tw: depression/suicidal thoughts/abusive parents
ODETTE | MOETTI

I COULDN'T BREATHE. All I could do was shake.

Despite the heaving of my chest, only slivers of oxygen entered my lungs. My ribs rattled against the legs I'd pulled up against them. Tears fell from my eyes and splattered against my bare knees. I bit down hard on my wobbling lower lip in an attempt to quieten my haggard gasps.

I need to be quiet. He can't find me, he—

But I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe— and when I could my nose was filled with rust.

Breathe, like your in the water. Everything is okay. Nothing—

Pain and shock took up the space for blood in my veins. I was so lightheaded, too lightheaded. I couldn't think. I heard rather than felt the back of my head hit the wall behind me. Yet the sharp grip I had around my numbing leg hadn't slacked in the slightest since I'd hidden in this corner.

"Lesedi, I-I need y-you. Why are y-you in Fra-France?" I could barely get the plea out, I was choking on my words, begging for a girl I only held back. "My n-new coach is so so mean, I miss Mori. She never, she never told. . ."

My mind went to the reason I'd gotten a new coach in the first place; Father. And just like that, I could no longer ignore the source of my despair.

I hadn't moved since I'd scrambled into the linen room but there was still a puddle of blood below me. It was warm. It didn't stop coming and coming and coming— even though my fingers gripped my calve. My hands were covered in it, toes too. In the dark, I knew my swimsuit was ruined. The taste of it clogged the back of my throat.

I hated it, hated it, hated everything.

Everything was ruined; my breathing, my timings, my leg. And Father was still looking for me.

And I still couldn't breathe.

"God, please, please, please. . ."

I didn't know what I was begging for. Salt water was rolling into my mouth but I couldn't stop asking.

"I don't— I don't wanna be here anymore. . ."

I wanted it all to stop. Stop, stop, stop! Why wouldn't it stop? Why—

A gasp was torn from my throat as my eyes snapped open and I sat up. My heart thundered in my chest and breaths fell fast from my lips. My wet eyes jumped over my surroundings; I was in my bed, in St Everfields dormitories.

It was just a memory. That was all in the past.

As the realisation bowled into me, the panic clutching my body drained out of me. I noticed the sweat that drenched my form, the salt rolling down my cheeks and the stinging crescents in my palms.

"Just a memory Odette."

My eyes slipped shut as I relaxed my fists and tried to focus on that fact. I pulled up a shaking hand to wipe my face and let out a just as weak exhale. Still, my stomach rolled with the haunting scent of blood and I staggered to the bathroom.

I held myself over the toilet seat and had to count back from fifty to fight off the nausea. The countdown didn't do anything for the phantom-feel of stitches in leg. I didn't dare look over my shoulder to double-check if I'd undergone surgery in the night.
 
Despite my churning stomach, nothing came up and I eventually lifted my clammy form. I ended up leaning against the closed bathroom door, panting in air I was trying to convince myself was clean. Once I was sure I'd reigned back enough memories threatening to drown me, I threw my gaze to the time on corner of the mirror.

It was way too early, a great way to start the day.

I needed to do something to distract myself. The past felt too-alike to the present and I was struggling to find the difference between either. I couldn't afford to have another break down. It would never be fair to wake up Lesedi at such odd hours over something that had happened in the past. Over something she felt guilty over not being there for.

Frustration bubbled under my skin as I got ready to go to the gym. I couldn't go to the pool. Just the idea of swimming nearly sent me back over to the loo. I knew I needed to get rid of all the flighty energy building in my chest before I acted on it by doing something reckless.

The quickest way, and only option left, was by wearing out my body. Skating was no longer a choice with my current dilema. Even though I doubted even Kaede would be up right now, I didn't want to risk it. Especially not with the nightmare I just had and the fear still running through my veins.

I went through the motions and wasn't surprised that I found myself staring at my reflection when I'd finished. My anger wasn't hidden: I could see it in my clenched jaw and the flare to my dark eyes. I couldn't help but glare at the browns I'd gotten from my father, hating the fact I shared something with him in this moment.

