Before reading this, i decided to give you a little heads up. I wrote this poem about my dad with whom i've lost contact. Though the pain is slowly fading over the years, this was written a year ago when i was more hurt than ever. That is why this poem sounds aggressive and cruel, because i was bringing out all of those wounds and facing those emotions while writing. Enjoy.

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Nobody seems to understand being afraid
of losing something you've already lost,
or needing something you never had,
Then hating something you really love.

I keep your name carved on my lungs, 
And i feel it with each heavy breath it takes
To stay alive.

I hold you close to my soul.
But don't take it the wrong way
I'll still tear you apart mercilessly, 
if you dare to come near me.

But i remember my father very differently. 

I remember the broken eyes 
That taught me to forgive so easily. 
Those shaky words were my bitter love poems,
And cruel vows were unkept promises.

My heart is stuck on those same words, 
that twist my gut in knots
only you know how to untie.

I hate you In my own ways. 
But, from the deepest bottoms of my loud heart,
And all the halls of my screwed up mind, 
a bit of me always hated you.

It haunts me every night,
when love and hate melt together
 to create a feeling of nostalgia.

i can't explain the way it happens,
happiness just melts into sadness,
And death is sweet compared to
a life of wondering
if you ever dared to care 
about your own daughter.

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