Title: carte blanche by camillanima
Source: Review Shop by TheBlossomCommunity_
Genre: Romance, Science Fiction
Subgenre: Dystopian
Mature: Y (blood, discrimination, medical depictions, mild swearing, slut-shaming; mentions of abuse, public execution, rape, torture, and violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
First impressions: 33/40
Digging deeper: 81/100
Final thoughts: Complete
Special note: Chapter five was the last available chapter as of the completion of this review.

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

First impressions total: 33/40

Title: 9/10
Well, kudos for making me Google your title. I always love having to Google words. Complete freedom to act as you think is best. That fits very nicely with your dystopian society outlined in the blurb. My only complaint here is that the title isn't capitalized.

Blurb/synopsis: 8/10
This runs a bit long for my taste, but it does a nice job of introducing the book without going into spoiler territory. Dystopian society, microchips in people, everything dictated by the government, and then a pesky love triangle because someone dares to listen to her emotions, leading, of course, to her involvement with an underground rebellion. Sounds interesting. Count me in.

You tend to overuse commas (which I notice because my editing tool is always calling me out for that), so you could probably cut a few of those out. For example, in the second paragraph, you could cut the commas after "place" and "see." The hyphen in the third paragraph kind of disappears in the text, so I'd recommend setting it apart with spaces on either side ( - ) or using an em dash (—, Alt + 0151). The past/present tense gets tricky, but I think you're good except for "wanted" in the fourth paragraph, which should be "want," and "found" in the fifth paragraph, which should be "finds." Ending with a question is a great hook, so good job there.

Cover: 9/10
I love this cover. It's so unique. The realistic gray-scale image of a sad woman, possibly trapped inside a computer and trying to get out, glitch lines in the background, old-fashioned pop-up boxes—love it. I would recommend bumping up the font size for your name, at least, and potentially the other text above and below the title, as the only bit I can really make out is "A Dystopian Novel." Actually, I thought your name wasn't on this cover until I took a closer look, so you definitely should do something to make that more visible. Maybe move "A Dystopian Novel" to the blue bar and put your name below the title? I don't really know how you could make your name bigger otherwise without having to mess with the size of the blue bar.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 7/10
Carte blanche: Can I just say I love the content warnings? Too many people leave these out, but they're really important, and not just for people who prefer to avoid reading certain things. There are plenty of people with traumatic experiences in their past that don't need to be re-traumatized by reading something they could have avoided. So, thank you. 🙂

Also, I appreciate your editing/reworking to turn this from a Romance novel into more of a Sci-Fi novel, which was your original intent when you wrote it. I have a fantasy novel that needs similar attention...when I can get to it. ;)

Dedication: Aw, this is really sweet. 🙂

Chapter 1: This is an interesting start. The main character is already in a state of discontent with her life and the government, which I didn't expect. I thought maybe she'd be all-in with the propaganda at first, and then start to reconsider everything she knew as emotions interfered, so to have her already in a position that leaves her open to rebellion adds a lot of tension right from the start. You're dropping hints very neatly throughout the chapter detailing why she may feel that way, such as limited rations, no family, a dead-end career, fear of retribution for something as simple as not clapping long enough. And, of course, we have a guy who's interested in her right away, although who he is and whether he'll be part of the love triangle, we don't know yet.

The indoctrination into government ideology is really well-done, too. I wasn't expecting ARIA to be AI, but that makes sense in a society dominated by logic and technology. Another interesting choice you've made is the parents playing such a huge role in teaching their children to conform. A lot of dystopian stories separate the parents from the children to remove the emotional aspect of their relationships and keep the parents from teaching their children the "wrong" thing, but the main character here is at a distinct advantage because she doesn't have parents to help brainwash her.

