Title: Secret Amour by AniV012
Source: Review Shop by TheBlossomCommunity_
Genre: Fanfiction
Subgenre: Romance
Fandom: BTS
Mature: Y (explicit sexual content, moderate swearing, strong swearing)
LGBTQIAP+: G (brief jokes)
Status: Ongoing
First impressions: 22/40
Digging deeper: 30/100
Final thoughts: Complete
Note: Chapter 34 was the last available chapter as of the publishing of this review.

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

First impressions total: 22/40

Title: 10/10
Ooh, a secret romance, and you're using French. My silly inner romantic is practically squealing already. 😊

Blurb/synopsis: 4/10
This doesn't feel like a story description. It's more of a generalized thought about first love. That doesn't mean this paragraph is bad, and I think it can stay as your first paragraph, but there needs to be some character introduction and at least a brief glimpse of the plot conflict, which you could add as a second paragraph. Then, I'd move the very last line up to the end of the blurb proper, and separate the quotes from the blurb at the bottom. For help writing the informative section, I'd recommend checking out justwriteit's chapter on writing a story logline and pitch for a little advice. I'll post the link in the inline comments here. →

Grammatically, there's a missing "a" in the third sentence of the first paragraph that should go right before "young first love." The first quote doesn't need a comma, and there are some issues with the punctuation and capitalization of the quote within a quote for the second line. There should be a closing single quotation mark at the end to pair with the opening single quotation mark, capitalize the first word like normal dialogue, and add a period to end it all: 'That's the one.'" For the very last line, you don't need "with," and "craziness" is misspelled.

But even without an introduction to the plot, I'm down for some cutesy romance, and I already have a V playlist going in the background to set the mood. 😉

Cover: 6/10
I like this, but it could be better. And my graphics skills aren't good enough to do what I would want. I love the two images, but if there was a way you could blend them together better, so he's looking at her, and she's standing in front of him, that would be ideal. I don't know how you would do that, though. It just looks like that's what should be going on here, but it's two different pictures put together, and the vertical line splitting the cover in two and blending them together isn't quite right. Maybe find a way so his forehead isn't cut off, and her shoulder isn't cut off? That would blend the top of his image and the bottom of her image together better.

As far as the text and the effects, I really like those. They're cutesy and fun. I think the title could be bigger and made to pop out a little more, maybe by adding a white highlight around the letters, or - ooh, this might help with the blending. You could put a white background around it that spreads out from the letters and has some transparency to it, and that would add the illusion of the two images blending together behind the background.

The big thing here is that your name is missing. Give yourself credit as the author! You could add it in purple font at the very bottom center of the image, maybe in a print, non-cursive style in purple or white (purple if you go with the white background for the title), and just make sure it's big enough for people to see but small enough not to distract from the rest of the title.

Addendum: You changed your cover before I finished this review! Ack! Um...I'm almost done with the review, so I'm not going back to change this now. But I like the new cover better. 🙂

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 2/10
Introduction: Hi! So, this is an informal intro, which is fine, but I'll just point out a few things here that may be an issue later. None of it is really a big deal here, though, so my suggestions are more for the rest of the story going forward. And my best advice is to use an editing tool, or at least spell check in Microsoft Word or Google Docs.

First, every sentence should end in some form of punctuation. When you add multiple periods to create a trailing off effect, you should actually just use three (...). That's called an ellipsis. Plural/singular nouns are a bit of an issue. "Bestie" should be "besties," and "picture" should be "pictures." Along with that, there are some noun/verb agreement issues. "Helps" should be "help," and "contain" should be "contains." There's actually a space in "a lot." It looks like missing articles (a, an, the) may be an ongoing issue as well, as there's another one missing in this chapter ("a" role). When you say "Mature contain," it should be "content." "Member's" should just be "members," as it's plural, not possessive. And you should hyphenate "soft hearted."

Characters: I like how you and your two friends are characters in this fanfiction. That's fun. 🙂

More notes here, and again, not as important here as they will be later on in the story. Names, titles, and the first word of every sentence or piece of dialogue should be capitalized. There should be commas to break up the list: "cold rude but also soft hearted" should be "cold, rude, but also soft-hearted." There should always be a space after but never before a punctuation mark (except for opening quotation marks and opening parentheses, which should always have a space before but never after them).

