TW: mild panic attack at the end, references to SA

you weren't mine to loose

san wooyoung

08.08.17

after spending friday talking to his parents and saturday catching up with them, wooyoung decides he has to go to san.

he makes the excuse of needing to fit in some last minute studying with the boy, requesting a lift to his flat, because wooyoung can't exactly get there alone. his father had obliged easily, not thinking much of it. wooyoung knows his parents can deny him next to nothing, and it doesn't hurt to use that to his advantage.

he's tired, having been reminiscing with them all day about the time in which he could see. they love to talk about it, the past, much more than he does.

he's dying to tell someone all he's found out, and san's the only person on his mind. the word 'classmate' still pains him to think back to, but wooyoung has managed to move past that. san had been put on the spot, voicing the first introduction that had come to mind. he can't hold that against him.

that's what wooyoung keeps assuring himself of as he bids goodbye to his father, using his cane to navigate out of the vehicle and onto the firm pavement. thankfully mr. jung has dropped him off directly in front of the building so there is no trouble and wooyoung does not have to walk far.

tapping in front of himself to guide his tense commute into the flat, the jittery blonde wonders what san will think of him showing up unannounced like this. he hadn't thought to call. thankfully, he won't have to find out immediately, because upon entering the lobby he's met by nothing but silence.

however, it's not long before wooyoung misses the silence, begging for it to return so he might be free of the forever barer-of-bad-news.

"um- dollar store jungwoo?" kibum's unmistakeable voice enters the already sheepish boy's hearing range. "what're you doing here?"

"i'm here for san." wooyoung drawls, like it's obvious. "and i have a name."

"well i'm sorry-" the older retaliates sarcastically, his sassy mannerisms easy to picture. "san's busy right now. you should go, wooyoung."

although wooyoung's grateful that kibum has bothered to remember and use his name, that doesn't stop him from disliking the man, however much he seems to care for san.

"i'll wait." the blonde announces, tapping his way to the lobby's couch and seating himself on its rough cushions carefully.

"for what?" kibum questions exasperatedly, his footsteps sounding hard on the floor as he followed wooyoung. he sounds tired.

"for him to come down." he replies reasonably. "it's barely midday, he'll come down eventually."

"wooyoung-" the man starts, hesitating with a frustrated sigh. "look. you're a good kid, alright? and i hate to be the one to tell you, but san is not alone right now. he had someone over last night, and while you're here, waiting in his lobby like some perfect, patient boyfriend, he's up there with some other boy toy in his arms. so please, do yourself a favour and leave before you fall in too deep with him and get your goddamn heart broken."

the words leave a horrible taste in wooyoung's mouth, his throat quickly drying. he barely manages to feebly shake his head, wanting more than anything to deny the information. he knows he's not entitled to be hurt over the fact san has someone else over, because he knows they aren't official. he knows it, but it's just the timing that breaks his heart. tears threaten to escape his shining blue eyes, but he stubbornly blinks them away.

wooyoung is finally accepting the dreaded realization that he wants so much more from san. more than the arrangement they made. to "fall in deep" with him, and make it known to everyone he knows. he's beginning to understand just how much san means to him. and just how much he means to san.

not a lot, apparently.

"i'm waiting." he repeats tightly, shoulders rigid as he keeps himself together.

kibum lets out an exasperated noise of conflict, seeming to contemplate something. the younger keeps his blank gaze fixated straight ahead, his eyes icy.

"okay, this isn't fair." the man finally says, his voice torn. "i'm going to fetch him, so don't go anywhere. or preferably, change your mind and leave."

clenching his jaw, wooyoung makes no move to reply. he isn't planning on going anywhere.

kibum begins to walk away, his footsteps frantic like he's afraid he might change his mind on the way. although, by the sound of things, he only makes it up a few steps before intercepting someone else, hence the surprised "oh!" he lets out.

wooyoung guesses it's san and his mystery "boy toy" judging by kibum's frenzied rambles of attempted explanation. he's already standing up, clutching his cane tightly and determined not to become the broken-hearted mess of a barely-even-boyfriend who's just been cheated on. in honesty, he wants to leave.

"well this is awkward." a familiar voice speaks before wooyoung can say anything, and it's familiarity stops him dead in his tracks.

"i'll be going, then." yeonjun announces in exasperation to the party of three, the sound of the door opening and closing quickly following.

wooyoung's eyes flicker with initial hurt that morphs to anger and confusion, at the younger who's supposed to be his friend and at the male in front of him for his choice in hookups.

"yeonjun?" he manages, the word his greeting to san, dripping with betrayal. "it could have been anyone, but yeonjun? my friend?"

"says more about him than it does about san, if you ask me." kibum mumbles to himself, but shuts up after a meaningful glare.

"if it makes you feel better, i called jungwoo first." san returns bitterly, his emotions unclear. if wooyoung had been looking for it, he'd hear the exhaustion in his voice. "but apparently he and yukhei are a thing now."