Was I really not good enough? Was it not enough that I looked like him for him to treat me properly?

Would I ever be good enough?

I bit down on my lips, hard enough to sting, and blamed that for my prickling eyes. I pressed against my sternum, above the jumper I'd pulled on, in an attempt to steady my breathing.

Stop thinking, just breathe.

Unlike my dream, after repeating the phrase to myself a few times, I was stable enough to leave the bathroom. It was only when I was leaving the dorm with my bag slung over my arm and lips set into a thin line, that I realised I'd pulled on cycling shorts instead of trackies.

It couldn't be bothered to turn back and change so I'd live with having my legs exposed for a couple hours. It made me more relieved that the gym space was empty when I finally arrived. I gave the large area a once-over as I pulled on my Maxes.

Empty, just like I wanted it.

I headed to the female locker-room to drop off my bag. I used my usual locker, number seven, and slid the keys against the magnetic case of ny phone. I sat on one of the many benches in the grey-themed space to say my pre-workout prayer. In my panic, I'd forgotten to do my wake-up prayer so I was going to combine them both instead of feeling guilty and pretending it didn't happen.

After thanking Him for His protection and allowing me to see this new day, I moved on to my workout prayer. "You have made me as strong as an ox, gifting me muscle, bone, and breath, strengthen my body, which is Your Temple, as I work with my hands. Remind me that physical traning is Your gift, yet traning for godliness is much better. Keep me from comparison, lead me into gratitude as my physical strength grows. I ask you to strengthen my spirit all the more. This time is yours to use I surrender it to You, The Ultimate Body-bulder."

I'd found the prayer online during the summer. The amount of bible verses it was rooted in made me screenshot it with the intent to remember and after reciting it so many times, I knew it off by heart.

Done, I took my phone and keys to the warm-up space. I didn't hesitate to start stretching and I soon felt the tension in my body from my flashback slipping away. The familiar tug and release calmed me and I closed my eyes as Frank Kirklin's Smile pooled in my ear. The remnants of my dream eventually lost their grip on my mind as I finished my routine.

Feeling lighter, I moved on to the treadmill. I forced myself to gradually increase my pace instead of starting at top speed. On beep test mode, I focused on testing my limit. The speed went up on it's own without me having to tweak it. The repetitive strain and relax of my leg muscles calmed me further and I was able to take my first, proper, breath since waking up.

I didn't track the time but when my phone lit up with a notification, I knew that I hadn't had long enough to myself.

Was that them?

The thought surprised me and threw me off enough to make me stumble. All the stress I'd shed, clung back on to my skin and there was no way I could balance myself.

I fell backwards off the treadmill but my skating instinct kicked in. Before I hit the floor, my chin tucked in and I angled my weight so I ended up landing on my right cheek before my hands came down on the floor too.

"Ow, ow, ow."

It didn't mean it didn't hurt. Pain lanced up my bum from where it had hit the floor and I wished I'd worn joggers. I don't know if it was the ache, the shock of falling or the terror spiking my heart from the phone I couldn't take my eyes off, but my eyes teared up.

Why was I so dramatic?

I tried breathing through my nose as I waited for the throbbing to wade away. Regardless of my tries, the pangs only intensified and my irritation bubbled until it spilled over.

What was the point anymore?

It seemed as though that heavy thought gave my brain the green light to remind me of everything that wasn't going my way. Having to sacrifice my skating to live my life the way someone else wanted, loosing my first possible friend over things I couldn't control, the lack of control I had over my own life, Remington being on my back more than ever, the homework pile that was growing by the day, and my parents— it always came back to my parents.

I pressed my palms against my burning eyes.

Was this going to be how the rest of the year went? Why couldn't I live like everyone else? Was I the problem?

I felt tears trace down the sides of my face and couldn't find it in me to stop them. I hated that I was crying in the first place, even moreso that it was somewhere public like this. The pain crushing me wasn't even physical, but it had me leaving marks on my lips to keep any sounds from leaving.

What was wrong with me? Why did I keep trying? God, why did you make me this way?

