Title: The Longing Hearts: Tale of Subhadra and Arjun's Exile by Wanderlust_Lavanya
Series: Untitled trilogy (book two)
Source: ELGANZA, INC. | AWARDS by TheCieloCommunity
Category: Historical Fiction
Mature: N (animal death, bigamy, gore, murder, polyandry, religion, sexual harassment, violence, war)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Complete
Special note (judging): I had four books in this category, and the other judges (Karuar and Lunatic_Twilight) had four and three books, respectively.
Result: 78/100

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*****

Rubric:
- Title: 5
- Book cover: 5
- Description (blurb): 5
- Plot & storytelling: 15
- Character development: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar: 10
- Originality & creativity: 10
- Emotional impact: 10
- Pacing & structure: 5
- Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5
- Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10
Total: 100

*****

Total: 78/100

Title: 5/5
Getting some romance vibes here, which seems appropriate, since I've met these two characters in another story by another author. And I already know from that story the setting is ancient India.

Cover: 3/5
I like the top and bottom images, but I'm not crazy about the middle ones. Also, the title and subtitle both blend into the divider too much, and the subtitle is hard to read in the smaller image on the title page. Your name feels out of place, too, because it ruins the symmetry. I'm not entirely sure how to fix all that. Maybe eliminate the character images from the middle section and just use peacock feathers there, and then all the text can go in that middle box? And for the font style, size, and color, I think everything just needs to pop more. Right now, the first thing that draws my eyes on this cover is the eyes on the top and then bottom, and then it's kind of a muddle of trying to decipher the middle. I think the title should draw the eye first, then the subtitle, then the image, then your name.

Blurb: 4/5
Overall, this is a fantastic blurb, with no grammatical errors I can find. As I said, I've read a story based on the Mahabharata before, but I had a lot of trouble understanding it, and this blurb has already cleared so much up for me. However, the blurb preview space is very limited on the website and the app, so you need to use that space wisely. For that reason, I'd move the cover credit to the bottom of the blurb, and I'd probably say "This is a heartwrenching tale..." instead of repeating the full title there. Also, Google Docs is telling me "heartwrenching" should be two words or hyphenated.

Plot & storytelling: 5/15
The other Mahabharata story I read picked up after the 13 years of exile ended, so it was interesting to read this story, which takes place during that 13-year span. There are quite a few issues with coherency and consistency, though, and I think the main problem is the story chronology. It seems like the chapters are not in chronological order. There are also chapters that don't relate to the main plot at all, further complicating things with largely irrelevant material, and sometimes, the individual chapters feel like they're vignettes of individual events during those 13 years, not like they're part of a continuous story.

So, starting at the beginning, the prologue feels like a story summary, not a prologue. It gives a little background information explaining why the 13-year exile has to take place, but not nearly enough for someone unfamiliar with the Mahabharata, like me. I still don't understand why the game of dice took place, why that created this problem, and what the relationships or circumstances were prior to the exile. I had to pick most of it up by context throughout the story, and a lot of new information came to light that way, things I think should have been included in that background information within the prologue.

Anyway, the primary emphasis in the prologue is not on the background information, but on the feelings and struggles Arjun and Subhadra experience during those 13 years apart. It then wraps everything up with the end of the story when they reunite. So, it summarizes the entire story instead of introducing it.

Then, chapter one repeats most of the prologue. It actually feels more like a prologue than the actual prologue does, especially compared to chapter two, so I think you could just cut the prologue chapter entirely, and then rename the first chapter "Prologue." Any missing information from the original prologue should be fairly easy to incorporate into the new prologue.

There's more repetition in chapter two, so this is the third time reading almost the same thing, which gets boring. Another problem with chapter two is the timeline. It's only two months into the 13 years, but the 13 years get the emphasis. The way Arjun talks makes it sound like he'd already endured most of those 13 years.

Chapter three is really the first chapter without tedious repetition. Finally, there's new material, and the story gets moving. However, chapter four is completely in the present tense, whereas the rest of the story is in the past tense. From this point on, there are frequent slips into the present tense, often in the same paragraph, and that gets confusing.

The first major chronology or consistency issue comes with the second time Arjun and Subhadra find out she's pregnant with their second child. Yes, the second time. It happens three times. First, right before he leaves for exile, he puts his hand on his wife's stomach, implying they both know she's pregnant with their second child.

Second, in the chapter with the letters, he says he just found out she's pregnant with their second child. Further confusing matters is the chapter that came right before the letters. It stated many years of the exile had passed already. So, has Subhadra been pregnant for many years? Did she get pregnant by another man (this was actually my first thought)? Or have they managed to sneak a conjugal visit with each other?

The third time she finds out she's pregnant with their second child happens even later in the story, and it's when she tells her family. Again, the timeline is confusing, and she acts like she just found out. For the third time.

