Title: My Guardian Angel by thedevilstwin100 and Aweirdoonearth01
Source: ELGANZA, INC. | AWARDS by TheCieloCommunity
Category: Romance
Mature: Y (attempted rape, blood, bullying, drug abuse, eating disorders, mental health issues, murder, physical assault, PTSD, sexual assault, strong profanity, suicidal ideation, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: GA (references, nothing direct)
Status: Ongoing
Special note (judging): I had 5 books from this category, and the other judges (silksutra, Hopeless_roMINtic, Annonymouscreator) had 5, 5, and 6 books, respectively.
Score: 62/100

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*****

Rubric:
- Title: 5
- Book cover: 5
- Description (blurb): 5
- Plot & storytelling: 15
- Character development: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar: 10
- Originality & creativity: 10
- Emotional impact: 10
- Pacing & structure: 5
- Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5
- Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10
Total: 100

*****

Total: 62/100

Title: 5/5
I'm a sucker for the knight-in-shining-armor thing. So yes. 🙂

Cover: 3/5
Well, first, I don't like the stickers, but I'm not taking points off for those, because you can't help it if they don't match your cover, and they're a sign of accomplishment that you should display. So, moving on, I just think this cover is too...simple. I think that's what it is. The title in the center needs something else, although I'm not exactly sure what. Maybe a subtle or shading to the text? Not sure. The subtitle at the bottom is...well, I don't like the tilde, and I think maybe bump it up a tiny bit off the edge of the line there? As for your name at the top, you don't need "by," and the white is too jarring, I think. Finding something brighter than the subtitle but still not quite white would probably be a good option here. And I think shifting your name down to the very bottom of the cover might help reduce the cluttered feeling caused by the stickers.

Blurb: 3/5
There are some phrasing choices that don't feel quite right to me. Instead of "To add to that" in the first paragraph, the phrase "on top of that" feels more natural to me. Then, in the second paragraph, "The dead-end" feels off to me. You talk about problems arising as June starts to develop feelings for Jasper, but you haven't framed that in a metaphor of traveling down a path or road, so using the metaphor of "the dead-end" doesn't fit. It makes me stop and go back to see what I missed. And I didn't miss anything; there is no mention of this metaphor previously. "The point of no return" might work better here.

The next paragraph is the one that gives me the most trouble. It feels like these two sentences should be parallel, since the opening clauses are parallel ("moments before disaster strikes" and "but right after it happens"), but the closing clauses don't parallel ("she despises the fact that he will leave soon" and "she knows that she can trust no one"). I don't really have a fix for this, but I thought I'd point it out, and maybe I can come back to it after I finish reading the story.

Plot & storytelling: 8/15
The plot itself is good. Rich teenage girl whose father is a wealthy businessman and leaves her in the care of bodyguards all the time. Mother dead. New bodyguard is younger than she's used to, good-looking, and is actually interested in taking care of her. You drop crumbs throughout the story that seem unimportant, but come back later in a big way, and you are so, so good at shocking the reader with big twists. It's like you flip a switch when you go into these heart-pounding, out-of-nowhere shocking moments, and you immediately fill the reader with a sense of foreboding as June's fear rises and something big happens—or...doesn't. Which is most of the time, and that only increases the sense of foreboding the next time something happens, because we know you're building this up for something huge. That is actually the area where you excel: the thriller elements.

That being said, there are some significant issues in the story, and I think most of them go back to four things: (1) this is a first draft (2) written by two (3) young authors in collaboration (4) over a long period of time. None of that is bad. It just means inconsistencies and problems crop up in the story, and when you finish it and go back through for editing, you should be able to smooth everything out, no problem, and when you do, this is going to be absolutely amazing.

So, in this category of the rubric, the biggest issues are plot holes and inconsistencies. Please do not be offended by the length of this list. It's honestly something I can't help but notice. I am the person who makes a mental note of such things with every book, movie, and show, whether I want to or not, and I keep a running list of such things I come across in my stories, too. And I'm fully aware that June is a hormonal teenager, so everything won't make sense, because teenagers flip-flop emotions and thoughts on a daily basis, if not more frequently. At least, I did. So, no, June's inner dialogue doesn't have to be cohesive or coherent. But the narrative should be, as much as possible. Too much contradicting information gets confusing, and it's hard to get a handle on the story when major elements change too frequently.