I was in the middle of pacing my breaths when I heard quick footsteps approaching. Embarrassment was soon overpowered by my tiredness. Whoever it was could leave me alone. 

I heard a click and the treadmill, I hadn't noticed was still running, quietened. Then I sensed the heat of another person sit next to me. I didn't want to see who it was, but his voice gave him away.

"Are you okay? Have you hurt anything? Want me to take you to the Hospital wing? Ring the emergency number?" Low and cautious, it gave me deja vu.

Kaede Hayashi had found me when my world felt like it was crumbling again.

My eyes welled up again at the turn of events. I'd been trying so so hard to avoid him but we still managed to cross paths.

"Do you want me to get you some water?" Worry hushed his voice but I couldn't help but be thankful for him for not pressing.

It was only then I noticed the dryness of my throat. Plus, I wanted a chance to pull myself together and look somewhat presentable. It was humiliating to cry in front of people you weren't close too.

"Yes please," was my hoarse response.

His presence disappeared and I used the opportunity to mop up my face.

I hated that I was so stressed that I couldn't even work out like a normal person. That I overreacted to a notification in the first place. I hated that we'd managed to find each other again, that despite my efforts everything was proving futile.

That no matter what I did, I wouldn't get what I wanted. I'd given up skating for what? What good had it done me in the end?

I hate everything.

His shadow fell over me before he'd arrived. "I didn't know if you wanted cold water or not but I went for cold since you've just been exercising. I hope it's okay that I made the decision for you. I can still swap it for a room-temp one if you want?"

Okay, not everything.

His quiet ramble reminded me of the one he'd had about apples in the Kitchens. I was struck with the same thought I'd had then; he was a little like me.

It gave me the push to converse with the guy who'd been in so many of my thoughts. "It's fine. . .thank you for being so considerate."

He was silent for a moment but I could feel his eyes tracing the skin of my face. I thought we were just going to stay that way, him looking at me, me looking away, when he sat down beside me. He was arranging his muscled legs so he could cross them and for a moment I was dazed at the large form in front of me.

He held a tanned hand out to me, the bottle he'd gotten for me dwarfed in it. "Drink up, we don't want you dehydrated."

"Thank you." I didn't dare meet his eyes, I didn't want to know what was in the cloudy abyss.

The bottle was cold like he'd said, covered in a layer of condensation. Our fingers brushed as I took it off him and the stark difference in heat almost made me drop it.

"Careful." Kaede's soft warning fell in a low tone and made my face heat.

Did he think I was pathetic? Was he disappointed that I didn't live up to the image my parents had crafted? That I wasn't strong and independent?

"Are you sure you don't want me to get you a different one?" His voice was soft and I half-wondered why he was treating me so kindly. "I can still go."

Had he noticed that I'd been avoiding him this whole week? Would he still be acting this way if he did?

"It's fine, I promise." Instead of fiddling with the bottle, I opened it, whispered a prayer to God, and drank.

Under the guise of drinking, I finally shifted my gaze in his direction. He was in a grey body armour top that emphasised his biceps and went with his eyes. It only made his skin look more tan, made him look more warm. He was still crossed-leg but sat a safe distance away. Far enough that I didn't feel overwhelmed and close enough that I didn't feel alone.

"You've come so far Odette, you're only a loser when you decide not to get back up."

His words took me by surprise and forced me to look up. It was like he'd heard my earlier thoughts and was speaking regarding that.

I hadn't had much of a chance to look closely at his face, so I noted all his unique details. His nose was long but small and suited his chiselled face. Sun-kissed skin stretched over his high cheekbones and his thick, angled brows gave him an impression of being perpetually pissed.

Or me inconveniencing his morning workout had brought that feeling out in him.

I turned my eyes to the glass ceiling with a sniff, in an effort to pull myself together in front of the basketballer. "That's very nice of you to say, but I. . .I don't think there's a point anymore."

I didn't even know what my whisper was referring to, one problem? All of them?

It was like my sorrow was resurfacing with the aim of engulfing me.

