Good morning all😊😁😄

In my ugliness

Prologue

Kilahi danced and twirled around the wedding venue in her white gown while holding on to the ruffles in her gown. The weight was something else, what about the itch feeling she was getting from it, she couldn't just wait to go back home and do the needful.

The funny thing about the whole incidence was, she could literally picture herself dance in slow motion, it felt as though she was in a music video and she was the hired video vixen.

And she looked beautiful too... Why is she beautiful?

Kilahi raised her brow in doubt, something was definitely fishy ... Why will she be beautiful and dancing in slow motion?????

Crap!

It's a dream, it has to be a dream! She hissed out loud as she opened her eyes to find herself in bed.  Then her eyes fell on her cousin's sticker pasted on the wall. "Don't be scared to dream, all things are possible"

She hissed again now staring at her cousin, Sewuese who was sleeping soundly with an earpod stuck in her ears.

Saturdays are for weddings and this Saturday was another Nigerian wedding in one typical Nigerian family setting. Kilahi got out of the bathroom with a purple gown on, the material was made of organza, personally, she didn't like it especially when she'll be putting on another shade of purple since they ran out of materials for her. Durojaiye already picked her as one of the bridesmaids for the bridal train.

She rolled her eyes. Too bad she's going to be the only wreck in the train! If only she can bypass the whole process!

Right on the bed, her cousin Sewuese was busy with her make up. She had the same purple gown but it was a different shade, it was lighter than hers. The style of the gown was the same but she didn't understand why it had to fit her more.

It's becoming a cause for worry. Nothing ever fits her!

"How long will you keep on dressing in the bathroom? I'm your cousin and we've been living together for like.... what? 16 years?" Sewuese complained dropping a small mirror and powder brush on the bed. Kilahi rolled her eyes. "You know how I feel undressing in front of people"

"I'm your cousin! We're related by blood and I'm not a man"

"Forgive me if I don't want your friends bumping in and making hurtful comments about my body and scars." "That was eight years ago"

"The wounds are still fresh"

"Your scars are healed"

"The one in my heart is still very much fresh."

"Wow... So what's the moral lesson in this story? Hold grudges and never forgive people as the good Christian that you are" Sewuese ranted sarcastically while Kilahi rolled her eyes, "Yes. I mean no. Toh, in this life ehn, we should be careful of the things we say to people since we dont know how well they'll react to the comment, we should never use words like, why are you so slim? Babe, you're emaciating, are you not eating?, or are you bulimic or sick? Should i recommended blood tonic for you? Like how far? How is it their business? Cause no matter how long it takes, even eight years those words still hurt and they have formed a basis for my insecurity!" She groaned at the thought of it.

It was almost as if she could hear them talking to her!

"Well...... this thing happen eight years ago and Ada didn't mean it"

"Abegi! Speak for yourself!"

Kilahi walked towards the mirror on the wall and she stared into it. "What am I going to do to my face? Come and make me up now, apply foundation and powder" "And lashes" "Argh! The last time I tried that rubbish, I cried for a week, just foundation my face jhoor"

"Babe, you'll end up cleaning it, why should I waste my time doing your make up?" "Because the make up always look better on you. On my face it's a whole ball game" she picked up a red lip stick then she applied it on her lip.

She blended the lipstick and glanced at Sewuese who also had the same red lipstick on. "Is this not the same lipstick you used?" "Yes?" "Why does it look different on me?"

"Are you jealous of me?"

"I believe envious is the word"

"Should I be scared?"

"Dont worry, I love you too much to kill you" Kilahi smiled now pursing her red lips, "The lipstick looks odd on me, it's like I'm staring at Ojuju Calabar and I'm not even from Calabar, I'm a pure Igede girl looking like one of those sacrifices you keep at T junctions, the ones will lots of palm oil in it"

Sewuese shut her eyes in awe, she didn't even know what response to give, the words were still going through booting process. Suddenly she started blinking, the words were coming to her.....

"Have you read Slim Hope? I think you should, it will change your perception about life and your stature and looks" "I have, good story but at least, Dara was pretty" "She was slim in stature and had a slim hope of getting married or achieving stuff, at the end she did!"

"Well, I'm ugly, slim and have no hope, I'm not even raising the hope" she snapped leaving her cousin speechless.

This girl! She exhaled hissing within. It's only Jehovah overdo that can save this one from herself! What will she even say to her now? Somebody's child will be turning her into a motivational speaker! Upon all the motivational videos she has been forwarding to her on whatsapp!

