03

e l o i s e

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Hindi ako makagalaw sa aking puwesto. Feeling ko, nakadikit ang aking pantalon sa sapin ng higaan. Kahit anong lakas ng aking pag-iisip, 'di ko magawang ihabol ang aking sarili sa mga utos nito.

"Na-narinig mo ba lahat ng sinabi ko?"

Even without asking him, I cannot withdraw or at least deny what I've verbalized. His answer will always turn out to be a three-letter word, yes!

"K-kanina ka pa ba na-nakikinig sa'kin?"

There is an inch of shame in my voice when I asked him. I tried not to tremble and give him a grace-under-pressure look. Keeping him with my pretentious smile would at least lead him not to think about my thirty-minute monologue.

"Baka naman pwede mo na akong bitiwan? I'm not used with someone's embrace," nagawa kong magsalita ng deretso kahit ikinahihiya ko ang aking sarili.

Should I really feel be ashamed after I outburst my mourn to my parent's death? Or may I excuse my self for being weak? But to him, I could definitely say that nothing's a big deal -- just my other thought of running away from my disgrace.

"Sorry, if I--"

"I think, I just listened to a brave and well-rounded woman," ngumingiti siya.

I'd like to detach myself from my flesh and bones. This malu -- where I become more apparent, awkward and inferior -- bragging my low esteem. Everything evaporates especially the moment our eyes met; I just found myself sharing a bedroom with a stranger!

"Nahihiya ka ba?" paghahabol niya.

Should I really be mad of myself, shouldn't I?

Not only to the extent of his contagious smile, but he also exudes cuteness. He's not an ill-favored even though he has gone his clear complexion.

"Are you thinking 'bout-"

"Hindi! I'm checking your condition," I cut him off.

Naramdaman ko ang pagbitiw ng kanyang mga yakap. It feels like a crown being passed to the successor. With my position next to him, I don't expect that he will comfort me. But now, there he is, he has the sound of a steward; appointed to be responsible for me.

"I'm okay. . . but," tumitingin siya sa akin at unti-unti niyang hinawakan ang aking braso.

Dahan-dahan akong napatingin sa kanyang paghawak; maingat at nakakagaan sa pakiramdam. Ngayon ko lang ulit ito nadama. Matagal na panahon na'ng nakalipas simula nang una ko itong naramdaman -- sa paghagkan ng mga yakap ni Papa sa akin; simula nang yakap ko pa aking mga magulang.

". ..you come here and it's a rightful feeling to say that you're lucky also," bahagyang umiwas ako ng tingin; ayokong tinititigan ako sa mata.

Did I hear him right, didn't I? Ako ang nagmukhang pasyente sa aming dalawa. I should have asked him, I should have checked him, this might not happen if I did so.

"I am being weak also. .and a whining schoolboy back then," pagkukuwento niya.

Me, at this moment -- is being awkward. If I will look at him and listen may change my grace and elegance? Just to make this clear, I'm having a hard time deciding if I will look back and listen.

Look back and listen.
Look back and listen.
Look back and listen.

What will I do if my mind kept on repeating that phrase? Dapat ba akong umalis at hayaan siyang habulin ako? Well, that last question is irrelevant, isn't it? As if naman magpapahabol ako sa kanya; as if na makakatakbo siya kahit na sariwa pa ang kanyang mga sugat sa binti.

"Alam kong nahihiya ka sa akin. You have been undecided of looking back or ignore me, haven't you?" sa isip-isip niya'y 'di rin pala siya mapakali dahil sa mga kinikilos ko.

"No, I'm just looking for my phone," I answer.

"Totoo nga ba talaga na cellphone ang hinahanap mo?" nagtataka niyang tanong.

Ang hilig mong magtanong, pwede ba manahimik kang gag* ka!

Napakagat labi ako; 'di ko ugaling magmura sa aking isip. He has asked me, not just once but... okay....time to revert my attention to him. In that way, he may stop asking further.

"Bakit ano sa tingin mo ang hinahanap ko?" I ask him.

Tumitingin siya ngayon sa side table; nakikita niya ang kasinungalingan na ginawa ko. At doon ko napagtanto na hindi ako naging magaling at maingat sa pagsisinungaling. He has the quickest mind of knowing whether I'm telling the truth or I'm just making a weave; though I'm not good at sewing.

"Alam ko," siya.

"I'm sorry if I'm not good at--"

"Telling a lie?" tinatanong niya ko. Ulit.

