I didn't see what other choice I had. I wanted the memories. I never wanted to lose them. With the memories, there would sometimes be pain. But the pain just reminded me that it was real. He had been mine. He had loved me. He had wanted me to stay. I would have, if only I could have. But this was my reality. This was my unintentional life. I felt like I'd been born in the wrong place and time.

~♡~

I'd spent the weekend in my room, just like I'd planned. It didn't earn me any insight into what I was going to do. I was still confused. I knew it wouldn't be fair to try to make any life changing decisions when my mind was in such turmoil.

I'd called off work monday, enjoying my day home alone, since Jason was spending the day applying for jobs. I didn't hold out much hope that he would find anything anytime soon. He'd been out of work for quite awhile, and I was sure that didn't look good on job applications.

I spent the day doing housework, vacuuming, dusting, mopping the kitchen, scrubbing the counters. I cleaned the fridge, throwing away outdated food, and wiping the inside down. I made a grocery list as I did so, in order to replace things I used on a regular basis.

Once I was done downstairs, I went up and changed the sheets on the bed, then threw in a load of laundry. I dusted upstairs, and vacuumed, cleaning the bathroom, and checking for empty shampoo and body wash bottles. Somehow they seemed to accumulate, and never get thrown away.

Finally, I went into my happy room, running the vacuum, and dusting the surfaces. I rearranged my desk, just for something different, and then I sat on my loveseat to rest for a few minutes. My gaze automatically went to my wall.

I used to look up, and smile. Every time. Looking at Taehyung always brought me such happiness. Never anything but happiness. Now, when I looked, my heartbeat increased, and my breath hitched. I wasn't just looking at an image of someone I admired, and loved from a distance anymore. Now, I was looking at the face of a man I had a history with. I was looking at someone I'd been intimate with. I was looking at someone I couldn't stop thinking about.

It hadn't been like that before. I loved him, in a 'wow, he's so adorable, and talented, and holy cow his voice makes me melt' kind of way,  but I could get thru my day without thoughts of him invading my mind every second. I could function, take care of my day to day responsibilities, and not have him in my head constantly. It was after I had gotten thru my day, and came home to finally relax that I would disappear to this room, and let him help me find my calm, my oasis, my release from reality.

Now, I was having a hard time getting him out of my head at all. Now, every moment with him kept replaying. Every deep laugh, every boxy smile, every heated gaze. Every sultry whisper, every passionate kiss, every burning touch. Every breathy moan, every fierce thrust, every wave of incomparable ecstasy.

I couldn't stop the memories, they happened at any given moment throughout the day. But I didn't think I wanted to stop them. It was agonizing, but it was also comforting.

I heard Jason call for me from downstairs, and I looked at the clock, seeing that it was almost 4:30. I got up to go see how he'd made out with his job hunt, not expecting much, since it was his first day at it.

I reached the bottom of the stairs, a bit surprised to see a big smile on his face.

"It smells nice in here."

"Thanks. I've been cleaning all day."

He nodded. "So remember the warehouse job I told you about?"

"Yeah, the one down the road from the dealership. Did you apply?"

"I did, and I got hired on the spot. I've been at the drs office waiting for a drug test most of the day. I start tomorrow, $16.50 an hour, guaranteed 40 hour week, overtime optional, benefits, 401K, and possibility of a raise after 90 days."

My jaw dropped. "Wow, that's...really great, Jason." I smiled, kind of in disbelief that he'd found a job already, and a good one at that.

"Laney, you don't have to if you don't want to, but I wouldn't be upset if you quit your job. I know you're unhappy there. Besides, you've been working for the last year to support me, and take care of everything here. Why don't you let me take care of you?"

It was tempting. I took a deep breath, chewing on my bottom lip.

"I don't know Jason. I still don't know...how I feel, or what I want. This doesn't change anything. I'm beyond happy that you found a job, I really am. But I'm not sure the damage can be undone. I don't know if I should quit my job, because, if I decide I'm not staying, I'll need my own income. I'll need a way to support myself."

His smile faltered, but only a little. "Sure Laney, I understand that. I know you need time to figure out what you want. I know I fucked up. I can't tell you how sorry I am. It wasn't because I don't love you. I love you so much that I don't know what I'll do without you, if you do decide to leave."

I felt bad. But I didn't want to. I wanted to blame him for my unhappiness. But  maybe it wasn't his fault. His unhappiness was his fault. Maybe my unhappiness was mine. I allowed myself to be unhappy.

"But you have a job that is timeless. There will always be a need for beauticians. If you decide you want to leave, I won't try to stop you, and I'll even help you open your own shop. But for now, take some time for yourself. You've been doing nothing but working. Quit your job, and go on vacation to someplace you've always wanted to go. Go to South Korea where those boys you love so much are from. Enjoy yourself. I want you to get your happiness back. I miss your smile."