Sometimes, it's just the little things. Like cooking. She's great at it, she loves to do it, except she doesn't like to do it, and she only knows three recipes. At the start, she talks about being alone, not having friends, but she has her best friends, except she doesn't have friends, and she's alone, and then when she goes back to school, she does, in fact, have two best friends with whom she's very close, and that remains throughout the story. She doesn't get bullied, except she's targeted by the popular girls, but it's not actually bullying, even though they've physically harmed her, but she doesn't have to deal with bullying. And then, again, when she gets back to school, she is absolutely being bullied.

Ages. This is important, because a single year makes a lot of difference to kids divided by age and grade. So, the youngest bodyguard she ever had prior to Jasper was 38—or 39, as stated later. Philip was the 39-year-old. I didn't look back to see if that was the same name listed previously for the 38-year-old, but I don't think it was the same name. June is 15 years old and a sophomore in school, except she's in 11th grade, and then she's in 10th grade, and then she's a senior. The most frequently given grade is sophomore, which is what lines up with her age, unless she's skipped grades. But Dorian is 17 years old and in her class. He should be a senior, then, unless he's flunked grades. And then Karly and Klaus have their 16th birthday, which is later recounted as their 17th birthday. Jasper is 23—but then he's 24. Sally has dated men in their forties, but then it's stated she hasn't dated anyone over 25, but then it's stated she's dated guys as old as their 30s. June went to kindergarten at 3 years old. That may be a cultural thing, but where I live, you don't start kindergarten until you're 5 years old. Anything before that is preschool. And then Sally bullies a random girl who's said to be 13 or 14 years old and a junior in high school, but that age would make her a freshman. That's also in the same area where June says she's a senior multiple times. Oh, and there's mention of an eighth-grade prom, which could be a cultural thing, but where I'm from, the prom is only a high school thing for juniors and seniors. Although they can invite freshmen and sophomores, of course.

Timeline. This is another huge one. In many, many chapters right from the start, it's implied things happen over multiple days, but then it's stated such-and-such happened the day before, or that morning, or an hour ago, not several days ago. Karly and Klaus' birthday party all happens on a Saturday, and then there's a sleepover, and then they have to go back to school the next morning, because it's Monday. What happened to Sunday? The story spreads out over two-ish months, and then it's stated it's been almost a year.

Locations. At the sleepover, June specifically takes the guest room because it has a bed and a sofa for Jasper, but then she's in the twins' parents' room, and Dorian took the guest room. Not a huge deal, but then there are all these scenes that happen in dark rooms. Except the windows or curtains are open, and it's daytime, so...why is it pitch dark? The incident happened at the hotel, and then it happened at the restaurant, and then it happened at the hotel again. That's an important detail.

And where on earth is this set? It's freezing cold one day and burning hot the next, and apparently, the climate indoors is freezing cold regardless, although it's even colder on cold days. Does nobody have a thermostat here? Why is the weather inside severe enough to make her sick—everywhere? Home, hotel, car, wherever? You'd think somebody somewhere would turn down the A/C in the name of comfort.

The crowd blocking the road to the hotel. Really? There are absolutely no alternate routes? They can't take a detour? A trained bodyguard would never allow his charge into a crowd like that. Especially since they can apparently take a detour to get to school, which is close enough to drive there from the hotel, although they're staying at the hotel because it's so far from home, and they had to drive many hours to get there. The chapters in the hotel are pivotal for character development, and it's not implausible for a girl to get separated from her bodyguard in a crowd, but the reasons for them being in that crowd and staying at that hotel need to be believable. If they're far enough from home that they need to stay in a hotel, any schoolwork should be done online, or else there's no point in them leaving home to stay at the hotel.

Minor injuries are really, really exaggerated, but major injuries are severely downplayed. If she falls and scrapes her knee, that's not a reason to limp or go into a panic. A burn on the tip of her finger is not life-threatening. Yes, she's clumsy, and the accidents show that well, and they show how seriously Jasper takes every part of her safety, but the description of what June feels and what actually happened doesn't line up with reality. Bruises don't leave scars. A red mark from a slap would fade within a few minutes of the slap. But glass shards embedded in her shoulder? Nobody notices that? Not even the principal or her friends? Hours later, when Jasper picks her up from school, he just happens to realize that she's still bleeding, and she's been bleeding for hours? And the girl who can't handle falling and scraping her knee didn't even notice the pain or her blood-soaked shirt? What about the knife laceration across her stomach? With everything Jasper has done so far, she should at least ask why he didn't take her to the doctor for that.