Going back to the first time, right before the exile, their son, Abhimanyu, was a baby. His little hand gripped his father's finger, and he slept in a crib, so I'm guessing he was one year old, two at the most. But when his sister is (finally) born, he's old enough and big enough to carry her around and say very mature statements about protecting her. Even though he's only two or three years old. He couldn't even carry a baby at that age, let alone formulate complete, complex sentences, and he certainly couldn't understand the concept of protecting his mother and his little sister.

Then there's the chapter about Abhimanyu and the girl whose father wants her to marry another man. In the previous chapter, Abhimanyu's sister is three years old, so if this is in chronological order, he's four or five here. Again, way too young for professions of love and involvement in this kind of situation. Anyway, to resolve the problem, his grandfather tells them the story of his parents' romance. Doesn't he know that already? They're famous, so even if nobody sat him down and told him all the details, he should have heard about it somewhere. This shouldn't be brand new information, and what's even stranger is that it's presented as if he has no relation to his parents at all, as if he doesn't even know them. The way the story is told, it actually sounds (to me) as if this is happening after Arjun or Subhadra die or are no longer around.

Whatever the case, everybody affirms the love he and that girl share, and everybody's happy with the decision. Except...when Arjun returns after completing the 13-year exile, he and Subhadra arrange a marriage for Abhimanyu with another girl, and there's no mention of the girl from before. It's also stated that Abhimanyu is a grown man, although he'd only be 14 or 15 years old. And then the marriage happens right away. I know cultural and historical customs sometimes allow girls to marry around that age, but I don't think it was ever that common for boys to marry that young. Usually, they had to reach maturity first.

I feel like the chapter with Abhimanyu and the first girl was supposed to be a different Abhimanyu, not Arjun and Subhadra's son, but without specifying that (or at least changing the boy's name), that's only a guess on my part. If that's the case, however, this is one of two chapters that have no relevance to the plot.

The second irrelevant chapter is the one about Draupadi and her sons. It adds nothing to the storyline, because there isn't even mention of Arjun or Subhadra. It's just an extra bit of unnecessary information. There's also a lot of repetitive language at the end of the chapter, so I feel like I'm reading the same paragraph multiple times with slight tweaking of the wording. That happens in the prologue, chapters one and two, and the epilogue, as well.

The chapter with Arjun's illness comes out of nowhere. When did he get injured? The last time we saw him, he was healthy and fine, and now, he's on his deathbed, and he's been that way long enough for Subhadra to hear about it. Anyway, she goes to see him, and she heals him, but then he continues to worsen, anyway. It sounded like he was just sick, but it said his wounds closed when she healed him, so I'm guessing this was a situation where he got injured in battle or something. But he keeps getting sicker, and she talks and acts as though there's nothing she can do for him, even though everybody knows she has the power to heal. When he's on the verge of death, she finally heals him again, and this time, she does it completely.

I feel like the healing was only a one-time thing, and the part after the first healing is explaining about how sick he was before she healed him, but the way this is written, it sounds like what I just explained. And the part about her not seeming to know about her own power, even though she does know, and so does everybody else, needs some clarification.

Moving on to the storytelling techniques, there are two flashbacks that I think could be done better. First, the "Flashback" and "Flashback Ends" headings are really awkward. With a long flashback, I would recommend using a simple section divider before and after the italicized text. That's a lot cleaner than using headings. But in this case, both flashbacks are extremely short, and I think it would be better to incorporate them into the narrative. For example, with the first one, you could say Arjun remembered the words she said to him and the pleading look in her eyes. That would create a much smoother flow to the narrative than cutting in and out of a flashback.

With the letters, I'd recommend italicizing them to distinguish them from the narrative. Yes, you have "Dear Arjun" and all that, which shows what these are right away, and yes, they have their own chapter, but there's a narrative sentence in between the letters, and it blends in with them. Usually, I like to reserve italics for thoughts, written documents like letters, dream sequences, flashbacks, that kind of thing. Those are rare enough that you don't end up italicizing half the story, and it's easy for a reader to tell at a glance the italicized content differs from the normal narrative somehow.

There are two author's notes that interrupt the narrative. The first is about the reincarnated daughter, and I don't remember what the second is, but I know it was shorter than the first interruption. In both cases, I'd recommend moving that to the bottom of the chapter instead of breaking up the story. Also, I'm not crazy about the combination of bold and italics. Bold font is hard for some people to read, so I think it's best to keep its use at a minimum, and combining it with italics feels like overkill to me.

Character development: 10/10
With this story having a mythological epic feel to it, all the characters are distant, unreal, unchanging entities. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I've never related to or connected with characters in Greek mythology or most religious stories, because that isn't the point of those stories. They're usually meant to teach some sort of lesson, not draw you into the mind and heart of a character.