"what i don't understand is why you felt the need to call anyone!" wooyoung yells, worse at containing his feelings.

san sighs raggedly, stepping forward so that he's in front of the shaking boy. "believe me, i wish i hadn't, wooyoung, i just- i had to-"

"why are you being like this?" wooyoung continues angrily, hating the shift in his personality, not hearing him, not really. "stop acting!"

the words seem to have an impact on san, because he takes a moment to reply again, swallowing audibly. he flinches, shuddering. if wooyoung could see, he might notice how tired san looks. the way his arms are drawn around himself protectively, the way his eyes keep darting around. he might notice the deep bags under his eyes, and question the quiver in his lip. but he can't, so he doesn't.

"wooyoung, listen." he explains, voice hoarse. "i heard part of your parents' conversation with you, and you've got to understand-" he breaks off, choking. "it's my fault. that you're not with your soulmate, with hongjoong. you need to, to fix things-"

the blonde shakes his head vigorously, face crumpling. he splays his hands, grasping at the air. "no. no," he laughs sadly, pacing. "that's not how it works! and you don't get it, it's not your fault. it can't be! fucking typical, for you to blame yourself, for everything! this is a shit excuse, by the way. we agreed, san."

"that was before i fell for you." san says, defeated. "before we found out i'm the reason-"

"the reason for nothing, except my fucking feelings being hurt, by fucking one of my best friends!" wooyoung's voice raises, face contorting. he's angry, choosing his words to hurt san. "bet you fuck all your classmates, huh?!"

san draws back, recoiling into himself. "no, no, that's not true, you know that's not true- that's not even what happened-" he stops, loosening a shuddering breath. "i can't, wooyoung. i can't. we can't do this anymore."

wooyoung laughs weakly, feeling defeated and stupid. "you won't even explain. do i not get a reason? god- i'm sorry for wanting to be loved by you. that's a fucking mistake, isn't it?"

"wooyoung-" san begs, reaching out to him again. but the blind boy senses it, pulling away, not finished.

"yes. i know it is." he answers for him, smiling wistfully. "and you clearly aren't willing to give me that, are you? no. so it's best for both of us. isn't it?" the note of hope in the last question is heartbreaking.

unbeknownst to wooyoung, san's shutting his eyes, trying to disappear, backing away. he feels disgusting in his own skin. can't stand the fact he's alive, standing in front of wooyoung now who is so good and so perfect. he doesn't deserve him. not one bit.

"i'm sorry." he manages helplessly, and doesn't follow wooyoung when he walks out.

•••

wooyoung san

heart in pieces, san feels dirty and heavy where he stands. he can feel his bones, in his flesh, all hot and filthy and wrong.

so he calls seonghwa, because shit, he really needs to talk to someone right now, and fuck, he really can't be alone. and damn it, because he's pretty sure he's goddamn in love with jung wooyoung.

he's shaking, from their fight, from his feelings, from last night. the line rings, one too many times. he squeezes his eyes shut, taking a deep breath.

"yeah?" seonghwa's voice comes through, clear and bored.

"i fucked up," he says, sniffing. this is so much harder than it should be, and the world is blurring around him.

"hey, calm down," he says, sounding more serious. "calm down, san. tell me what happened."

breathe. breathe. "he- seonghwa, i- i wanted to make wooyoung hate me. because i like him," he chokes out, gulping.

"that makes no sense."

"i know. i fucking know," san pumps his fist against his head, frustrated. "but it was the only way, so i called a guy-" the words get stuck.

"the only way to what? you're not making any sense, san." seonghwa presses, but he's patient.

"it doesn't matter," san exclaims, tears beginning to spring free. "and he didn't want me, so i called yeonjun, fucking yeonjun, because he's been flirty, i guess, it seemed reasonable-"

his breathing quickens, air not getting to his lungs. it didn't go as planned. his chest is too tight, like it's trapping a scream.

"just breathe. tell me what happened, san," seonghwa encourages him, worry in his tone.

right. they're only words. just words. you can say them. "i initiated it, i said- i said i'd fuck him, but when it came down to it, i couldn't- i couldn't- and so he, yeonjun- he wanted to-" fucking breathe, san. "but i didn't want that. i didn't hwa, and i said no, god- i said it so many times-"

he blinks incessantly, vision as blurry as his wobbly surroundings. at some point, he'd sat down, because he's on the floor now, hugging his knees. "but he said i had to finish what i started."

silent sobs shudder through him, which he muffles pitifully. he's pulling at his hair obsessively, and he's beginning to notice it hurts.

"and now wooyoung hates me." that cracks him. splits him down the middle, breaking his voice.

"oh, san." seonghwa sighs, softly, kindly. "i'm coming over."

-

to whoever commented last chap about waiting 10 days to find out what happens next... SUCK MY DICK IT WAS ACTUALLY 9 DAYS

i wrote like 3 different versions of this chapter so sorry i know it's quite a mess

xxx

edit: and here is the 4th version

very important PSA: you can always say no. it doesn't matter if you said yes first, you can change your mind at ANY time- consent isn't concrete. even if you said yes and yes again, and then no, it's still SA. no means no.