As Leia stared at her daughter, thinking of all the ways she looked like her, all the ways she held herself up to her, all the ways she suffered like her, she found the balance between anguish and pride. Her daughter was so young, had seen so much, and had been missing for far too long. And now she was reunited with her family only to grieve again. 

Once more, the absence of Han and the lack of Luke's presence sent a sharp pain into her heart. She turned away from her daughter so she wouldn't have to see the grief that was clear on her face.

"Excuse me, General." 

Leia's first instinct was to ignore C-3PO, who meant well in his overbearing yet insistent attempts to get her attention. He was probably going to offer her advice on beating grief and focusing on the good side of life. Or he would make a comment about how all creatures were made to suffer, and therefore they shouldn't be too surprised when the suffering continued. 

She tried to ignore him, but the excited beeping of an impatient R2-D2 made her lift her head. She couldn't believe it. After years of R2 being shut down, unresponsive at the disappearance of Luke, he was beeping at her to get her attention once again. That sarcastic, rude, impatient droid that her brother loved so much. 

"Artoo may contain some much needed good news." 

"Tell me," she whispered. 

You left Poe's side and ran up to the droid. "Artoo!" you exclaimed. He beeped excitedly, knocking against your legs and shaking. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again, either. You've been here all this time? No, not me. I've been... I've been somewhere else." 

As R2 continued to beep about how glad he was to see you again, C-3PO touched your shoulder to get your attention. You turned around slowly to see another part of your childhood you could only now remember.

"Princess, it is so good to see you again," he said. 

You smiled. "It's good to see you too, Threepio." 

Everyone nearby gathered around R2. You stood next to Poe and your mother, staring impatiently at the incomplete map that would lead to Luke Skywalker. BB-8, Poe's own droid, rolled up to him and chirped. Poe nodded. "Yeah, all right. Hang on!" 

He retrieved the piece of the map that he and BB-8 had risked their lives to get only a day or two ago. It was impossible to fathom that only that small amount of time had passed. An entire lifetime had gone by since then. 

Poe placed the chip inside of BB-8's drive and the droid was able to project his share of the map with R2's. Everyone gasped in unison as the map became full and complete. Hope glimmered in your mother's eyes and reflected in her voice. Her hope gave you your own belief that just maybe, things would be all right again. 

"The map! It is complete." 

"Luke!" she whispered. Her hand found yours and she grasped it tightly. 

Your other hand grabbed for Poe's arm, just at the inside of his elbow. Your fingers clutched at the orange fabric of his jumpsuit. His eyes were glued on you as he covered your hand with his. 

Threepio looked at you. "Princess! You must go at once to retrieve Master Luke."

Your smile faltered. "What?"

"The location of Master Luke has been discovered. It makes the most sense for his one remaining student to go retrieve him and bring him back. Oh, and just imagine how he will feel to know that you are still alive! I can see the reunion now. The very last Skywalker returns to bring back a miracle. Going to find him---"

Going to find him. Going to find your old Master. Facing the plethora of unwanted memories your trauma had suppressed in your remembering. Gazing into the sad eyes of your uncle as you told him about the loss of your father. Having to break it to him that it was your brother that betrayed him and that you joined him, if he didn't know already. Having to stand there as a Skywalker that fell for the dark side and loved it.

Your gut twisted at the thought and you blanched. Mouth dry as cotton, you shook your head. C-3PO continued to gush at how great the reunion would be, how it would lead to the Resistance's victory, how it would make things right.

"No," you said, a tad harshly. C-3PO stepped back in shock, his arms jumping slightly. "I can't face him now."

"___," your mother muttered, smiling softly at you. "Luke would not look at you any differently than he did---"

"He would," you said, nodding insistently. Your voice dropped to a whisper. "Mama, you don't know what I've done."

What you had done could be forgiven by a parent or a friend. But by the cause? By the man that taught you the ways of the Force and how to use it for good? Could you really be forgiven by your uncle after how easily you turned to the dark?

"It wasn't your fault," she said.

No, it wasn't, but it was still your hands that killed Lor San Tekka. Your hands that slaughtered Resistance soldiers. Your eyes that gazed hatefully on men like Poe Dameron, who was squeezing your hand tightly, trying to remind you that he was there for you.

"I came back to be with my family. Not to join the cause." Leia fell silent. Disappointed in yourself, you pulled your hand away from Poe's and turned. "Excuse me---"

"___," he pleaded.

As you walked away, he followed you. You fled the scene with fear freezing your heart. The image of your disappointed uncle was all you could see. You were everything he never wanted you to be. You were everything the Jedi stood against. Fear. Hate. Anger. It all lived inside of you.

You tore the black cloak off of your shoulders, tossing it to the ground in disgust. Stepping over it, you looked to the trees, longing it to be a place to escape just as you did on Starkiller.

"Wait---" Poe's hand was grabbing your wrist again.

You turned and your eyes flashed as you glared at him. "Don't!"

He stepped back, hands pulling up in surrender. You saw him swallow hard and your shoulders fell. He was afraid of you and rightfully so. Your hand --- you hadn't even noticed, but it was on your lightsaber that was attached to your hip. Just as you always responded to Kylo when he approached you during a time like this.

You really hadn't changed at all. You'd only remembered.

"I don't... I don't want to go," you managed to say.

"Then don't," he said. "But don't leave."

"I don't belong here," you whispered.

"You can belong here," he insisted.

"No, you don't understand."

"Fine. I don't understand. Just don't leave. You asked me to stay once, and I'm asking you to stay now. I know that when you asked I still left, and so I am asking you to not be like me. I am asking you to see me here and choose to stay with me. If I lost you again, I just know I wouldn't be okay."

You knew the same. There was no way you would be all right to be without him now. You'd been torn apart time and time again, and for the first time in a long time, you were able to be together once more.

Your steps were clumsy as you moved forward to lean against him. You ducked your head to bury it in the crook of his neck and your arms wrapped around his middle tightly. He sighed as he wrapped his arms around you, moving his hand to the back of your head to keep you there.

"I can't be the Jedi you all expect me to be," you said.

"That's fine. I'm not expecting you to be anything except here."

Here.

That was something you could do. Something you had to do. Not because you were particularly wanting to be, but simply out of a desire to protect the few people you had left in your life. Kylo Ren had threatened to kill them all personally, either to bring you back to him once you were out of options or to weaken you enough to kill you after. If you weren't present to protect your mother, Chewie, or Poe, they would be killed all because you chose to leave your Master.

You gripped Poe a little tighter. You would do everything within your power to keep that man from touching him ever again.

Poe didn't let you go as everyone gathered around the hangar to say goodbye to Rey as she and Chewie journeyed to the island that Luke was hiding on. You listened to the cheers and watched the grateful faces of all those around you. Rey, the scavenger girl that was as new to this as you were, was what they were looking for in a hero --- in a Jedi. She was full of hope and courage, happiness and innocence. She had been given a difficult life and it hadn't hardened her.

She was everything you couldn't be. She was the true Skywalker they needed to look to.

As you listened to the cheers of strangers, watched your mother's teary eyes, and felt the grip of Poe's hand around your own, you wondered who you really were.

end of book i