Title: In the Epping Forest by HeartlessStarGazer
Series: A Chaotic but Perfect World (book one)
Source: Feedback request
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Subgenres: Action, Fantasy, Romance
Mature: Y (blood, bullying, child abandonment, child abuse, dubious consent, gore, mental health issues, murder, politics, religion, semi-explicit sexual content, sexual assault, strong profanity, suicide, torture, trauma, violence, mention of abortion)
LGBTQIAP+: Y (conversational topics, non-explicit sexual content, mentions of gay and transgender relationships)
Status: Ongoing
First impressions: 29/40
Digging deeper: 46/100
Final thoughts: pending

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*****

First impressions: 29/40

Title: 10/10
This is an intriguing, mysterious title, perfect for a mystery.

Story description: 5/10
I think your information in this blurb is good. You introduce the main character, the plot conflict, and the setting, and there's a decent hook here to pull new readers into the story. The structuring could be better, though. Instead of having two blurbs (one for Serly, one for the case), I think you could merge them into one cohesive blurb. Otherwise, it kind of sounds like two blurbs for two different books. There are also grammatical errors throughout, which I'll go through as I come to them.

So, I think putting the section under "The case" first would make sense, because it transitions really well into the paragraph about Serly. Flipping the first sentence around a bit would improve the flow: "Most people who go into the Epping Forest never come back." I changed "every person" to "most people," because in the following sentence, you talk about people who have come back, which means I also modified the verbs to match the plural noun "people." I capitalized "Forest" because when a common noun like that is part of a title like "Epping," it usually gets capitalized, too.

Moving on to the next sentence, "managed to escape, or have said so," is kind of throwing me off. I think you mean some people claim to have escaped, but perhaps they didn't? Like they may be part of the problem and are trying to confuse information? I think simplifying that would maintain the mystery and reduce confusion. Also, merging the following sentence with a colon would make sense, because that's just a list of the magic used. So, here's one way you could do it: "Some people who claim to have escaped have seen the kidnappers using magic: portals, balls, passwords, clues, spells, and curses." I cut the second "magic," because that was unnecessary, and I changed "or" to "and," because these are all methods reported.

In the final sentence of that paragraph, I'd change "every survivor" to "the survivors." And this sentence introducing Team MBTI is the perfect segue into the paragraph about Serly.

For the first sentence of that paragraph, cut the commas after "magic" and "people," and I'd change "that" to "who," since you're referring to people here. The "while dealing with her personal goals" feels strange to me here. That's not part of her duty. I think you could leave that part out, or maybe add it to the next section.

Condensing the next three sentences would improve the flow and make the transition from the previous paragraph smoother. This would also be a good spot for that bit about her personal goals: "But being put in Team MBTI against her will disrupts her balance and her personal goals."

The next sentence doesn't really make sense to me, and I don't think it's necessary, either, because you've already said she's off balance, and the following sentence explains why working in a team bothers her so much. "Strives" should be "thrives," and there are also some run-on sentences and verb tense issues here. Also, there's a direct contradiction when it says she doesn't want to get fired, but she'll do anything to get thrown out. What's the difference? I think you're trying to say she doesn't want to get fired, but she wants to be pulled from the team so she can go back to solo work. Here's one way you could fix it: "After all, she's a lone wolf; she thrives when she's her own boss. She doesn't want to get fired, but she'll do anything to get pulled from the team."

Then, for the very end, I think splitting the last part of that sentence with the first question into its own sentence would be a good idea, and you could consider starting a new paragraph with just the questions, or even having each question in its own paragraph. That would strengthen your hook. I'd recommend rewording the first question a bit, but the last question is good as is. You could do something like, "But what if her heart decides it wants to stay?"

One last note is that "sequel" should be "series" at the bottom of the blurb. A "sequel" follows something else, so saying this book is a "sequel" would mean it's at least the second book in the series, but it's the first.

Cover: 8/10
I like the background image, which just adds to the dark, mysterious feel, but the text doesn't stand out too well. Playing with font effects like highlighting and outlining in Canva would be a good idea to make the title and your name pop more. I think the font color and style are good, although I'm iffy about the placement of the title. You could experiment with moving that to the very top of the image or down to the bottom above your name.

