Title: Oblivion, A Timeless Void by Aster_Rae27
Source: ELGANZA, INC. | AWARDS by TheCieloCommunity
Category: Fantasy
Mature: N (alcoholism, blood, bullying, child abuse, death, discrimination, genocide, gore, loss of a loved one, medical depictions, mental health issues, mild profanity, terrorism, war)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
Special note (judging): I had five books from this category, and the other judges (HavvySnow, silksutra, _p1nk_tr4sh_) had six, five, and five books, respectively.
Score: 84/100

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*****

Rubric:
- Title: 5
- Book cover: 5
- Description (blurb): 5
- Plot & storytelling: 15
- Character development: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar: 10
- Originality & creativity: 10
- Emotional impact: 10
- Pacing & structure: 5
- Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5
- Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10
Total: 100

*****

Total: 84/100

Title: 5/5
Yes. Fun fact, this triggers memories of playing The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion for me, but although I doubt that applies here, it works in your favor when hooking me. 😉

Cover: 4/5
Ooh. Glittery and pretty. Love the gold and blue and all the text—except the subtitle at the top. The font is really skinny and tall, giving the impression it's been compressed, which then makes me think the entire cover has been compressed, although I see no evidence elsewhere of this. It's also very hard to read on the table of contents page, although I can read it when clicking the book title on your profile. It may also be a tad too light in color, tending more to white than gold. I'd recommend playing with different fonts to find something a little wider, darkening the color just a bit, and increasing the size a little if changing fonts isn't enough to improve readability.

Blurb: 4/5
I don't really like single-line quotes opening the blurb, because that takes up precious space in the pop-up box when I click your book title on your profile, and I think dedicating that space to an actual blurb is a better use of it. Quotes don't have the strongest hook for me. For that reason, I prefer quotes down at the bottom, after the blurb. Otherwise, the blurb itself is very mysterious and intriguing, piquing a potential reader's interest, and the only problem I see with it is past/present tense issues. It's tricky, because the first part of the blurb is in present tense, but there seems to be a natural change to past tense when the blurb narrows its focus from generalizations to the specifics of the book. I don't think there's anything wrong with that transition, but there needs to be a hard line when that happens for consistency, or else it feels weird. So, since the fifth paragraph is the last present tense section, "carried" should be "carries," and everything from the sixth paragraph on should be in past tense.

Plot & storytelling: 12/15
I just read another fantasy book with multiple worlds, time variances, deep mythology, multiple species, complex magic—and I can still say that your plot is unique. This is an entirely different take on all of those concepts. You've obviously put a lot of thought into this, and this is a great first draft.

So, I don't know how much of this you planned ahead of time. I doubt this is all being invented and written on the fly, although I get the feeling you have set concepts of the world and lore and perhaps more fluid or evolving ideas about the story itself. Some sections seem like they're more fleshed out than others, I guess? I say that because there seem to be surprises in the story that I feel like you would have incorporated earlier on with subtle foreshadowing had you known exactly where you were going with this. And that's fine. Once you reach the end of this draft, you can go back and smooth out the story, adding details and tweaking the flow for greater effect.

I noted down some general ideas as I read that you may want to think about (or maybe you already are). First, transitions could be better. The transition from the prologue to the first chapter is a good example of this. I thought she was waking up from her beating in the prologue, so I was confused about why she was in her room, not the basement, and as I read on, I realized several years had passed. You don't need to put a hard transition in that blatantly states, "Twelve years later..." But you can work in words here or there in the beginning about the passage of time or the flow of years or the close relationship she'd developed with the Master, little things that give the reader enough context clues to eliminate confusion and elaborate the situation. And that kind of goes throughout the story. Scene changes from world to world and perspective to perspective, flashbacks in time—a lot of authors try to handle that with a heading that gives the time, place, and perspective, but it's much more effective to show the change rather than tell it, just as it's more effective to show character emotions than tell them. And it's something you're capable of doing at your level of writing. You do it well in many places. It's just something to evaluate on the next edit.

So, I mentioned flashbacks already, but rather than focusing on transitioning into and out of flashbacks, finding a way to incorporate them into the narrative would be ideal. Make them your transitions. Have a chapter here or there that's obviously in another time or place with a yet-to-be identified character, showing and telling your flashbacks as interlude stories, and then later down the line, reveal that so-and-so was the person in that chapter, and we actually got a glimpse into their childhood. I think that would work really well with your writing style, because it already feels like you're trying to do this, although maybe you're not conscious of it. Just another thing to think about.

You do have info dumps here or there, most noticeably when the demons show up at the Elemental's front door. Again, this is another place where working the information into the narrative, weaving it into the transitions and dialogue and flashbacks and dreams, would be a more effective, engaging, and memorable way of relating this to the reader. That being said, I think a recap chapter at some point wouldn't be a bad idea. Just an interlude between chapters, after you've relayed a lot of information, kind of like cast lists or glossaries in other stories, where you don't actually write any narrative, but you just outline what you've already told us in the story. I'm thinking specifically of the breakdown of demon races, houses, classes, attributes, etc. That was a lot of info given all at once. Now, I don't think you should have this info in a chapter that comes before the prologue, because that would spoil too much of the story. That's why I think an interlude chapter would work better. It would give the reader a chance to breathe, recap, and have a reference point if they have questions later on in the story.

