Title: Nemesis: A Tale Of Vengeance by wenshi_nykx
Source: ELGANZA, INC. | AWARDS by TheCieloCommunity

Category: Thriller

Mature: Y (abduction, abortion, alcohol, blood, death, illicit drug use, infidelity, medical depictions, mental health issues, murder, needles, non-explicit sexual content, physical abuse, physical assault, rape, religion, sexual assault, smoking, stalking, strong profanity, suicide, torture, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N

Status: Ongoing

Special note (judging): I had four books in this category, and the other judges (HavvySnow, prk_hoonieee, TJDW1989) had four books each.
Result: 50/100

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*****

Rubric:
- Title: 5
- Book cover: 5
- Description (blurb): 5
- Plot & storytelling: 15
- Character development: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar: 10
- Originality & creativity: 10
- Emotional impact: 10
- Pacing & structure: 5
- Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5
- Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10
Total: 100

*****

Total: 50/100

Title: 5/5
If this title doesn't scream "Thriller," I don't know what does. Strapping myself in for a dark ride.

Cover: 5/5
This cover is just gorgeous. The imagery and text all blend so well, and the pops of red and sections of darkness take the potentially regal golds of this extravagant array of items in a sinister direction. Your font choice, size, color, and placement is all perfection.

Blurb: 3/5
I like the content of this blurb. It's a fair balance of enough information to pique a potential reader's interest while still leaving plenty of mystery to hook that reader. There are some grammatical issues in the section following the heading about Adelaide, so I'll go through those, but generally, verb tense and excess words are the main concerns.

As far as verb tense, the first two-and-a-half paragraphs after the heading are in past tense, but then you switch into present tense, which works well with the questions at the end. I've been reading and rereading this, and I think it would be best to just switch the whole blurb into present tense. It feels very weird to switch from past to present tense, and it also feels weird to change the whole blurb into past tense, because that messes with the questions.

So, in the first sentence after that heading, "started" would be "starts," "transferred" would be "transfers," and I'd change "with" to "when" as well. That's the better preposition in this instance. In the second sentence, "realised" would be "realises." I'm back and forth about starting that sentence with "But." That indicates a turn in thought or a contrast to a previous statement, and in this case, the contrast is her realizing something about the university, but you haven't listed her expectations or thoughts about the university in the previous sentence. To me, it feels like there is no overturning of her previous thoughts, so the correlation isn't there. For that reason, I think I'd cut "But" and either start with "soon" or flip word order to start with "she soon."

Moving on, the flow between paragraphs isn't great. Each paragraph feels like its own stand-alone entity, like it doesn't go with the other paragraphs. We go from her discovering the university's dark atmosphere to her suddenly having killed a stalker who abducted her. It almost feels like there's an assumption that the reader already knows about the stalking and abduction, but we don't. This is the blurb to introduce the story. So, I'd reword to introduce those concepts. Something like this would work:

A stalker leaves this message before abducting her: "Together we are inevitable."

Then, change "found" to "finds" and "were to "are." I'd also change "the death" to "his death," as I'm assuming his is the death that disappears. Although that may be an incorrect assumption based on the next paragraph, which talks about her dealing with a murder. Again, it feels like this is something the reader is supposed to know about already, but we don't. When did a murder happen? Is that referring to her killing her stalker, or did a murder happen before (or after) that incident? Again, the flow from the previous paragraph to this one isn't really there.

So, in the first sentence of the next paragraph, change "got" to "gets," and then the next sentence has some phrasing issues, mostly due to excess words. There should be an "are" before "unveiled," and change "sought out to seek" to "seeks." I'd also change "done on her" to "done to her." The rest of the blurb is already in present tense, so you don't have to worry about that anymore. But the phrase "from coming into light in front of the world" is really bulky, so I'd condense that to "from coming to light."

Now, with the questions, there are some grammatical issues as well. "To what extent greed and obsession go" is very awkward. You could add "do" or "will" before "greed," but that doesn't really help much. I'd probably change it to "How far (can/do/will) greed and obsession go?" Pick whichever verb works best for what you're trying to say there. Then, in the last sentence, "it's" should be "its," and "be ever" should be "ever be."

