with your amazing beautiful smile and then i will, then i will tell you how much you mean to me.. but not now.. i can't now."

I don't know if i am the one shaking or it's her. My voice didn't sound familiar to my own ears. It's weak, shaking , trembling, chocked with emotions , with this desperate pain.

"This can't feel like.. it can't.. it can't be a goodbye, Katherine, it can't."

She hiccuped a sob, her hand tried to wipe my tears away ,but that didn't work ,her touch didn't mend me as it used to, it just broke me more.

"I love you." She whispered. This phrase never felt more heartbreaking, never felt this painful. I didn't want to hear it.

She sniffled, she tried to smile again.

Stop. Stop. This smile is killing me.

"You're my jerk." She added. My hold over her tightened, my teeth digging into my bottom lip, i buried my face into the crock of her neck ,my other hand ran in her hair and grabbed it tight as i pulled her closer to me. "Only yours." I whispered beside her ear, my tears wetting her neck.

That's it.

That's how my life crumbled in front of my eyes.

When she said nothing, i lifted my head , i saw how her eyelids dropped down, how her body went numb in my embrace. "No." i whispered and shook my head. With my shaking hand i removed her hair away from her face, "No Katherine no." I sobbed , nothing in my life ever felt more painful.

When she didn't wake up this time, i pulled her closer toward my chest , i buried my face in her neck again. I took in her scent, for one last time.

That's it.

"I love you too." I said it because i knew i won't have the chance to say it again, I loathed my own words, "I love you too Katherine." My voice was so calm but from the inside i wanted to scream, to shout, to break everything in my way.

But i couldn't.

Numbness and coldness took over my inside.

I should've not let anyone in. I should've not loved her.

I hate love.

All the good parts weights nothing in front of this small moment. All the beautiful parts meant nothing as i saw life leaving her eyes even though she was still alive.

Love hurts. Love is painful.

Love is ugly.

And i hate it. I hate love.

*********

When we arrived to the hospital , they directly took her away from me. To where, i don't know.

What is going to happen now. I don't know.

What i am feeling. I don't know.

I don't think i am feeling at all. I feel empty. I feel cold. I feel nothing.

But when i saw a nurse coming toward me, i felt something. The look in his eyes told me something.

"Sir, we have to make the surgery now." He said , i swallowed hard , "You can't, her doctor is not here, he knows about her case, he knows what to do , you can't-"

"We can't wait more." He said interrupting me , "Your wife is in a critical condition and if we waited more , your child will be in danger too."

Stop. Stop. Just everyone stop telling me those words.

Stop.

The pain inside me , i convert it to anger, I don't want to feel it. I don't want to endure that pain.

"No , No ! Her doctor is going to come and he will do the surgery, he should do it." I said gritting my teeth.

"We can't , believe me sir, we can't waste mor-"

Within seconds, i pulled him from his collar angrily and pinned him to the near wall.

What i am doing ? I don't know.

Anger. Fury. Rage.

More anger, i need more anger, i need to stop the pain.

"I said we will wait for the doctor." I said stressing on each word. Maybe what i am saying is wrong, maybe waiting will result in losing the both of them.

But my mind , my f*cked up mind is not thinking straight.

Nothing is making sense. Nothing feels right.

I want it to end. I want it all to end. I want this stubborn wild organ beating in my chest to stop, i want its beats to cease.

A hand on my shoulder pulled me from whatever is happening inside my brain , "Ashton , leave him alone." My father said. When did he arrive.

Why he is here ? I don't want to talk with anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to see the pain in their eyes. It will make me feel the pain again.

I took in a deep breath and freed him from my deathly grip. "You can't wait a little bit ?" My father asked him, He shook his head , "We can't. We should start the surgery , our doctors are one of the best , they'll do all in their power to save the situation , we should start now and when her doctor arrive , he can continue."

"Okay then , let them start." He said.I gritted my teeth, Who gave him the right to take decisions that are mine.

The nurse nodded and went away. I turned around , "Ash-" He started , i directly raised my hand stopping him.

"Don't say anything." I said, my voice so cold and calm, "I don't want to talk."

With that i walked away. I sat there and waited.

What i was waiting for. I don't know.

Maybe waiting the death of one of them. Or maybe the both of them.