First chapter: 6/10
I wrote really lengthy feedback in the comments the first time I read this chapter, and I actually copied and pasted it here so I could reference it easily, because you have definitely done some work that has improved this chapter since then. (Don't worry. You won't be reading that all over again. I deleted it as I went.)

The most pertinent sentences from the first comment are as follows: "Your SPAG is generally solid, and you have a great story concept here with great character concepts as well. So, first, adding spaces between paragraphs improves legibility on this platform, and it also will allow in-line comments to be more targeted and specific." And that all still applies. There are some rare slips into the present tense; as a rule, you tend to overuse commas (so do I); and there are some run-on sentences and some areas of awkward phrasing, similar to what I noticed in the blurb.

The second and third comments were about your dialogue, which you've really improved by switching to use quotation marks, and you incorporate a good amount of detail into your dialogue tags to make the characters more real. This chapter is a lot easier to read this go-round than it was at first. There are some punctuation issues with dialogue tags, which I'll get into here, but the work you've put in on this has already done so much for this story.

The sentences that come directly before and after dialogue are not necessarily dialogue tags. One way to tell is by deciding if they're complete or incomplete sentences. If they're complete sentences that can stand on their own without dialogue, they probably aren't dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are usually incomplete sentences that directly describe who the speaker is and how they're talking. Phrases like "he said," "she asked," and "they shouted" are very common in dialogue tags.

So, if the sentence isn't a dialogue tag, you punctuate and capitalize it like usual (period, exclamation mark, question mark, or ellipsis, and capitalize the first word of the sentence). If it is a dialogue tag, it actually counts as part of the sentence of dialogue it's next to, so you have to do things a bit differently. If the dialogue tag leads into a sentence, end it with a comma, and capitalize the first word of dialogue like usual. If the dialogue leads into a dialogue tag and it ends in a period, change the period to a comma and lowercase the first word of the dialogue tag (if it's not a proper noun, of course). If the dialogue ends in anything other than a period, you don't have to do anything with the punctuation, and you also don't need to add a comma after the closing quotation marks.

Not dialogue tags:
He looked at her and smiled. "What do you think?"
"I don't know." She didn't return the smile.

Dialogue tags:
He looked at her and asked, "What do you think?"
"I don't know," she said, eying him suspiciously.
"You don't know?" he repeated, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't know!" she insisted.

Moving on, the fourth comment was about character development, which has improved by leaps and bounds through your dialogue tags. You've done a really good job of incorporating body language and tone so the reader can see the characters and hear the conversation, and that builds the characters' individual personalities really well. I think the next step you could take to improve this even more would be to add more non-dialogue sentences within the conversation to really flesh it out and slow the pace. Adding things like character interactions with the environment would also develop the scene further by allowing the reader to visualize the setting. That would give the reader a little more time to digest each character, too. Right now, the dialogue is really rapid-fire. I don't think you need to change the content of the conversation at all. I just think finding ways to add even more detail would artificially slow the pace, if that makes sense.

And that was what the fifth comment was about: pacing. Again, this is a lot better than the first time I read this chapter. It's kind of amazing what a few dialogue tags will do, honestly. And again, I think focusing on adding more description as a next step would be the way to slow this down a bit more. Obviously, you don't want the story dragging, but I don't think filling in the background scene a little more would make it too slow. This is a very character- and conversation-driven chapter (and story, really) and while that's good, details about the environment are a bit lacking. It's kind of like a portrait where the background is all out of focus, or even just a solid color. Defining structures and adding splashes of other colors can really enhance that portrait.

I feel very self-conscious about making that analogy to somebody who's studying art. 😬

But as far as the content of this chapter, we get a brief intro to Serly pre-team, and then we get to see her initial interactions with the people in her new team. They're an interesting bunch of people. I've always found it odd that they deviate into philosophical discussions so often, but that goes along with their personality types, I suppose. And, since the teams are based on personality types as defined by a couple of tests, that makes sense. Serly is definitely a lone wolf, and she's definitely not good at social interactions. Nor does she want to be. She wants to be left alone, and her integration into this team promises to be very rocky.