There are conceptual things that don't make sense to me, either. When Jasper's telling her about his past, she thinks that he's hinting his step-father is abusive, but he just told her his step-father murdered his mother in front of him. That's, um...a little past abusive. In the beginning of the book, Junes keeps going on and on in her thoughts about how self-sufficient and capable she is, how she doesn't need a bodyguard, but then she talks about crimes she sees on TV or hears about in the news, how she can't trust anybody, how she can't take care of herself. This is one of those things that you can chalk up to teenage hormonal indecision, though, so it's not that big of a deal. But later in the story, she's thinking about how she's always following logic first, and she has to force herself to follow her emotions, and that has absolutely not been the case. She's acknowledged before how emotional and irrational she is. And Jasper thinks she's mature, and has thought that from the start? No way.

Dorian does not rhyme with Doritos. Cheetos rhymes with Doritos. Delorean rhymes with Dorian.

There's a part of the story where people are talking about puns, but the puns they're using aren't puns. Puns are clever plays on words that are often also lame and attributed to Dad jokes: "How can you spot a nosy pepper? It gets Jalapeño business!" (Taken from the first site that popped up on my "puns" search of Google.)

The scene in the bathroom where she forgot her shirt and can't leave the bathroom. What about the shirt she wore into the bathroom?

And how short, exactly, is this girl that she can't reach the lock on a hotel door? That's within reach of a toddler. Did they put the lock up at the very top of the door? Weird. But what does she look like, anyway? People call her shrimp; she's short, and we know she's thin, since, you know, not eating, but then she's also said to look very mature, which is why random creeps keep going after her?

It's mentioned once or twice that she's really involved in sports, but she goes to a coffee shop every day after school, not sports practices, and her weakness and fainting from not eating or sleeping appropriately would definitely make sports impossible.

Stealing...a hotel? This isn't the Middle Ages or the Old West. A posse can't come into town, have a shoot-out, and then gain legal rights to a piece of property.

When she realizes she has a crush on Jasper, she says she was never attracted to him based on looks. But...she was totally ogling him when she first saw him, and there were multiple points where she noted a muscle flexing, or his eyes, or his hair.

Napping on a motorcycle? She'd fall off. And what about a helmet? Someone as protective of her as Jasper would definitely make her wear a helmet.

"Idiot" is a curse word? Every other word June thinks is the f-word. Why would she think "idiot" is a curse word?

Also, on that note, a warning about swearing would be nice up front. You can just add it to the blurb, with the warning about mentions of rape and murder.

Character development: 9/10
June has definite character development throughout, and Jasper's character changes and develops, too, but his is more gradual and natural. Hers is, too, until she realizes she has a crush. Suddenly, she turns into a mature, relationally savvy 20-something-year-old in her thoughts. It's a very dramatic change, and while some maturity is to be expected, not quite to this level.

Ava vs. Sally. At the beginning of the story, it's very obvious, and June even says it multiple times, that Ava is her primary enemy, and Sally is just Ava's lackey. But then the story flips right after the characters chapter, and June says Sally has been her primary enemy all along. That doesn't fit.

Also, putting that characters chapter at the beginning of the story would be nice. And double-check the labels, too. Trent is marked as the second male antagonist, but there is no first male antagonist. And June's father is marked as a male lead, I believe, although he's barely in the story.

The Karly and Trent thing was something that confused me at first, because they're dating, and then they're not, and then they broke up, and then he broke up with her, and then she still thinks they're dating—but it makes more sense as the story goes on, because their relationship does not and never has made sense.

Writing style: 6/10
There are four distinct writing styles here, and I chalk this up to the four reasons I gave above. You and your cousin are young writers, and you're still finding your writing styles, so you absolutely should experiment, and I absolutely expect there to be differences in your writing in 2021 versus 2023. Even adults change their writing styles over the years. So, again, nothing is wrong here. It's just stuff to pay attention to, and when you finish the story, smooth out in the editing phase.

So, the four writing styles:

(1) The first five-ish chapters, June is just a crazy, hormonal, volatile teenager. This feels very natural and very teen-fiction.

