and you know damn well
for you i would ruin myself
a million little times

san wooyoung

03.09.17

wooyoung is confused.

not the kind of confused when you can weigh out the pros and cons of a situation and are still unable to figure it out, or the kind of confused you are when there's a maths problem you know is simple but you can't remember the right method to solve it for the life of you—

he's the kind of confused when you are forced to question everything you have ever been told. to question the very fabric of the universe, the laws it abides by. because a soulmate is the person you're meant to be with. your literal other half. and wooyoung is confused, because he doesn't feel that way.

never has he felt a pain like knowing san is hurting, hurting enough to have a panic attack and yell at him to leave. being told he can't help, to fuck off, as san put it - that is pain. a slice in his heart that's been stinging for the two days since it happened.

he needs to be there for san, it's as simple as that, because he had told him he would be. and wooyoung's not a liar. he never has been, but he'll be one for san if he has to. for him, anything.

even if it means going against hongjoong's direct wishes to stay away from him and cease their friendship, wooyoung will do it. he had been an idiot, to listen, and to let san be alone. leaving him is not something he's strong enough or brave enough to do.

these are the thoughts that plague him, when he's talking to hongjoong about the school dance, simultaneously fretting about san. he just needs to know if he's okay.

"a highschool dance?" hongjoong is saying dubiously, over the phone. "that sounds lame, youngie."

wooyoung swallows, disappointment sinking in his chest, quelling his initial excitement. "i guess," he replies, feeling stupid for rambling about it.

"those things are boring." his boyfriend continues, scoffing. "i've been to enough in my lifetime."

oh. "so you won't go with me?" wooyoung asks, voice hitching.

a harsh laugh sounds at his ear through the phone, and wooyoung bites his lip. "no. why don't we do something together instead? anything would be more fun than that."

he hesitates, feeling hollow. "i kind of want to go."

"just say you don't fucking want to spend time with me, wooyoung." hongjoong snaps, and he can't help but flinch.

"i asked you to come with me-" he tries, gnawing his lip harder.

"and i said i don't want to. why can't you just do something i want, for once? is that so hard? you're so selfish."

he takes a breath. "there'll be an after party. you could come to that, with me? it'll be... less lame."

"whatever." the line clicks as hongjoong hangs up.

for a few moments, wooyoung doesn't move, just sits there, hovering the phone in his hand. he's slightly dumbfounded, unsure of what he's done to anger the other. probably something. he's just a stupid kid, after all, looking forward to his lame highschool dance.

sitting there, on the steps to san's apartment building, wooyoung honestly wants to cry. the sun is too warm on his face, his skin prickly.

he doesn't even know why he's here. well, he does, but he just can't stop himself from feeling so guilty about it. but hongjoong's harsh words and disinclination to be wooyoung's date to the dance propel him forward.

finally making himself get up from the steps, wooyoung extends his stick, recalling the last time he showed up to san's building announced. again, he hasn't called in advance, knowing that san probably would not have wanted to see him.

maybe hongjoong is right; he is selfish. setting his jaw as he walks slowly through the doors, wooyoung thinks he doesn't care just how selfish he is. because he does not care if san doesn't want anything to do with him, or if hongjoong doesn't want them to have anything to do with eachother. he does.

and maybe that's character growth, but wooyoung just wishes that he would feel more confident about it. about betraying the foundations society thrives on, the ones he's believed all his life.

possibly, wooyoung has not thought this through at all. but on he treads, tapping cautiously through the room the doors open into, heading for the stairs. stairs are always a pain in the ass, especially when he's unfamiliar with them, but he's determined.

if memory serves him well enough, san's room should be down one more hall. maybe be should have called. it's going to be mortifying, if he can't find the right door.

but he's a magnet, gravitating to towards his north pole. he knows exactly where to go, without having to think about it too much.

wooyoung knocks. once, twice. fuck, what if san isn't home? he had not considered that.

stupid, selfish idiot. all those words ring true, loud and hurtful. but just as be raises his hand to knock again, he hears the handle being turned.

