Title: Tarnished and Hurt by slytherclaw_seeker
Source (1): Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024 by TheHappyWriters
Category: Harry Potter fandom
Mature: Y (mental health issues, non-explicit sexual content, self-harm, slut shaming, strong swearing, suicide)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
Round 1: 37/40
Round 2: 96/100
Round 3: 93/100
Round 4: 93/100 (2nd place)

Source (2): ELGANZA, INC. | AWARDS by TheCieloCommunity
Category: Fanfiction (Harry Potter)
Special note (judging): I had six books in this category, and the other judges (mj3648, Lasophie79, Lunatic_Twilight) had six books each.
Result: 96/100

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

Round 1 (Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024): 37/40

Title: 10/10
If you continue reading A Dove's Tale, you'll find out that this theme of a broken woman finding healing with the help of a good man by her side is a theme I like. There are also a few books on my editing with this kind of storyline going on, and it's a topic I think deserves exploration. Many people hide their pain because of what others around them say or do, and many people don't share these stories because they're afraid of how people will react. Anyway. All that to say that I know exactly what to expect by the title, and this is a story that I know should be handled with care.

Cover: 9/10
I had another cover that I judged with this same complex simplicity going on. A cover doesn't have to be busy to be effective. The woman's expression and the way she's hugging herself tells me she's struggling internally, and the pretty floral crown and shirt (or dress) tell me she's reaching for something better, something happier. The outdoor background that's blurred with areas of darkness and light adds to this effect, and the simple text of the title at the top is perfect. My only problem is with the text at the bottom. That should be your name. You don't need "james potter" on here at all.

Summary: 9/10
My only issue here is the order of the paragraphs. The second paragraph should come first. Its current placement interrupts the flow of thought that goes naturally from the first paragraph to the third. But your soft wording goes well with this type of story, giving the impression that it's an emotional, tender story. I always love content warnings, especially with this kind of story, and I 100% approve of slow burn. I should, since I torture my characters with it all the time. 😉

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 9/10
Intro: I like this extended intro. I thought from the blurb that James Potter would be the only guy we were talking about here, so it's interesting that he's the second, much-improved guy in her life. Just a few edits here. In the second paragraph, the semicolon should be a colon. Next paragraph, you don't need "for girls" after "player," since that's implied by context, and the colon here should be a period. A couple of paragraphs down, I'd recommend putting "threw away her virginity" before "slept with other boys to make him jealous," because losing virginity definitely comes first. Then, a couple more paragraphs down, there should be a comma after "on the other hand." And, something I told another participant about author's notes, I'd recommend cleaning that up a little. A casual tone is fine, and you don't use tons of text speak, but the capitalization is what bothers me.

Chapter 1: Okay. Well. You really paint Ophelia's mindset well. It's all wrong, but it's obvious that she has no self-esteem, she's trying to fit in with the popular crowd, she's probably been talking herself into things she didn't like for years now, and when the guy she's been crushing on looks at her, she convinces herself that going along with what he wants is okay, because he must care for her, since he picked her. Even though she knows he's using her, and she feels horrible before, during, and after. I did not expect them to go to bed in the first chapter, but you handle that tastefully - as tastefully as you can in this...situation. I really don't like Theodore. I don't think anybody's really supposed to.

Your writing is really clean. A couple things here or there, nothing a quick proofread won't catch. When you're going from dialogue into a dialogue tag, the first word outside of the quotation marks should be lowercase. So, the first time Theodore talks, lowercase "he," and so on.

You have an interesting voice. It's almost distant and factual, but it's still close enough to feel what Ophelia's feeling and know what she's thinking, and right now, the title is exactly what she's feeling. I can't wait for things to take a turn for the better for her, but I know the worst is yet to come.

*****

Rubric:
- Title: 10
- Book cover: 10
- Summary: 10
- Descriptiveness: 10
- Reader engagement: 10
- Plot uniqueness: 10
- Character development: 10
- Creativity: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar/punctuation: 10
Total: 100

*****

Round 2 (Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024): 96/100

Title: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Book cover: 9/10
See round one feedback.

Summary: 9/10
See round one feedback.

Descriptiveness: 9/10
Really, really good descriptions here. Appearance, environment, scenes, internal emotions - everything has a purpose, and every little detail makes it all the more real to the reader.

Reader engagement: 10/10
Well, when I get the impending feel of dread, and I just want to hug this poor girl, and then James asks her out, and I start smiling so widely my cheeks hurt - I think that's reader engagement. Don't you? And I know not everybody would get into this story, but that's kind of a given regardless of the story content. For those who take the time to invest themselves in Ophelia, it's really hard to stop reading. You just want things to get better for her.

Plot uniqueness: 10/10
For some reason, I've just never thought of Hogwarts like a regular school full of kids with regular problems. Battles with low self-esteem, the need to be needed and feel popular, the pressure to make a decision you'll regret - witches and wizards aren't immune to these things. They're just not the highlight of a typical Harry Potter fanfiction. So introducing us to this girl whose plot conflict does not revolve around magic in a magical environment is definitely unique, even if similar stuff has been done in teen fiction plenty of times. It's still uniquely your story.