Plot & storytelling: 2/15
I don't understand what's going on. The issue with transitions in the blurb is a huge issue throughout, especially with the first chapters divided into multiple sections. There's no indication of where anything is, when anything is, who is the central character, or what is going on. I think some parts are in the US and some are in Australia? But I can't tell which segments are where. It seems like Heuron's mother sent her away from the US to Australia for school, but then Heuron's mother is in Australia, too? Or are they in the US? I really don't know. I think some segments in the first chapters are in the past, but, again, I don't know. Some bits might be diary entries, too? Not sure. As far as characters, some parts are in third person, and some parts are in first person. I think Heuron is always the main character in the first person sections, but I'm not sure, and I don't understand why she's written sometimes from a first person perspective and sometimes from a third person perspective. And there are a lot of pronouns instead of names, too, which makes figuring out who is who even more difficult.

Many people use headings to tell the reader the who, what, when, and where, but I don't think that's the best solution. I think it would be better to work that information into the narrative, especially right at the beginning of a new section. You have one heading in one place, which is very out of place with the rest of your story ("~Half an hour later~"), but you could easily work that into the story with the first sentence: "A half hour later, Heuron woke up."

There are also important scene changes with no transition at all, even no section divider, like when Heuron fell asleep after she took pain medicine. One sentence, she's awake, taking medicine, and the next paragraph: "My eyelids awoke as I heard the foreign phone ring." Or when Devin gives her the lighter, and then she's back in her mind, worrying about the stalker situation. It sounds like he's still there with her when that happens, because he's never noted to have left.

Also complicating things are confusing dialogue and unclear actions. A big part of this is using too many pronouns instead of names and grouping multiple speakers into one paragraph. When you split the speakers up, you include the wrong person's actions with another person's dialogue. It's important to keep one person's dialogue and actions together. An A B A B format in conversations is a good guideline. When it's all in one paragraph, identifying anybody beyond the first speaker is difficult:

"What is going on?" Heuron asked. Devin shrugged. "Isn't it obvious?" Heuron frowned at him. "No, it's really not." She turned her back on him to end the conversation.

Did Devin say the second line, or did Heuron? What about the third line? Is that Heuron again? Splitting it up would make it easier to follow, but if you split it up in a way that separates the actions from the speakers, it's no better:

"What is going on?" Heuron asked. Devin shrugged.
"Isn't it obvious?" Heuron frowned at him.
"No, it's really not." She turned her back on him to end the conversation.

Who is saying the second line? Is it Devin, or Heuron? The reader would expect Devin, but since Heuron's name and actions come right after the dialogue, it looks like it's her speaking. And that makes the third line of dialogue confusing, too, because the flow is all messed up. When you keep the speakers and actions together, it's much clearer:

"What is going on?" Heuron asked.
Devin shrugged. "Isn't it obvious?"
Heuron frowned at him. "No, it's really not." She turned her back on him to end the conversation.

That's much easier to understand. The first line is Heuron; the second is Devin; and the third is Heuron again.

As far as pronouns/names, you don't need to use names all the time and never use pronouns at all. That reads like a children's book: "Jane said this. Jane did that." But when you have multiple characters of the same gender, you need to keep clarity in mind. You, the writer, know who is saying and doing what, but the reader doesn't. What I usually do when I finish writing a section is go back and reread it, intentionally looking for those pronouns and trying to put myself in the mindset of a reader. Who was the last female named before that "she?" Was it the "she" I'm referring to, or was it another "she?" If there's any confusion, swap "she" for the right name.

Another issue is unclear action, often related to awkward phrasing, excess wordiness, mismatched correlations, and contradicting information. For example, this sentence is a run-on sentence with awkward phrasing and mismatched sections: "Your love and my trust, you didn't even bother to retain its honor." What does "its" refer to? Love? Trust? What do you mean to "retain its honor?" Do you mean someone betrayed your love and trust? The meaning is unclear.