Chapter 1: Ah, this takes me back. When I first started writing fanfiction, my two favorite cousins and I would use an instant messaging platform to type lines of dialogue and action back and forth. It was the equivalent of texting a story back then. We were just doing it for fun, with no thought of posting it anywhere for anybody else to read, but our writing skills gradually improved as we went along until we were writing full paragraphs and sections of chapters back and forth, and eventually, we started writing solo stories.

I say that because it looks like that's what you're doing here. You and a couple of your friends got together with this idea, and you're chatting back and forth, figuring it all out and having fun. And that's fine. This isn't really in a story format yet, but you can get it there. It'll take some work to put the individual lines into full paragraphs, eliminate the text speak, and reduce your reliance on pictures for descriptions, but it's definitely doable. I'll show you some examples of how you could do that using chapter one as the reference point, starting with what you already have. (And I'm putting all the samples and examples in italics for clarity.)

*****

Time - 9:00 am
Place - kim ltd
*picture*
All peoples are doing there own works.
Office....
Then a car come in front of the building & most handsome, bacholour man come out from the car.
Yeah
It's none than our hero 😎
Kim Taehyung
*picture*
He is friendly with his employee. But some time behave too rude.
As an Introvert person, he always avoid any type of communication with employee.
Employees also avoid him.... Because they know how much angry man he is .
But for him his employee his first priority.

*****

In this section, nothing happened other than an introduction to Taehyung, which we already got in the characters chapter. But you could flesh this out into a full scene in many, many ways. You could add dialogue showing how Taehyung interacts with his employees; you could add in a bunch of descriptions about what the building looks like from the outside and on the inside, what Taehyung looks like, what his office looks like, etc.; then, instead of saying his employees are his first priority, you could show that through, say, internal thoughts as he's sitting in his office, or a phone call with a client who wants him to push his employees too hard. The options are limitless. So, first, I'll rewrite in paragraph form.

*****

It's 9:00 am at Kim LTD. All the employees are doing their work. Then a car stops in front of the building, and the most handsome bachelor comes out of the car. It's Kim Taehyung. He is friendly with his employees, but sometimes he's rude. As an introverted person, he always avoids any type of communication with his employees. His employees also avoid him, because they know how angry he can be. But for him, his employees are his first priority.

*****

That's already better because it's in a narrative format, and it's a good starting point. Just rewriting any sections of the story this way can help you look at it differently and imagine how to flesh it out and dress it up. The next example is much more complex, but you don't have to take it to this level, especially just starting out. I just want to show you the range of possibilities.

*****

It's a typical Monday morning at Kim, LTD. By 9:00 am, all the employees are hard at work, not wanting to anger their boss when he arrives. He can be friendly, but he's usually rude, and his anger is legendary. Fortunately, he tends to avoid communication with his employees, and they, in turn, avoid him.

The receptionist shouts a warning when she sees his sleek black limousine pull up to the curb outside the glass doors. Suddenly, everybody is fixing their hair, straightening their clothes, and hiding their phones. Somebody pages the next floor up, and the message spreads like wildfire to the top of the building.

The car door opens. A polished brown dress shoe touches the pavement, followed by another, and he steps onto the sidewalk.

Kim Taehyung.

He smooths his slicked-back hair, not a single black strand out of place, and the receptionist almost swoons. His tailored tan suit fits his athletic frame perfectly, and she thinks once again how unfortunate it is for the city's most handsome bachelor to be so cold. He slams the car door shut and walks inside, stuffing his hands in his pockets and not even acknowledging her polite hello as he passes her desk.

She doesn't know he's an introvert at heart. He avoids eye contact with her, and everybody else, because it makes him uncomfortable. But he knows her name, and the name of every other employee in the building, and he's already planning his response to the client who demanded he fire her for being unfriendly. Taehyung knows her only offense was rejecting the client's advances. He's looking forward to cutting ties with that womanizer.

*****

As you work at it, you'll find your own style, and you'll gradually get more comfortable writing at higher levels. Eventually, you'll probably be able to skip a few of the earlier steps and jump ahead, like starting with the simple rewrite instead of starting with the short form chat version. It's a process. And that's where all the fun comes from.

Dialogue can be pretty tricky to master, but the rest of chapter one is mostly dialogue, so I'll use that as an example of what you can do with this, too. First up is what you have now.

