wooyoung san

09.07.17

san's at school, when the memory hits him.

his earphones are on full volume with the hopes of drowning out the rest of the world, but it's still not enough. so he's hiding out in the bathroom, longing for solitude, skipping class.

preoccupied with mixed feelings about his birthday tomorrow, it's no wonder stress is ripping him apart. sadness, even. he keeps telling himself he's not going to cry. but it's all so much- the prospect of being alone, on his eighteenth. no family.

when he gets like this - so deep in his own mind he can hardly breathe - he's prone to lashing out, or latching on to any emotion he's feeling and converting it to something else. then letting it explode, regardless of the casualties. he's alone. and just so no one else will leave, he'd like to keep it that way.

not realizing he's been chewing on his lip restlessly, he's caught off guard when he glimpses his reflection in the mirror, looking up from his stance against the basin. there's blood on his mouth.

the unexpected image causes his practiced deep breaths to stop, the air hitching in his throat, trapped there. even the music in his ears seems far away, as if he's underwater. trembling, he shuts his eyes tightly, unwilling taking a deep dive down memory lane.

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"did you get in a fight again, sannie?" his sister asked chidingly, after her delicate hand cupping the side of his face made him wince a little.

he placed his hand over hers, guiding it down gently and holding it in his own. "it's nothing, eun." he assured her, smiling softly.

the girl pouted at the lie, able to detect it despite her young age. her glimmering blue eyes stared at him unseeingly, brimming with youthful innocence and demanding the truth.

sighing, newly turned thirteen-year old san squeezed the hand tighter, bubbling with anger at the recollection of what had happened. "they were mean to you, eun."

eunseo's expectant face crumpled, her eyes welling up with fresh tears. "please don't get hurt for me, sannie." she begged him, holding his hand with both of hers. "it's okay."

"i can't just stand by and let it happen!" he argued, angry that his baby sister would allow herself to endure their callous snipes alone.

"that's just life." she replied wisely, but san refused to accept the words, blinded by his overwhelming love for her.

"i'll try not to." he told her gently, wiping her cheek and turning his head to the side untruthfully. this wasn't the first time, and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

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and yes, there were countless more occasions, many of which were unknown to his sister. but none as bad as the one he got into after she died; the last person he loved ripped harshly away from him, claimed by the ground with naught but him grieving at the casket.

he was all alone. parents, beside themselves with grief, unable to console him. who didn't even think to try.

it began not dissimilarly to any other provocation, but this time was different; san had nothing left to lose. "where's the mole rat, choi?" sneered one of the bullies, egged on by his friends.

"why aren't you picking her up at the special school? you know, for the spastics." there was nothing wrong with her. nothing. she was simply blind.

instead of keeping his head down, he whipped around, surprising them. "she's gone!" he yelled brokenly at the group of students who had once indulged in playing on her weaknesses. "you killed her!"

he knew this would lead to a fight. he should've walked away, like eunseo would have wanted. but a dead girl can't want anything.

"w-woah," one of them raised his hands in surrender, laughing nervously as san advanced. "we didn't do shit, choi."

"bullshit!" he yelled, throwing the first punch. his fist connected with the teen's face, the impact hurting them both. "you're all murderers!"

pay. they had to pay. someone had to pay for her death.

the male who had spoken first was soon on the ground, shoved by an adrenaline driven san who was quickly on top of him, punching him repeatedly until his knuckles hurt. he was outnumbered though, and was pulled off of him by two of the friends.

san kicked one of them behind the knee, causing him to release his hold so he could dodge and punch again. although the young male was skilled and experienced due to taekwondo classes he'd taken for the very purpose of protecting his sister, that did not change the fact this was a fight he could not win.

again his agile movement was far too slow. three pairs of rough hands tried to seize him, one of the boy's right hands shooting out and sending a jab of pain down his cheek. he staggered backwards, kicked to the ground-