So, the characters in this story really don't change. Arjun gets better with a bow and arrow, but his devotion to his family and determination to overcome every challenge remains the same from start to finish. Subhadra has the same characteristics—devotion, determination—and she doesn't change, either. But that's the point. They're separated for 13 years (minus one healing visit), but their love remains steadfast.

This category is called "Character Development," but in this case, I don't think "development" is the point of this story. The characters have depth to them, and the main characters are distinct from the others, although the side characters are largely interchangeable (like Arjun's brothers). I think that's all appropriate for this particular kind of story, hence the score.

As a side note, I think adding more characters to the characters chapter would be a good idea, because for people like me, I don't know who all these people are. Listing alternate names would be a nice touch, too. I was looking for context clues that could offer at least a hint as to why Arjun, in particular, has so many names (Arjun, Arya, Parth, Arjuna), but I never found anything to explain that. There are also two spellings for Subhadra (Subhdra) and Parthvi (Parthavi), and I don't know if that's intentional or a misspelling.

Writing style: 9/10
Overall, your writing is very clear, and you have a firm grasp of conveying the story using varied language. My critiques in this area are pretty minor, and they all involve dialogue.

First, with dialogue involving multiple speakers, I recommend keeping each person's dialogue separate. It wasn't too much of an issue in this story, but sometimes, having two people speak in the same paragraph can get confusing. Along those same lines, keeping one person's dialogue together is important, too. It looks and feels strange when one person speaks, and then there's a paragraph break, and then they speak again. Formatting conversations as A B A B, where A is one speaker and B is another, makes everything clear and understandable for the readers. When there's A B A A, it's easy to confuse the last A for B. So, when the speaker changes, starting a new paragraph keeps things simple. And along those lines, keep actions with their speakers.

There's a point in the story where you switched from using double quotation marks for dialogue to single quotation marks. I was wondering at first if the single quotation marks meant it wasn't normal dialogue, and I think that confusion may happen to others as well, so I'd recommend sticking with the double quotation marks throughout.

Grammar: 7/10
Overall, your grammar is pretty good. There are mistakes here or there, but I think most of them are just things you overlooked during proofreading. That being said, there are some mistakes that occur more frequently than others, so I just wanted to point them out.

I already mentioned the slips into present tense, so I won't elaborate on that. You occasionally miss spaces after punctuation marks like commas and periods, and rarely, between words, too. Sometimes, the ending punctuation mark for dialogue ends up on the outside of the closing quotation marks when it should be inside with the dialogue.

You usually use an ellipsis (...), but there are a few places where you use too few or too many periods. It's just three. Also, question marks can stand on their own. They don't need a period or exclamation mark following them. And lastly, there are occasional missing articles (a, an, the) before nouns.

Originality & creativity: 10/10
As I said, I'm not familiar with the Mahabharata, but there are quite a few differences in your storyline as opposed to the other Mahabharata story I've read, so either you or the other author are adding new material. Or both of you are. And I think it's both. The dialogue and descriptive details feel very original, and you have different takes on certain characters and events, too. This story feels like it's wholly your creation, because the confidence in your writing shines through.

Emotional impact: 10/10
This is tricky. Usually, I say the key to a strong emotional impact on the reader is connecting them to realistic, relatable, believable characters. Once the reader has that connection, they can then empathize with the characters, meaning they feel their emotions. But the characters in this story are distant figures, as in mythological tales, so they're not relatable. I think the key to emotional impact in this story is having background knowledge of the Mahabharata, along with cultural context, to give these characters and the events throughout this story a deeper meaning. I don't have that, so for me, this is a nice story, but I'm not particularly invested in it. However, it's my guess that people who do have that would get invested in the story, and they would exult with Arjun when he wins a battle, or feel his joy upon his return home, so I'm basing my score here on that assumption.

Pacing & structure: 2/5
The prologue and first two chapters drag a bit because of all the repetition, but after that, the pace picks up appropriately, and it stays at a nice, even tempo that isn't too fast or too slow. There are some formatting issues here or there with paragraphs, probably courtesy of Wattpad, and unfortunately, the only way to fix them is to hunt them all down and fix them manually.

The biggest here is the chapter organization. I really get the feeling they aren't in chronological order, especially with things like a chapter talking about the many years that have passed, and then in the next chapter, Arjun finds out Subhadra is pregnant. Jumping around in the timeline is okay if you tell the reader that's what you're doing. Without that, the natural assumption is that it's all in chronological order, creating confusion when it isn't.

Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5/5
Free points. Yay! 🙂

Overall enjoyment & engagement: 8/10
I enjoyed reading this story. It's clear and understandable, and although the chronology gets confusing, I had fun with that. "Hold the phone! She's pregnant again!" It's silly, but it was a nice touch of amusement for me amidst an otherwise serious story. And I've always enjoyed reading myths and stories from other religions than the one I practice, so learning more about the Mahabharata and these iconic characters was interesting.