Foreshadowing is another storytelling device that would really work well with this story. You could easily add in a hint here or there about Faolan and Nerina's secrets without spoiling anything, so it's still a huge twist when everybody finds out the truth, but the reader can look back and say, oh, so that's what that was about. There are a lot of reveals and twists you could do that with, and this is definitely something that's easier to work into the story after you have the first draft finished, so you know how the story goes. It's hard to drop a hint when you didn't think about even adding such-and-such in until later in the story.

Oh, and I'd just like to say that you're a master at cliffhangers, which makes me so jealous, because cliffhangers are not in my wheelhouse. I appreciate them. I can't write them. 😅

Character development:
So, Al's character development in the prologue and chapter one are great, but then it feels like the story gets rushed, and character development gets dropped. There are a lot of characters thrown at the reader in quick succession, and beyond a basic introduction and physical description, there isn't much in the way of development again until chapter twelve. Then you really dig into everybody, and the character development takes off. So...more of that. Part of the rushed feeling is just that there's no time to breathe between plot points. The story goes from action to action, and we never see any of the characters in normal, everyday life. Show the Elementals having a meal together and everybody displaying their unique quirks. There's some of that in chapter nine, but it needs to happen earlier. Have Al's parents sit down with her—or her approach them—talking about why they abandoned her to her grandparents. Give us those heart-to-heart moments where Al and Hugo's friendship deepens.

And show us their interactions with other humans. There's no explanation for how they relate to humanity as a whole. They grew up as regular humans and went to college, but do they have jobs? Do their neighbors know they're Elementals? How do they blend into society? There's never a scene with an Elemental and another human, beyond the prologue and chapter one showing glimpses of Al's childhood. They're fighting to protect humanity, but why? Why do they love humanity, beyond being humans themselves? There has to be a reason for them to give up so much and risk so much to protect people they don't know. Show us that.

Al's rage in particular is stressed in the blurb and talked about at key points in the story, but this isn't shown at all after chapter one until chapter twelve, and it still doesn't get much exploration. She's the central character to this story, so she especially needs attention. Give us the deep dive into her emotions and thoughts like you did at the beginning. Show us the anger simmering beneath the surface, the growing discontent as she comes to know the Elementals. Maybe there's additional conflict within her because she wants to like them, but she can't help but hate them for taking her parents away and abandoning her to her grandparents. Maybe she blames her parents for the pain she's endured. Explore her inner workings. She's too flat right now. I actually feel like she's getting the least attention of anybody, and, again, foreshadowing with her would be beneficial for advancing the plot.

I'd like to see snapshots of her training, too. Actually, I'd like more on all the Elementals in that regard. They suddenly have weapons when fighting happens, and I don't think there was ever mention of a katana strapped to so-and-so's side or a bow and quiver of arrows slung over so-and-so's shoulder. This also goes with interactions with humanity as a whole, because in our world, people would look twice at someone walking around openly carrying weapons like that, but they were apparently doing that while shopping in the mall before the attack happened, because they had the weapons in hand right away, which tells me normal people are okay with that. In turn, that leads me to think people might know at least a little about the Elementals.

I was just starting to wonder what happened to the pixie when she showed up again in the last few available chapters (chapter 18 is the last one posted when I read), and after she reappeared, she's mentioned multiple times as being very important to all the Elementals, so she needs to show up in the story more. There was nothing about her after chapter one until chapter sixteen-ish, I think. And the girl has an attitude that I would love to see more of. Who shows up on a battlefield and starts arguing with a demon that he didn't play by the rules when he badly injured an Elemental during a war? 😆

The demons might have more character development than the Elementals, actually, but a little more for them wouldn't hurt, either. I'm really curious about demon society. It sounds like normal life for humans, except...they live in hell, eat human flesh, and drink human blood. So...yuck. But there's mention of beasts in Orcus that cause them trouble, too, and exploring that and the reasons all the Commandments have for taking their positions and protecting and advancing society for their people would be interesting.

I can't really comment too much on dragons yet, because, you know, they just joined the story, but I'm sure the above general concepts will apply to them, too. As for elves...well, I'm guessing a lot more about them will come out later through Nikos and Iskara.

Writing style: 7/10
Overall, you have an engaging, descriptive writing style that I love. I dropped a comment on one paragraph in particular that was just gorgeous, but that's not the only place where your vivid imagery and unique word choice paints a picture for the reader. Your action scenes starting in chapter 12 are also really good, with descriptive imagery that allows me to see what's going on (usually), along with the perfect balance of dialogue, action, and narrative to keep the tempo up without rushing anything. Prior to chapter 12, action scenes weren't so great, and I had a hard time following them, but you hit your stride in chapter 12, and you just kept going with it and getting better. So, I think it's something you'll fix on your own with no trouble when you finish this draft and go back through for editing.

