Levi's POV...

I don't find the room nearly as stuffy anymore. The couch is comfy, the walls are fixed where they should be, and the ceiling isn't caving in on me.

This is my sixth one-on-one session with Chris and I can honestly say I'm learning how to cope with what happened to me. I have a long way to go, and spending the last eight weeks trying to recover from my seizures has made it hard to stay positive. Chris is teaching me to accept the process of healing and that recovery takes time, sometimes years or a lifetime. I'm realizing having a spinal cord injury is a lifetime of good days and bad days and a lot of persistent hard work to keep my body functioning to its fullest potential, what ever that will be.

I've heard all of this before. Many times from Charlotte. It's different though hearing it from the person you're in love with and the way she cares so much for me, sometimes I feel like it's too good to be true. Like she's supposed to tell me how great I'm doing and everything will be fine because she loves me. Hearing it all from Chris too, puts things in a different perspective for me and helps me realize that Charlotte's been right all along. Not because she's just trying to make me happy, but because she truly believes in me and pushes me to keep going so that I can make myself happy.

"You're barely at the two year mark since your accident, Levi, and you've had some bumps along the way. But look at you! You walked in here today using crutches and not the wheelchair." Chris is always looking at the positives.

He's right. Everyone, even all the doctors say that accomplishing walking within a year after my injury is miraculous. Sure, I regressed after Charlotte and I made some impulsive decisions I'm sure we'll always regret. That's another subject Chris has tried to address with me. He'd like to get more into that when Charlotte comes here with me next week, since we both have some unresolved issues and guilt about that time.

Currently, Chris is having me focus on my present physical and mental state. If I keep harping on the what-ifs, then it's harder to focus on the now. And right now, I want to be able to stay out of my chair and manage using these damn crutches.

Yesterday was another bad day for my legs and I didn't think I'd be up walking today. This seems to be a part of my life that Chris is helping me navigate. I'll have a stretch of good days, my body feels strong, I'm improving and then bam! The nerves that run from my spine forget to connect to my legs...mostly my left leg. My right leg is back to being the more dominant one with the occasional glitch from time to time.

"How do you feel about using crutches now?" Chris asks me.

"Good, like I'm moving forward again. Nervous too." I admit.

"Tell me what makes you nervous." He writes in his notebook. I wonder how many pages he's filled with all my problems.

"I'm worried about when my next difficult day will happen."

"Is that how you would describe yesterday?"

"Yeah, I'd say so." I look down at my legs. The involuntary shaking has finally become bearable.

"Describe what a bad day looks like," he says. I'd rather not relive that in my head, but he always seems to have a  point.

"Well, I woke up yesterday morning and couldn't even roll over in bed without back spasms. They hurt like hell and I couldn't move my legs at all. That scared the shit out of me to be honest."

"And how did you cope with what was happening?"

Charlotte. She's how I cope. I know that's not what he wants to hear. He's trying to have me work on self coping mechanisms. Truthfully, when I'm physically paralyzed, I don't think there is a way to self-manage my symptoms, I need someone's help. Charlotte's an expert on how to deal with these situations and there was nothing much I could do. She was by my side without hesitation because her tender heart refuses to watch me suffer. She loves me, more than I've ever been loved before, and it feels incredible to have that kind of love in my life after what's happened to me. If Chris thinks there's a problem with me needing Charlotte's assistance, then I'm not really sure what to say about that.

"Charlotte helped me," I confess.

"In what way exactly?" He's persistent, I give him that.

"First she tried stretching my legs and back, then she tried massaging them. That only brought minor relief, I still couldn't lift my legs on my own without my back seizing up. So, she ran me a hot bath and got me into the wheelchair and somehow into the tub. The spasms in my back relaxed after sitting in the hot water for thirty minutes," I tell him.

"Was your day better after that?"

"Not really. My back was fine yet my legs were back to shaking again. So basically I couldn't walk and Charlotte did all my transfers with me."

"Did you have any panic attacks during any of that? Difficulty breathing?"

"No." I tell him. Thinking about it, I didn't freak out at all, hmm.

"What did you do to stay calm?" Did you need Charlotte to calm you down or help you breathe?"

"I used my breathing techniques and I allowed time for the hot water to soothe my muscles." Charlotte didn't need to remind me at all. I kept myself calm this time.

"I was concentrating on one thing at a time. Once my back felt better, I focused on keeping my legs rested and allowed Charlotte to move them for me, knowing that was the only way to stop the shaking."

Chris continues writing everything down.

"Describe the emotions you were feeling yesterday?" Here's where he makes his point.

