Title: Their Elemental Curse: Book 1 by MomoOnTheGogo
Source: Review request
Genre: Science fiction
Subgenre: Action/adventure, Dystopian
Mature: Y (blood, bullying, child abuse, death, discrimination, emotional abuse, genocide, gore, guns, kidnapping, loss of a loved one, murder, needles, physical abuse, politics, smoking, strong profanity, suicidal ideation, violence; mentions of cancer and child sexual abuse)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Complete
First impression: 32/40
Digging deeper: 63/100
Final thoughts: Complete

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

First impressions total: 32/40

Title: 10/10
Yes. Elements are fun, and I want to know about this curse. Great title.

Blurb/synopsis: 6/10
First up, some easy fixes: "social" should be "socially," "unhuman" should be "inhuman."

Be careful with tenses. The overall tense for this blurb is present tense, but you have a few past tense verbs that confuse things ("had" should be "has," "began" should be "begin," "brought" should be "brings"). Consistency is key here.

And acronyms. You introduce the United Nations (spelled out) and the US government (acronym). For consistency's sake, I'd recommend spelling both out at first mention, then using the acronyms for both after that.

Alright, now for the more complicated stuff. There are a lot of extra words here that muddle the meaning you want the reader to get. The one-sentence paragraphs aren't different enough in tone and idea to warrant being divided the way they are, and a lot of sentences have repetitive phrasing - repeating something in the second part of the sentence that you already said in the first part of the sentence. That can get boring to readers, and you're trying to hook them. Simplifying, cutting words, rearranging, and merging paragraphs will help give this a stronger hook. Merging all of those one-sentence paragraphs into one paragraph will lose some punch value, though, so I think you should still have a one-sentence paragraph to end the blurb, and maybe have another one between the two larger paragraphs.

So, getting more specific, I would start that first sentence with your MC's name. It's more important for your reader to focus on his name first, and then you can describe his shy and socially awkward personality after you've introduced him to us. "Despite" doesn't really fit here, since being shy and socially awkward doesn't relate to powers and experimentation. Also, here's the first example of repetitive phrasing, although it doesn't occur in the same sentence. You say he's part of "The Experimented," and then you immediately say that he's been experimented on at a young age, but the reader already knows that from you calling him "The Experimented." Putting the bit about him being experimented on at a young age first makes more sense, and then you can introduce the group name later when you introduce the other kids.

So, considering all that, here's a way you could rework this (but you have your own style, of course, so play around with it):

"Shimizu Hada is a shy, socially awkward boy who was experimented on at a young age, and he's not alone. Three of his schoolmates are among "The Experimented," too: [insert character intros after colon as is]. The powers that bring them together grant them each unique abilities, and their friendship grows stronger.

But then the United Nations and the United States government do the unthinkable, forcing [insert all four names] to question everything they thought they knew about society. A secret agency working with the UN has plans for them - and the rest of the world.

What could those plans be?"

Oh, and a content warning would be nice at the very bottom.

So, anyway, your content is all spot on here. You say just enough to get the reader's attention while still leaving plenty of mystery, and, although you could improve this, it already has a good hook to get the reader to hit that "start reading" button.

Cover: 10/10
Love it. The colors, shading, images, font choice/color/size/placement, everything is perfect, and this obviously goes great with a title about elements.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 6/10
Introduction: Ooh, interesting way to start the story. A newspaper article. I like it. Although I would put the newspaper name and date at the top of the intro (but keep the parenthesis at the bottom). There are still the same issues I pointed out in the blurb here - repetition, excessive words, occasional wrong verb tense. Also, I mentioned acronyms in the blurb, and here's another area you can be more consistent. You don't use periods within the acronyms in the blurb, but you do within the intro. Doing it the same way in both places will improve this just a touch more. But this intro definitely piques the reader's curiosity, which is exactly what you want it to do.

Chapter 1: Okay, so, same issues with repetition and excess words here, but the first thing I notice is the tense. The blurb and intro were in present tense, but this is in past tense. It makes sense for a newspaper article about a current problem to be in present tense, but you don't want to switch tenses like this too often, as it gets confusing. Again, consistency. If most of the book is in past tense, I think the blurb should be, too.

Next big thing is punctuation within dialogue. So, the rules for this vary depending on your English usage, but I'm pretty sure you're always supposed to have punctuation to end the quote. It should never be: "Here we go" I mumbled. In US English, it would be: "Here we go," I mumbled. Using an editing tool that's set to your English will help you find and fix these areas.