This time, i couldn't lie at myself, convince myself that there is light when all i am seeing is darkness.

Hope ?

There is no hope. She was right before. I should've not believed that there was hope, it was a lie, i was just lying at myself.

She was right. Hope hurts.

I am hurting.

Anger, i need anger. I can't feel this pain.

I placed my elbows over my knees and my head in my hands letting myself drown in the darkness of my chaos.

I heard footsteps nearing, but i didn't look up.

"Where is she ?" Alex said once he stepped closer, i can say he is worried just from his tone.

"Is she okay ?" It was Cara the one who asked this time.

I kept my head down. I don't want to see them. I don't want to talk with them.

"They will do the surgery now." My dad said on my behalf.

I felt a hand over my shoulder, "Ashton." Alex said.

Can't they just leave me alone ?

"Asht-" He started again , i lifted my head and removed his hand away from my shoulder. "Look , it-"

"I don't want to talk." I said interrupting him.

"But-"

"Just f*cking leave me alone." I snapped and stood up. I can't stay and see them break too. I can't stay and hear them say it's okay. They know nothing, they don't know how it felt when she passed out in my arms , how that felt knowing she may never wake up again.

So with that i walked away from them. I need to be alone.

I was too engrossed in my thoughts , i was blinded with the anger coursing in my veins that i almost collided with a female nurse walking in the opposite direction.

Thanks god i noticed her before it was late since she was holding a small baby in her arms.

A lump rose in my throat as my eyes looked at the small little girl she is holding securely between her arms. My heart started beating fast again as i felt myself unable to avert my gaze away.

She is so small. So fragile. That even though i don't know her, i feel this urge to protect her. It feels like a touch would break her.

The nurse walked away but my eyes stayed looking at the baby in her arms. She walked past me , i turned my head and kept looking, i couldn't avert my gaze from that little angel, her pinkish white skin, her small lips , small nose, little tiny hands. She is so precious.

My heart constricted in my chest. My lungs contracted painfully. A heartbreaking realization downed into me; If Katherine made it, then i am going to lose my son. I never actually thought of the pain of losing him.

Maybe i was too afraid to even think about it.

I want him too. I want to hold him in my arms, i want to see him grow in front of my eyes, to hear his first words, to see him taking his first steps, to protect him from this world. To give him a childhood i wished to have.

Becoming a father. I want that. I want the word dad coming out of his mouth.

I think it is just too much to ask for. I think after all , i don't deserve it, i don't deserve to be happy.

Maybe that's the sh*t they call Karma.

I took a life once. So a life should be taken away from me.

He was someone's son, someone's brother, someone's.. love.

And they suffered his loss because of me, of my reckless actions. So maybe now it is the time to pay. To handle the consequences. To suffer from the same loss. The loss of my son, or my..love , or maybe both.

I shook my head hoping maybe that will kick that harsh reality away, but it didn't.

My eyes traveled to the room the nurse walked into, and for unknown reason i felt myself walking toward it too. I stopped when i reached the door, it was opened. You can clearly see what's inside.

The first thing i saw was the woman sitting on the hospital bed, a man beside her , the small little girl i saw before is now in her mother's arms. She was staring at her adoringly , as if she is the most important thing in this world.

"Okay, Daniel look here." Someone said from the other side of the room, i turned my head to see a man holding a camera looking at the mother and the father. There were also few people beside him too.

"Okay , i will start it now." The man holding the camera said, "So , Daniel , How does it feel to be a father ?" He asked.

The father, whose i think his name is Daniel cleared his throat , "Well, apart from the fact that i feel i am spending all my money-" He started with a shrug , some of the people in the room chuckled, "And i feel a bit dizzy and about to faint any moment an-" , His wife slightly hit his arm shutting him, he chuckled , his eyes went back to the small baby in his wife's arms, his hand stroked her short black hair, "It's the most beautiful feeling you would ever experience."

The look in his eyes as he looked at that small angel , the way he said those words proved that he really meant it. It probably feels great. I can see it in his eyes.

"I mean, come on , this beautiful princess is mine, what else i would ask for." He added with a smile as he kept looking at his daughter. I don't know why a smile made its way to my lips as well.