(2) After that, and until she realizes she has a crush on Jasper, the tone, and June's character, changes significantly, and this is the bulk of the story. She becomes this extremely self-aware, existential person who has to recount her thoughts and feelings in detail every other paragraph, repeating everything over and over again. She doesn't trust him; adults don't understand teenagers; Ava and Sally act the way they do because of this, that, or the other; parsing through every fight Karly and Klaus get into; analyzing Trent's every action; and not just once. Almost every chapter. Multiple times in every chapter. A line of dialogue, and then three paragraphs of inner monologue. A single punch, and then an essay on why teens act the way they do. Now, I'm all for adding character's thoughts and emotions to flesh out the story, but it's excessive here, and it really impacts the pacing of the story, dragging everything out much longer than necessary and breaking up the flow of dialogue and action. And this feels very teen fiction, too, but very angsty teen fiction.

(3) After she realizes she has a crush on Jasper, she becomes this suddenly mature, thoughtful voice of reason. It feels just weird, like at any moment, I expect her to touch Jasper's arm and say in a posh accent, "Oh, darling, don't worry. I understand, and I love you regardless." So...I'd tone it down a bit. Maturity is good, but she didn't graduate college and learn all the ways of the world overnight. This section feels romance-ish, but not really, because she's still an underage teenage girl, and he's still a guy in his 20s, and she knows they can't have a romantic relationship.

(4) The assault onward. This is where your knack for writing thriller stuff really shines, and the impact on June in the aftermath is so real. She withdraws into herself and becomes a depressed, lifeless shell of who she used to be, and why wouldn't she? The girl was traumatized. And this section is amazing. It's so, so well-written, and it had me on the edge of my seat until the frustrating end of the last chapter. (MORE! I need MORE!)

Grammar: 6/10
This is a tricky category, because it's not consistent. As you acknowledge in the author's note, there are more mistakes in the earlier chapters than there are later on, because you're learning and growing. So, I noted areas where I saw problems, and I'll list them here, but you self-correct or improve in several areas.

Oh, and just a note. Dialogue won't always be grammatically correct, because people don't speak with perfect grammar. So, the rules are a lot more flexible in dialogue. It's the narrative where you need to be more careful about following the rules.

Tense. The story is in present tense, I believe? I'll be honest. It's late, and I'm not going back to check it right now. Maybe it's in past tense. Whatever the case, there are times where you use the wrong tense, so just keep an eye on that, because consistency is key to keep from confusing your readers.

Punctuation with dialogue. This is a common area for mistakes. When the dialogue leads into a dialogue tag, which tells who's speaking and how they're saying their words, use a comma instead of a period at the end of dialogue. If the sentence following dialogue is a complete sentence, or there is no dialogue tag, use a period. Exclamation marks, question marks, and ellipses (...) are all used normally regardless, and you don't need additional punctuation after them.

"I don't understand," she muttered.
"I don't understand." She stomped her foot and turned away, irritated.
"I don't understand!" she yelled, frustrated.
"I...don't understand?" she asked, confused.
"I don't understand..." She sighed and turned away, massaging her temples.

Another note with dialogue. It's generally a good idea to separate different speakers into different paragraphs. That helps the reader follow the conversation better and eliminates confusion about who is doing and saying what.

"I don't understand," she muttered.
He sighed and massaged his temples. "I don't know how else to tell you."
"Well, that's your problem, isn't it?" she asked accusingly.

Contractions. You pretty much use these whenever you come across two words that can be combined into a contraction, but that's not always appropriate. "I've" is the biggest example of this. There are a lot of sentences you start with "I've" when it shouldn't be contracted: "I've to read that book" should be "I have to read that book." This isn't something I've encountered much, or even thought about, really, but it seems like I noticed a pattern where following "I have" with "to" makes it so it's not right to contract it to "I've." That's what I came up with, anyway. There are a handful of other times where you do this with other contractions, but it's not common. You can probably find a resource on Google or somewhere that would tell you when to use contractions and when not to use them.

"Mam" should actually be spelled "Ma'am."

If "Mr." or "Mrs." comes before a name, there should be a space after the period: "Mrs. Smith."

"The both" is something a lot of people use in speech, but it's grammatically incorrect, so in the narrative, you should drop "the."

There are a few words you use that don't need the -ly, like "finely," "boredly," and "frustratedly."

"Babysitted," and "striked" should be "babysat" and "struck."

The other person always goes first. So, it shouldn't be, "I and so-and-so" or "me and so-and-so." It should be "so-and-so and I" and "so-and-so and me."