Time transitions are also an issue. There's a wider gap between paragraphs before the bit about him buying the book two days ago, and that makes me think we're going into a longer section about what happened that day, but it's only a couple paragraphs, and then we're back in the previous scene. It's just not enough to warrant its own section. Incorporating the info about a book he bought two days ago within the current scene should be easy enough. The next transition is three days later, and it's fine, except I would put in a more visible division than a longer gap between paragraphs. Even something as simple as a line of asterisks would do. (Which, as you can see, is what I do, since I don't have the fancy-shmancy section divider images that other people have).

The last issue is the single-sentence paragraphs. There are a lot of them. These have the potential to have great impact, but the more common they are, the less punch they pack. You could merge quite a few of these into larger paragraphs, just leaving one off by itself here or there for that attention-grabbing punch.

So, I know that's a lot, but let me reassure you that this is really good already. Shimizu is relatable, your descriptions are great, you drop more hints but hold on to the larger mystery, and, overall, this is a good first chapter. It piques the reader's curiosity and grabs their attention to keep them clicking that "next" button. A little clean-up would just smooth it out and make it even better.

*****

Digging deeper total: 63/100

Cover & title: 10/10
See above.

Blurb: 2/5
This is only because of the grammar mistakes I pointed out above. Without those, I'd put this as a 3, and you have all the content you need to push this to a 4 or 5. It just needs a little clean-up.

Grammar & voice: 4/20
5+ mistakes per chapter, enough to make it a bumpy read, not enough to detract from the story.

Plot & pacing: 7/10
This feels a bit rushed to me, but I think that has more to do with character development than it does the actual timeline. See below.

Characterization: 10/20
So, the characters all seem different when they're first introduced, but they sort of meld together as the story progresses. Shimizu is supposed to be shy and awkward, but that vanishes as soon as he agrees to sit with the other three kids. I have a really hard time getting a read on Beval. I think he's supposed to be confident and flirty? He's probably the character that needs the most work. Robin has that tough-girl persona going on, but it kind of softens around the edges as each chapter becomes more centered on all four kids instead of just one. Gaia is the sweet one, and I think her personality comes across the clearest. So, they're all four different personality sets, but the more they interact and spend time together, the more similar they become, until the only way to really tell them apart is by the name of the speaker.

Also, you have good descriptions of appearance and personality and environment, but these all come in big chunks that break the flow of the story. Incorporating those descriptions into the text via dialogue and character interaction will improve your character development, too, and keep each kid unique.

Writing each chapter from a different kid's POV is a good way to further develop your characters, but for it to really work, you need to include the thoughts and feelings of the kid whose POV we're reading. Internal dialogue, impressions - these are key here. You have these things in bits and pieces throughout, but I'd like to see more. Expand on what you already have, explore the characters more, and see what happens. I think that will take this to the next level.

Harmony within genre: 15/15
Yep, this is Sci Fi, and everything goes together - the story, the title, the cover, the blurb. I can see the beginnings of the plot conflict in that news bit in chapter 5, and the way you add a little more about the powers, the elements, just talking about them but not showing them right away, helps move the plot along and keep the reader curious.

Originality: 15/20
I think exploring your characters more will bump this number up. Right now, the four elements, strange eye colors indicating powers, mysterious government agencies performing illegal experiments on people, the descriptions of the kids' powers - it's all been done before. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Even the most boring cliché can be incredibly gripping if it's done well. You have the groundwork laid for a unique, compelling plot line filled with interesting characters. For example, the four international families converging on one point is new, at least to me. Again, I think exploring your characters is the way to really flesh this out and make it stand out from the rest.

*****

Final thoughts:
Shimizu, Robin, Gaia, and Beval have some problems. School, bullies, surging hormones changing the dynamics of friendship—you know, the usual teenage stuff. But most teenagers don't also face discrimination because they're experi-babies. That's the cute term these friends have come up with to describe the kids kidnapped in infancy, experimented on, and then returned to their families with superhuman powers. People have a tendency to freak out when they see someone light their hands on fire or generate water out of nothing. But these kids are used to the backlash, and although it bothers them, they can deal with it. Until the government starts arresting and imprisoning experi-babies in concentration camps to be exterminated in death chambers. That's a bit much. Add on betrayal by people they thought they could trust, having to watch other children around them die, being forced to make the choice to kill or be killed, knowing the fate of humanity depends on their actions—yeah, they have it harder than your average teenager. Get ready for a sweet friendship to be tested to the absolute limits and all the conspiracy theories to come true in this gritty start to the apocalypse. Never mind adulthood—will they all make it to 16? Only time will tell.