As I put the letter down with shaking hands, thoughts whip through my head like they're in a cyclone.

Reese was a spy.

No.

Reese lied.

It isn't true.

Reese killed Calix.

No. No. No. This is wrong. This whole letter is wrong. No. It was just some cruel joke. Reese wasn't a spy. She didn't kill Calix. She wasn't suicidal. She wasn't in league with Aril. No. It was all false.

I knew Reese. She would tell me about something like this. She wouldn't just keep it secret.

She kept the drugs secret, a voice in my head whispers.

But that was different. Wasn't it? No. It wasn't. Reese hid the drugs because she thought she could fix it herself. She wouldn't have gone for help about this. She would have tried to get through the problem on her own.

I feel a scream build in my throat. Despite how much I wish I could believe that this whole letter is a joke, all the facts are here, and I know that it's true.

Everything in the letter is true.

"No." I mutter, shaking my head. Then I say it louder, almost like I'm reassuring myself. "No!"

Reese didn't kill Calix. She wouldn't do that.

You were completely wrong about her, I think to myself.

No! I knew Reese. She wouldn't! She didn't!

Calix is dead because of her.

The air seems to be getting thicker and I'm struggling to breathe. I feel like I'm trapped in a box.

She was just pretending all along.

No. Reese didn't lie.

It was all just an act.

I need to get out of here. Away from these thoughts. I need to get rid of the sick feeling rising in my stomach. I need to find Reese and get things straight.

Reese killed herself.

That stops me dead in my tracks. The sick feeling in my stomach rises to my mouth and I struggle to get to the bathroom.

I get to the small dark cubicle attatched to our room and the moment I'm close enough, I vomit into the toilet.

I don't know what was in my stomach that I could actually hurl out, but it's all gone now. When it's all gone, I fall back against the wall and start sobbing.

It's all true. I know it's all true. Everything she wrote in the letter. She was a complex spy. She had only been friends with me to get more information for Aril. She stabbed Calix.

Then she shot herself.

Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I ever pick up on any of it? How could I not have known?

I can't handle it all. I need to scream. I need to cry. I need to get rid of all this. I wish I could go back to the way it was before any of this. Before I found out about Reese's drugs. Maybe before Calix died. Or before I even met Calix, and I was happy being a black.

Happy being a black?

No black is ever happy. Happiness is for the stable mind. The stable life. We are all unstable. We don't deserve happiness. Maybe that's why mine keeps being ripped away from me.

No. That isn't true. I know that the reason my happiness is ripped away from me is because of woman only. The same woman that ordered Reese to kill Calix.

Aril Trey.

For a moment, I feel my sadness being turned into hatred and anger towards her.

Then it all evaporates as I realize that she controls me. She can kill whoever she wants. She warned me about this. Why didn't I listen?

The bathroom is filled with the stench of my vomit. I reach over and close the lid of the toilet, then flush it.

I shake my head and try to calm down, but it doesn't work. I keep imagining Reese writing the letter. Spending so much time drawing the blackbird on the seal. Trying not to cry as she wrote it with a shaking hand.

I wish I can switch off the images flipping through my head. I wish I could stop imagine her stabbing Calix, then dragging him to the hospital. I wish I couldn't imagine her having to deal with torture every time she screws up.

Yet I can't. I can't get them out of my head.

They plague my mind. I feel sick. The air seems thick. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't know.

Everything is falling apart.

Reese killed Calix.

That thought. It won't leave me. I can't get rid of it. Reese killed Calix, then Reese killed herself.

Except Reese didn't kill Calix. She stabbed him and took him to the hospital. Calix died because they shut his life support off. It was Aril that killed Calix.

Just because she didn't stab him, doesn't mean she didn't hold the knife.

I feel like I'm drowning in pain. I'm having trouble breathing the air around me. My chest feels tight an sore and my head is pounding.

Tears fill my eyes and a lump builds in my throat, making it even harder to breathe.

I feel sick and I don't know what to do.

Just breathe, I tell myself, in and out.

Focusing on that, I slowly calm down. The pounding in my head fades to a dull throb and I feel my chest loosen as air flows through my lungs. I move my thoughts away from Reese and Calix and try to focus on something else. I think about the book, Romeo and Juliet, and how in love they were with each other. So in love that they couldn't bear being apart.

If only suicide was that romantic in real life.

The lump I my throat returns and I violently steer myself away from those thoughts.

