Title: DEMONS ❤ Once Upon A Time¹ by AthenaPersephone9
Former title: The Infernal Chronicles: Demons (BOOK ONE) (A Once Upon A Time Story)
Series: The Infernal Chronicles (book one)
Source: Feedback request
Genre: Fanfiction
Fandom: Once Upon a Time TV series by Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz (specifically, season 1)
Mature: Y (abduction, blood, infidelity, mild gore, minor violence, needles, mentions of suicide, strong profanity)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Complete
First impressions: 37/40
Digging deeper: 73/100
Final thoughts: Complete

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. → 

*****

First impressions: 37/40

Title: 10/10
I love the title Demons, but I really love what you've done with the superscript in the title to indicate the book number within the series. Without a special box for the series name (please, Wattpad, please!), I think this is the best way to show a series through the title. And having read most of the book at this point, Demons is entirely accurate.

Story description: 10/10
Yes. Perfection. All the right info included, all the right stuff left out to create mystery, and it's obvious right away that you don't have to be a fan to understand what's going on in this story, which means it's wide open to non-fan readers like me. You've introduced the main character, Angie, along with Henry (yay Henry!), and you didn't bother dropping names for all the other characters, because that would just confuse a potential reader, and it's not relevant in this blurb. Ending with a series of questions and a short statement delivers a great hook as well. And not a single grammatical error in sight.

Cover: 9/10
I don't remember what your previous cover looked like, but I know I liked it. I like this one better, though. The reds go great with the title, and you have all the info: series, title, your name, graphics designer's name (props to mariiwritez). The only thing I don't like is the positioning of the woman's face. It feels unnatural to me. Given her stance and the position of her neck, she should be looking at an angle, but she's looking straight forward. I'm guessing the face has been altered from the original face, or another face put over the original? It just strikes me as off. But otherwise, I love this.

Addendum: Oh, look, you included the old cover in the intro chapters. And yes, I liked the old one, too.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 8/10
I love the poems and song lyrics you include throughout the intro chapters (and the rest of the book), and the little subtitles and quotes for each character do a lot to build them up in the reader's mind before we've even met them. You also don't waste space and reading time with in-depth descriptions, because that's what the story is for, isn't it?

Rereading the first chapter, it looks like you've cleaned up any grammatical errors, and this is a nice introduction to the characters. It almost covers the entire blurb, actually. It feels a bit rushed to me, without a lot of variation in sentence length and structure, but I know that improves as the story progresses, and I'm betting it improves with future books, too. As you said, you wrote this one first and well before the rest, so your writing style has changed. When you have a chance to come back to this, I think adding more descriptive detail and more variation in sentence length and structure would resolve the rushed feel to this.

But we have Henry, the boy who knows the truth about this world; Regina, his caring (?) adoptive mother, who is harsh and demanding with everybody else; and Emma, Mary Margaret, Ruby, and Graham fill out the rest of the side characters cast. There's not much of their individual personalities here, but this is the first chapter, so I don't expect to know every character inside and out by the end of it. Angie seems nice but distant, as if she's carefully maintaining a wall between herself and even her friends and her roommate. Or maybe that's just me from knowing what happens later in the story. At any rate, this is a good start.

*****

Digging deeper: 73/100

Cover & title: 9/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Story description: 5/5
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Grammar & voice: 13/20
Your grammar is solid, with maybe a place missing a comma here or there, maybe a comma that should be a semicolon, but no errors that I noticed beyond that. The reason for the lower points here is the lack of variation in sentence length and structure. Most of the sentences are fairly short, which can create a choppy feel in places, and that mutes your voice, too, because of the clipped feel. It's also probably the driving factor in the sometimes rushed pace. The story is still very engaging, obviously, given all the reader comments, and as I said earlier, I'm sure you'll improve it when you get a chance to go back for editing.

Plot & pacing: 6/10
This is mostly due to the rushed feel, which you can fix by adding in more descriptive detail and varying sentence length and structure. I assume the plot is mostly following the show at this point, and it wouldn't be a bad idea to add a note in the disclaimers that the show lacks realism and has some plot holes here or there which are reflected in your story, just as a heads-up before everybody starts asking about HIPAA and legalities.

So, it's pretty obvious that Henry is right and they are all cursed fairy tale characters who've lost their memories. The plot is following exactly what Henry says, and I assume what the show does, but you're adding your own nuance with Angie, your original character. I really like how you're weaving her into the story, and the introduction of cut scenes from her past has begun to add more depth and complexity, both to her and the overall narrative.

Characterization: 15/20
Adding more descriptive detail to the characters would be nice, but the general personalities are all coming out through the character interactions. Angie is the most complex character, of course, and she's the most compelling one as well, although I adore Henry, the child who breaks the fourth wall with every other breath. He seems like such a nice, happy-go-lucky kid, and it's so funny to me how he can so casually call his adopted mother an Evil Queen and blame this curse on her. The interactions between him and Regina are few and short, usually consisting of her scolding him or ordering him to go to his room or wait in the car or whatever—and then he promptly ignores her and does his own thing. I don't get the sense that he doesn't like her, but he doesn't seem to take her seriously. Not where he's concerned, anyway.

Angie, the distant onlooker who is involved but keeping a barrier between herself and everyone else, seems nice, maybe lazy, definitely content to do her own thing. She loves Henry, though, and she values her friendships, so she'll do what she has to do for the important people in her life. And then go back to watching Jeopardy alone.

Or robbing people at knifepoint in cutscenes.

The rest of the characters are coming along well by chapter five, too. Regina, the bossy, overbearing, vindictive mayor; Mary Margaret, the sweetheart who's too nice for her own good; Graham, the sheriff who just keeps his head down and does his job; Emma, the newbie who loves Henry and is conflicted about how to balance what's best for him and what's best for her; and there's Ruby, Mr. Gold, David, and Ashley, all of whom have had less screen time but are becoming more distinct as the story progresses.

Harmony within genre: 15/15
Fanfiction of Once Upon a Time. Yep.

Originality: 10/20
The score here is not because this is unoriginal. It's obvious that you're following the show closely, but you have your own take on it, and Angie, the main character, is entirely your creation. I know from reading more that she takes over the story gradually as well, and I'm sure you deviate from the show's script, eventually. The score is because of the lack of descriptive detail, which improves as the story progresses, and I'm sure you'll add more imagery when you go back for editing.

*****

Final thoughts:
Angie's just a normal woman in a normal world, mooching off her roommate, watching Jeopardy, reading a good book—life is good. She has her friends, and while the town mayor is a pain, her son, Henry, is a really great kid. Although he has this crazy notion lately that they're all fairy tale characters with amnesia thanks to a curse his mother, supposedly the Evil Queen, cast on the town. But that's just a ten-year-old's vivid imagination, isn't it? Angie thinks so, as does everyone else. Until things start to happen. Weird things. Things that get harder to explain. And on top of that, Angie is getting these visions of herself in another life, and that version of her isn't exactly a nice person. She may even be demonic. But none of it is real, right? Because if it is...then everything everybody knows is a lie.