Title: 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐬© by strawberry1d
Series: Soulbound (book four)
Source: ᴬʳᵗⁱˢᵗⁱᶜ ᴱˣᵖʳᵉˢˢⁱᵒⁿˢ ᴬʷᵃʳᵈˢ by janefanfics
Category (1): Masculine Muse (J-Hope)
Mature: N (blood, infidelity, mental health issues, mild profanity, sexual references; mentions of drug abuse, murder, torture, underage drinking)
LGBTQIAP+: G (mention)
Status: Ongoing
Special note (judging): I had four books from this category, and the other judge, itsmecrazY1432, had four books
Result: 90/100 (2nd place)

Category (2): Vivid Imagery
Special note (judging): I had five books from this category, and the other judge, randomlygore, had five books
Special note (rubric): I'd already begun judging this with one rubric, and then the other judge reached out about that rubric, and after some discussion, we decided to change it. So, I've included the feedback that isn't in the new rubric in an Extras section at the bottom.
Score: 55/100

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

Rubric (Masculine Muse):
Overall Impact (20 points)
- 0-5: Little to no emotional impact; character is forgettable.
- 6-10: Some moments of impact, but overall impression may fade quickly.
- 11-15: Leaves a good impression; character resonates with readers throughout the story.
- 16-20: Strong emotional impact; character lingers in the reader's mind long after reading.
Writing Style and Grammar (20 points)
- 0-5: Poor writing; numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that disrupts readability and comprehension.
- 6-10: Basic writing; some grammatical mistakes and inconsistent style. Limited use of varied sentence structures and vocabulary.
- 11-15: Solid writing; generally free of errors, with good sentence variety and appropriate vocabulary. Style enhances the narrative, though it may not be consistently engaging.
- 16-20: Exceptional writing; flawless grammar and punctuation, with a distinctive voice and style. The use of varied sentence structures and rich vocabulary creates a compelling and immersive reading experience.
Character Development (20 points)
- 0-5: Underdeveloped character; lacks depth and motivation.
- 6-10: Some development; has a few clear traits but feels one-dimensional.
- 11-15: Well-developed character; shows growth and complexity throughout the story.
- 16-20: Exceptionally developed character; multi-faceted with a compelling arc that resonates strongly with readers.
Relatability (20 points)
- 0-5: Character feels completely unrealistic or distant from audience experiences.
- 6-10: Character has some relatable traits, but many elements feel exaggerated or underexplored.
- 11-15: Character relatable in most aspects; readers can identify with struggles and triumphs.
- 16-20: Highly relatable character; readers see themselves in the character, making their journey impactful.
Role in Story (20 points)
- 0-5: Character serves no clear purpose; feels extraneous to the plot.
- 6-10: Character has some role in the story but does not significantly influence the narrative.
- 11-15: Character plays a meaningful role; contributes to plot development and themes.
- 16-20: Integral to the story; drives the plot forward and enriches the overall narrative.
Total: 100 points

*****

Total (Masculine Muse): 90/100

Overall Impact: 20/20
I first read this entire book for the "Vivid Imagery" category over a month ago, and although I've read a lot of books since then, this book and this character (and this author) still stick out. Obviously, they had an impact. 🙂

Writing Style and Grammar: 10/20
I love your writing style. It's very engaging and fun. There are a lot of grammar mistakes, but they don't negatively impact the readability of the story. For more detailed grammar info, see my "Vivid Imagery" feedback.

Character Development: 20/20
All your characters are well-developed, and J-Hope is no exception. It's interesting how right from the start, everybody who knows him knows something is wrong. He's not the bundle of sunshine he used to be. His internal struggles about Dove and her cheating boil over into irrational anger when he and Akira meet and instantly know they're soulmates, and as the story progresses, it's gradually revealed that this isn't just an emotional problem for him. This is a genuine mental health issue stemming from Dove's betrayal and the fear of a stalker who literally broke into his hotel room while he was sleeping. Both incidents happened years ago, but both hurt him deeply, and he needs professional help to get past them so he can move forward with the bonding process. But once he takes that leap, ooh la la. It's truly heartwarming to see him return to the happy, optimistic state everybody said used to be his normal, and his unrestrained love and devotion for Akira gives me all the warm fuzzy feels.