For another example: "Then how everything flipped upside down for you to betray my faith." Within context, this was a question, so it should have a question mark, but "how" makes it sound like the person betrayed her faith because of everything being flipped upside down. "How" is a reason. If you want to use "how" as a question, you have to add a verb immediately after it: "How can you," "how did you," "how do you," that kind of thing. And if you want the betrayal to be the cause, you need to reword: "Then why did everything get flipped upside-down when you betrayed my faith?" That's now an accusatory question that makes sense.

I already touched on mismatched correlations in the blurb, but here's another example: "Everything else in this place was dreary, but his was dazzling; the water had lost its sparkles, but he had shimmering ripples and a white butterfly above; the sky was gloomy black and cloudy, but his was purple." His what? "His" is an adjective. What is the noun? His smile? His painting? His aura? Without the noun, there is no correlation. What about "shimmering ripples and a white butterfly above?" I thought you were saying she envisioned this above him or something, but later in the story, she paints this scene in a recreation of his painting, so I think you could clarify this whole thing just by saying "his painting was dazzling." Then the rest of it makes sense.

There are a lot of descriptors used throughout the story, which is good-if they make sense. Tones of voice, facial expressions, and emotions are often conflicting, which makes everything more confusing. A very simple example is describing someone's voice as "feeble but bold." That's not possible. Those are antonyms. The voice is either feeble or bold. It can't be both. Or saying she heard "a aggressive silver voice of a lady under that door with a bunch of giggles." First, the article should be "an," because "aggressive" starts with a vowel, but "aggressive silver?" A "silver" voice is a smooth, silky voice, often used to describe someone who's very good at convincing other people to do something. It's not aggressive. If it were, it wouldn't work. It's a very calm, measured voice. And "giggles" doesn't fit with "aggressive" or "silver," as that shows light, playful amusement.

More examples of this are "hysterically screaming through her giggles, she somehow managed to keep her cool." If you're hysterically screaming, you're probably not giggling. Maybe laughing maniacally, but not giggling. And you're certainly not keeping your cool. There's nothing calm about "hysterically screaming." Then there's "concealing the obvious fury on her purple face." Nope, not concealing. If your face is obviously purple with rage, there's nothing hidden about that.

Things got better when the stalking started (well, not for Heuron), because there were less scene and perspective changes, and with only two people of opposite gender, dialogue and action was a lot easier to follow. There were a few times "she/her" pronouns were used to describe Zeff's actions, though, so that was confusing.

There are some plot holes or inconsistencies that I noticed, too. First, when she ran from the library to the graveyard, where did the bouquet come from? She was fleeing people who had previously beaten her up, and she didn't stop until she got to the graveyard. But suddenly, she has a bouquet she can lay on an empty grave.

Another big one is her injuries. Bruises take about two weeks to heal, but she recovered from that beat down almost immediately. When the doctor attacks her, he bruises her face, but those are gone right away, too. Then there's the whole ordeal with Zeff. What happened to the wounds on her finger and wrists? You can hide bruises with makeup, but a crushed finger and bloody, open wounds from trying to escape handcuffs are not things you can hide. And he stabbed her at least once. She lost enough blood to pass out. But she didn't need stitches? Waking up and wrapping her wounds was enough for her to escape? And other than slight limping, she was able to hide her injuries when she got home-and attend a fancy party just a few days later? With no medical attention?

Also, you repeat the part where he knocks her out in the car in two different chapters, and it was really confusing when I read that the second time. I think the first time, you were trying to foreshadow and build suspense for the next chapter? If that was the case, I'd cut the first instance of it out, because now that the full chapter with that incident is available, it's just confusing.

Then there's the whole method of killing people by stabbing them in the mouth. When Zeff does it, it makes sense, because he is in control of the situation and is intentionally choosing that weapon and that target. But when Heuron does it, it makes no sense. If she's fighting for her life, she's just stabbing whatever is available. His mouth was on her, so aiming for his mouth would have been difficult and probably would have resulted in her stabbing herself, too. His face, head, or neck would have been much more likely targets.

So, now that I've worked through all that stuff, hopefully, I can piece this together better. Heuron's mom hates her because she conceived her through rape, so she sends Heuron away to Australia for school at HERA. Although she comes with Heuron, so she's not actually sending Heuron away. And HERA doesn't sound like a school at all, because there are no classes to speak of. It seems more like a twisted social club for rich young adults who want a consistent group of people to insult and hate.