Waste of data!

When Kilahi was ten, her parents died in a car accident which she survived. She has been living with her Aunt and the husband. Sixteen years down the line and Sewuese finds herself turning into a bonafide motivational speaker.

She carefully watched Kilahi wipe the lipstick off her lips with a tissue. "I'll just apply lipgloss and leave"

"Nothing is impossible"

Kilahi glanced at her cousin's popular sticker, "Are you sure you're not going to take that sticker away from there? I keep having...." She trailed off, "Impossible dreams and it's all thanks to your sticker"

Sewuese busted out laughing, "Wow... Way to go Kilahi, blame my sticker for your dreams. At least they weren't bad dreams" she paused curious about what the dream was all about then she picked up from where she stopped, "What did you dream about?"

Kilahi hesitated, she has never been the kind to share her dreams or passion with anyone, she obviously regarded them as insignificant, I mean who will want to waste their time listening to her?

"Well.... It's nothing important but I'm telling you in advance incase you wake one day and find out that your glorious sticker is missing. I definitely won't be blamed for it. Just know it has gone to a good place" she glanced at the waste bin by the door then she flashed a wicked smile, placing her palm on her chest and Sewuese laughed then the thought occurred to her to probably chip in one or two encouraging words as per motivational speaker now!

Hopefully Kilahi will not kill the words or leave her speechless with her abrupt responses! Mtchew!!!

Kilahi ehn! She can be as sturbborn as a mule! Her insecurity and low self esteem has clouded her judgement about life and the possibility of having a good life. Where will she even start from sef?

"Killi..."

Eighteen years old Sefa walked into the room with a smirk, she shut the door, and folded her hands staring at the two ladies, Kilahi took note of the mischievous look on her face, what evil is this one planning now? She asked within then she rolled her eyes.

"Good morning Aunty Sewuese, Aunty Kilahi"

"Good morning love" Sewuese replied flashing a bright smile, "Mom asked me to inform you to get ready for the wedding. Dad is in the living room watching news but don't be deceived, he has already taken his bathe, he might be ready before two minutes. You know how he can be shebi?"

Kilahi laughed, recalling how Sewuese forgot a pair of her shoes the previous Sunday while trying to catch up with her father's car that had already gone halfway across the street.

"Daddy should not even pull that stunt today abeg! I don't have the power for any relay race this morning. I'll just find my way, i don't want stress abeg!" Sewuese waved her hands squeezing her face then she hissed, picking up a powder brush and began spreading it on her face again.

Sefa embraced her, "OMG big sis, you look beautiful" "Thank you love" she carefully dropped the brush along with her make up kits on the bed. "What about me?" Kilahi inquired, earnestly anticipating a response; good or bad. "Hmmmm... You try sha"

"Sefa, Haba!" Sewuese rose up in anger ready to pounce on her sister.

Why did I even bother? Kilahi rolled her eyes again. "I'm not keen on going to this wedding? The universe is just telling me not to go. Why do you guys hate me this much?"

Sewuese rose up, now giving her a stern look, "Do you think Durojaiye will be happy knowing you bailed?" "I'll tell her something came up?" "Like what, your insecurity issue?"

"It's not an issue"

Sewuese widened her eyes, "Ahhhhh, humour me" "The gown doesn't look good on me" "Nothing looks good on you actually" Sefa snapped laughing as though the rubbish that spat out was pleasing to the ears.

"Will you shut up!" They both yelled and she gently walked backwards, "I guess this is my cue to leave" "Ya think? Better leave before I forget my palm on your face" Sewuese threatened and Sefa ran out of the room, she won't want to go to the wedding with red cheeks.

Sewuese moved close to her, she was concerned, "I thought you already dealt with this inseurity issue?" "The Holy spirit is helping me" "Are you sure you don't need a therapist" "Why will i need a therapist when i have the Holy spirit. I have the Holy Trinity in me."

Sewuese widened her eyes again, this girl will never cease to amaze her. "Greater is He that is in me than all the therapist in the world" "I think your insecurity is greater than he that is in you" "Ouch on behalf of me and the Holy Trinity! That's blasphemy cousin" "God, I'm sorry for my rude remark, I'm really sorry but Killi baby, the truth is.... If there's God in you, you're supposed to present yourself as a God entity, poised and confident. I don't even know what's in you sef? Cause all I see when I look at you is someone who's going to commit sucide if the opportunity presents itself"

"Wow.... I'm glad you think so highly of me"

"Well, what can I say. You bring out the fire in me" she replied and Kilahi laughed nervously.