Relatability: 20/20
The deep dive into J-Hope's thoughts and emotions allows the reader to connect with him immediately. He isn't some distant celebrity, high above everybody else. He's a normal person who happens to be a celebrity, and he has normal struggles, normal needs, normal desires. And abnormal mental health issues, which is also a very common problem among the general population. The reader may not understand why he's so dead set against bonding with Akira at first, but the way you unfold the story and reveal the heart of his resistance just makes him even more real and relatable. Even the romance when they finally bond is relatable. Maybe most people can't jet off to an exotic locale for a week-long honeymoon, but they can relate to the desire to spend time with a new romantic partner, to spoil them, to learn their ins and outs and make them happy.

Role in Story: 20/20
Well, he is the male love interest. Without him, there is no story. You've centered at least half of the book on him, which only illustrates how integral he is to the plot.

*****

Rubric (Vivid Imagery):
- Descriptive language (30): Use of rich, descriptive language that paints a clear and vivid picture in the reader's mind.
- Emotional impact (25): The imagery evokes strong emotions or reactions from the reader.
- Originality & creativity (25): Use of unique, creative imagery that stands out from common or cliché descriptions.
- Clarity & coherence (20): The imagery is clear, and the language is well-organized and easy to follow.
Total: 100

*****

Total (Vivid Imagery): 55/100

Descriptive language: 15/30
You do have descriptive details in the narrative, but you really rely on the images to give the descriptions, not your words. If it weren't for the images, I wouldn't be able to picture anything most of the time, especially early on in the story. There are times when you do describe things well in the text—wallpaper/paint, flooring, furniture, colors, windows, exterior, people—and you do that more as the story progresses, so this is something you can do well, but I just don't see it in the text as much as I'd like. If the pictures don't load, or if a reader is listening to someone read them the story, they won't get that descriptive detail.

That being said, your fashion descriptions and food descriptions are really good. Sometimes, it's like you're in tour guide mode, showing off the best of the city. As someone who struggles to even include things like clothing descriptions in a story, I'm always envious when I come across an author who does this really well. I don't really notice clothes, hair, makeup, or all that in real life, so I have to force myself to consider those aspects in my writing. Usually, I just get lazy and decide my characters get one outfit each, maybe two, if they're lucky, and one standard hair-do. 😉

Great use of dialect. That's a descriptive detail that many people don't think to include. When Akira's in London, it's really thick, and not just in dialogue. Your vocabulary bank includes very British words throughout the narrative in those chapters. There are times when I wondered if a British person might think you overdid it a little, but I'm an American, so I can't really judge that well. It was great for me.

But when you're incorporating more descriptive detail, make sure you try to hit all five senses. Sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. It might be easier to just focus on one sense, and then, when you feel more comfortable adding, say, visual detail to your writing, switch your focus to another sense, like sound. Smell and taste are probably your weakest areas here. You do touch really well, with all the descriptions of each physical contact between Akira and Hoseok and the pain in their soul marks.

Emotional impact: 10/25
The imagery in the narrative that you do have does create an emotional connection. Amazement at the opulent lifestyle of the BTS members; happiness while enjoying things like fine dining, shopping expeditions, and spa days; envy at Dove's (or Akira's, depending on POV) appearance. It's just that there's too much reliance on the pictures in each chapter for the visual descriptive details. The strongest emotional connection provided by the narrative surrounds Akira and Hoseok's turbulent relationship, and while descriptions of emotions and inner thoughts are descriptive details, it's the rest of the imagery that needs to be bumped up to really hit this from all sides. And, of course, your description of physical contact and what they feel from the soul marks is all great at forging a connection, too.

Side note: There are a couple of areas where the language you use could trigger a negative emotional response from the reader to you and the story in general, which is definitely not what you want. You use the term "Jap" a couple times, and as far as I know, that's an offensive term for Japanese people. There was a time when people would say "Japs and Chins" to mean Japanese and Chinese people (and I'm sure some racist idiots still use those terms), so unless there's been some reclaiming and redemption of the term, I'd recommend changing "Jap" to something less problematic, like just "Japanese." Similarly, when Akira is describing her adoptive parents to Jhope, she says they're "Caucasian" or "White Brits." I'd just stick with "Caucasian." Not sure if there's anything offensive about "White Brits," but it feels like it could maybe be misconstrued, and "Caucasian" is really the only description you need here, anyway, so better to be safe than sorry.