The biggest grammatical error I see here is verb tense. I honestly don't know how to classify this, because it changes from present to past tense so frequently that I can't even say one is dominant. That's something that needs to get ironed out, because it gets pretty confusing. Is the main character telling the story now, as it happens, or is she telling us a story that happened in the past? Obviously, there are references to past events, even in a present tense narrative, but the events occurring in this chapter are referred to in present and past tense, often in the same paragraph. Deciding which tense you want to use and then sticking with it is really important. If you're not already using an editing tool, I'd recommend looking into one that supports your English usage, because it can get a feel for the overall tense of a piece of writing and start marking verbs that may be in the wrong tense for you to review. The one I use is the free version of ProWritingAid. It's not perfect, of course, and no editing tool will be perfect, but it's helpful for me. It's also my comma corrector, because, as I mentioned in my feedback about the blurb, that's a common area where I make mistakes.

But, anyway, this is already going in a direction I didn't expect, which has me very curious to see where it's going.

*****

Digging deeper: 81/100

Cover & title: 9/10
See "First Impressions" feedback.

Blurb: 2/5
The lower score is only for the SPAG mistakes (excess commas, verb tense issues). Without those, I would have put this as a five.

Grammar & voice: 5/20
Again, the lower score is only because of the SPAG errors. Verb tense is the main issue, as with chapter one, and I can now semi-confidently say that this story is predominantly in past tense, so I would recommend going back through and making sure all your verbs align with that. You can use present tense in the dialogue, of course, because conversations happen in the present for the characters, even if those conversations happen in the past for the reader, if that makes sense. Actually, I notice you run into issues where you'll use past tense in dialogue when it should be present tense, so I definitely suggest looking into an editing tool to help in this area, as I mentioned in my previous feedback.

Other than that, this is pretty clean writing. There are some areas of awkward or convoluted sentences, though. Editing tools can be helpful to catch these, but I think the best way to find and fix problem areas is just by reading your work aloud. If it doesn't feel natural for you to say, then you probably need to tweak it. You may even fix it automatically while you're reading it. Nobody's complained yet, but I now have a semi-permanent habit of whispering what I'm typing under my breath as I'm typing it, so...yeah, I definitely use that technique in my writing/editing.😅

So, for example: "I tried to bask in the warmth that emanated from Diwata's glow, but it might been too intense that it transformed into a numbing sensation that felt hollow and cold."

That just feels jumbled, and a big part of that is just word choice. Rewording a little and adding in a couple of commas makes the meaning clearer: "I tried to bask in the warmth that emanated from Diwata's glow, but it was too intense, and it transformed into a numbing sensation that felt hollow and cold."

Your punctuation with dialogue is refreshingly good. This is a very common area that trips people up, so I always love seeing dialogue that reads well and also sounds natural. There was one instance where you had a phrase in quotes in the narrative, but not in dialogue, and you put the comma outside the quotation marks. For that kind of thing, you would still keep the ending punctuation inside the quotation marks, just like dialogue.

Side note: I didn't realize until reading this story, or at least I didn't think about it before, but "console" meaning "to comfort" and "console" meaning "control panel" have the same spelling. Your first use of "console" came right after Pia got the Exorbit injected into her, and all the computer stuff going on while Agui was trying to comfort her tripped me up, which is why I Googled that.

But as for your voice, this is a very engaging, relatable read. You give plenty of descriptive detail that some people have trouble working into a first person perspective, and you definitely show Pia's personality throughout, which I'll get into later on. I'll just say here that I love the little bits of dry humor, and my favorite line is probably, "No wonder it was cringe." I jotted that down in my notes with an XD next to it.

Plot & pacing: 10/10
The full-fledged plot isn't in play by the end of chapter five, but you've set the stage very neatly for it. Pia is discontent with the restrictive dystopian system, and although she isn't rebelling yet, it's pretty clear it won't take much to push her over the edge. Her background is still largely a mystery, but we already know something went wrong with her Exorbit implantation, and her background may play a role in that. The way you include her new computerization into the story is really interesting. I think you could make it a little clearer with her first use of the Exorbit that the screen, buttons, and options she's selecting are all in her head or in her field of vision, but I caught on pretty quickly.