Anyway, Heuron's mom also arranges a marriage with a guy old enough to be Heuron's father. I initially thought that marriage was between Heuron's mother and that man, so I didn't understand why his age was a problem, but then later, it turns out it's between Heuron and that man. But Heuron catches him with another woman and uses that to blackmail her way out of that marriage. Then, someone starts stalking her. She has to get medical tests done at HERA, and when she does, the doctor attacks her. Not sure why. I thought at first he was the guy she blackmailed, but Zeff kills him, and the guy she blackmailed shows up later, so that obviously wasn't the case.

But that reveals the identity of her stalker, because Zeff is obviously obsessed with her. He gets away with that very gruesome murder because his dad is the president of the school. Or business. Or hospital? He's the president of something, anyway. Then, Zeff abducts Heuron, and there's the whole situation with him being a psychopath and her trying to figure out how to get away. She kills him and escapes. She can't go to the police or get medical attention because of some undisclosed reason, so she makes plans to leave the country if the police find her trail, but then Zeff's murder gets turned into a drug overdose, and she's off the hook. Maybe. Except somebody probably knows what she did.

So, she goes to a church to confess, but the priest isn't there, and she finds a recording device where someone has been recording confessions and using them to blackmail people. And she turns around and uses that to blackmail the guy she already blackmailed. Not sure why. There's also something about a rich girl who's actually a replacement for the real daughter, who died as a child, and Heuron has a sister who tried to kill her but who Heuron still loves and still visits in the basement where they keep her on life support after a bad car accident. And Heuron's mom, who wants nothing to do with her, won't leave her alone. But I'll get into that in the next section.

Character development: 2/10
I can't nail Heuron's personality down. She's a shy, quiet girl, willing to take a beating for a man she's never met before, but then she's a vicious, vindictive woman looking for opportunities to cut other people down and blackmail them into submission. Her relationship with her mother makes zero sense on either side, as she seems timid and afraid of her mother one moment, but she's hurtling curses and insults the next. Meanwhile, her mother is asking after her health one moment, then screaming that she wishes she could have aborted Heuron. The sister bit is also confusing. Heuron seems to think her sister is on her side against her mother, but her sister tried to kill her. And then saved her life?

Devin wants nothing to do with Heuron, except he won't leave her alone. I don't know who Zosiah is. Is he the painter? Or the guy she took a beating for at the library? And who is the guy she met in the graveyard? You often use physical descriptors like eye color instead of names, so I don't know who is who.

Lydia (or Lyndia?), Nancy, and Danielle are women in school with her. Lydia is sensitive about her childhood, because her parents adopted her to replace a dead girl; Nancy is (maybe) Heuron's friend, maybe not; and Danielle is the girl Heuron gets in a fight with. She may have been targeting Lydia when Heuron jumped in. Not sure. And somebody is dating Zosiah, and somebody is dating Devin, but I don't know who goes with who.

The only character who really makes sense to me is Zeff, because he's a stereotypical psychopath. He sees Heuron and immediately forms an obsession, which leads to stalking, abduction, and torture when she refuses to submit to him. Her rejection provokes him to anger, and he tries to rape her, which is when she kills him.

Writing style: 5/10
You have a very descriptive, beautiful writing style, but the issues with phrasing and word choice that I've already discussed make it difficult to understand (for me in this story, anyway). I think a part of that may be a language barrier, and my only suggestion in that department is to just keep writing and keep soliciting feedback, which you're already doing. The story is already improving and getting more clarity with each chapter, so it feels like you've hit your stride and you're getting the feel for it. So, I wouldn't recommend stopping the writing process to go back and change anything, because if you're anything like me, doing that could mess you up. For me, I'll get into this cycle of having to change this because I changed that, and if so-and-so did such-and-such, then this doesn't work, and suddenly, the writing has to stop completely while I change everything. Don't do that. Keep going as long as the inspiration flows, incorporating suggestions if they resonate with you and if that won't mess anything up, and then, when the story's done, you can go back to the beginning and see if there are any changes you want to make.