Originality & creativity: 15/25
Again, this suffers because of the limited detail provided in the narrative, and some of the language is very standard (cupid lips, firm chest, muscled arms). But your descriptions of the soul marks are fantastic. Obviously, that's a detail that won't be in other stories, because the entire soul mark concept is yours. The sensations they feel at various points throughout the story, the visual descriptions of their soul marks during the bonding ritual—it's really, really good. Actually, that's probably a good benchmark for you. Try to work on bringing the rest of descriptions up to that standard. And, as I mentioned in the first category, your descriptions do get better as the story goes along and you use fewer images, so you're already on the right track.

Clarity & coherence: 15/20
Overall, this is good. Sometimes, people can get so poetic and artsy that I can't even understand what they're saying, and this is not an issue for you. I think your main issue here is maintaining consistency in details, but it's pretty normal for discrepancies to pop up, considering this is a work in progress and a long story. It's just that inconsistencies make the reader question things and get confused. "Wasn't her hair chestnut before?" "I thought she had a stronger accent." That kind of thing. And I don't necessarily know if this even really applies to this category, or if most people would even notice or be bothered by this stuff, but I'm a very detail-oriented person, so I can't help but notice. I have a document full of the inconsistencies I find in my stories, so I remember to go back and fix stuff in my next round of edits. Anyway, I'm not docking a ton of points or anything, but I thought I'd just point out what I noticed.

So, in chapter 11, your top 20 count adds up to 19 (but all other counts in the story add up to the right number, in case you're wondering). In chapter 49, you call Tokyo a "small town," which, as we all know, is not the case. In chapter 67, the wrong floors are listed (third and second should be fourth and third).

And there are a few things I thought of surrounding Akira and the twins' background. So, if the twins were 9 when they were adopted, they should still remember quite a lot of Japanese. And, with Akira being 13 when she was adopted, she probably wouldn't have a strong British accent. Although her accent is adorable, and any accent she picked up would probably be pretty noticeable to native Korean speakers when she's trying to learn their language. I wonder what a mixed Japanese/British accent while speaking Korean sounds like? Hm...

The British accents and British vocabulary in the narrative written from her POV gradually fade away after she comes to South Korea. She still thinks the same way, and when she speaks English, she should still speak the same way, too, so bringing that back when you go through an edit would be a good idea. As of chapter 71, the only reminders of her British upbringing are when people mention her accent or she says, "Oh, blimey!"

I didn't remember it being mentioned at the beginning of the story that the twins had different birth parents from Akira, although I may have just missed that detail. It just struck me as odd when I found that out later in the story. I also have another note about background inconsistencies for Akira, but I think that was just about age of foster and adoption, because it wasn't clear early on that her British parents were her second set of adoptive parents. Maybe just something you want to look at when you edit to make sure it's clear.

Oh, and along those lines, "foster" and "adoptive" are not interchangeable terms. Foster parents don't officially adopt a child. They only keep the child temporarily. Foster parents can decide to adopt, and then they become adoptive parents, but that's not what happens with the Wilsons. So, saying they adopted her, and then calling them her foster parents, gets confusing.

Back to language stuff. When the auditions are going on and we meet Maria and Afonso, Maria should be speaking Portuguese. I think you had her speaking Spanish, though. Could be wrong. I didn't look it up at the time—it's something I thought of many chapters later, and I didn't go back to check.

Names. I know you had a contest for readers to volunteer names for Y/n and several other characters, and it looks like you went back and added those names to some, but not all, chapters. There are still instances where Akira is called Y/n, and the nameless soulmates early on felt weird, so I was glad when they at least got nicknames. But, yeah, adding the names in when you finish and go back for an edit would be nice. Also, maintaining consistent spelling. Misspellings and alternate spellings of names are pretty common.

Extras (old rubric):

Title: Nice title. Has that ring of unrequited love, chasing something you can't have.

Just a note, and you don't have to implement it, but since this book is the fourth in a series, including that somehow in the title might be nice. It would tell readers who finished the third book where to go next at a glance, and it would tell new readers this isn't the first book, in case they want to go back and start with the first one. But you also don't want the title to get too long and clunky, either. Is the series "Soulmate" or "Soulbound?" You have "Soulmate" in the title and "Soulbound" in the blurb. Whichever it is, you could just stick a 4 right after that word, and that would be that.

Addendum: After reading the story, I know the series is called "Soulbound," so I'd recommend changing "Soulmate" to "Soulbound" in the title.