"You can't have become Captain by giving up, y'know?"

The way his biceps swelled as he crossed them over his chest distracted me from my inner-turmoil for a moment.

What I'd give to have even half of those.

I forced myself to meet his greys. "I'm not captain."

"Sorry, I just thought. . ." His eyebrows dipped and his lips pinched like he needed a physical barrier to hold himself back. "What's stopping you?"

"Lots of things." I mumbled, placing my chin on a knee. "Everything."

"Everything?"

"Yeah." Or it felt like it at least.

I glanced up to spy a slight curve on his lips and wondered what he found so amusing. I walked through our conversation in my head and it didn't take me long to realise.

Regardless of my personal issues, my parents were right about one thing. I lived a privileged life that many kids my aged dreamed of. 'Everything' didn't stop me, at best my thoughts did.

I felt my face heat and my other hand covered the bottom half of my face. "That was so dramatic wasn't it?"

"You said it not me."

We stared at each other, the beginnings of smiles on our lips.

I looked away first, clutching onto the lightness of the peaceful moment. "It's fine, I don't wanna be Captain anyway."

"Any reason in particular?"

My parents would expect more than I could sacrifice.

I didn't answer him straight away, focused on locating the source of the twangs running up my leg. I traced my skin until I found the bruise on my knee. I focused on prodding it instead of meeting his clear eyes.

"I'm too busy and I'm not cut out for it." I shot the question back at him. "What made you want to be cap?"

I needed a distraction.

His eyes widened as if he didn't expect it and he looked away to scratch his head. "I doubted I'd get it when I applied but I've seen good leadership in action all my life. I wanted to show that to others."

I stared at him for a moment. In all his shyness, the rose to his cheeks, the fiddling to the wooden cross hanging from his neck. His averted cloudy-gaze, the inside of his mouth that was a victim to his chewing.

Cute.

It seemed like he couldn't take the weight of my eyes for much longer as he stood up. "Do you want any help up? You still haven't told me if you're okay or not."

"I'm fine, nothing a good epson bath can't fix." I lifted my eyes to his and held my empty hand to him. "But I would like some help up, thanks for offering."

It was good to know that all my crying hadn't repulsed him.

I was startled out of my thoughts when I realised he'd bent down so our faces were near each other.

"Am I alright to touch you here to pull you up?"

One of his large hands clasped mine but the other stayed in the air beside my hip. Even though he wasn't touching me there, the heat of his hand caused my hairs on my neck to stand on end.

I slowly nodded, stuck in his grey pools. They seemed endless but heavily guarded, like a million thoughts could be battling within him and I'd have no clue.

"I need words Odette."

Goosebumps covered my skin at his voice and I had to remind myself to breathe.

What was up with me?

I turned away from his face so I wouldn't stammer. "Yeah it's fine, um, you have my, er, word."

He looked at me a moment longer. Using the hand that had settled on the curve of my hip to support me, he tugged me up with the other. His touch felt like it was burning through my cycling shorts. I bit down on my lip as a shiver raced down my spine.

Like last time he'd helped me up, he'd tugged me close enough to him that I caught a whiff of his scent. Despite us being in the gym, he smelt heavenly. A lot of guys at St Everfields thought that expensive meant good when it came to cologne. However, whatever Kaede had on was masculine and divine, with soft undertones of Blue Jeans.

"You alright? Am I good to let go?" He looked down at me but I was too flustered to meet it.

"Y-Yeah. Thank you." I hoped he didn't catch the slight tremor to my hands.

His eyes were still trained on me as I tried to chill-out. To do something with my hands, I took another sip of the water he'd gotten me. As my heart rattled in my chest, I waited for him to say something.

Had anyone told him about his stare? He had a tendency to make it seem like he was unveiling all my layers until he reached my soul. He barely knew anything about me, yet just meeting his gaze felt like it was only a matter of time before he found all my secrets.

He slowly nodded as if confirming something he'd thought of and for a fleeting moment I wanted to ask what. "Even if you're not captain, there's a gift inside of you that anyone with eyes can see. God's put it inside you for a reason, He doesn't make mistakes. I know we're not close but if you need an ear I'm always around."