Grammar: 6/10
Your grammar is generally pretty good. A lot of the errors I found are things I'm guessing are just proofreading misses, because you do those things right most of the time. There are some consistent areas where you have trouble, some of which I've already talked about, like changing from first to third person. That can get confusing, so I'd stick with one and be consistent throughout. Also, the story is overall in past tense, but there are occasional slips into present tense, so keep an eye out for that.

Something else I'd like to go over with dialogue is punctuation and dialogue tags. You usually do this right, so I think most of it is just stuff you missed while proofreading. Ending punctuation marks go inside the dialogue, not outside of it. If the dialogue is leading into a dialogue tag and would normally end in a period, change that to a comma and make the first word of the dialogue tag lowercase (unless it's a proper noun). If the dialogue leading into a dialogue tag ends with an exclamation mark, question mark, or ellipsis, don't change the punctuation (and don't add a comma after the quotation marks), but make sure the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase, just like with the period/comma. Also, when someone is asking a question and trailing off into silence, the ellipsis goes before the question mark, not after (...?).

"This is how you lead into a dialogue tag," she said.
"Could you repeat that?" he asked.
"You never listen to me!" she shouted.
"I wasn't paying attention. Could you repeat it...please...?" His voice trailed off, and he gave her puppy eyes.

Now that I think about it, ellipses usually don't lead into a dialogue tag. Huh. Never noticed that before. Anyway, there were some missing quotation marks here and there throughout the story, sometimes the opening quotation marks, sometimes the closing one. Also, when you're showing Heuron's thoughts, you write them the same way you do spoken dialogue, and that can get confusing. Something you can do that would immediately show the reader it's a thought and not dialogue would be putting the thoughts in italics. You would still follow the same rules as you do for dialogue and dialogue tags, just without the quotation marks.

This might work, she thought. Hm, maybe not? She shrugged it off and went back to work.

Also, I thought there might be sections in the first chapters that were diary entries, but I'm not sure. If that's the case, you could put those in italics, too, just to differentiate them from the narrative. You don't want to use something like italics or bold too often, because then they lose their special meaning, but thoughts and diary entries aren't overly common, so I think it would be fine to use them for both.

There are a few words I've noticed people often put together into compound words, which is incorrect. They're actually two separate words: of course, at least, after all. Also, "tho" is a text shortening of "though," so you should spell it out in the narrative.

Originality & creativity: 10/10
The entire concept of this story is very original, and now that I think about it, part of the comprehension issues I'm having may relate to me not knowing what to expect. You know how you can watch a show or read a book and know what's coming next, because you've seen it before in another show or book? I can't do that here, which means I can't pre-fill in the blanks, so I'm relying on you to spell more out for me, I guess. And, since you're the author, you know the story, and it's clear to you. The issue is just making that clear to the reader. But your word choice for your descriptions is really vivid, and the occasional pictures you provide just show what you've already explained. I love to see that. Too many people use pictures to provide their descriptions because they have difficulty putting that into words, and you don't have a problem there.

Emotional impact: 2/10
This just goes back to characterizations and conflicting messages. Relating to the characters is the best way to get a strong emotional connection from the reader, and for that, they need to be able to understand the characters and put themselves in the characters' shoes. Believable reactions are important here, too. For instance, when Heuron was getting beat up outside of the library, she had no emotional response to what was happening to her. She should feel something there, and not just pain. But I didn't understand why she would cover for a man she'd just met, and I didn't know anything about her, so the lack of a reaction felt really off.

Pacing & structure: 2/5
Those first chapters with all the separate, disparate sections and no transitions felt really, really rushed, because I had no grounding. I didn't get to settle into one section before the next jump into the next scene. When the stalking started and the scene changes became more infrequent, the pace slowed down to an appropriate speed.

Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5/5
Free points. Yay! 🙂

Overall enjoyment & engagement: 3/10
I love your descriptive writing style, but since I had so much trouble understanding what was happening, and I couldn't connect with the characters, it was hard for me to engage with the story. But, as I said, that improved as the story continued.