(n.) a heartbreaking feeling that leaves
long-lasting traces, visible in gestures
and facial expressions

LOUIS WAS JUST ABOUT READY TO COLLAPSE INTO HIMSELF BEFORE HE HEARD A VOICE OF A MUSICAL QUALITY.     No, scratch that. He heard two voices. One belonged to his mother, that recognizable music box softness that could lull just about anyone to sleep. The other one was new to him; it complemented his mother's, a somewhat low timbre that sometimes varied in pitch whenever they spoke.

     It had been a month and Louis could still feel himself begin to sway on the stairs, all those sleepless nights from before continuing to settle in his already weary bones. He had felt the world cave that night. Everything was coming down and crushing him all at once, making it hard for him to breathe, his lungs incapable of taking in any breath. Sleep had been lost on him, five months of a routine embedded into his arms and his heart and his nose, not entirely sure what to do with either now that the object of his affection for those five months was gone. The sophisticated odor that clung to his clothes from when he would nuzzle his nose into the back of Draco's neck as they napped on the couch in the library still lingered around his nostrils, a phantom of a scent still haunting him as he woke and slept.

    The first handful of nights were absolutely terrible. Louis had lain awake at night, his arm stretched out and thumbing the space beside him where Draco would be if he were there. He said he'd stop the third night, but here he had been, a week in and still thumbing at the damn cotton material whenever he found himself between his sheets. He thought about going back to bed to regain the hours the sandman had skimped out on, but his mother must've caught hold of him because the conversation that had been going on in the kitchen quietened and then there was a question. "Louis, sweetheart? Are you there?"

    His grip on the stairway railing tightened as he began to feel himself sway once more, closing his eyes as he felt tears welling. He sank to the step he was standing on and caved in on himself, wrapping his arms around his shins and pulling them up before finally beginning to cry, surprised that he had any tears left considering that he had spent them all on the night before. He wanted to stop himself from doing so, but with the way his chest was constricting, choking him, he couldn't.

     "Louis," his mother called for him again, "darling, are you there?"

    Louis couldn't answer—he refused to. Several words were stuck to his throat, unable to create themselves and form a dialect that could reach his mother's ears. So he wept silently, a star caving in on itself and imploding. It hurt him, it hurt all over. Memories flashed before his very eyes every time he closed them, glimpses of the sweetest moments that slowly dissipated, slipping between his fingers as the days went on. It was as though he had gotten stuck to the stairs, unable to move. Louis's mother ceased her calling, not in defeat but in realization that he didn't want to be bothered. She had seen how he looked that night—under eyes sunken in, the whites of his eyes bloodshot, and seeing a visible weight bear down on his shoulders as he stumbled through the door after leaving school.

    His mother had tried to get him to talk about what happened, but he had essentially gone mute and numb to the bone. She had taken his silence in stride, cradling his head to her heart as he cried, wracking full body sobs before eventually reaching his room and falling asleep. His sleep was of the dreamless kind—black, dark, a swallowed-whole sort of nothingness—and Louis wasn't sure if it was better than having nightmares; because with nightmares, at least he could envision something, and have enough brain power to form pictures within his unconscious psyche.

    Louis got up from the staircase, ready to head back up the flight of stairs when Pluto came up the steps, envelope in between his teeth and heading for him. He dropped the envelope at Louis's feet before scampering back down the stairs, tail wagging in glee as he went to go eat. Louis could see the wax seal from where he was standing, that Malfoy embellishment he's seen time and time again. If he had to be honest, he wasn't expecting any sort of contact from Draco at all, figuring that he was now swept up in his new duties as a junior Death Eater that he would have eventually fallen to the wayside. And with the way things had ended between them, Louis wouldn't have expected anything else.

    So to see a letter addressed to him, with that same Malfoy family crest wax seal came to him as more than a surprise. Absent-mindedly, he walked back into his room and closed his door behind him. Slowly, Louis peeled the wax crest away and opened the envelope, his fingers trembling as he did so. he realized in passing that the size of the envelope was a smidge bigger than the one he had been given on christmas, so he knew that it would be longer than a simple note. Which only made the pit in his stomach open a little wider and descend a little deeper. Pulling the letter out, Louis unfolded it to find two separate sheets of parchment scrawled front and back. and with that, he began to read.

Louis,

    Firstly, I hope this finds you well.

(Louis' heart was already wrenching at the formality.)

     If it ever finds you at all. If it does, I hope you take the time to read this. if it doesn't, I wouldn't be surprised if it was sitting at the bottom of your rubbish bin right now. I deserve it. and I know I should've told you about my being a death eater sooner but i didn't want to ruin what we had. I've been happy a number of times in my life but I must say that for the past five months, being with you made me the happiest.

     I remember asking you once what heartbreak felt like and you had this look on your face, probably wondering why I was asking such a thing. I said that I wanted to be prepared just in case it were to ever happen. you never answered because you were hopeful—always hopeful. Instead, you told me not to worry about it.

    How I wish I hadn't asked.