Character development: 10/10
This story is all about Ophelia's character development, and there's no avoiding it. We see and feel her giving in again and again, making poor decisions for the wrong reasons, hating herself more and more with every mistake. It's really heartbreaking. When she sees Theo and Lily together, we feel that pain. When she stands in front of the mirror and analyzes herself, looking for every flaw that might be the reason Theo chose someone else, we just want to hug her and tell her she's beautiful, and he doesn't matter. And when James asks her on a date - an actual date, not a booty call - and she realizes that he doesn't just want to sleep with her, we feel so much relief and joy. We are on this emotional roller coaster with Ophelia, and we don't want to get off until we know she's in good hands and she can smile and feel beautiful again.

(And, no, I am not referring to myself in the third person. I am assuming that other readers would get all of this, too. And if they don't - that's too bad for them.)

Creativity: 10/10
I mean, yeah, this has been done in teen fiction before, but you make it your own, through and through, and it's dripping with creativity.

Writing style: 10/10
You can probably tell by now that I love your writing style. I have difficulty judging/scoring this category, because everybody has their own unique style, and just because one person may not like it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. So yes, bias comes into play here, as much as I don't want it to. But I also give high scores to clear, well-written stories that I personally don't like, so I'm not just playing favorites by giving you this score. Although I love your writing.

Grammar/punctuation: 9/10
There are a handful of minor errors in each chapter, but nothing major, and nothing that detracts from the beauty of this story.

*****

Round 3 (Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024): 93/100

Title: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Cover: 9/10
See round one feedback.

Summary: 9/10
See round one feedback.

Descriptiveness: 9/10
See round two feedback.

Reader engagement: 9/10
The pull isn't quite as strong in chapters 6 and 7 as it had been in the previous 5 chapters, but these chapters don't feel as deep, either. They should be, but I know you're still in the process of writing, and so this is just something to keep in mind when you finish the story and go back to edit. The scene with James, the date, is good. It's lighthearted, you can feel the tension easing from her shoulders, and it's just such a good thing for her. But then there's the sudden scene change when she gets back to Hogwarts, back in mean-girl mode, and it doesn't fit. No, I don't expect her to change overnight, but there's not enough inner dialogue, I think, or discussion of what's going on in her head. I mean, it's there, but...more? Or a better transition? Anyway, same in the next chapter with the scene she makes. Maybe I was just stuck on the sudden change from happy date to slave-to-popularity, but this just didn't grab me as much as before. Although it still did, as you can see from my inability to resist commenting.

Plot uniqueness: 10/10
See round two feedback.

Character development: 10/10
As with the "Reader engagement" section, I'd like more, but there's certainly nothing lacking in what you've already done.

Creativity: 10/10
Yep. See round two feedback.

Writing style: 9/10
The point deduction is basically for the same reasons listed in "Reader engagement." I still love your style, though, and I really can't wait for you to continue this story.

Grammar/punctuation: 8/10
Pretty consistent errors with capitalization of grammar tags in chapter 7, and maybe chapter 6, too, hence the point deduction here. I don't remember them as much there. And I'm guessing it's just down to writing quickly due to inspiration and not proofreading as much before posting, which is fine with a first draft, in-progress story.

*****

Round 4 (Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024): 93/100

No new content added since round three.

*****

Rubric (Elganza, Inc. Awards):
- Title: 5
- Book cover: 5
- Description (blurb): 5
- Plot & storytelling: 15
- Character development: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar: 10
- Originality & creativity: 10
- Emotional impact: 10
- Pacing & structure: 5
- Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5
- Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10
Total: 100

*****

Total (Elganza, Inc. Awards): 96/100

Note:
I judged this book in another award earlier this year, and the judging criteria were very similar to this award. So, I checked to see if there were any changes to the book, and then I copied and pasted a lot from my previous feedback, tweaking as necessary.

Title: 5/5
See "Round 1 (Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024)" feedback.

Cover: 4/5
See "Round 1 (Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024)" feedback.

Blurb: 4/5
I'm actually going to change my feedback here. First, ignore what I said before about flipping the order of the first and second paragraphs. I think it flows better the way it is. Second, there are a few things I would change about the third paragraph. Not big changes, just minor tweaks. I'd cut "And" from the start of the second sentence, as I don't think it's necessary, and I'd change "did know" to "knew." It's a bit more concise. And I'd cut the second comma from the last sentence.

But otherwise, what I said before about your soft wording giving the impression this is an emotional, tender story still stands. Your hook isn't necessarily the strongest hook, but I don't think it should be. This isn't a gripping action story. It's a story of healing, as you said. I will say this book should be marked mature, though. Wattpad's Content Guidelines require anything that includes self-harm or suicide to be marked as "Mature," even if it's just a mention. Since I don't know when these results will be posted, I'll drop you a comment now as a heads-up.