Cover: Only complaint I have here is the images of the people. They look too copy-and-paste, if that makes sense. Finding a way to blend them better with the background image, maybe with some fuzziness or fogginess around their outlines, would help eliminate that. But otherwise, I like the font style, color, placement, size, all that, and the image themselves. It's just blending the images together that would make this better.

Addendum: No change to your score or anything, but I wanted to say that I prefer this cover to the old covers you have listed in that chapter, because Akira's in this one. 🙂

Summary: When a prospective reader clicks your book title and gets that pop-up box of info, you want the first thing they read to be something that really hooks them and gets them to read more, which is your blurb. So, I would recommend moving the former title down to the bottom with the other info/credits (and change "formally" to "formerly"), and I'd recommend moving the excerpt down there, too. Using your section dividers to set the excerpt apart from the blurb and rest would be a good idea, too, so it's easy to tell what is what. Currently, the ellipsis (...) at the end of the excerpt bleeds into the ellipsis at the beginning of the blurb, so at first glance, the blurb is just a continuation of the excerpt. But they're two different things, and a section divider would work better to show that.

So, the actual blurb. First, like I said above, you can get rid of the ellipsis. I'm guessing Akira Sagami is the main character, so flipping that first sentence around to have her name first would be a good idea. Maybe something like, "Akira Sagami, a British girl, unexpectedly forms a connection with J-Hope, a skilled rapper and dancer from the widely acclaimed boy band BTS." That puts Akira first in the reader's mind so we know to focus on her and expect her to be the main character. The part of the sentence I left out there can become its own sentence: "But he immediately despises her at first sight." It's good to vary sentence length, anyway, to hold reader interest, and shorter sentences tend to help sharpen your hook. In the last sentence of that paragraph, is he disillusioned by love, too? It seems from the excerpt and the next bit about Dove that he still wants love, just not in the way dictated by the soulmate system. If he is disillusioned by love, too, I'd change "or" to "and," just to show that he doesn't differentiate between the two. If it's just the soulmate system, I'd cut "love or" and leave it at that.

The next two sentences should both end in question marks, and I like how you've set this up. Ending your blurb with a series of questions is a great way to hook reader interest, because the reader wants to know the answers, and they can only get them by reading. Separating those questions into single-line paragraphs also emphasizes each question, and ending the blurb with a short, pointed question that also uses the title is a very strong hook to keep reading. So, really, you have a great blurb with a lot of hook here. It's just a little buried right now, because it's not the first thing the reader sees. Bumping it up to the top will fix that really easily.

Addendum: After reading the story, I now know that Jhope is disillusioned by love and the soulmate system, so I'd definitely change "or" to "and."

Reader engagement: Well, aside from including questions at the end of each chapter soliciting reader feedback and running a contest where the readers got to choose character names, you also write the story in such a way that makes it hard not to comment. I'm a busy judge, and I had to stop and drop comments here or there, as you know. Some of your lines were just so good, I had to note them. Like Yoongi saying Jhope needed to be run over by a bulldozer. Love that line!

Plot uniqueness: You've taken the soulmate thing to a whole new level. There literally is one person for (almost) every person, and they can literally die without each other. Again, I didn't have time to go read the Soulbound Manual, but context clues and explanations throughout the story filled in most of the blanks for me. Gotta say, I would hate the system, too. How do you know if that person actually loves you? Would they, if it weren't for the soulmark? You don't even have to get to know a person. You just meet, and FATE forces you together. No choice at all. Well, there is a choice, but it can result in death or heavy financial penalties, so...no thanks.

Anyway, back to plot analysis, you also have Akira's intricate background story going on, plus all the trauma in Jhope's past, which has left him with an actual psychological phobia that needs treatment from a professional to help him get past it. Plot = unique.

Character development: I expect a lot of character development in a romance story, and it's disappointing how often there isn't any. But this is not an area where you struggle. We get to know Akira and Jhope, of course, with all the mess in their background that contributes to the mess of the story, and we get to see them grow and evolve as miscommunication and misunderstanding spirals out of control. And, of course, when they get together...ooh la la. You have the slow burn thing down. The sudden turn in their relationship to adorable newlyweds (or newly bonded?) is perfect. I can't tell you what happened to my heart when Jhope calls her sweetheart for the first time. *fanning self*

But you also develop pretty much every other character in the story, and there are a lot of them. I'm not ARMY, and I have only rudimentary knowledge of BTS, so throwing me into a group of seven characters I don't know could have been overwhelming—but it wasn't. Sure, I didn't know them, but it was like getting invited to a social event and meeting a whole new group of friends. I learned their characters, and they became distinct entities for me with distinct personalities.