Bahagya akong tumalikod. Nag-isip. How could I end this conversation? Should I leave him and never come back? Okay, I think I need to deal with this stranger fair and square. I don't want to cheat and enjoy my ill-gotten gains. To grease someone's palm is what I hated, I don't want him to think of me in that way.

"It was never a lie," I defend.

"So what do you call it?" dahan-dahan niyang tiningnan ang aking cellphone. Now, he's sure that earlier, I am lying through my teeth.

"T'was an excuse," ako.

"Pft," tinatawanan niya 'ko. "Again, you're making another lie," pagdudugtong niya.

"How can you say so?"

"It's up to you, even if you deny it, you will always distinguish if it's a lie. . .by your heart," he construes.

Without thinking further and farther, this would not change the fact that -- I'm a liar!

"Kanina pa kita gustong--" hindi ko siya pinatapos ng kanyang sasabihin.

"Wala bang masakit sa'yo?" I start to change the topic. But it doesn't mean that I'm accepted, he would intend the thought of how I lie to him.

"Alam mo ba kung ano ang nangyari sa'yo kahapon?" tinatanong ko siya.

"What if I say no, would you accuse me of not being truthful, wouldn't you?" his eyebrows move upward.

Magaling siya. Hindi pa rin humihiwalay ang kanyang tanong sa aking kasinungalingang nasabi. He escorts; as if he's telling me that making lies are not bad at some time.

"Dito sa lupa, kailangan mong patubuin ang iyong pag-iisip. If you're thinking that I'm lying, you're wrong," aniya.

Nakikita ko ang pagbago ng kanyang ekspresyon. He move his eyebrows downward; he might be feeling disappointed and at some way -- he's being regretful.

"If you think that you're weak, there are people who are less fortunate and -- " hininto niya ang kanyang idudugtong.

Tinitingnan niya ako, nakikita ko ang pag-kislap ng mga luha mula sa kanyang mata. Tuyong-tuyo ang kanyang mga labi. Namumutla.

" who are to be called the weakest and least," umiiyak siya, umiiyak siya nang hindi niya namamalayan.

"Mabuti pang mabuhay sa ilalim ng tulay kaysa sa lumaki ng marangya ang pinagmulan. Behind the success and wealth, sadness reigns. There has been a guilt and. . . unheard voices," nanginginig ang kanyang boses, nararamdaman ko ang lungkot sa bawat salita. Hindi niya tinatago ang kanyang kahinaan. Kaya niyang panindigan ang kanyang mga sinasabi.

If only I could bring him to the beach, I'll let him shout for the burden in his life; allow him to hate the world for being cruel.

"Will you not ask me if I'm weak? If I'm fortunate? They always say that I'm the strongest, they are blind of not seeing the hallmark of pain in my eyes. Matagal na silang nariyan, siguro simula nang ako'y isinilang," nararamdaman ko ang kanyang puso; parang konektado ang aming mga damdamin sa isa't isa.

"Hindi naging mabuti ang buhay dito, naging mahirap para sa akin ang huminga nang sinasakal, ang matulog nang umiiyak at mabuhay nang. . ." pinahiran niya ang kanyang mga luha, hindi niya hinayaan na lumagpas ito sa kanyang pisngi.

"kinukulong sa kasinungalingan," sa isip-isip niya, gusto niyang magmura at pakawalan ang galit na nabubuhay sa kanyang puso.

"Earlier, I said that pain is tantamount to joy," ginagalaw niya ngayon ang kanyang binti, gusto niyang umupo subalit hindi niya kayang bumangon ng walang tulong.

"Mine, this is tantamount to love," he's trying to uplift the smile forming on his face.

"I'm in love with how I grow with chaos; by how I struggle with the pain in my heart and by how I live to be mistaken," he continues.

My lips twisted when he look at me by his teary eyes. Makapal at mahaba ang mga hibla ng pilik-mata niya. Maganda at perpekto ang hugis ng kanyang mata at kumikislap ito kahit hindi sinisinagan ng ilaw.

"Naiintindihan kita. Kayo ba ay hindi natatakot sa akin?" I touch him and wipe the tears on his cheeks.

"Hindi ba ako ang dapat magtatanong? Sigurado akong may takot diyan sa puso mo, takot na baka mawala lahat ng pinaghirapan ng iyong mga magulang," hinahayaan niya akong pahiran siya gamit ang aking palad.