Plot & storytelling: 14/15
You really paint Ophelia's mindset well. It's all wrong, but it's obvious that she has no self-esteem, she's trying to fit in with the popular crowd, she's probably been talking herself into things she didn't like for years now, and when the guy she's been crushing on looks at her, she convinces herself that going along with what he wants is okay, because he must care for her, since he picked her. Even though she knows he's using her, and she feels horrible before, during, and after. I did not expect them to go to bed in the first chapter, but you handle that tastefully - as tastefully as you can in this...situation. I really don't like Theodore. I don't think anybody's really supposed to.

The pull isn't quite as strong in chapters six and seven as it had been in the previous five chapters, but these chapters don't feel as deep, either. They should be, but I know you're still in the process of writing, and so this is just something to keep in mind when you finish the story and go back to edit. The scene with James, the date, is good. It's lighthearted; you can feel the tension easing from her shoulders, and it's just such a good thing for her. But then there's the sudden scene change when she gets back to Hogwarts, back in mean-girl mode, and it doesn't fit. No, I don't expect her to change overnight, but there's not enough inner dialogue, I think, or discussion of what's going on in her head. I mean, it's there, but...more? Or a better transition? Anyway, same in the next chapter with the scene she makes. Maybe I was just stuck on the sudden change from happy date to slave-to-popularity, but this just didn't grab me as much as before. Although it still did, as you can see from my inability to resist commenting.

I know not everybody would get into this story, but that's kind of a given regardless of the story content. For those who take the time to invest themselves in Ophelia, it's really hard to stop reading. You just want things to get better for her.

Character development: 10/10
This story is all about Ophelia's character development, and there's no avoiding it. We see and feel her giving in again and again, making poor decisions for the wrong reasons, hating herself more and more with every mistake. It's really heartbreaking. When she sees Theo and Lily together, we feel that pain. When she stands in front of the mirror and analyzes herself, looking for every flaw that might be the reason Theo chose someone else, we just want to hug her and tell her she's beautiful, and he doesn't matter. And when James asks her on a date - an actual date, not a booty call - and she realizes he doesn't just want to sleep with her, we feel so much relief and joy. She's a long way from healing, but she's starting the journey there.

The other characters are not flat, 2D stick figures, either. Her best friend, Anya, is still sticking with her throughout the story, no matter what happens. And she's clearly memorable, because although I had to look up her name, I remembered her the first time I read this book. Theo is...complicated. As is James. And poor Lily is just caught in the crossfires of Ophelia's anger and jealousy.

Writing style: 10/10
I love your writing style. I have difficulty judging/scoring this category, because everybody has their own unique style, and just because one person may not like it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. So yes, bias comes into play here, as much as I don't want it to. But I also give high scores to clear, well-written stories that I personally don't like, so I'm not just playing favorites by giving you this score. Although I love your writing. You have an interesting voice that's almost distant and factual, but it's still close enough to feel what Ophelia's feeling and know what she's thinking, and right now, the title is exactly what she's feeling. I can't wait for things to take a turn for the better for her, but I know the worst is yet to come.

Grammar: 9/10
Your writing is really clean. A couple things here or there, nothing a quick proofread won't catch early in the story, nothing that detracts from its beauty. There are pretty consistent errors with capitalization of grammar tags cropping up in chapter 7, and maybe chapter 6, too. I'm guessing that's because of writing quickly due to inspiration and not proofreading as much before posting, which is fine with a first draft, in-progress story.

Originality & creativity: 10/10
For some reason, I've just never thought of Hogwarts like a regular school full of kids with regular problems. Battles with low self-esteem, the need to be needed and feel popular, the pressure to make a decision you'll regret - witches and wizards aren't immune to these things. They're just not the highlight of a typical Harry Potter fanfiction. So introducing us to this girl whose plot conflict does not revolve around magic in a magical environment is definitely unique, even if similar stuff has been done in teen fiction plenty of times. It's still uniquely your story. You make it your own, through and through, and it's dripping with creativity. And you have really, really good descriptions, too. Appearance, environment, scenes, internal emotions - everything has a purpose, and every little detail makes it all the more real to the reader.

Emotional impact: 10/10
Well, when I get an impending feel of dread, and I just want to hug this poor girl, and then James asks her out, and I start smiling so widely my cheeks hurt - I'm on this emotional roller coaster with Ophelia, and I don't want to get off until I know she's in good hands and she can smile and feel beautiful again. Obviously, you've done a great job of getting the reader to empathize with her and feel what she feels.

Pacing & structure: 5/5
Just perfect. 'Nuff said.

Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5/5
Free points. Yay! 🙂

Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10/10
I'd like to emphasize that I have read this book before, but it's been a while, and it clearly stuck with me. My only complaint is that there are no new chapters for me to read. I know life happens and all that, but I really can't wait until you get back to this.