"Hey what about me ?" His wife asked , faking glaring at him, "Who are you ? Remind me again." He said furrowing his eyebrows, she kept on glaring at him , he then smiled and leaned forward  , "I have two princesses now." He said making her smile as well.

"Okay no PDA , no PDA !" The man holding the camera said, everyone in the room laughed and they all gathered around the mother and the father looking at the new family member.

I took in a breath and turned my body and walked away. My heart ached.

I am jealous. Yes , i am. I wish my life can be that simple.

It was never simple, never normal. From the moment we met, we didn't date like normal people, we didn't have a happy wedding , a normal honeymoon. She hided the fact that she was pregnant from me, I obliged her into this marriage. I said things I didn't mean , she said things she didn't mean too.We always just hurt each others. We both went through hell, and this hell burnt us. And Now, it is burning me.

I went out of the hospital because staying inside is just suffocating me. I took the cigarette packet from my pocket. I don't smoke very often. Just when sh*t gets real , when emotions suffocate my inside, i need a release.

When i pulled a cigarette out, my mind took me back to when Katherine first discovered i was smoking, how she snapped at me for being reckless like this, saying it would kill me.

I wish it is that simple. I wish it would kill me.

I remembered how i told her to stop acting like she cares.

"No you don't , no one do.. why would you care anyway ?!"

"Of course i do, dammit, because i love you."

I remember how she said those words for the very first time, the feelings i got upon hearing them coming out of her mouth, knowing that for sure she loved me too was indescribable.

She loved me even when I didn't love myself.

Why did she love me anyway ? I don't understand.

What does she see in me.

I think that won't matter anymore. When she is going to leave , that won't matter.

I felt the pain again. The way her eyes closed when i was holding her flashed behind my eyes.

I threw the cigarette packet away angrily. I ran my hand in my hair frustrated. Don't think about it, Don't feel the pain.

I turned around ready to walk but stopped when i saw Alex there. His arms crossed over his chest as he was glaring at me.

"Leave me alone." I said and walked past him.

"No." He simply said and followed me. I let out a sigh. Ignore him, Just ignore him.

"So what now, you just gonna act like a p*ssy and run away from everyone as if that would change the reality or something ?!" He said mockingly. At his words , i stopped walking and turned around to face him, i clenched my jaw , "Yes , Can you leave me alone now ?"

"No." He just said.

"We are all hurting Ashton ,so suck it up and come inside , running won't suddenly change everything." He said, " You can't lose hope yet, nothing is over."

"It is." I said. "It is over."

"You don't understand, you don't ! I know you all care about her but it's different for me , no one knows how f*cking painful it is for me." I added. Why i am bothering myself with him anyway. Maybe i want to let it out. Maybe the pain would escape along with the words too.

"She is my everything." I said. I shook my head. The pain is increasing, it is not going away.

"It is f*cking painful because i know by the end of this , i am going to lose one of the most two important people in my life."

"There is no hope because whatever the end of this is , it won't be good. If Katherine made it , then she won't forgive me for knowing the decision i had to take. And if he made it , then , i would lose her."

"What if they both made it." Alex said , his voice low and uncertain.

I let out a humorless chuckle. "That's my life we're talking about here." I shook my head , "That won't happen, i am sure, i can feel it."

He kept silent. He looked away. He knows i am right.

"Goddammit." Alex said before he suddenly inched closer and hugged me.

Yeah. He hugged me. As weird as that sound but he did.

His action startled me. And suddenly he pulled away.

"You always have to make me hug you , don't you ?" He said glaring at me , i furrowed my eyebrows. What is wrong with him ?

"Why can't i have normal friends." He said with a sigh and started walking away.

I don't understand him. Actually i never did.

I shook my head and went back inside. There was one thing he was right about, running away won't change reality.

As i was making my way inside i saw Katherine's doctor entering as well. My heart raced in my chest, he was able to come. They started the surgery not so long ago. Should i have hope ? Small little hope ? Or that would hurt too ?

He saw me as well , "I will do my best." He directly said. I nodded.

I hope that best is enough.

"You're still on your decision." He asked.

Because you know how much it would hurt me if you didn't choose him.

"Yes." I said trying my best to ignore her voice that rang in my ears, "Save my wife doctor, save her."

I am sorry Katherine. But i have to. I have to hurt you one more time.

The doctor directly went away and i walked toward the operation room too.