"I was scared about what was happening to my body and wondering why it was happening. I was more discouraged than angry I guess. I don't enjoy those kind of days at all, but I knew at some point, things would get better.  It's the when and why that bothers me the most and I know I have no control of either of those. So, I kept myself occupied with what I knew my body could do yesterday. When I do that, things don't seem as terrible."

"That's excellent progress, Levi," Chris praises me and I gain a little more pride in myself.

"How do your legs feel today? Do you feel confident when you're using the crutches instead of the chair."

Confident is a strong word, I snort to myself. "If you're asking me if I can get right up and walk around the block, no problem? Then, no, I'm not confident." This morning is literally the first time in almost two months that I use these things. I'm lucky I haven't fallen on my face walking in here.

"What made you decide that this was the morning to use the crutches?" He knows exactly how to rephrase his questions to get more out of me.

"I needed to try. Yesterday, I could barely move and when I woke up today, my legs weren't shaking and my right leg felt stronger than it's been in weeks... so why not give it a go," I shrug my shoulders.

He nods and writes things down again. "What emotions were you feeling when you stood up and took a few steps?"

If I was sitting in this office two years ago, I'd think he's daft. On the contrary, this mad lad has me pouring out my feelings, waiting for the dam to overflow so I can release the floodgates. I'm not quite there yet, only bits and pieces spilling over the edge.

"Happy, relieved, worried all at the same time," I tell him.

"Those are all anxious emotions, Levi. You were afraid you weren't going to be able to accomplish these next steps and were relieved and happy that you could when you tried. I want you to reach a level of self-confidence. Instead of worrying about not standing or walking, focus on whatever helps you to do those things."

What? I'm confused. Apparently the confusion is written all over my face.

"What was the process for getting out of bed and taking a few steps with your crutches?"

I instinctively rub my hand over the molded leg brace that reaches mid-thigh.

"After Charlotte does some stretches with me, I attach this brace. My left leg's been affected the most by the paralysis." I feel my frown as I adjust the brace slightly.

"I don't have much control of this leg from my knee down, especially my ankle and foot, they have a mind of their own. I need the brace almost always. Once attached, I grabbed my crutches and stood up!"

"What happened after you stood up?"

"I fell backwards onto the bed again." He raises his brows at me, waiting for more.

"And then I tried again and that time I was able to take a few steps before adjusting my brace and my stance. I felt fine, so I kept going," I smile to myself. I'm so happy to be on my feet again. The back spasms are a pain in the ass and my balance has been off since I fell and had the seizures, but I'm managing ok with crutches, so I'm pleased about that.

"See, right there! You didn't hesitate after the first attempt and tried again until you succeeded. You had some confidence in yourself instead of loathing over the first unsuccessful attempt. I want you to continue on this path. Know what helps you, what you need to succeed. Your brace, crutches, stretches, are all things you need to help you progress. Don't look at them as reminders that you're disabled, look at them as appendages that help you overcome some of your disabilities."

Easier said than done. I guess I'll try that approach and see if it makes a difference.

"Now...how's you and Landon?"

"We're good, yeah! Did some fishing and some flat trails with my chair. He went back to London last week. He'll be back again when he can get another visa."

Chris nods his head, scribbles something down and rubs his chin with his fingers, thinking of the next round of questions I'm sure. Fire away! I don't mind this anymore.

"How are you and Charlotte? Is there any tension between the two of you when she needs to help you more with your ADL's, like during one of your rough days?"

I smile to myself. I wouldn't call what we have as tension. The other night she was watching me transfer from my chair to the couch and pick up my legs with my hands so I could straighten them out across the cushions and she told me she wanted to jump my bones right then and there. Such a funny girl, how could I refuse her?

"You're smiling, so I'm going to assume you two handle those situations well then?" Oh Chris, you're making me laugh.

"Yeah, we handle situations just fine. Makes us closer," I keep smiling.

"Okay, well we covered a lot today. I'll see you again next week with Charlotte. Remember, you're focusing on self-confidence this week and finding the positives when you put on your brace or grab your crutches."

"Gotcha! I'll do my best," I tell him.

I use my hands to push up from the couch. My balance is off and my left leg is wobbly until I lock my knee straight with my brace. That's more sturdy, I can push my weight forward onto my crutches and take a step. Chris nods his head with approval, while watching me. I'm three paces out the door and thankful I don't have to worry about my leg giving out while I concentrate on keeping my stance right. See, that was positive! Having my full brace on is a good thing in this predicament. This is what Chris is talking about. Good lad.