*****

Digging deeper: 46/100

Cover & title: 8/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Story description: 2/5
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Grammar & voice: 6/20
The grammatical issues and awkward phrasing I've noted before continue, although again, much improved from the first time I read this. As for your writing voice, it's a bit hard to grasp because there's very little narrative between dialogue. This is definitely a dialogue-driven story. It often feels like stream-of-consciousness, because the characters go off on tangents within the dialogue frequently. Everything feels very philosophical, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it isn't really engaging, so trying to bring it down a bit with more human, simplistic details would probably help. Which you have some of already, with Emily's sleeping in and the teasing about her stomach growling. Playing things like that up a little more and not glossing over the in between details (morning routine, cooking, etc.) would humanize this more.

Plot & pacing: 5/10
This is kind of tricky, because the pacing seems to fluctuate between rushed or slow. That first chapter felt rushed, but in the following chapters, the lengthy dialogue can drag the pace down too much, I think because it feels like there isn't much going on with the plot within that dialogue. The case about the missing people and the dark magic seems like a side note to the conversations, especially since the scenes involving the team's actual work on the case are brief and sandwiched between those conversations. It's like they're interrupting the dialogue, so we're just hurrying through them as fast as possible to get back to the conversation.

More details about the plot and the reason this team was put together would be nice. What is an "evil-hunter"? How does a person become one? Why are they needed? Can everybody perform magic in this world? What does magic look and feel like? Instead of saying someone casts a spell, tell me how they cast the spell. Do they chant certain words or make certain hand movements? Or do they just concentrate to focus their mind on the task?

More background on the case would be nice, too. How long have people been disappearing? When did Team MBTI find out and get assigned to work on it? They've obviously been in the forest, working on this case for a while, because when Serly joins them, they have a pretty solid set-up. Why do they need her? How did they come to the conclusion Hemsworth was behind this? Does he have a history of causing trouble with black magic?

So, in general, more details and maybe less talking.

Characterization: 15/20
Well, since this is conversation-driven, there's a lot of characterization within the dialogue. Serly is quiet and reluctant to engage in social interaction, and when she does speak, her tone is usually abrasive and demeaning, and Oliver is pretty much the same way. They get bored easily and aren't that interested in other people, beyond knowing what they need to use others to their advantage. Emily seems shy and hesitant, and Selena has a bossy, no-nonsense attitude.

Incorporating other characterization methods, like thoughts, would help flesh these characters out even more by adding bits and pieces of their motivations to the picture. There is a little of that, but doing more would round the characters out more.

Harmony within genre: 5/15
There is definitely a mystery going on in the background of this story, but as I mentioned in the plot section, it's not the focus. The conversation is the focus, and the mystery is kind of pushed to the side, interrupting the dialogue occasionally to give the characters something else to talk about.

Originality: 5/20
The story is original; of that, there is no doubt. But the descriptions are lacking. Just naming the items in a tent doesn't allow me to envision them. How large is the bed? When you say there's a commode, is that something like a chamberpot, or is it an actual toilet? How rustic or modern are the furnishings? What are the colors used? How about sound? Are birds chirping during the daytime? Are there any distinct smells, like the mustiness of a dark, humid area, or somebody's cologne? What does the turkey sandwich taste like? Did Oliver use any interesting spices in it? What about touch? The feel of the file Serly reads, or the feel of walking across grass or bare dirt? This all goes back to what I mentioned in "First Impressions," and I think focusing on this aspect would be a good next step for this story.

Chapters 6-present:
And look at that. You're already working on the things I mentioned. Your descriptions improve as the story progresses, as does your balance of deep philosophical conversations with action-packed scenes advancing the plot, and you're really good at setting the mood for hot, passionate moments and tense, adrenaline-pumping segments. It's always exciting for me to see other writers pushing themselves to learn and grow, and you're definitely doing that. So, keep going, and good job!

*****

Final thoughts: pending