Elyria looks at me expectantly once the door is closed. I sigh. "Come on. Lets go to the cafeteria and talk. It's six o'clock now, it won't be that crowded." I tell her and she nods.

As we are walking down the hallway in silence, I hear shouting coming from my room behind us, most likely Reese's voice, then the door opens and I make out Reese saying something along the lines of go away, then the door slams shut. I sneak a peek behind me to see Joel standing outside, looking confused and a little hurt. But then he sees me looking and plasters on a look of indifference.

In that moment, I truly hated Reese. Not only was she cheating on a guy, but the guy she was cheating with didn't even know. He was going to have his reputation messed up and he didn't even know what he was doing.

I look away, a sour feeling in my mouth. We walk to the cafeteria in silence.

I was wrong. The cafeteria is full of people. I underestimated how many had day jobs and ate dinner early, We struggle to find an empty table. When we do it is near the corner, next to a group talking in hushed whispers underneath the sound of the rest of the cafeteria. Tala is among them and looks at me as we sit down but then looks away, either in disgust or embarrassment.

If it was any other time I would be wary of all the other people, but tonight my mind is completely on Reese. The moment we are sitting down, Elyria says, "I take it you didn't know about that considering you're so angry."

I shake my head. "No I didn't fucking know that my roommate was cheating on a guy." I say angrily.

Elyria nods. "Didn't think so. But if you don't mind me asking, why are you so mad? You don't even like Tyran."

"Yeah, I don't, you're right, but I do like Reese. Although we're a little prickly at times, she's one of the only friends I have, and I hate the fact that she will throw away her boyfriend so easily. I hate that she won't tell the other boy what she's doing so he can tell her whether he wants to throw away his reputation. And most of all, I hate that she would do this when last night she told me how much she liked him. Maybe she was just saying that out of guilt and she didn't really mean it, but either way, I hate it. I hate that she wouldn't be truthful with me. I hate that she would be such a bitch to a guy, two guys even, and I hate that she would even think about doing something like this." At the back of my mind, I notice Tala glancing at us and whispering something to the person beside her then standing up and walking away, but I don't fully register it. She was probably just finished her meal.

I put my head in my hands and take a shaky breath. I was so confused and I felt so bad, but I wasn't even entirely sure why. It shouldn't be a huge surprise to me but it is. I never thought Reese would do that to someone. Go behind their backs, keeping secrets without them even suspecting. Pulling them apart without them realising.

I knew Reese was a bit of a bitch but this is another matter entirely. She was not just a bitch but a slut as well.
Elyria sighs. "You know Mae, I was totally joking when I was talking about you and Tyran. I know you hate him. It's obvious from the way you two trained me today. I was just trying to stir you up. When I said we had to get rid of-"

I cut her off, holding up a hand. "Just stop talking. Stop." It comes out ruder than I want it to but at the moment I don't really care.

"Okay." Is all she says. For a while, we are both just quiet. With my head still in my hands, I look at the table then close my eyes and try counting to ten and back to calm down. I'm counting 5 for the third time when Elyria sighs and I hear her stand up.

"Well, seeing as this hasn't been a very successful friend making session, I'm going to go. Sorry about Reese." She says this so sincerely I look up. My hair is falling out all over the place and last time I checked, my eyes had bags. I hadn't slept much since Calix's death. I must look terrible, but Elyria doesn't seem repelled.
Suddenly, I feel so bad and have such a strong longing for Calix it hurts. She was so much like him but so different in so many ways. She had his smile but not his eyes, his tenderness but it wasn't as frequent, and she had his lips but his would never again touch mine.

It was pulling me apart all over again.

But I keep it together, for her sake. She smiles softly at me. "Can you do me a favour and eat something while you're here? No need to starve yourself because of your roommate."
I force a nod and a mini smile, although I'm not exactly sure why she is being so caring. I listen to her anyway, and once she's gone, I grab a tray of food from the cafeteria workers. One of them smiles at me when I get it, but most just continue working like I'm invisible, which I wish I was. I get back to the table just as another group of girls in tank tops showing their abbie grades off to everyone is about to take it. One moves to sit next to me but I move over and look at them. They're some of the younger kids, only 13 or 14. The one that tried to sit next to me stares at me pleadingly, almost like one of the white puppies in the pet shop in the white market, jumping on the glass and staring at passers by with big eyes, looking to find a home. Every time I walk past them I have to look away, because I learnt long ago what happens to the puppies that don't get adopted, and not being able to buy one as a black always tears my heart out. The girl here doesn't make me feel like that though, because I know she has it out for her just fine. I can see the A tattoo on her shoulder clearly. I know I shouldn't hate her just because of her grade but tonight the envy is getting to me. I recognise her from training as one of the girls who recently passed through. One of her friends taps her shoulder and whispers something so they reluctantly move along.