    Now you're wondering why I'm recounting all of this and I'm doing it for the reason that it's been a whole month since I saw you last and I feel like my heart is breaking in a very specific pattern, like it's crumbling differently than usual. There's this weird pain in my chest I get whenever I catch myself thinking of you (and it happens more than I care to admit) and it hurts, oh god, it hurts.

    I haven't been sleeping much, as it's gotten harder to do. Sleeping in the hooded sweatshirt you let me borrow (that I haven't given back since Christmas—sorry about that) has kept me some sort of sane but it's only a matter of time before it stops smelling like you so I wear it on and off, every other night when I go to bed. You've ruined me, you know that? I've gotten so used to tucking myself into your side that it's practically become routine, so for me to have to get used to a new one really stings.

    And I know I can't fully shift the blame onto you, you were just the catalyst and I was the destructor of my own happiness. Plain and simple. I had a feeling that it was all too good to be true, that you were too good to be true and it was only for the reason that I had been harboring this secret for so long before it eventually blew up in my face and brought you down with it. I'm sure the chances of us still being together at this point in time would still be slim even if i did tell you sooner. We were, dare I say, star-crossed. Doomed from the very beginning.

    I miss you, and it didn't take me very long to realize it. I started missing you the second I left you  standing there by yourself on the roof of the astronomy tower. It was the first time you and I left the astronomy tower without being by each other's side and I think that moment may haunt me forever.

    I love you. Let me know when the pain subsides. If it ever does.

Sincerely,
    Draco, yours always and forevermore

    The last few parts started getting blurry due to Louis starting to tear up near the end as the wind got knocked out of his lungs and his heart got caught in his throat once more. Louis collapsed onto his bed in a heap, feeling his chest constrict as he struggled to find air to breathe. Part of him was angry for two reasons: one, because he was already crumpled at the mention of the platinum-haired boy that had broken his heart merely a month ago and two, he missed him. Even with everything he'd told him that night on top of the Astronomy Tower, he missed him. He missed him a lot. It was an intriguing sort of ache, one where he felt so close yet so far away. So Louis did the next best thing.

Draco stood at the window in his room, watching the sun go down and wearing that oh-so familiar hoodie. It had been approximately three hours since his owl had sent that letter and he wasn't sure if he was getting his hopes up by thinking that Louis would reply the same day. Maybe Draco was stretching a little too far with that hope, however it didn't hurt to try. He continued tugging at the drawstrings that were strewn through the hood when he heard the swoosh of an envelope being pushed through the crack underneath his bedroom door. He kept his place for a moment, feeling his heart spike in anticipation. His breathing hardened and his palms began to clam up before he turned and went to fetch the envelope off the floor.

    He opened it as delicately as he could with the little patience he had and removed the letter from its encasing. With a single intake of breath, he began to read.

Draco,

(He tried not to wince at the shortness of an introduction.)

    So I remembered you wanted to know what heartbreak felt like, even though at the time I didn't know why you wanted to know. Now I do.

     Firstly, heartbreak is terrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone—not the kind you infected me with, at least. It's suffocation as the oxygen is knocked out of your lungs, leaving you dead for a few moments before you eventually start breathing again. Eventually. It's the false hope that it'll stop raining before it suddenly comes down pouring, jinxing you.

    It's. . .it's your hand slipping in between my ribcage as I find myself hoping—always hoping—that you'd light a fire under it once more only to have you put it out time and time again.

    It's realizing how cold it can get when you stop holding someone. I never realized how cold it could get once I stopped holding you. Sleeping is even worse. It's been tough patting around the bed and then crashing headfirst into the fact that you're not there. You've ruined me, too. You know that?

    Heartbreak is having to eventually accept the fact that you're going to be gone for a while before I find you again. But I'll always know where to find you. That, I can promise.

    It's you allowing yourself to be happy for the first time in a long time, knowing that you were probably going to be crushed sooner or later from the immense pressure you were carrying.

    It's me falling in love with you, not knowing what I would be getting myself into and letting myself fall, anyway. And despite everything that's happened afterward, I wouldn't take any of it back because I did love you. I still do. It's complicated. I know I shouldn't at this point in time but maybe that's just the hopeless romantic in me waiting—wanting—to see you again.

    You've done a number on me. You've done multiple numbers on me, in fact. And the really shitty thing is that I wouldn't have asked anyone else to do it. Only you would be able to do that.

    Only you.

Yours always,
— Louis

AUTHOR❜S NOTE
welcome back !

it's been a long time since i updated this and i think it's mainly because i didn't want to face the angst that was a long time coming but i've been thinking about them for a while, actually so i decided to open up their doc and now here we are ! i've been going back and forth with this chapter for a bit and i think i can finally say i'm happy with the outcome

i had originally intended for the letters to show up later but i feel like this part might be a bit of a fast burn—they are teenage stars, you know; they're gonna burn bright and fast. and with a war going on, no time like the present, right ?

n.e. way, tell me what you thought ! what you liked, anything confusing i can help clear up, what made you put your phone down so you could process what you read, all of it ! i love seeing and reading each and every one of your comments !
they mean a lot to me <3