"This isn't funny Killi"

"Should I cry? Is that what you want? I cry everyday of my miserable life," "Miserable?" "The point is.... I've been crying but today that I've determined not to cry, you still want me to cry. Do you want it? I can cry if you want. You kukuma know say tears no dey far from my eyes"

Sewuese sighed tiredly, "Okay..... It's not a bad thing to have big dreams, I'm still dreaming of doing my masters abroad and I don't even have shimgbai! (Anything). Dreams will come into place at God's right time, all we need is a little faith to give the dream a tiny push. You're beautiful the way you are dear, anyone that says otherwise can go baptize themselves in gutter water for all I care." Sewuese placed her palm on Kilahi's face and she in turn chuckled, "I'll help them organise the baptism if need be"

"That's the spirit baby! You go girl, you can be a fighter. You can fight this, when Miss depression comes, you look at it in the eyes and say, no more!not again! You're better than this" Sewuese shook her by the arm like an earthquake.

Kilahi blushed and laughed, "Kai! This girl can give somebody hope sha, all those motivational videos are really paying off. Well.... whatever, let's sha do and go"

Aunty Mabel walked into the room dressed in yellow lace gown and a maroon gele. "Your father is ready oh" "So fast? I thought he was in the living room a while ago" "Well.... You know your father now. You guys should better get..."

The car horned and Kilahi laughed, that was the first warning; Uncle Geoffrey never horns more than ten times. After the tenth time, he eventually drives off with or without any passenger.

"Abeg make this driver rest, we dey come!" Aunty Mabel screamed forcing a laughter from the two ladies. "Aunty Mabel, you look..... beautiful , what's the secret?" Kilahi complimented watching her Aunt giggle. "Are you whinning me? I hate the color combo."

"You're still pretty"

"Well..... I have a driver that takes care of me and I want to leave the house maybe I can find another driver that I fancy..."

"Who knows, you might bring another husband home"

"Abi oh" Aunty Mabel smiled, "You don't look bad either" she commented walking out of the room.

The horn blared for the second time and Sewuese groaned in frustration. "Let me quickly put my lashes and rechargeable fan in my bag before..."

"At least remember to carry shoes this time" Kilahi chipped in leaving the room too and Suwese laughed evily, "Oh, that was so mean. Kilahi!" She rolled her eyes then she exhaled.

"She didn't even apply the lip gloss. Kilahi!"

The wedding party was a mega one, one of those copy cat parties in Lagos with choreographed entrance, five star party ambience, good music, good food. As usual, Kilahi was seated alone, Sewuese had left her in order to catch up with old friends. A few male friends of Durojaiye stopped to say hi but they didn't stay for more than two minutes.

They couldn't keep up conversations with her for two minutes. Almost like she was that boring! She resorted to staring at the couples picture on the wedding programme, can anything be more pathetic???

She sighed, now staring dreamingly at the picture. It was the definition of PICTURE PERFECT!
You know that moment when you're staring at pre-wedding pictures and you're already imagining how the children and grandchildren of the couples will look like? God knows they'll be so fine! They'll definitely carry their father's face! She was already playing 'God' in her mind.

When she felt uncomfortable and pathetic, she dropped the programme. She already read their toast 77 ×38 times already, not like it was going to change anytime soon! She took her phone from her hand bag and quickly logged into her Instagram account.

She felt like a big girl without beauty, but deep down ehn... she was weeping for her data! She replied some chats on Facebook but it didn't stop her from feeling pathetic about herself but Sewuese's words kept ringing in her head; just the encouragement she needed:

Dreams will come into place at God's right time, all we need is a little faith to give the dream a tiny push and they'll fall into place in no time. You're beautiful the way you are dear, anyone that says otherwise can go baptize themselves in gutter water for all I care.

Kilahi laughed out loud then she covered her lips, she has been warned against laughing out in public. People found it embarrassing, it doesn't even end there, they always end up making mockery and imitating it too.

"I'll prepare that gutter water and personally baptize them till they receive sense in Jesus name" she whispered blinking her tears in, "Today is not a good time to cry, just fiddle with your phone and pretend like everyone here doesn't exist. I don't matter to them and they don't matter to me shikina!"

Family and friends took time to take pictures with the bride while Kilahi sat afar off making mockery of the family friends who wore the 'yellow' asoebi and maroon colour gele (head gear). They looked like gold fishes! Mami water association! Aunty Mabel was not exempted.