I look back at my tray. It looks so unappetising and it isn't even warm, but I eat anyway, because I have Elyria's voice in my head, so much like Calix. She was right. I shouldn't starve because of Reese.

As I'm eating though, it just gets less bearable, because I keep imagining Calix in the empty seat opposite me, until I can't even stand it. I end up leaving before I've even had a quarter of my meal. And with an F sized portion, it isn't much.

I wander the hallways for a while, not doing much just staying away from my room. The hallways are busy, and every second person I see stares at me. I don't pay attention to them though. I am too busy trying to figure out things in my head.

I do see Tala though at one point. She is talking to a group of girls and guys, some of the people Reese is 'friends' with. She admitted to me once before that she doesn't really have any real friends, the people she hangs out with are just for popularity. I had felt a bit hurt when she said that but she had rolled her eyes and said, 'Maedana, do I hang out with you? No. That would be a social disaster, no offence, but you are pretty much my only real friend.'

Tala and the five others there stare at me as well as I walk past, and lower their voices so I can't hear. I do hear one guy say to Tala something along the lines of, "are you sure?" but it doesn't spark up any curiosity. People had been whispering about me for weeks.

Eventually, as it gets later, I head back to my room. Reese isn't there and there is one of the complex issued black water bottle next to her bed with the lid on the other side of the room, but when I pick it up to put it back on her shelf, I catch a whiff of something that definitely wasn't water. I screw the lid back on and put the bottle down. I knew that Reese often drank. She never told me why, but she did it in private, in our room where no one can see here. Sometimes I come back from a night shift and she is so drunk, she's sitting in our bathroom, crying on the concrete floor, her hair wet with stuff that isn't just alcohol and a toilet that smells worse than the sewers (which were terrible, trust me, that was a patrol I too often had on my schedule). On those nights, I just flush the toilet, pick her up and wash her hair in the small basin in the bathroom, then gently put her to sleep. If she starts crying or breaking down, I just tell her it's alright until she calms down and falls back to sleep. I always wash out her drink bottle and fill it with real water whenever I can, but tonight I really don't feel like it. Let her drink if she wants to. She should.

I sigh and sit down on my bed. It's crazy how quickly my perspective can change.

I stare at the floor for a moment then lie down and stare at the ceiling. I sit up when I hear Reese come in but she doesn't look at me. In fact, she looks anywhere but me. So in turn, I look anywhere but her.

Gradually, my mind quietens down and I drift off to sleep. I don't know why, but I dream of bright colours. Colours I haven't seen for years. But while I'm dreaming I am also very restless and I wake up halfway through the night in anxiety. Reese is sitting on her bed, staring at me, her face emotionless. Our digital clock reads 1:28. Everything is silent and the lights are all off, just the dim ones from the hallway lighting the room through the crack under the door.

For a moment I think I'm still dreaming but as I come to my senses I realise that I'm not. I'm awake. And Reese is staring at me.

I sit up and look at her. She is completely still. In her hand she holds the bottle and the lid is unscrewed and beside her on the table.

After a moment, she finally speaks.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a terrible person. I'm sorry."

As she speaks, her voice breaks and she starts crying.

Suddenly, I feel stupid. This was ridiculous. I shouldn’t be so mad. It was her life. I slide my legs out from the sheets and place a hand on her knee.  “It’s okay Reese. You aren’t a terrible person.”

She shakes her head. “Yes I am. I am terrible. You shouldn’t be so kind. I’m an asshole.”

I sigh. “No you aren’t Reese.”

She starts crying and I can tell she is extremely drunk. “Go away Maedana. Go back to sleep.”

I nod. “I will if you do.”    

For a moment we are both silent and still, then she lies down. Slowly, I get back in bed and look at her. 

“Mae?” She says suddenly, her voice calm.

“Yeah?”

“You won’t tell anyone will you?”

“No. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I am an asshole you know.” 


“I know. But we’re friends anyway.”

“You’re a good friend you know.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I thought maybe if I drank until I was drunk it wouldn’t feel as bad. But instead my brain is just confused and I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

I don’t know what to say so instead I just remain silent.

“I don’t really like Tyran that much. We’re both really similar, and I don’t think that I would be able to like someone so much like me. I don’t even like myself.”

“Well I do. Even if I’m the only person that does, I like you. Don’t give up.”

“Alright.”

I hear her slide under her sheets and I smile.

“Goodnight Reese.”

“Goodnight Maedana.”