"Hindi ako magaling sa pakikipagsalamuha, pero masasabi kong. . .natatakot ako," humiwalay ako sa kanya at umupo gamit ang maliit na silya katabi lamang ng kama.

Makulimlim sa labas, makikita ang pagsayaw ng mga dahon kasabay ng pag-ihip ng hangin. I wanted to be a child again, who doesn't care about the surrounding; the people and society.

"Naririyan na ba ang takot kahit hindi mo sinasadya o inaasahan ang pagkawala ng mahal mo sa buhay? Ayaw kong isipin na natatakot ako, pero hindi ko maikukubli iyon," he may notice the sadness in my voice.

Kagaya ko, sinusubukan niyang mahalin ang kagandahan ng paligid kahit walang sumisikat na araw.

"Ano ba talaga ang nangyari sa'yo?" I hear him sighing.

He looks at me, "I don't answer a question without knowing me first."

Laglag ang panga ko at natagalan bago ako tumango. Is he making fun of me, isn't he? But, I could see it in his eyes, he has been serious, he doesn't make fun nor trying to tell a joke.

"Instead of asking what happened to me --," hindi ko alam kung may kakaiba sa mga ngiti niya ngayon.

Ako naman ay naghihintay sa idudugtong niya. I'm starting to feel at ease with this stranger. No, with this man rather!

". . let's start with knowing each other," there he has made a grin; stretching his lips from ear to ear.

The last time I have seen myself being light and away from danger, it was when I received a reward from my Papa after I passed my first laboratory exam.

Sa tuwing binibigyan ako ni Papa nga mga gamit, kahit gaano man ito kasimple, pinapagaan niya ang aking nararamdaman at nawawala lahat ng takot sa aking puso.

"I cannot start if you'll never stop with that almost-stretched out beam in your face," I startle.

"Masaya lang ako kasi. . .hmm. . kaunting sugat lang ang natamo mo after the on-road accident," ako.

"To see you in that way, you're leading me to the nearest cliff. I'm ready to fall and die for love. . . but. .let's change it. No cliff, no falling, no love, no one is dying," aniya.

"For we are here, not by love... it's because we are falling for something that would end the strife. We'll hand in glove to fill the empty and find the lost." parang natauhan ako sa kanyang mga sinabi.

Hinahagip ko ang bawat paglawak ng ngiti niya. Kung magaling lang sana ako bumilang, siguro hindi sapat na sabihing nakakasampong ngiti na siya!

"Binibilang mo ba bawat pag-ngiti ko?" mas lalo akong natauhan. Hindi, humiwalay ang kaluluwa ko dahil sa kahihiyan!

"You're pointing your index finger directly to my lips, aren't you?" mabilis kong tinago ang aking mga daliri. Napakagat labi ako. Masyado akong naging delusional at nagawa kong bilangin ang mga ngiti niya.

I don't want to act unprofessional but with him, I'm lost.

Not to brag him, he's quite good at catching my not-to-be-remarked gestures.

Kailangan ko ng tubig at -- gusto kong mabilaukan, gusto kong malunod sa tubig. And I want the ground to swallow me; place me to another room where he's not around.

"Saan ka pupunta?" tinatanong niya ako. Hindi ko siya pinansin, nahihiya ako sa kanya.

"Babalik ka pa ba?" he sounds wretched.

Hindi ko siya pinapansin. Naririnig ko ang paglabas pasok ng hangin kapag humihinga siya. As if it is hard for him breathe after I ignored him.

Dali-dali akong lumabas ng kwarto; kagaya niya, hinihingal ako. 'Di mapakali. No, it's just normal lalo na kapag pagod ako.

"Doktora, kakaligo mo lang?" si Lilac.

Halos lumabas ang bilugang mata ko sa gulat. Gusto kong sabunutan si Lilac, sasabihin sa kanya na -- hindi ako naliligo!

"Don't make me wrong, alam ko iniisip mo," biglang napaatras ito sa kanyang tinatayuan.

"Ba't parang galit ka?" tinaasan niya ako ng kilay.

"Ikaw nang bahala sa pasyente ko, nakakainis siya," mahina pero alam kung naririnig niya ako.

"Saan ka pupunta?"

"Magpapahangin lang ako," bumuntong-hininga ako. "Napakainit sa loob," pagdadagdag ko.

I don't want to look stupid in his eyes. Hindi na ako teenager kagaya ng dati, titili kahit hindi naman nakakakilig.