There's also Dove's character development. When she's first introduced, there's some question about how innocent she really is, and while the reader gets suspicious immediately, there is some back and forth about maybe misreading her. But, no, as the story progresses, you gradually reveal her true nature. We get to know her, whether we like it or not, and the girl needs some therapy and an attitude adjustment.

And that's kind of how it is with everybody. You don't neglect any of the characters. They all matter, and they all get special treatment, and the reader gets to know all of them.

Writing style: Well, you have a very engaging writing style, and I know you're not a native English speaker, but this is overall a very readable, understandable story. I do have some suggestions that I think might help, especially with clarifying all the conversations (in person, on the phone, via text) in multiple languages (mostly English, Japanese, and Korean).

First, you can treat in person and phone conversations the same. Just use the usual double quotation marks and dialogue rules. More on that in the grammar/punctuation section.

As far as texting, this can get weird and confusing, but I've seen a few people do it in a way that really makes it clear. They start each line with the texter and a colon, and everybody except the main POV is left justified. The main person is right justified. So, like this:

Funsize: Hi! How are you?

Akira: Doing great! How about you?

Twinkies: Cut the small talk. We need the juicy details!

Samiya: She said she'll tell us at the party.

Funsize: I can't wait that long...😭

Akira: 😅

You could use a section divider before and after the text conversation, but I don't think you really need to, as the reader can pretty much tell at a glance what's going on, because it looks like a messaging app on your phone.

As far as all the language changes, you sometimes say in the dialogue tag that a person switched to Korean, or Japanese, or whatever, but with the frequent language changes, I'm sure that can get tedious as a writer. Another thing I've seen people do is make a language key right at the beginning, along with character info and glossary stuff. You would just put a note there saying this language is always written this way, and then the reader always knows. I think, in this story, keeping English in normal text, Korean in bold, and Japanese in italics would be good. And you can just make a note in the dialogue tags for the rare other languages that pop up here or there, like when we meet Maria at the auditions.

As a general rule, you don't want to use bold or italics too often in the narrative, because it gets distracting. The reader starts thinking about what the change in font means. Is this a flashback? A dream? A thought? What's going on? Why did the font change? You do have some flashbacks, but you already have them incorporated into the narrative, so you don't need to set them apart in italics or with section dividers or notes about going into a flashback. The flashback flows with the story, and the reader can already tell that's what's going on, so adding something extra to say explicitly what's happening is just distracting clutter.

I'd only note the POV if a scene is told exclusively from one person's POV. Most of the time, that isn't the case in this story. If Akira and Jhope are in the same scene, for example, you usually switch back and forth between them, and that happens with other characters, too; from Jhope to Yoongi to Dove or whoever else. It's always really clear who you're talking about, so it's easy to follow without a specific POV heading.

There are a couple of instances early in the story where you'll say something like "let me tell you in plain or British English" after a scene, but the entire story is already in plain English, and you don't repeat or retell the scene in the section following that statement. Again, it's a little distracting, and you can just cut that sentence out.

Adding a section divider before the author's note at the end of each chapter would be a nice touch. Also, there are places where you have parentheses following a word or phrase with some explanation that breaks the fourth wall, and even the occasional emoji, and that can distract from the story, so I'd recommend putting those things all down in the author's note. As far as definitions, just creating a chapter at the beginning of the story that's a glossary would be better than trying to define every unusual word in the text as it goes along. A list of character names and nicknames would be nice, too, as a non-ARMY like me gets a bit overwhelmed with all the different nicknames each band member has.

There are times that the dialogue feels unnatural. It reads like a big info dump or a big analysis of complex emotions and internal thought processes, something that works better in the narrative and doesn't feel like something a person would say in normal conversation. But I love the confessions Akira and Jhope say to each other, almost like wedding vows, and I also love the blessings Jhope's parents speak over them at the pre-engagement party. Those wouldn't be natural in most conversations, but they're perfect in these specific settings.