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he snaps out of it, his ears filling again with music as he blinks the tears away furiously. his breaths rack him, coming out short and hard. gripping the basin, he leans over, holding his stomach with the other hand. dry retching sounds echo in the bathroom, san quivering.

sniffing, he inhales deeply, regaining himself. shaken deeply by the memory, san cannot forget the terribly raw feeling of utter loneliness after her death. he pulls the earphones out, more angry than sad. he hardly knows what he feels.

he's just about regained composure, gotten himself back, when the door opens. whirling around, san's about to give whoever intruded a piece of his mind, but he stops.

it's wooyoung. standing there, like an angel sent to rescue him, hesitant and rosy-cheeked. his blonde hair, a halo above his head, appearing uncombed. whatever words were forming die on his lips, his heartbeat regulating. it's like wooyoung's an anchor.

"san?" he asks, only halfway into the bathroom. "someone said you left for the bathroom-"

"i'm here." he hates how small his voice sounds. you're here.

wooyoung stays in the doorway, eyes flitting to san, following the sound of his voice. they steady on him, fixing. blue, so blue. trepidation in his step.

"yeosang said i shouldn't follow you." he says carefully, expression unchanging.

"yet here you are." san replies, eyes narrowing in hesitation. why? why did he come?

"here i am." he says blankly in agreement, stepping in. the door shuts behind him, banging closed with a thud.

loosing a breath, san takes him in, all of him. he's here. "why?" such a simple question, with so much gravity.

"you weren't in class." he observes, pursing his lips. his hands can't seem to still.

"miss me?" san asks bemusedly, finding the energy for a little flirtatious humor.

wooyoung doesn't answer, his expression preoccupied and mind seeming overrun. "i know we're not exactly... close." he starts, face contorting in concentration. "but i don't know who else to go to. i haven't told anyone, because... because i don't know how to feel."

okay, his interest is piqued. crossing his arms, san leans against the sink, listening. "about what?"

an odd countenance befalls him. "i think i found my soulmate." he says slowly, anticipating san's reaction.

"oh," oh? that's what you have to say? really? san's thoughts are doing laps. he feels bitter, sour, sick.

wooyoung's face falls frustratedly, and he steps forward. he definitely expected a bigger reaction, one san can't give him. he won't betray himself. "'oh?'that's all? i- why aren't you shouting? telling me this is stupid?"

san shrugs, so careful, his expression guarded. "do you want me to? what happened to your 'love conquers all' attitude?"

exasperated, wooyoung paces, setting his stick down. "it's not what i expected. i don't even know if it's true, he didn't say- it's just- san-" he stops, turning to him with defeated eyes. "i don't want it to be true."

his shoulders sag, and san holds his breath. "it's all in perspective now. i don't know this person. how am i supposed to devote my being to someone i don't know? to spend my life with them, when i haven't even lived my own?" he laughs helplessly, seeming lighter after admitting it.

before he even knows what he's saying, san has opened his own big mouth. "make me a deal," he says, gears turning. "just until you're eighteen. give me... give us until then. until you've got the name."

cocking his head, wooyoung's throat bobs. san keeps talking. "wooyoung, i'm not going to lie. you know i hate the whole soulmate thing. but i like you. or something. i'm into you, at least." he's fucking blushing. "until you're eighteen, allow yourself to live. to be with someone who's not destined for you, like most people."

wooyoung is quiet for a moment, probably speechless. why. why did i say all of that. he's definitely made a fool of himself. but, he keeps talking, terrified of whatever wooyoung is going to say. "do you regret going with me?" he asks, quietly.

he knows wooyoung knows what he means, by the way his eyes flash. stepping closer, dangerously so, san doesn't miss the way those blue eyes assess him, his proximity.

watching the blonde swallow nervously, a smile plays on his lips as wooyoung ceases fidgeting. "no." he answers quietly, drawing the syllable out slowly.

he moves his hand slightly closer, touch ghosting whisperingly against his skin, tracing the action of taking his hand. "good." san replies softly, eyes wondering to wooyoung's parted lips. "me neither."

wooyoung finishes the action, gripping his hand, and san feels the earth rocking beneath him.

his mind drifts in and out, like the tide. is this real? he's right here. holding his hand, so firmly, so sure. pale lights from the bathroom bulbs pouring onto his skin like moonlight, san thinks he is so beautiful.