All i have to do is wait.

Just wait.

An hour passed and i am still waiting.

I am going crazy. That's for sure.

How many hours i should wait more.

Time never felt so slow.

All of them are waiting too. But I didn't dare to look at them. See Cara breaking in Alex's embrace. See the guilty pained look in my father's eyes.

He did his best so he could help me save Katherine. So he would show me he can give me what i need , that he can be a father , even after all these years. But now , he thinks he failed that too.

It is not his fault after all. I don't actually blame him anymore. My present is way more messed up than my past, and i am way too busy with what's happening nowadays for me to care.

When suddenly a nurse went out of the operation room , I directly stood up. He walked toward us.

"She is losing a lot of blood." He started , I swallowed hard , "And she is an O negative , it's hard to find blood samples for that type. We need a donor. Do you know anyone with O negative blood group ?"

Before i even had time to think about it. Someone decided to show up.

"I am O negative too." His voice alone made my body stiffen.

I turned around to see Caleb standing few inches away. My jaw tightened. I didn't have time to even process how in hell he knows we are here.

"Okay great , come with me." The nurse directly said. But Caleb didn't move as he kept looking at me, as if...as if waiting for my permission ?

What ?

But i don't care about anything now. I don't care who he is or what he had done. I just care about Katherine. And he can help.

I nodded my head. He took that as a yes and walked with the nurse.

Who knew it would come to this one day ?!

****

Another hour passed and i am losing my patience, my mind, my everything.

What is happening inside ?

Why it is taking so long.

I can't take this anymore. This is too much. I need someone to say something. To tell me what's going on.

I started pacing around, anxiety taking me over again.

The door opened. My heartbeats fastened.

Many nurses went out and rushed away. I furrowed my eyebrows , fear coursed in my veins. Some doctors name was called in the hospital, it asked him to come to the operation theatre immediately.

"Tell him to come now , it is urgent." One of the nurses told the girl sitting on the desk with a panicked tone.

What's happening ?

Oh god, what the hell is happening?

I stopped one of them ,i recognized him as the one i saw when I first came here , "What's wrong ?" I directly asked.

He looked somehow afraid, he didn't answer , he walked away but i stopped him again.

"I am talking with you !" I snapped, "What the f*ck is happening?"

"Sir your .. your child is okay , but-" he started but someone called his name. He left me hanging there , "I have to go."

No. No , please no.

The operation room's door was still opened with people rushing in and out.

I stopped thinking. I just felt my legs taking me there.

I entered , someone told me to get out. I didn't listen. I stopped listening.

Someone tried to push me out of the room , but I didn't give up.

Everything after happened in slow motion. I didn't understand. I couldn't.

The first thing i saw was the doctors gathered around the bed.

I didn't see her.

The Second thing i saw was the nurse. Walking toward my direction.

She passed beside me, holding him in her arms.

She just walked straight past me.

While i stood frozen in my place. I didn't see him. No, I didn't look. I couldn't.

How could i ?

How could i when i heard the words that came out of the doctor's mouth.

I wasn't meant to hear them. And I wish I didn't.

He was telling the other doctor, his tone alone panicked.

No.

God please, no.

Words never felt so painful, never felt so heart wrenching.

The room felt so small. I felt everything spinning around.

I wanted to scream maybe. But I couldn't find my voice. I lost it, like i lost my mind.

I stopped thinking. I stopped breathing.

Everything in me shut down.

In the moment i wished if i was deaf. I wouldn't then had to hear those words. I wouldn't had to feel my inside breaking, pieces by piece. My heart being torn apart by the hands of the only person i loved.

She doesn't regret it. But i do.

I regret it. I regret meeting her.

I regret loving her.

Because if that didn't happen , I wouldn't be here standing, enduring the pain of her loss.

I don't know which pain was worst , the shock of what's happening or the ache for what never will.

I knew somewhere on the way i would lose her. The monsters in my head knew that. They were right.

"Her heart stopped beating !." Was what he said.

I think mine stopped too.

**********************************

I will hit the publish button and run away😂 FREAK OUT IN THE COMMENTS LOL.

( I BELIEVE THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HAPPY ENDINGS... )

Who knows how to complete that sentence? 🤔

One more chapter and epilogue to go.

Bye till next time😂❤️