*****

Time skip
Taehyung's cabin
*picture*
: knock knock
Tae : come in
Jimin : hii buddy...... Gd morning
*picture*
Tae : SIR ...... u are in office mr.park ...
Jimin face 👇
*picture*
Jimin : sorry.... Sirrrr
Tae : hmm good ... Now say what is my today's schedule.
Jimin : u have a meeting with mr.Jeon ... And u are free....
Tae : ok u can go now
Jimin bow him & come out of the cabin
He came into designing department. ..
And
Someone shout
: jimin wait. ....
Here goes to our heroin.....
Jung Rizin
*picture*
Jimin : hi gd morning (cold voice)
Rizin : what happened... ??
Jimin : hmmp that coldy..... Never talk like a human ... Idiot. .. .rizin just keep a safe distance from him.... U also get cold .. If you are to touchy with him ...
*picture*
Rizin : ok my bestie don't worry.
And hug him
He hug her back.

*****

I think you mean "office" instead of cabin, and the time skip isn't really necessary, since he just walked into the building. You can incorporate that information into the story. But this dialogue is a great opportunity to add depth to your characters, because you can show things like tone, facial expressions, and body language in the dialogue tags. I don't know the full dynamics between the characters yet, but here's a simple way you can approach the dialogue.

*****

Later, in Taehyung's office, there's a knock at the door.

"Come in," Taehyung says.

Jimin walks in. "Hi buddy. Good morning."

"Sir," Taehyung corrects him. "We are in the office, Mr. Park."

Jimin makes a face. "Sorry, sir."

"Hm," Taehyung hums. "Good. Now, what is my schedule for today?"

"You have a meeting with Mr. Jeon," Jimin says, "and then you are free."

"Okay. You can go now," Taehyung says.

Jimin bows and comes out of the office. He enters the design department, and then someone shouts at him: "Jimin, wait!"

It's Jung Rizin.

"Hi, good morning," Jimin says in a cold voice.

"What happened?" Rizin asks.

"Hmph. That cold man. He never talks to me like he's a human here at the office. Idiot," Jimin grumbles. "Rizin, just keep a safe distance from him," he warns her. "You will become cold, too, if you get too close to him."

"Okay, my bestie. Don't worry," Rizin says. She hugs him, and he hugs her back.

*****

So, this is a good starting point again. From here, you can add more detail into the dialogue tags and really build up the characters, as you can see in this complex version.

*****

Taehyung has just settled into his chair behind his desk when he hears a knock at his office door. "Come in," he calls.

His best friend Park Jimin walks in, also dressed to kill in a tan suit with perfectly styled brown hair. "Hi, buddy," he says in a casual tone. "Good morning."

Taehyung raises an eyebrow. "Sir," he reminds Jimin. "We're at the office, Mr. Park."

Jimin scrunches his face up with distaste. "Sorry, sir," he says sarcastically.

"Hm," Taehyung hums, considering if he should address his friend's sarcasm or let it go. He decides it's not worth the trouble. "What's on my schedule today?"

"You have a meeting with Mr. Jeon," Jimin says, all business now. "And then you're free for the rest of the day."

Taehyung nods. "Okay. You can go now," he says in cool dismissal.

Jimin bows politely and leaves, but on his way to the design department, he starts grumbling under his breath. He's never liked Taehyung's insistence that they act like business partners and not friends when they're at work.

"Jimin, wait!" someone shouts.

Jimin stops and turns around as Jung Rizin walks up to him. She's dressed in business casual attire today, with a long-sleeved black shirt, brown slacks, and black high-heeled boots. Her smile doesn't lighten his mood.

"Hi. Good morning," he says in a cold voice.

She frowns and tilts her head to the side. "What happened?"

"Hmph." Jimin shoves his hands in his pockets and scowls. "That cold jerk never talks to me like I'm a human when we're at the office. Idiot."

He meets Rizin's concerned eyes and feels himself relax a little. She isn't just the head of the design department. She's his friend, and she's a beautiful woman. A beautiful single woman, he realizes. And he knows all the single women in the building daydream about being with Taehyung.

"Rizin, just keep a safe distance from Taehyung," he warns her. "If you were to get close to him, you'd get cold, too."

She smiles brightly and shakes her head. The thought of getting close to Taehyung has never crossed her mind. "Okay, bestie. Don't worry."

