Title: 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭'𝐬 𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞 by _Mini_Padfoot_
Source: Utopian Fanfiction Awards 2024 by 
Category: Harry Potter fandom
Mature: N (underage drinking & smoking, strong swearing)
LGBTQIAP+: Y (a few mentions on the side, nothing direct)
Status: Ongoing
Round 1: 24/40
Round 2: 81/100
Round 3: 84/100, did not progress to round 4

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

Round 1: 24/40

Title: 10/10
I'm getting some serious romance vibes here, and, while I don't normally like extras listed in the Wattpad title, there are so many types of Harry Potter fanfics and so many preferences that adding in Sirius Black is a good idea to attract readers who seek fanfics about him - and ward off the ones who don't.

Cover: 4/10
This could be better, and my biggest concern with it is the title. At first glance, I couldn't find the word "desire." It's the same color as "HEART'S," Sirius' tie, and the rose petals, so it all blends together. I can't really make out the designs in "HEART'S," either, unless I look really hard. But I like the pop of bright red against the mostly black-and-white background, and I like the font choice and the way "desire" is overlaid on top of "HEART'S." My suggestions would be to move the text up to the top of the cover in the sky above his head, bump the font size for "desire" up a couple of sizes, and play with colors and other ways to add some definition to the text. Maybe a lighter shade of red for "HEART'S" so the floral designs stick out more, and a darker shade for "desire" to give it more of a passionate feel? You can try out things like highlights, shadows, shading, etc. around the text, too, but once the red text is against a mostly white background with some color tweaking, you may not need to do more to add definition.

Moving on, I like "a novel by serena" at the bottom, but I'd bump the font size up a notch or two so it's more visible. The background gray-scale image of Hogwarts is good, and the rose petals are fine, although you'd probably want to cut some of them out at the top of the screen if you move the text up there. Or, at least, make sure they're set behind the text, and there's enough of a color difference that they don't blend in with the text. But the glow around Sirius and the shine on his face feel like too much to me. You can still have it, but I'd tone it down a bit so it looks less like he just oiled his face after emerging from a nuclear reaction that makes him glow in the dark. (Unless that actually happens in the story, and if so, you have my attention.) 😉

Summary: 4/10
I'm not a person who likes story excerpts in the blurb, but other people do, so I'm not docking points for that. I do think the actual blurb that comes after the story should be right at the top. When a potential reader clicks on your story and that little box pops up with more info, they can only see the first few lines of the blurb, so you need to hook them with a tagline that piques their interest. There are also some grammar issues here, and you really want this to be clean, so it makes a good impression on any potential readers.

So, let me kind of go through my thoughts with you here, starting with that tagline. "In which." You can cut that out. That makes the sentence incomplete, because there should be something before "in which." As far as the actual content of the tagline, she's not much of a secret admirer if you spoil him confronting her in the story excerpt. That excerpt actually makes him seem more like the secret admirer who is revealing his presence to her, because he's the one in control of the situation, and that's what I thought was going on until I got to the tagline after the excerpt.

Honestly, since I haven't read the story yet, I don't know what information would go best in your blurb. Sirius Black, obviously. Secret admirer and anonymous letters - yeah, I'm guessing these are really important to the plot, so they need to be here, too. But there might be more you can include to increase your hook, so I'll just tack a link here to a helpful chapter by justwriteit that's all about how to write a good logline and pitch. This is something I've had to reference frequently, because this is not my personal strong suit, and I've really had to work at it to get better: https://www.wattpad.com/1357752761-8-chapter-challenge-story-logline-and-pitch

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 6/10
Author's note: A few little grammar things here. Using "but" twice in the same sentence can get kind of weird, since you're changing track/chain of thought every time you use it. There are also a couple of missing words, and sentences can get kind of rambly. That goes with the commas, really. So, I'd say comma after "so" right at the start, and replace the second "but" with "because." Comma after "hopefully;" you don't need "of" after "know;" and I'd probably remove the comma after "liked" and stick an "and" in there to join those two parts of the sentence. Then period after "story," and I'd cut the comma and "and" and stick a hyphen in there instead to show the abrupt change from discussing your book to turning around and discussing other authors' books. This is also where you need a few more words: "...and comment - not just on my books, but on other authors' books, too, since it shows them support for the hard work they put in while writing stories." Next paragraph is another place where you can split the sentence up to take care of the double "buts" and commas: period after "triggering," comma after "mean," period after "needed," and cut out the last "but."