Something that happens as the story progresses is the lengthening of individual chapters. I understand the difficulty of deciding where to stop a chapter, especially when it feels like there isn't a clear place for dividing the scenes, but I would recommend splitting the last chapters into multiple chapters. There are a lot of scenes and a lot of section dividers with scene changes, and utilizing those as guidelines for chapter division would be beneficial, I think.

Another thing to look at when you go back to edit is paragraph breaks. Sometimes, it feels like certain paragraphs really should be split up, because the topic changes drastically in the middle. There are also occasional places where it feels like certain paragraphs should be merged, because the topic does not change and the ideas flow into each other in a way that inserting a paragraph break disrupts. Some of these paragraph evaluations need to happen around sections of dialogue. As a general rule, different speakers should have different paragraphs. That just helps the reader follow the conversation. Keep one speaker's dialogue, dialogue tag, and actions together, and then make a new paragraph for the next person's dialogue, dialogue tag, and actions. Sometimes, I'll see the next person's actions immediately following the previous person's dialogue in the same paragraph, and that, in particular, gets confusing. So, separate people, separate paragraphs.

Two more specific questions or suggestions. First, in that initial fight when Ay and Dey got sent to the void, what happened with the rest of the fight? It didn't seem like that was the end of the fight on Earth, but the scene transitioned to follow Ay and Dey, and when they rejoined the Elementals, there was no discussion of what happened after they left. Now, I don't have a problem with the story following them and not sticking around to show the reader the rest of the fight. I'm just pointing out that something had to happen after they left, and they would want to know about it when they got back. And it was probably important, too.

Second, in chapter 18, I think there's a missing section divider. It goes from Adira's thoughts to Iskara and Naomi, and I thought at first this was another instance of one person taking over another person's body, but Iskara and Naomi were clearly not in Orcus, so unless I'm greatly misunderstanding what happened, the scene changed. I got really confused right there for a moment. I kept scrolling back up, trying to find whatever I missed telling me what was happening, and I finally realized the divider was missing.

Grammar: 8/10
This is overall a very clean read. More mistakes began to creep in as the story went on, which I attribute to you writing quickly and maybe not having as much time to proofread before you posted, but there's nothing major, and mistakes are still rare. I noted a few things as I read, along with examples, but I'm pretty sure you'll already catch most of these when you finish the story and go through for editing.

An occasional missed word: "They only came at the behest of the accusations lined against her." (lined up against)

Some awkward phrasing: "Even if it was just of seeing their expressions when they see her."

Rare misspellings: "and here eyes were mismatched" (here/her)

A couple of incomplete ellipses (...): ".."

Occasional present tense that needs to be past tense: "they decided that since she'll be staying with them" (she'll/she'd)

Rare preposition swaps: "Her crimson gaze immediately falling unto the person standing in the middle of the room" (unto/onto)

Rare singular/plural mismatches: "The first thing she heard upon regaining consciousness were" (should be "was" because "thing" is singular)

Originality & creativity: 10/10
Um...see all the above? Four worlds, four main races inhabiting those worlds, with a very complex race/class/hierarchy system among demons, mythology, magic, the Geos—and all these people who aren't who you think they are in a much more literal sense than just having secret personality quirks! So complicated! Is anybody really who they say they are?

Emotional impact: 8/10
So, this goes along with my notes for storytelling, writing style, and character development, but there's a huge difference from the emotional impact in the prologue and chapter one as compared to chapters two through 11, and chapter 12 is where it picks up again. Your exploration of Al's horrible situation in the prologue and chapter one is deep, relatable, and impactful. Then...it gets too rushed starting in chapter two to really explore emotions, and that goes along with character development, of course. I can't relate to a character I don't know. Then chapter 12 drops, along with a deep dive into each character's emotional, mental, and physical states, and there's no escaping the emotional impact. I commented in chapter 13 after a section that gave me literal tingles because of how much I felt that sad, romantic scene. The pain and numbness everyone feels after that battle really hit home. That's the level of emotional detail that needs to happen previously to this point.

Pacing & structure: 3/5
Well, I've said it several times now, but chapters two through eleven are really rushed, and maybe chapter one is, too, but that may just be the need for a transition from the prologue. Focusing on character development, flowing transitions, incorporating flashbacks and info into the narrative, and emotional exploration are what's needed to slow this down. Actually, depending on how you do this, the recap interlude chapter I mentioned under storytelling may not even be necessary, because giving the info in smile bites throughout the narrative makes it much more memorable for the reader than one big info dump. And, as I've said before, I think you'll probably fix this on your own when you finish writing and go back through for the first edit, because you're already doing this better from chapter 12 on, so you're figuring it out for yourself.

Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5/5
Free points. Yay! 🙂

Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10/10
I really like this story. Can't say I'm a fan of flesh-eating, blood-drinking demons, but you keep the gore to a minimum, and everything else about this hits every high note for me in fantasy literature. Deep lore, complex plot, magic, multiple worlds and races—count me in. I love it, and I can't wait to see where this is going.