I mentioned in the descriptions section that you sometimes go into tour guide mode, and this is a lot more common earlier in the story when you use tons of images and videos in every chapter. It actually drags the pacing of the story down. There's just so much information, so many statistics and dates, and it's almost like I'm reading a Wikipedia article about BTS instead of a fanfiction about them. A lot, maybe even most, of that info isn't pertinent to the story, either. I don't need a play-by-play of BTS filming a Hyundai commercial. That goes way off track from the storyline. Just saying they filmed a Hyundai commercial, giving that as much mention as the when you say Akira sees Jhope in a Hyundai commercial later, is enough. And then there are all the specific notes about places, given in so much detail that I could plan a travel itinerary. Detail is good, but you don't need that much detail. It's just extra info that slows the story down.

Another thing that slows the story down at the beginning is all the repetition of Jhope's reservations about relationships and the soulmate system. His thoughts don't really change for a long time, so it's just the same thing, over and over again, reiterating that Dove cheating on him with his best friend hurt, and he can't trust anybody, and he doesn't want the system dictating his choice of a partner, again and again and again. I already read that. Repeating once or twice is fine, but until something changes, until Akira starts getting under his skin and his physical attraction forces him to reevaluate his mindset and why this bothers him so much, it's not something you need to say in every chapter.

There are some slang and shorthand things that show up in the narrative, and these should be written out completely. So, "tonite" should be "tonight," "nr" should be "number", "omg" should be "oh my god/gosh," that kind of thing. But, in speech, OMG is fine, because people actually say that.

For ages, you'll often say so-and-so was 12-13 when this happened, or 17-18 at that time. When you're writing this out in the narrative, you shouldn't use the hyphen. That's shorthand. You would say Akira was "12 or 13" when this happened, or Jhope was "17 or 18" at that time.

Similarly, with time, you usually use the format __h__. That shorthand is fine in the little scene settings before the narrative, but when you get into the story, and especially with dialogue, that's not how people talk. If it's 7:30 am, that's what someone would say, and you do use the __:__ a/pm format in a couple of places. I'd recommend using that format within the story.

Grammar/punctuation: Nothing makes me think harder about my native language than reading something written by a non-native speaker. English is weird. There are all these little phrases we use that I just take for granted until I see that phrase slightly wrong, and then I wonder, why is that the phrase, anyway? So, I noted things as I went for your reference. In double quotation marks is what you wrote, and following the arrow is what the phrase is supposed to be. And don't ask me why, because in a lot of instances, I don't know.

"Full of nonsense" -> no nonsense

"Stressed up" -> stressed out

"Little world" -> small world

"Blow up a casket" -> blow a gasket

"Catch rattlesnakes with bare hands" -> I have no idea what this one is supposed to be. There are a few times you use this or something similar with a snake, and it really feels like it's supposed to be one of those common colloquial phrases that everybody uses but nobody thinks about, but I can't figure out the original phrase.

There are also some words or phrases that you sometimes use incorrectly:

"Glance" -> a quick look toward and away; gaze does not linger

"Ashy" -> gray, sick, dying; not at all healthy (in the context of complexion)

"Out of sight" -> not visible to anybody; used in chapter 52 when Yoongi sees Jhope and Akira kissing, so would be better to say they're trying to be out of sight (since they obviously failed)

"Yelled in a low voice" or "shout softly" -> not possible, doesn't make sense; would be better to use something like whisper-yelled

"Asked" -> comes after a question, not a statement; used in a dialogue tag after a statement once

"Smirk" -> not a normal happy smile, usually means a smile is mischievous, arrogant, cunning, proud, something with a (potentially negative) ulterior motive behind it

"Discreetly" -> done in a way to prevent others from knowing, seeing, or hearing something; so, Jhope grabbing his hair in frustration and dropping onto the sofa isn't discreet

"On the other hand" -> used to show a contrast or a conflicting idea; you wouldn't expect C to follow from A, but it does (A _____, but on the other hand, C _____)

"Stroll" -> a lazy walk; Akira running away from Jhope is not a stroll

"Greetings" or "greet" -> a welcome, not a goodbye; used when someone starts a conversation, not when they end it

"Flustered face" and "unbothered" -> Both can't apply at the same time. If Akira's face is flustered, she is bothered, and she looks bothered.

"Carbon copies" -> Exactly the same. In chapter 66, you list Jiwoo and Jhope's differences, and then you call them carbon copies in the same sentence. That doesn't make sense.