(I would like to add here that saying "double 'buts'" in my head while I typed that out was very amusing.) 😉

Act 1: Just a general observation - I don't like all the extra space between things. It makes me feel like I'm going to scroll through all that, just to find nothing except the "continue to next part" button. I'm glad there was stuff to find, but I'd recommend cutting most of that space out.

I like the intros to the characters. There are some grammar things - Sirius' line should have a period after "others" instead of a comma; James' heading should say "annoying" instead of "annoyed" (unless he's constantly irritable, but I think you're indicating he's a pest to others). You can condense "have a liking for you" to just "like you," and then change the comma to a period after "you." And I love Remus' line. It made me chuckle. 🙂 In Marlene's line, it should be a period instead of a comma after "mind," and in Alice's line, comma after "think."

And on to the hunt. And the story.

Chapter 1: Here we go! So, more grammar stuff here and some wording issues, but I like the very natural setting of four friends just having breakfast in the Great Hall, and the errors don't detract from the story. You draw the reader into the world really well, and you include the intros to each character in the narrative nicely, too, so we get to meet them in action, just like we'd meet a person in real life. They're already distinct, memorable characters with unique attributes. The paragraph after the letter could be seated into the narrative better, I think, so it's less of an info dump that breaks the flow of the story, but it's not bad, and I really think it just needs a little tweaking. No major changes or anything. And that goes throughout this chapter. You've set the stage for the rest of the story very nicely here.

So, editing suggestions. In the first paragraph, the second sentence is kind of clumsy. The two parts don't fit together. I think adding "and" after the comma and changing "always being" to "was always" fixes that. The next sentence really goes better with the following paragraph in the way it's written, but it makes sense for you add another bit of info about the Marauders before you actually introduce us to them, so I think rewording would help here: "They were a unique quartet of friends, sitting at the Gryffindor table."

Next paragraph - I love how James is already simping for Lily. 😆 You don't need the comma after "hair," and in the next sentence about Remus, the two "whos" do kind of the same thing as the two "buts," and my solution is similar. Swap the comma after "chocolate" for a period, cut "who now had," and change "trailing" to "trailed." No comma after "two," and I'd actually bring the next paragraph up to this paragraph, because they really all go together. I'd say "the other boy" in the sentence about Sirius, and you probably want to change "goggling" to "ogling."

When the owls enter the picture, you don't need "had" after "sound" or the comma after "Marauders." Next paragraph, I'd cut the comma after "beak" and change "in its" to "with." And you do need a comma after "piqued." Then we get to the letter. No comma after "joy" and no "it," and in the next paragraph, a similar thing after "laugh" - no comma, change "it's" to "is."

Next paragraph, no commas after "since" or "secret," and swap the comma for a period after "scared him." When we get to the dialogue, "he" should be lowercase after Sirius speaks, since that's part of the dialogue tag. No comma after "scene," comma after "it" in the next paragraph should be a period, and a nice little cliffhanger at the end. It's not shocking or terrifying, just intriguing, giving the reader the same feeling of interest that Sirius has. Oh, and in your little author's note, it should be a period after "before."

I'm excited to see where this goes. I'm reading another HP fanfic centered on Sirius Black's kids at Hogwarts, so this is an interesting twist to me, seeing him as a kid at Hogwarts. But if his secret admirer's name turns out to be the same name as the kids' mother in the other fanfic I'm reading, I'll just warn you now that I'll probably freak out. 😉

*****

Rubric:
- Title: 10
- Book cover: 10
- Summary: 10
- Descriptiveness: 10
- Reader engagement: 10
- Plot uniqueness: 10
- Character development: 10
- Creativity: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar/punctuation: 10
Total: 100

*****

Round 2: 81/100

Title: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Book cover: 4/10
See round one feedback.

Summary: 4/10
See round one feedback.

Descriptiveness: 7/10
Not bad, but they could be better. You consistently remind the reader of hair and eye colors, so the characters aren't black-and-white sketches in the reader's mind, and you mention clothes and smells and general environmental things. The descriptions aren't as fleshed out as they could be, and you could definitely add more, but what you have is enough to give the reader a good idea of how to picture a scene.

