you had a life
before me

san wooyoung

11.07.17

after a restless night of sleep in which wooyoung had been riddled with agitation, the next time he wakes up is to his alarm. blaring, at an ungodly hour on this wednesday morning.

he has no way of knowing where san is or how he's going to get to school, despite it being his room in which he wakes, his bed on which he tossed and turned. san's brash words from yesterday - knives thrown carelessly in his unrest and anger - haunt the blonde's thoughts. he shudders, refusing to believe the brisk snaps had been serious.

wooyoung hopes he knows better: san only hurts him because it hurts himself, and he never wants anyone to get too close to him. a coping mechanism so he will not have to dwell on the reality of his worst fears, brandished into his forearm. not that planting the idea san might take his own own life in wooyoung's head was the most considerate way to do it.

he sits up hastily, the duvet falling off of him. feeling his surroundings carefully, fingertips skimming the bedsheets tentatively, he finds his phone to stop the alarm. it's a routine, to check it every morning for voice messages. he does, clicking the button under his thumb routinely.

for the first time, there's one from san. his voice rings out into the empty room, allowing wooyoung to breathe a little. "sorry about last night.  i have the day off school and i'm using it to do something stupid and reckless with seonghwa. going to get a tattoo i choose. left you clothes on the dresser and door unlocked, kibum will take you to school. i trust him, but sorry again. bye."

he replays it a few times, processing. the most shocking part is perhaps san getting a tattoo, and wooyoung smiles at the cheeky excitement evident in san's tone when he says the sentence.

sliding out of bed, he makes his way clumsily to the wall for his cane, grabbing hold of the white stick gratefully. it's hard, stupidly hard, to find his way around the unfamiliar space, and it takes wooyoung too long to get dressed. he doesn't even bother with the tie, snuggling into a sweater that smells of leafy warmth: of san.

nodding to himself in acceptance of the situation, he turns back to the wall and feels around for the door, which he opens tiredly. he's still sleepy, and has no idea how san expects him to find this kibum person.

oh well. he sighs, closing the door behind himself and stepping out into the hall. before he can get very far, wooyoung's trek is interrupted by a singsong voice he isn't accustomed to, therefore answering his question.

"you took your time, kid! been waiting out here forever."

"sorry..." he begins to mumble unsurely, already beginning to resent san for leaving him with this unknown man.

a laugh sounds in response, only confusing him further. "don't look so scared! i don't bite. usually." before he can reply, the man continues. "it's kibum. suppose san told you that, but i'll introduce myself. little bastard making you my responsibility."

blue eyes widening a bit at the unprecedented situation, shame warms his cheeks. of course, he is viewed as burdensome. "better get going, then." his icy words fire back. "don't want to take up any more of your time."

kibum huffs, walking over to take wooyoung's arm. "come on, then."

they walk downstairs, and wooyoung has to ask. "you don't think he'd..." he starts, biting his lip trepidatiously. "you don't think he'd do anything stupid, right? to himself."

kibum considers, snorting. "told me he's getting a tattoo. did he tell you that? i'd call that stupid." there's a moment of silence where he hesitates, and wooyoung waits. "and no. nothing else. san's... he's not like that."

he looses a breath he didn't know he was holding, slightly reassured by the vague answer. "okay." he confirms, nodding to further assure himself. "it's just... he said some things last night that scared me, and i wasn't quite sure-"

"no." kibum interrupts him, voice sounding serious for the first time. "san would never do something like that. not when- agh, never mind. he just wouldn't."

wooyoung doesn't say anything, trusting kibum knows san better than he does and not asking about whatever the man had stopped himself from saying. he would rather hear it from san, when he's ready to share. he walks quietly with the help of his cane and kibum, who isn't walking very quickly despite his original seemed hurry.

another short period of silence in which he probably holds his breath again for the entirety of passes, and kibum stops at the bottom of the stairs to sigh deeply to himself as if remembering something.

"you know," he muses, and wooyoung angles his head to him. "you kind of remind me of jungwoo."

"who?" his eyebrows furrow, the name foreign to his ears.

"guy who used to live here. san's last boy toy." his breath catches in his throat. "timid, obedient, a little reserved... but bitchy, too. just the type san likes, it seems."

"has san had a lot of... boy-toys?" wooyoung ventures, cursing the pulling of his heartstrings.

"girls, boys. less than you might think. they never last very long." kibum explains, and he leads them outside of the building before continuing. "jungwoo was the longest. i never approved of them; it was never going to end well."

"what do you mean?" the younger questions, more eager than he'd like to admit to know more about san's past flames. he wants to be better; he wants to be someone san won't forget no matter how soon he ends up discarding him.

"well," kibum begins, tone becoming less focused after they get into what wooyoung assumes is his car. "jungwoo had a soulmate already, for one. i'm sure you're aware of san's views on that bull, so he didn't care. jungwoo arrived heartbroken, convinced his soulmate would never love him, so san took advantage of that." wooyoung listens carefully, not missing the bitter lacing of the man's words. "it's not hard to love san, and it was certainly not hard to love jungwoo."

"despite san's views, he never really gave up on love, i don't think. just wanted to choose it himself, but also just refused to let anyone feel that way about him, because he doesn't think he deserves it. he hates love more than anything else in the world because he'd been hurt by it more than anyone i've known. so he did as i instructed and covered his forearm so he wouldn't have to feel it forcibly." another acrid sigh.

"i thought it would help him. but jungwoo fell for him quickly, too quickly, and san was just as rapt. i think he began to hope that the name he'd get on his arm would belong to jungwoo, although he wouldn't admit it."

"i thought this... jungwoo already had a soulmate?" wooyoung asks, mildly confused amid the unhappy feelings in his gut.

"yes," kibum replies, wry smile evident in his voice. "but sometimes there's a blip in the system. the universe changes its mind like an indecisive bitch, and three people find themselves in a sticky situation. i think san figured that yukhei's - jungwoo's soulmate - lack of reciprocation would cause their bond to die down and make the universe try again with a new destiny for the two of them. it's happened before."

"so what happened?"

"yukhei did." the disgust is clear in the mans voice, and wooyoung is beginning to understand just how much this man cares for san. despite what he's just heard about san's unwillingness to let anyone love him, it seems he failed with kibum. "he came for jungwoo, and even though that kid was in love san... well, 'fate' is stronger. he went with his soulmate without a glance back." kibum pauses before adding, "although, it probably helped that san wasn't around to intervene."

wooyoung tries to absorb all the information he's just received, multiple storms rampaging in his skull. too much to unpack. "why are you telling me all this?" he wonders aloud.

"didn't mean to, really." kibum admits, "bit of an over-sharer. guess i wanted to make sure you know what you're getting into. maybe it'll deter you from san, and prevent you both from getting hurt. is it to late for me to ask you to try not to fall in love with him?"

wooyoung's sky blue eyes turn overcast. trying. trying very hard, and failing miserably.

he's left to marinate on all of this for the rest of his school day, not really getting anywhere with it. he feels guilty about knowing more about san than he should; everything kibum said is definitely very private.

what he really wants is to know san is okay, and have him in his arms again. definitely failing.

-

wow that is a bloody long chapter 😳

if i had a dollar for every time a wrote "..." i might actually be able to afford ateez's lightstick 😔✊

opinions on mots7? i'm a hoe for filter it's deadass the best track

but they all go hard ngl

xxx

edit: the fact this was published originally when mot7 came out just.... shocking

also i'm putting random lyrics that fit the story before some chapters so enjoy that