It was like he'd had a little poke around my head earlier. I knew without a doubt, that it was God speaking through him. I almost felt ashamed of my earlier thoughts but God wanted the raw me not not a façade. Regardless of it all, He always acted in love, not in condemnation.

I dipped my head as my fingers fiddled with the lid of my water. "Thank you Kaede, really."

Thank you God for always speaking.

I only hesitated a beat longer before grabbing my phone and keys from the holder in the dormant machine. I knew Kaede enough to know he would keep quiet about catching me cry ( again ) ; he honestly seemed like a really nice guy. I could see why Jae had dated him; he seemed like he'd be a good boyfriend.

My eyes trailed over to the boy who's words were circling my head. He'd headed over to the benchpress on the other side of the room. He was adjusting the weights to his liking, adding on more than I'd ever dared too. I half wanted to question if it was safe for him to do so without a spotter, but I remembered how big his muscles were. Plus how easy he'd lifted me up earlier. If anyone was capable of knowing their limit, it was him.

I chewed my bottom lip and watched him effortlessly finish a rep before nodding to myself.

He'd have asked if he needed any help.

I headed in the direction of the girl's locker room, too tired to continue exercising. Not to mention put-off at the idea of continuing with Kaede present.

Like the main area of the gym, the changing rooms were bright and I didn't have any shadows to hide in. I stopped by the mirror, my catching my reflection not for the last time. The early vexation that sharpened my features had faded away at least. But my eyes were a little pink and my lips were a little raw.

I rubbed at my face while I tried to figure out where to go from here: I'd acted like a martyr and it hadn't ended in my favour.

Kaede was a genuinely nice guy and I hadn't met any besides Theo. . .who wasn't all that nice to me now. The thought of pushing him away now left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Despite my feelings on the matter, our acquaintanceship had to come to an end. Even if it was the first time someone had tried to befriend me in years. I had to do it for my mental state, if only to stop the past from repeating. To stop my nightmare memories from playing out in the present.

It felt crazy, ridiculous, insane to even consider saying no to a friendship with him. But my scar throbbed with a phantom ache and my eyes had never looked as bright as before I'd gotten it. My nails dug into the cuts I'd made in my palms this morning.

The best thing to do was to stay away.

He'd forget about me after a while which would be the best for both of us. I'd soon become another face in the sea of students he saw everyday. I wouldn't have to worry about the other shoe falling. I'd no longer be exhausted from waiting and waiting and waiting for a battle from my parents to arrive.

I nodded, set in my decision. My browns drew back to the determined-looking girl in the mirror.

Although a small part of myself wished I could have my cake and eat it by asking Kaede to keep everything a secret and befriend him. That option would only raise any suspicions he had, plus him being quiet wasn't guaranteed. I didn't know him like Jae did. Sure she said he didn't make it his priority to gossip, but I couldn't take any chances.

I couldn't risk it. I couldn't. Not when the storms I'd faced from my parents weren't things you were sure you'd survive until you were on the other side.

And this storm hadn't even struck yet.

EL SPEAKS !
so how do OG readers feel about this taking place in the gym this time instead of the court? and with odey tripping over on skates less this time around 🙈 ik yall were sick of me 😭😭

anyways the concussed kaede arc is upon us 🤭🤭🤭 OG's know how it went downnn. trust i made it so much more heart-tugging. idk if yall will wanna fight me or kiss me but 🙈🙈

HOWEVER i'm off to uni to move in for freshers this saturday so idk if the next update will be delayed or just cancelled for next week. i really dont wanna rush editing the next chapter because its so key to the plot going forward and i want it to read like it's supposed to, but i also dont wanna underprioritise uni so 😼😼 will let youse know closer to the date how its looking

hope you enjoyed today's chap!  VOTE and COMMENT it helps my book reach more ppl who might like it‼️
hope youse have had a good day 🫶🏽 rant to me if it wasn't 😠🫶🏽

( posted; 08/09/24 )