Reader engagement: 10/10
The curiosity just keeps growing with each letter. I want to know who Sirius' secret admirer is, and I wonder how he'll react when he finally discovers her identity. You also drop little notes throughout the story that go back to canon, like James chasing Lily and the dispute with Snape about her, and there are just little lines that are begging for reader comments. And, judging by the little comment bubbles all over each chapter, that happens. I had to stop myself from commenting and making jokes because I don't have time to do that today, but yes, obviously, this is engaging to readers.

Plot uniqueness: 10/10
I was actually talking to a family member about this the other day. There are so many Harry Potter fanfictions; you'd think more of them would be similar, but that hasn't been the case so far - for me, anyway. Yes, I'm sure there are plenty of fanfics centered around James' generation, and Sirius is a very popular character. And yes, a secret admirer is not a new concept. But your take on it is unique. Sirius, the lady's man, is now zeroing in on finding the one girl who won't make it easy for him to get to her, and he's keeping her a secret from his best friends, too.

Character development: 10/10
I actually started writing this above, and then realized it had its own category. So, there's an obvious shift in Sirius' behavior from the beginning of the story to the end of chapter five. Instead of taking advantage of his looks and popularity to make out with any girl he feels like making out with, he's focusing on the one mysterious girl who's playing keep-away. Writing letters back and forth, making a suspect list of girls and ruling them out one by one - there's a maturity to him that wasn't there at the beginning.

As for the other characters, there isn't much in the way of character development, but their characterizations are good, and as side characters, they're not going to develop like the main character. James is kind of annoying. Remus goes with the flow. Peter is a wimp. Lily is frustrated with James, and Ki and Olivia's personalities are opening up to the reader as Sirius gets to know them.

Creativity: 10/10
Basically - see all of the above. 😉

Writing style: 9/10
Your writing is engaging, your characters are distinct and relatable, your plotline is good - basically, all good here. I approve. The only thing I don't really like is the sections of italicized text portraying past events (not the italicized text for the letters - that's fine). That interrupts the flow of the story. I think it'd be better to incorporate it into the present. For example, in chapter five, Sirius remembers an interaction with Ki. Instead of writing it out completely, you could just say he surprised her when she turned around and saw him there, and she snapped at him and left.

Grammar/punctuation: 7/10
Same stuff I mentioned before, but it doesn't detract much from the story. It's still very readable, and your structure, paragraph divisions, and dialogue all make sense.

*****

Round 3: 84/100

Title: 10/10
See round one feedback.

Book cover: 4/10
See round one feedback.

Summary: 4/10
See round one feedback.

Descriptiveness: 9/10
I'm bumping this score up because you're getting progressively more descriptive as the story goes on, especially when you're describing the interactions between people. It's the little things that make a scene come to life, like Sirius face-planting into a pillow when his secret admirer writes back that he can't see her yet, or a light touch on the arm as a girl leans in to whisper in his ear. There could always be more, but what you have is great.

Reader engagement: 10/10
I didn't plan on dropping comments while reading because I have a lot to do, but I couldn't help myself, and judging by the comments, nobody else could, either. The warm fuzzies, the heart-pounding moments - you're really drawing the readers into Sirius' search and his blossoming relationships with the three suspects. We're swooning over that thing with Kiara; we're cheering her on when she's punching Rosier; we're giggling behind our hands at Sirius writing "darling" in his diary. So - nailed it.

Plot uniqueness: 10/10
A love...square? Rectangle? Whatever shape, it sure ain't a triangle, and the way you're developing Sirius' relationship with each of the three girls is definitely unique. I can't tell who the secret admirer is, and I'm usually pretty good at guessing mystery stuff.

Character development: 10/10
Sirius' character continues to develop, and you're fleshing out even side characters like Rosier as you go on. The Marauders are developing, too, and even James is becoming less imbecilic as the story progresses. And, of course, the three girls are opening up to the readers, too.

Creativity: 10/10
Um...see all of the above and past round feedback. ;)

Writing style: 10/10
The only reason I docked a point last round was because of the past event scene in italics, but that's long forgotten, and holy cow, you have a knack for writing these cutesy, teetering on the edge of fluffy/spicy moments.

Grammar/punctuation: 7/10
See previous feedback.