"Today morning/afternoon" should just be "this morning" or "this afternoon."

"Advises" should be "advice" (in the way you use it).

And there are a few words you consistently use with the incorrect meaning, and some of these may be colloquial things, so they're fine in dialogue, but you just need to be careful to use them correctly in the narrative: smug (correct meaning: haughty, proud, arrogant), kept (you often use it when you should say "put," "set," or "carried"), amused (you use it like "curious," but someone who's amused is someone who thinks something is funny or humorous), smirk (a movement of the lips and not an audible sound), told (I honestly don't remember where this was used wrong, but I jotted it down, so I'm guessing it happened somewhere).

Originality & creativity: 10/10
Um, yes? The rich girl, distant father thing has been done. The falling-for-your-bodyguard thing has been done. The wealthy-businessman-is-actually-a-mobster thing has been done. But your plot is 100% unique and original, and your spin on your characters makes them yours, and you absolutely own the sudden plot twists. So, yes. Absolutely.

Emotional impact: 10/10
Yeah, the teenage years are hard. Yes, I can relate. I know exactly where June is coming from in her thoughts—they remind me of my own turbulent thoughts as a teenager. I can feel the annoying flutterings of a crush she knows she shouldn't indulge. I can feel her hurt when she feels betrayed. You write her emotions very well, so that it's easy for the reader to feel them as vividly as June does, and because of that, she's an extremely relatable character.

Pacing & structure: 2/5
So, this goes back to what I said about the four writing styles I noticed. The second section is the longest, and it really drags. The deep dives into June's thoughts are too frequent and too repetitive. I found myself tuning out as I read, because I've read that before, multiple times, and I had to remind myself to pay attention, because there is new, important information in every chapter, and I don't want to miss it. Conversations are broken up and hard to follow by these thoughts. She thinks for paragraphs, and then she responds, and then I have to scroll back up to see what she was responding to. When this happens in action sequences, which it does, all the energy and drive just vanish. That fight scene outside of the restaurant should be snappy and hard-hitting. There is no time to stop and think in that situation, so June's self-reflection needs to wait. There's nothing wrong with telling the reader her thoughts and emotions, but less. Much less.

And I don't think I've ever had to tell anybody that before, so this is not a bad thing. Usually, I'm begging for somebody to please, please tell me what your character is thinking! I can't relate if I don't know! I just...know too much, in this case. ;)

Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5/5
Free points. Yay! 🙂

Overall enjoyment & engagement: 5/10
Again, this is tricky. The first and fourth sections were the best, hands-down, with everything from...I think it was chapter 39 on being the most engaging. That had me on the edge of my seat. You really do a great job with these thriller elements, and the sudden shift from (fairly) normal teenage June to absolutely terrified and devastated June is perfect. I want more. I need to know what happened. Why did she think Jasper was her attacker? Why did he confess and go to jail for something we know he didn't do? What on earth is going on with her father's past? I need all this. Now!

But that middle section, the largest section, got really hard to read because of how much it was dragging. The developing relationship between June and Jasper is important. The deep friendship with Karly and Klaus is important. There's so, so much important content that happens here, but it felt really bogged down. Stripping the excess away so we can really get to the meat of the story here would fix that right up.

Also, just a comment on the age difference thing. This is a one-sided crush, and I don't see anything wrong with it. You very clearly stated in the author's note that nothing indecent happens, and it doesn't. Teens, and kids below teenage years, too, develop crushes on older people all the time. Little girls even develop crushes on their older brothers. It's not creepy, because it's not a real, lasting thing, and nobody treats it that way. An eight-year age gap makes a big difference when you're young, but the older you get, the less of a difference it makes. There's no reason for a romance not to come from this—after she turns 18. And you're very clear about that.

Category deduction: -10
Unfortunately, I feel that it is necessary to deduct points for this being entered in the Romance category. It's not a romance novel. It's teen fiction, through and through, and definitely mystery/thriller as the subgenre. There are romance elements, but not enough of them to label this a romance story. A one-sided crush from a teenage girl on her bodyguard isn't romance. I understand the romance is coming, but that's not the overarching genre of this story, and I actually think you should consider splitting the story into two books: pre-assault and post-assault. That second book is probably going to be much more romantic, I'm guessing, once she's an adult and she's reunited with Jasper, and maybe that will be a true romance novel. It's just not that yet. Not in this first part, anyway.