She wondered what they were thinking when they decided to pick the color.

Okay fine, maybe 'bad belle' might be a strong force clouding her judgement that moment; a little spite here and there but some of the women actually looked good on their aso-ebi others looked out of place, flagging different shades of yellow.

Suddenly she felt a hand tap her, it was Sewuese. "Kilahi! Jaiye wants to take a picture with her bridesmaids. We're waiting for you." She said then she quickly disappeared into thin air. Kilahi's heart raced in fear, pictures? God, she hated pictures! Not like they were not her thing, she has never successfully taken a good picture.

Whenever she takes group picture, she always end up feeling as though she ruined it for everybody. It was that bad! She even took some YouTube course on how to take pictures.

She walked up to the group taking pictures and her heart rate didn't slow down. It felt as though it'll explode any minute! She watched Sewuese flawlessly posing while flashing different kinds of smile at the camera then she gestured to Kilahi to come quickly.

She blinked her eyes giving Kilahi the, 'Walk fast now!' look.

The moment Kilahi stood by the edge with the bridal train to take the picture, Kilahi noticed change in the countenance of one of the photographer's face after two snapshot. Nothing could remedy the look! Suddenly he walked up to Kilahi and whispered into her ears. "Madam, abeg, you dey spoil the picture for everyone. Just commot small, I go snap you your own alone as the special human being way you be"

Kilahi swallowed hard. She was taken by his word, it felt as though someone drove a sword into her chest. She was hurt really hurt but at the same time she felt like giving the man a hard slap on the face for such inhumane and insensitive sentence but she just had to respect herself.

The other photographers are not complaining!!! What's his own sef?

Tears welled up in her eyes but she blinked them back in, she couldn't afford to disgrace her family in front of everyone so she speedily walked away not turning back.

"Where's Kilahi? Let's take personal shots" Durojaiye requested and Sewuese looked around, "She was ....." She creased her brow in confusion, "She was here a while ago. Where did she go to now?"

Kilahi walked out of the estate where the wedding was held in tears, she had her shoe in her hands. She couldn't help thinking about what had just happened.

Special human way I be? How dare he? What audacity!!!! Does she look like an alien to him or one masquerade? For crying out loud, she wasn't wearing the red lipstick.

Assuming she wore the red lipstick, what would he have done? Silly photographer! "It's only my God that will punish that man!" She muttered as she groaned in anger. Why did she even agree to take the picture sef?

Stupid me! She thought grinding her teeth. Shebi the Sewuese that called you didn't even notice when you left, you stupidly decided to spoil people's picture!

She exhaled exhilaratingly, tears pouring down without control. No one ever speaks well of her social-wise. Why? She found herself asking then she waved her hands carelessly.

What does it matter what people say about me? She thought, "I mean all that matters is what God says about me" she said out loud now wiping her tears off her face then she sniffled.

Come to think of it sef? What is God saying about me? Can he be proud of me? Toh, I'm sure he's probably bowing his head in shame of my everyday depression! She thought to herself then she looked up to the heavens, "I'm ungrateful bah?" She asked out loud then it thundered and rained almost immediately.

"I'll take that as a yes then. I'm a disappointment to myself, to God and man." she replied as she sat on the floor. The thought of death crossed her mind just like it has several times. She was looking forward to a bus coming out from nowhere to hit her.

Na wa oh, so truck drivers are no longer driving drunk, she thought after a while. There's a customer waiting to die oh! If the cold can kill me sef, it will be better.

She heard a car horn from afar so she rose up watching it approach. The horn became consistent. Kilahi shut her eyes running off the road the car driver swerved to the other side of the road now stepping on his break.

"Mad people everywhere" he muttered glancing at her then he shook his head driving off.

She heard a voice making mockery of her in her head, 'Toh, I thought you wanted to die now'

She placed her hand on her chest in relief, "Thank God! Kilahi, you're so stupid! Of course I don't want to die yet! What was i thinking of?"

What do you think about it?

This story has been on my mind, it's part of what I've been going through during my service year and how I've been coping. Sometimes inspiration will pop in and there'll be no phone to use and I hate writing with pen and borrowing phones but lately I've been trying my best to bring my ego
down.

I'll continue choke point with the borrow borrow lifestyle but first let me know your view about this. I love you guys and I've been thinking of you all, it's kind of one of the reason for my depression.

What do you think about Kilahi and how do you think she can help herself? You advice might go a long way for those going through this.

Thank you!

Happy Easter!!!!