tw: a panic attack is mentioned and described in detail. during this panic attack, a character becomes frantic and disoriented, resulting in him trying to harm himself.

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JUNGWOO

his heart hurts.

it aches, turning his blood cold as it flows through his veins. he brings a hand up to check his pulse, make sure he's still breathing. he is.

it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

he bites his lip, blinking back tears as he retrieves his shirt from the floor and pulls it over his cold body. 

lucas rejected him. 

the boy he loves doesn't want to love him back.

all jungwoo wants to do is curl up and cry. he wants to go home and sleep for a year, but he can't do that--his brother is home on his break from university. he'll ask questions. everyone will.

so he leaves the locker room the way he found it, leaves the gym altogether. he climbs the stairs until he reaches the roof, walking to the edge and sitting down. it's raining, but he doesn't mind. he just pulls up his hood and looks at the city beyond him, the cloudy gray skyline, the shirtless boy running away from school.

he can see yukhei sprinting from here, but yukhei can't see him. maybe that's why it hurts so much when yukhei falls to his knees outside of the school gate, what was once his strangled scream devolving into a helpless sob. it's pitiful, and jungwoo wants nothing more than to hold yukhei in his arms, reassure him that everything is fine, that he'll be okay.

his heart pangs when he realizes that yukhei doesn't want that. not from him, at least, and not from any other boy. he wants a beautiful girl to hold, long hair to run his hands through, a duchenne smile to kiss. 

a girl, not  a boy.

and finally, after yukhei is done crying, when he has no more tears left to give, he stands, stumbling forward, past the school gates. 

away from jungwoo and everyone else who cares. jungwoo watches as he goes.

it's the last straw.

watching yukhei leave him, knowing that he's never going to be what yukhei wants... it's too much. he can't take it, he has to let it out, oh, god, he can't breathe, he can't--

"jungwoo!" someone says sharply. a pair of arms wrap around him and drag him away from the edge of the roof. "jungwoo, hey, calm down."

he can't breathe.

"ten," jungwoo cries out. he's crying, no, why is he crying, why is he--

"jungwoo, you have to breathe. can you do that for me?"

"ten, he's gone," jungwoo rasps. "i love him so much! why is he doing this? i..."

"who?!" ten asks, using his sleeve to dry jungwoo's eyes. "who, jungwoo? breathe, c'mon, you can do it. i know you can."

jungwoo's eyes dart around frantically, searching for a way out, something, anything. there's nothing. letting out a wrecked sob, he drags his hand down his throat, clawing underneath his hoodie. maybe if the vines went away, so would the pain.

his nails rake the skin above his sternum. it feels good.

"jungwoo, stop!" ten shouts, pulling jungwoo's arms back and holding his wrists in place. jungwoo fights against his grip.

"get them off!" he begs, hands clawing at the rain in a futile attempt to remove the vines. water fills his cupped palms. "please, just get them off, i want them off!"

"your hoodie?" ten asks. "jungwoo, it's cold, it's raining, you're--"

"the vines!"

"jungwoo, what--"

"the vines, ten, i can't--" he dissolves into a sobbing fit, and ten pulls him close. holds him until he can't cry anymore, until his breaths become even and his muffled screams turn his voice raw. jungwoo sits up, looking out at the courtyard, where yukhei had cried not even an hour ago. or maybe it was more than an hour, he thinks, frowning. either way, he's too broken to care.

there aren't words for this feeling, jungwoo decides, but if he had to choose one word to describe his current state of mind, it would definitely be broken. specifically heartbroken, but overall... just broken. 

ten wraps an arm around jungwoo, pulling him closer--but not too close. ten respects his boundaries. he understands that now, in this moment, jungwoo hates himself more than he probably ever will again.

the vines can't disappear, he knows that much. they're supposed to be a symbol of happiness, of acceptance. love. eyes stinging, he exhales shakily. if soulmarks are supposed to bring happiness, how could his hurt him so badly?

and the worst part of it all is that he loves the vines. he loves them almost as much as he loves yukhei. he loves the jasmine flowers that pepper the leaves, filling in the spots where his bare skin would show. he's grateful for that much. the jasmine is beautiful--almost as beautiful as yukhei. 

"the rain is easing up," jungwoo says monotonously. his hoodie is soaked, the rainwater seeping through the protective layer of the hood and into his hair. it drips down his face.

"you're going to get sick," ten says.

"yeah," jungwoo agrees, frown deepening. the clouds in the sky seem to get a little darker. 

"i'm serious, jungwoo. you're going to catch a cold, maybe even pneumonia."

jungwoo sighs. 

he can't really find it in himself to care anymore.

  ― 

xodaniel