The ceremony with the Exorbit implantation was really, really well done. There was just so much going on there. People numb to the pain of others; ARIA explaining away all the negatives and highlighting everything in a way that made it all sound good; the tension between the two Healers; Pia's horrible experience—oh, you may want to add a content warning for medical depictions. I have a weak stomach, and I nearly threw up from that and the stuff with the IVs in the next chapter. But don't worry! I'm good now. Just had to take a break for a bit. 😅

The bits of world lore you insert into every chapter fit very nicely with everything we already know or guess. Class and race discrimination, food rationing, discrepancies between what the people are told and what is actually happening—none of that is really explicitly described, but it's all there, and it's easy to put the piece together with the context clues you provide. Pia's definitely smart enough to pick up on the weirdness. I'll get more into her relationship with Agui in the next section, but what could have been a straightforward relationship with him has gone off the rails basically from the start, and the gap between what Pia wants and what she gets is only widening.

And I have a hunch I know who the third party of the love triangle will be, but I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Characterization: 20/20
Well, obviously, you've done a great job with Pia. She's one of those characters that's instantly relatable, which pulls the reader deeper into the story right from the start. I love her sense of humor, as I've mentioned, and I also love her inner sass. I call it that because she can't really risk talking or acting out for fear of punishment, but in a less severe society, I could see her being the person who would tell you exactly what she thought without mincing words. She's a well-rounded character with inner conflict, emotional confusion, painful memories, a strong sense of justice, a compassionate nature, a sense of wonder for the little niceties she never had before she became a Keeper-in-training, and so much more. There's a lot to her.

That scene with her pushing the button to fix her room spoke a lot about her, especially with the family picture. Such a bittersweet moment there.

Also, the way you started the story off with no names until the ceremony was really telling. I wasn't sure if it was intentional until the Exorbit implantation, when they all received their names. Which makes me wonder, what did they call each other before that moment?

As for Agui...well, in my notes, I jotted this down: Agui! You idiot!

Seriously. Initiating contact with her at the beginning of the story, teasing her relentlessly, holding her hand to comfort her during the ARIA bit, tearing up about her bad reaction to the Exorbit, talking to her for a year—how dense is this man? All the signs point to him liking her, and at their first meeting in a year, he asks her what she'd think about him asking another girl out! Just...idiot! Also, the way he scared her was awful, and it would have been entirely natural for her to lash out at him for that, but she didn't, because she's nice, and she was still freaked out by other weirdness... *sigh*

I mentioned the tension between the Healers during the ceremony, but that was such a huge detail for me. The nice person who cares about Pia and hates what she has to do to her, and yet she's more skilled than the mean person who doesn't care about Pia or anybody else—that added a current of negativity running underneath the rest of the scene and really amped it up to make it more horrifying.

And I'm liking the little bits of detail you're dropping about the nameless Laborer. Part three of the love triangle? Hm...

Harmony within genre: 15/15
I'd say you've done a great job of realigning this as a primarily Sci-Fi/Dystopian story with Romance built in. Even if I hadn't read your note about that in the preliminary info, that's exactly how I would have classified this.

Originality: 20/20
Yes. Absolutely. This is nothing like any dystopian story I've read before, and as I said in my feedback about the first chapter, you've basically overturned all the expectations I didn't even know I had. Which is a good thing. There's a satisfaction that comes in knowing I saw something coming, but I really enjoy being genuinely surprised, too.

It's the little things. The way Pia accepts her computerization without question, pulling up menus and pressing buttons in her head as if it's the most natural thing in the world. The simple statement, "May the algorithm favor you." Describing a piece of food so the reader wonders what it could be, and then saying it's probably a cookie, based on descriptions of what real food used to be like. Cookies are foreign! That's so sad. 😢

Also, not sure if this is intentional or not, but "Taiyou" means "sun" in Japanese. So, I was totally picturing a drink that looked like Sunny D-lite whenever I read about the juice.

*****

Final thoughts:
In a post-apocalyptic country that used to be the Philippines, the government keeps the population in line with a strict class system, food rationing, and digitization of the people. But Pia isn't drinking the Kool-Aid. A severe reaction to her Exorbit implantation does not bode well for her desire to remain under the radar, however, and a further sign that the microchip didn't take correctly is her inability to receive a compatibility rating when she scans her crush. Of course, sympathizing with lower classes and people from different races is bound to get her in trouble, too. If this keeps up, she's bound to get in trouble. A lot of trouble. And if you think this is just another dystopian novel, think again. You've never seen anything like this.