My heart started to hammer in my chest. He had no idea what he was saying. I looked up to see him smiling at me.

"Your eyes have more light in them already."

"I can't just take a vacation, Jason. It takes money we don't have, and you won't get a paycheck till you've been there at least two weeks."

He stuck his hand in his pocket, and pulled out a wad of money.

"I got a $2500.00 bonus for being willing to start immediately. Apparently they've been looking for help for awhile, and no one they felt was right for the job was applying. They included the bonus as an incentive to get more people to apply. They like that I have experience as a mechanic, because sometimes the forklifts break down."

I was speechless. What was happening? He had gone over a year without working at all, and the first job he applies for he gets, with a bonus on top of that.

"I know Laney, it seems to good to be true. I thought the same thing. But I'm not going to question it. Whatever it is, timing, fate, crazy good luck, I'm not doing anything to jinx it. I start tomorrow."

He stepped closer to me, his hand outstretched, offering me the money.

"This is for you. I want you to have it. Do whatever you want with it. Quit your job, buy a plane ticket somewhere, go relax. Or stay here and do nothing. Buy more of your BTS merchandise, spend it all on that if you want to. I don't care. Whatever makes you happy."

I made no move to take it, and he reached for my hand, putting the money in it, and folding my fingers closed over it. I could only stand there, staring at my hand, full of money, blinking away a few tears that I wasn't aware were there.

"I'm going to jump in the shower. I was stuck in the waiting room between two sweet little old ladies at the doctors office for over an hour, and I smell like baby powder and lavendar."

My only response was to nod, my mind too alive with possibilities to speak.

"Laney, close your mouth."

My eyes darted to his, and he was smiling at me affectionately. I snapped my mouth shut, giving him a smile before my empty hand came up to cover it, and I smiled bigger behind that hand as he turned and went up the stairs.

TAEHYUNGS POV

A week had passed since she had disappeared from my arms during the night. I missed her, but I was doing okay. I had checked my post on social media every so often, scrolling thru every single comment, hoping something would ring a bell, but there was nothing. Even though I was convinced she hadn't commented, I'd hoped she'd at least seen it.

We had a world tour starting in two weeks, and we were busy preparing for it. I was actually looking forward to it, because we would be so busy, and so tired, that maybe I would be too exhausted to think. Not that I minded thinking about her, but It made me want so much to see her.

I picked up the paper Namjoon had given me with the missing name, and looked at it again. I'd looked at it many times over the past week, but nothing had changed. I had looked up American names on the internet, but had seen nothing that made me think it was her name. Maybe I had looked at it many times, but was really meant to never remember it. I didn't know.

I dropped the paper on the bed in front of me, and stared at it, daring the name to appear.

I stared at the blank space until  my eyes crossed. I huffed out a breath, looking at the spots where the letters were missing, my brows furrowed as a thought occured to me.

I climbed off the bed and found a pencil and a notebook. I settled back into the middle of the bed and opened to a blank page. Looking at the words again, I started to write the missing letters from each word.

 ON'T FORG T THE GIR S N ME IS                    A D SH 'S TAEH UNG'S.

D-E-L-A-N-E-Y

DELANEY

Delaney

Laney

"Holy shit" I whispered, tearing the sheet out of the notebook.

I sat in shock for maybe 10 seconds, before I jumped off the bed and flung my door opened.

"KOOKIE, I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT...HOLY SHIT I GOT IT..."

Jungkook quickly came out of his room, shirtless, eyes wide.

"Hyung, what the hell, what are you yelling about?"

"Her name, I remember her name, Namjoon is a genius, it was a puzzle, a code or something, but I figured it out, I got it..."

By this time, the other guys had all come out of their rooms to see what was going on.

"Tae, is everything okay?" Jin asked, concern lining his face.

"Hyung, I know her name. Namjoon hyung, he's a genius, he wrote a coded message, and I figured it out."

"Really?"

They all looked at Namjoon, and his eyes were wide with confusion.

"I did what?"

I hurried back into my room, grabbing the papers off my bed, and returning to the hall. I thrust them at Jin, so he could see what I was talking about. He looked between the two papers, his eyes getting wider by the second.

He looked up at Namjoon. "Did you do this on purpose?" He showed him the papers, and Namjoon looked at them, reading what I'd written, shaking his head as he did.

"No, I didn't. I mean, I'd love to take credit, but no. I just thought it was worth a try to write down her name. I guess I thought maybe if I put it into a sentence, it would confuse things and hopefully not disappear."

All of them leaned in to see what was on the paper I'd written.

Delaney.

Her name was Delaney.

I finally had a name to put with her face, a name to add to my memories of her. I had no idea what her last name was, but it didn't matter. I just wanted to be able to think of her by her name.