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I lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me I'm here.
[Sylvia Plath]

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Dear Numbness,

You were considered a boon to some and bane to others. People said it was better to remain neutral in any situations and when I did, they called me heartless.

You weren't even considered as an emotion, you were just a cover -- waiting to be blown. It could be blown by someone who saw right through the mask, you were or when one crumpled down in the lonely bathroom stall and all the despair and malice and dread seeped through while you clasped a hand tightly on my mouth, not allowing them to escape out. You were never heard, you were felt, so strongly, so immensely that you could bring storms and change the entire maps of the plains of the heart.

Yet, there were people who would admire me because I had you. They said I was lucky to feel nothing, brave even. Even when I was hiding behind you. To remain calm in the storm, to smile in the face of danger but then do they not think or wonder what happens when I am happy? I fear it. When a tinge of happiness touches my lips, when it forms a curve, I still hide behind you. I have been hit back so many times that not allowing anything other than you to surface had become a habit. You were my only shield, but you cracked when I smiled. And I don't know if I should be happy or sad about it.

You had a soft spot for my happiness. I appreciated it, but does it come alone? There is always thunder with lightning, yin with yang and day with night. They come in pairs simultaneously. But you were stronger, stronger than all my questions and you stood there with cracks in your armour rendered like jewels.

You were my shield and you hurt me too. Your heaviness weighed too much on my heart at times and I collapsed. You shielded me in it's aftermath. It was funny how you caused the bruises and helped them heal too.

I was glad to have you, at times. You didn't let people see through me. That there were more colours filled in me other than you. And at other times, I would feel angered by you. Why, why must I hide all my colours? Why can't they see I am much more than that? Why can't you step down even though everything would hit me hard?

I called you my cover, I called you my shield but then you hit me and I had nowhere to weep. So in the end I had to run back to you because I had no arms to cry in. And we continued this madness side by side.

So let's stop now. And let others seep in, they may cut and pierce me and then you can act like my shield, instead of doing both the tasks yourself. Let's avoid each other until we can.

From,
your acquaintance.

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What is the emotion you feel the most?

Love,
Isla.