"wooyoung," he breathes his name daringly, questioning, warningly.

as his eyes close for a moment, san watches wooyoung's eyelashes flutter. he's not sure he's even breathing.

"yes." a word. an answer. a promise. "i want to be with you. until then."

san nods stupidly, a hand lifting to touch wooyoung's face. gently, fingers resting on his cheekbone. he clenches his teeth to contain a scream, when wooyoung leans into his touch. his heart has never been so full, bursting.

"can i kiss you?" he asks, overflowing with the feeling that everything that has ever happened to him has happened with the purpose of this moment.

wooyoung nods, lips parted, unlatching their fingers to place a hand on san's waist. and san leans in, unhurriedly, trying to convince himself this is real.

"wait," the word touches against san's lips; they're so close. "you should know... i've never been with anyone. in any way."

"so?" san questions, brushing his tousled hair out of his face gently, soothing wooyoung's nerves. he's certainly glad no one seems to use the men's bathroom during class.

wooyoung squeezes his eyes shut in embarrassment, edging a tiny bit back to speak. "no, like, i've never- i've never been kissed." he explains further, as if san doesn't get it.

blushing at the confession, wooyoung looks downwards, but san does not mind in the slightest. he cannot imagine why, when the blonde standing here in front of him is so gorgeously entrancing. he places a finger beneath his chin, tilting his face up.

"that's okay." he says simply, smiling softly. "i'll make it special."

dipping his head, san connects their lips. they press together warmly, moving slowly. it hurts, the pressure against his gnawed lip, but he doesn't care. the hurt is so good. taking his face in both his hands, he draws him closer still, inviting the pain. worships his mouth, immersed in kissing him deeply, savoring the soft plumpness of wooyoung's lips.

he's following san's pace, mimicking the way his lips move. leaning up, drawing his arms tightly around san, becoming comfortable. making every second count, he guides wooyoung, opening his mouth slightly to deepen the kiss. instinctively, wooyoung responds eagerly, pushing against san's body with his own.

a small breathy noise sounds from him, when san's tongue slips into his mouth. electrified, san's hand holds the back of his neck, pressing him in to eliminate any space between them. stumbling back, wooyoung allows san to push him against the door, the raven haired breathing deeply through his nose so he doesn't have to stop kissing him.

his hands slide down his sides to rest on wooyoung's hips, the younger sighing into his mouth. his head tips back, and san pulls his lips back, ghosting them in the shape of a kiss over his neck.

"is it always like that?" he murmurs breathlessly, a hand sliding up san's back and into his hair, holding on to him, as if he's afraid he'll go.

it's never like that. san doesn't speak his thoughts, answering instead with another kiss, capturing his lips for a lasting moment.

there's no time to question what he's doing. why he's letting this happen. but somehow, for the first time in a while, san finds himself not alone.

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if you don't read with a black background you're weird m8 :/

hahahahhh "bUt whY aRe tHeY mAkiNg oUt nOW iTs bAd tiMiNg" san is verivery lonely so it makes sense fite me 😡

woosan in 'soft' 🤝 woosan in 'implausible' -> having their first kiss in chapter 12

EDIT: APPARENTLY IN SOFT IT WAS CHAPTER 9 WHICH HONESTLY BREAKS MY HEART I WAS SO SURE IT WAS 12 MY LIFE IS A LIE

long chapter for once :))

xxx

rewrite edit: why was i so annoying pls shut up pls