"fucking hell, kibum," san's grumbling groggily, and wooyoung's chest contracts. "i said to leave me alone-"

the door creaks open, and wooyoung stands there awkwardly, obviously not the man san had expected. he clears his throat, blind to san's visible reaction.

"hi," he starts, not knowing what to say. all the speeches he revised and practiced dissolve, his mind blank. when san doesn't answer, wooyoung tries to smile weakly.

desperately scrambling for something more to say, wooyoung just stands there burning. "san-"

"how did you-" san says at the same time, sounding breathless. "why are you here?"

"i had to see you. not see you," wooyoung rolls his eyes at himself, flushing. "i wanted to know if you were okay."

"right," san whispers, bewildered. is it so unbelievable to him for wooyoung to care? "but why?"

"don't make me say it." wooyoung begs quietly, closing his eyes for a moment.

there's a beat of silence, san considering. thankfully, he doesn't push. instead, there's a little gust of air as the door opens fully, signaling an invitation in.

relief relaxes his shoulders, and wooyoung releases a breath, stepping inside. his room smells earthy, like san, but less strong. it's faint, autumn leaves being carried on a summer breeze.

"just let me talk, okay?" wooyoung begins, determined. he paces through san's room, periodically swapping his cane from hand to hand. "i broke my promise. i said i wouldn't leave you, san. and i did. i told you that you weren't alone, but i forced you to be."

"wooyoung-" san exhales, the sound of the door shutting closed clicking.

"no, let me talk." he raises a hand, shaking his head. "i was a bad friend. a bad person. and i realize that now, san. i just had to come here and tell you that. that you're not alone. that i'm here, and i don't care about anything else. i'm not going to let someone else's idea about destiny interfere with my feelings."

"right," san says again, just as breathless as before. he seems at a loss for words.

unable to find where san is, wooyoung sighs in frustration, throwing is cane down. he flails his arms exasperatedly, eyes searching blindly. "can you just— can you just come over here?"

hesitantly, footsteps sound, nearing him. they stop, closer, but still a little way off. nonetheless, it's easy to get to him, with just a step forward of his own. he reaches out, touching san's shoulder gently.

annoyingly, san is making him make all the moves, refusing to shift an inch himself. fine.

gripping his shoulder more firmly, wooyoung pulls him into him. san stumbles into him, and wooyoung wraps his arms around him. he envelops him in a hug, drawing his arms more tightly.

"i'm sorry," he whispers gruffly, burying his head in san's shoulder. "i'm so, so sorry."

san's body shudders against him, collapsing into his chest. "i hate him." he manages, and wooyoung nods, one hand gripping the back of his neck. "i hate him so much."

wooyoung holds him there, feeling both their hearts beating against each other. "i know. i know, love. i hate him, too."

he lets san cry, neither of them saying junhee's name. and san hugs him back, arms locking around wooyoung's middle.

"it's all his fault," san says through his tears, the words muffled. "i hate that he could cause me to panic like that. after all this time."

adjusting the hand on the back of san's neck, wooyoung shushes him gently. letting his fingers rake through the longer parts of san's hair, he massages the base of his scalp tenderly. "you never have to see him again. never." he tells him firmly.

"i see him everywhere," san says helplessly, fear revealing itself in every syllable.

carefully, wooyoung releases him, stepping back and holding him at arms length so that san is looking at him.

"even in me?" he asks, searching san's face unseeingly.

san's breath hitches audibly, and he takes wooyoung's face in his hands. "no. god, no. never in you."

holding his wrist, he leans into san's hand. "so not everywhere." he whispers. "that's a start."

"yeah." san whispers, lacing their fingers together against his face.

whether it was hongjoong's cruel words that inspired this intent or something bigger than that, wooyoung finally knows what he wants.

he bites his lip, wiping every thought of his soulmate from his mind. "just for today. just for tonight," wooyoung says, looking at san through his lashes to make his intentions clear. "i want to forget the rest of the world."

"what does that mean?" san says gruffly, sounding wrecked. i think you know.

"you." wooyoung breathes out, face crumpling at his own selfish desires. "i want you."

-

so remember that smut i promised? yeah.

with great angst comes great need for smut and i thrive on switching it up every chapter

xxx