I'll check him later. Gusto kong pakalmahin ang aking sarili. "Gosh, why I am thinking of him? Okay, I'm just doing my job, nothing more, nothing less," I talk to myself. Arr, no, I'm talking to the wind and sky above!

Lumalakad ako ngayon patungo sa asotea ng ikalawang palapag ng mansyon. Dito, nakikita ko ang lawa na dumudugtong sa Alta Tierra at Avida.

"Ano, pupuntahan ko na ba?"

"Kanina pa sila, siguro mahigit tatlong oras nang nagbabantay sa labas."

"Hayaan na lang natin, mapapagod din sila sa kakahintay."

"Pero paano kong may masamang balak pala ang mga tao--"

"Huwag kang mag-isip ng ganyan!"

"Mas mainam na nag-iinga--"

"Sige, kakausapin ko na lang sila."

Hinahanap ko kung saan nanggagaling ang pagpupulong na naririnig ko. Mahina't malayo man ay malinaw na naiintindihan ko ang pag-uusap. This may ruin my plan of staying here in asotea. I discern of place and this vicinity somehow suits me.

"Tatawagan na lang kita if okay na," paghahabol ng una.

"Hindi, sasamahan kita," pagtutol ng ikalawa.

Naningkit ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko sila mahagilap kahit nasa ikalawang palapag ako.

"Ikaw ang unang lalabas," ikalawa.

"Susunod lang ako sa likuran mo. Mas malaki ka sa akin kaya dapat ikaw ang magtatanong sa kanila," una.

"O sige, basta resbak ka," pagsang-ayon ng ikalawa.

I couldn't track and ascertain of where those voices are coming from. Instead of finding them, bumalik na lang ako sa loob.

Pagpasok, nakasalubong ko si Lilac. "Natawagan ko na."

"Sino?" ako.

"Ang paramedic na inuuto-" I discontinue her.

"Check mo nga ang guardhouse at pati na rin si Sierra. Kanina pa siya hindi bumabalik," papapaliwanag ko.

"Nga pala," si Lilac.

Tinitingnan ko siya, malawak ang mga ngiti nito. Kumukunot naman ang noo ko, hindi ko naiiwasang magtaka at pag-isipan siya ng kung anu-ano.

"Pinapasabi ng pasyente mo!" There's an excitement in her voice. She keeps the smile, even wider.

"He's waiting for you and he may ask for your assistance and abetment for a faster recovery," humihinga ito ng malalim bago ipinagpatuloy ang kanyang sasabihin.

"Yours is his favorit - " humahagikhik pa siya kaya pinigilan ko na.

For no particular reason, I become more cranky and short-tempered. Even I went outside, I hadn't managed to calm down.

"Kung ayaw mong marinig, don't worry, I'll text it to you na lang," patakbo siyang umalis sa aking harapan.

Your pulse is rising, you should have checked it.

Nakatulala ako. 'Di ko maintindihan kung bakit nagkakaganito ako. Is it because of him? No, it was never been him! Masyadong mabilis ng mga pangyayari o sadyang ako lang ang nagmamadali?

Papasok na ako ng kwarto, hindi pa rin nawawala ang indayog ng aking pulso. Any time, I'll explode because of this - undetectable feeling.

Bago pa ako tuluyang makapasok sa loob tumunog ang aking cellphone. He might say - come in, you can read the message aloud. Again, he is responsible of this. I kept on including him in my thought even at my lucid moments.

°

Lilac:
Call him by his name, Doktora😍

Ako:
Talk to your ass!

Lilac:
Rafii Yuta Caguioa, itago mo baka mawala ko😜

°

I breathe in and breathe out, clenched the doorknob tightly. Check. Your. Pulse. My mind is screaming now; I become irresponsible of my speed-up breathing.

Wala 'to, normal ang lahat. It's just proving my mind's wrong because the pulse will be normal. You'll know you're fine.

I sigh, slowly turning the doorknob to open.

"Rafii?" pambungad kong sabi.

Nakatulala siya. He's sweating and - looking at me in awe.

"Did you just call me by my first name, didn't you?"

This time, I couldn't tell him that I didn't - because I don't want him to call me a liar.

"You're not hoaxing, right?"

"I said it intentionally, I'm here, not to hoax nor lie," I walk toward him, still he couldn't believe that I called him by his name.

Copyright © Claw Marks
A l l R i g h t s R e s e r v e d

Author's note:

Keep breathing!