And some word swaps:

"Die heart" -> diehard

"Reimaged" -> reemerged

"Cheer" -> sheer

"Ball" -> bawl (in the context of crying)

"Saki" -> sake (Japanese rice wine)

"Slit" -> slid (chapter 49)

"Carer" -> caregiver

"Bell" -> Belle (in the context of BTS members' soulmates; bell is the actual bell that you ring, but Belle is a woman with significance, like the Belle of the Ball)

"Unfeignedly" -> not a word, and I didn't jot down the context, so I have no idea what it's supposed to be here 😅

"Mesmerized" -> memorized

"Designed" -> destined (in a specific context that I did not jot down)

"Of cause" -> of course

A couple of repetitive things:

"Disneyland park" -> park is unnecessary

"My watashi no" -> "My" and "Watashi no" mean the same thing, so just one or the other. In the context, I'd say cut "watashi mo" (yay for actually putting my Japanese minor to use! 😅)

Formatting/structural issues, probably courtesy of Wattpad:

- Occasional missed paragraph spaces
- Occasional cut-off sentences, like you forgot to finish them

- Occasional repeated paragraph

Punctuation is a big area for improvement, especially with dialogue. There are often missing sets of quotation marks before or after dialogue, or extra sets within the dialogue. You just need one set of opening quotation marks and one set of closing marks, no matter how many sentences. If there's no break in the dialogue to show an action, keep it all together. As far as punctuation to end dialogue, that depends on if/how you're leading into a dialogue tag. The dialogue tag says who is speaking and how they're saying it.

If the dialogue tag is an incomplete sentence, you lead from the dialogue into the tag using a comma in place of a period, a question mark if the last part of the dialogue is a question, or an exclamation mark for surprised or angry outbursts.

"Jhope doesn't like me," Akira said gloomily.

"Jhope doesn't like me?" Akira asked, heartbroken.

"Jhope doesn't like me!" Akira shouted angrily.

If the dialogue does not lead into a dialogue tag, or that tag is a complete sentence on its own, use a period, question mark, exclamation mark, or ellipsis for that trailing off effect.

"Jhope doesn't like me." Akira sighed and turned away.

"Jhope doesn't like me?" Akira felt as though her heart were breaking.

"Jhope doesn't like me!" Akira stomped her foot angrily.

"Jhope doesn't like me..." Akira trailed off, unable to say anything more.

Another thing with dialogue is to separate speakers and actions. So, if Akira is saying something and doing something, that should all be in one paragraph. Then, when Jhope says or does something in response, that should be in another paragraph. It gets confusing if, for instance, Akira says something, and then right after the dialogue, Jhope does something, and then there's a new paragraph with his dialogue. That makes it seem like Jhope is the person who spoke in the previous paragraph. Doing something like this makes it clearer:

"You don't like me," Akira said miserably.

Jhope clenched his jaw. "I didn't say that."

Akira shook her head. "You didn't have to."

And when you're quoting something outside of dialogue, use double quotation marks. If you're quoting something inside dialogue, use single quotation marks.

Is that the "nice surprise" he told you about? You weren't sure.

"Jhope, is this the 'nice surprise' you told me about?" Akira asked.

At the beginning of the story, you overuse ellipses a lot. They're only for that trailing off effect, or to show a long pause or gap in a person's speech. Most of the time, a period or comma would work better. But you kind of fixed this yourself as the story progressed by moving away from using ellipses so often to use other punctuation, so I'm guessing you would automatically fix this anyway when you finish the story and come back for an edit, but I thought I'd point it out, just in case.

The story is overall written in second person (you/your), with Akira being the center, but you slip occasionally into first person (I/me), and sometimes third person (she/her). Keeping it all in second person is important to prevent confusion. Similarly, you flip-flop between writing in present tense (she is/they are) and past tense (she was/they were), and it's important to pick one and stick with it. I think overall, the story is in past tense, but especially at the beginning, it was hard to tell, because it changed so often. Again, this is something you improved as the story progressed, so I may not even need to say anything, but here you go, just in case.

Last thing, there are occasional pronoun mix-ups: them/their where it should be he/his or she/her, a rare he/his that should be she/her, that sort of thing.

But, overall, this is clear, understandable writing, and while there are errors, I can tell you that this is still a lot more readable than some stories written by non-native English speakers (and some native ones, too). And, as I noted, it seems like you're figuring things out and fixing them as you go, so you may not even need all of that, but I just wanted to point out the things I saw and hopefully be helpful, since my language is so messed up. 😅