She steps forward and gives Jimin a hug. He returns it, thinking how lucky he is to have a friend like her.

*****

Again, you don't have to get that complex yet, but play with it, swap ideas with your friends, try different things out, and see what happens.

*****

Digging deeper: 30/100

Cover & title: 5/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Story description: 2/5
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Grammar & voice: 1/20
As I pointed out before, this isn't really in a story format yet, so it's hard to even judge it grammatically. There are misspellings and text abbreviations, punctuation is spotty—it's still in the very casual chat format shared between friends. Because of that, I can't really hear your writing voice. You haven't quite discovered it yet. And that's all fine. Everybody has to start somewhere, right? 😉

Plot & pacing: 2/10
Similarly, it's hard to evaluate plot and pacing right now. I can tell what the plot is. It's Taehyung, the cold, distant male lead, falling in love with Rizin at first sight. That's a pretty standard plotline, so it needs more detail added into the story and some tweaking of the plot along the way to really make it uniquely yours. And the pacing will always feel rushed in a very short, bare-bones story. Again, just adding in detail will help that a lot. You may not even need to add in more chapters to lengthen the time frame. Just fill out the ones you have.

Characterization: 3/20
Same thing here. The characters are flat right now, just lines of dialogue after a colon, so it's hard to see them as real people and connect with them. There's also a lot of telling, not showing, which means you explicitly say, for example, Taehyung is cold and handsome, but you don't show it, which would be something you do through descriptive detail. I picked up enough about the characters to form an impression I then used in the example rewrites I did earlier, though, which means the characters aren't just black-and-white stick figures. And I know they're full characters in your minds. It's just learning how to translate that for other people to read which will take some work, but hopefully, it'll be fun work. 😉

Harmony within genre: 15/15
This is definitely a romance. There's a huge emphasis on the love-at-first-sight moment when Taehyung first meets Rizin, and suddenly, he's tagging along to social events just to be with her. The man is already whipped, and Rizin doesn't even know. 😆

Originality: 2/20
This just goes along with everything else. Right now, this is a very standard plotline with very standard character stereotypes, and the format makes it hard for the reader to engage with the story for an immersive experience. But I'm confident you can work on it to bring it to life and make it your own. It'll just take some time and practice.

Chapters 6-34:
I don't normally make an additional category for this, since the writing in the first five chapters is usually the same as it is in the rest of the book, but you are a growing, learning writer; this is your first fanfiction story; and your writing does change. Which is good. I could see gradual improvement as the story progressed, transitioning to writing full paragraphs instead of single lines, relying on pictures less, adding more detail—and I love that.

But there is a point when there's a very sudden change in writing style, especially in the paragraphs between sections of dialogue, and I've seen that before when authors over-use AI editing tools. I will be the first to say that I love these editing tools, but it is possible to rely on them too much, just like relying on the pictures earlier in the story, so I'd caution you to make sure you're using any editing tools to help you actually edit what you've written, not rewrite sentences. You are learning, and you are improving, so don't feel like you're not good enough. Is this a professional-quality novel I could buy at a bookstore? No, but it's your first fanfiction, and it's fun, and it's uniquely you. It doesn't have to be perfect. Don't let anybody rush you and don't feel like you have to stick to a certain publishing schedule to keep your readers. The readers you want are the ones who like you and like the story and will stand by you even if you miss a week here or there, anyway.

Another word of caution: Official Wattpad contests do not allow AI-generated content because you can't actually claim full ownership of it. AI-generators pull from sources online, so there's risk of unintentional plagiarism. Also, most, if not all, unofficial contests run by other users don't allow AI-generated content, either. And when you're using quotes, like the one from Everybody Loves Raymond, I strongly recommend noting the source. You can just add a little asterisk (*) after the quote and note the source down at the bottom with your author's note.

*****

Final thoughts: Complete
Looking for a light read by a new author? Maybe a cliché romance that's just fun? Something that feels like a story shared between friends, something that's just meant to provide entertainment? You may like this book. The classic cold, distant male lead, Kim Taehyung, has a love-at-first-sight moment when he sees Jung Rizin. He's a CEO and her boss. She's oblivious. And you probably know the rest, but why not read it again? Just watch out for the silly jokes and the occasional smut. You won't get a warning about the jokes, but the smut chapters are clearly marked. Oh, and other BTS members make appearances as well, of course, complete with hot and funny pictures.