I think about Elyria and how her training is going, and realize that I barely even know. Not good, I'm pretty sure. She has Tyran as well but Elyria is his first student, and I'm supposed to be teaching him how to teach as well.

I take a deep breath and pull myself up off the bathroom floor.

I look at Reese's bed and feel like screaming, but I keep it in and just focus on breathing normally. Tears pull at my eyes and I blink them away. What I need to do right now is focus on something. I need to take my mind away from all the secrets that aren't secrets anymore.

I look at the screen beside the door that displays my schedule. I'm supposed to be at the training room at 7:45 AM. Looking at the clock on the wall, I see that it's 7:14. I sigh and walk to the chest of drawers that holds all my clothes. I pull out a clean pair of tights, a shirt and socks. I take a quick look at the door then get changed. Usually I would get changed in the bathroom because of privacy, but Reese isn't around so I don't worry about it.

Reese isn't around. That makes it sound like she is just over at Tyran's room or something. If only.

My heart aches for a moment so I steer my thoughts away from the topic.

I finish getting dressed and head to the door. I grab my gun and pause. I look back at the room and at Reese's bed. I shake my head, feeling sick, tears tugging at my eyes, and walk out the door.

I blink the tears away.

~~~

The cafeteria is crowded. Everyone is being so loud. It's making my head pound already. I get a tray of food from the counter and search for an empty table. I realize there is none and feel sick, realizing I'm going to have to sit with strangers.

I'm contemplating ditching breakfast when a woman in her early twenties approaches me with a smile.

"Hey." She says in a kind voice. "You're Maedana right?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"I'm Autumn." She tells me, still smiling at me softly. "Do you want to come sit with us?" She asks and gestures to a table. Three other people sit there, looking about her age. They look nice enough so I nod. "Okay."

We weave through the tables and Autumn sits down and gestures to the place opposite her. "This is Maedana." She says, addressing the other three sitting down. They smile at me kindly and I look for the grudge. I look for the glance exchanged that asks what's she doing here. When I don't find it I nervously smile back.

"This is Uric." Autumn says gesturing to the boy sitting next to her. He looks around my age or a bit older. Maybe around 19. He smiles at me softly and then goes back to eating his food. He doesn't seem shy exactly, just silent. He wears a shock of shaggy ink black hair and a long fringe that reaches to down to cover his eyes. I'm relieved to see his eyes are grey, or if they're coloured, he hides them under contacts. With a glance at the rest of that their eyes are all grey as well. Good. I was done with rebellious coloured eyes. Hopefully it was a sign that they weren't CD junkies trying to recruit me. After last night I didn't want to have anything to do with the CD.

"You know my name." Autumn continues with a smile and then gestures to a frizzy red headed girl beside me leaning her head on the shoulder of a boy beside her with black skin and short black hair in a crew cut. "This is Aida. She and Click here.. have a thing going." Autumn says with a grin. Aida rolls her eyes at Autumn and smiles at me. Click strokes his fingers through Aida's hair and nods at me. "Hi." He says, but doesn't stop playing with Aida's hair.

"Hi." I reply and then look at my tray of food. It looks small and unappetising, but I can't really afford to be picky.

I tuck into the watery mince and grey mush that is somehow classified as vegetables.

There isn't much there so I finish it pretty quickly and then sit there, still pretty hungry, not knowing what to do.

Aida must read my mind because she slides the rest of her tray to me and smiles. "Here. Have mine."

I stare at her in disbelief. "Really?" I ask uncertainly.

She nods. "I'm not hungry." Then she grins and looks at Click. "Well, not that sort of hungry."

He grins back and kisses her. I ignore her horny comment and take the tray and start to eat. She's got a pretty big meal and it feels good to finally have enough.

I eat it all, savoring every mouthful. Something about her act of kindness makes it taste nicer. When I finish, for the first time in a long time, I'm full. Autumn is also finished and I offer to take her tray up to the washing up with mine and Aida's. She shakes her head and stands up. "It's okay you just carry yours."

We head up together and she starts asking me about what my job is and what I like doing. I ask her a few questions as well and find out she became a black three years ago when she was 17. She got a B for stealing.

Through talking to her and a full meal, I almost feel normal. I almost forget about the CD and Reese.

Except I see the notice board and I am strongly reminded about all of it. Listed under the words recent deaths is her name in red electronic font.

Reese is dead.

Seeing her name written there suddenly makes it all the more real.

Reese killed herself. It wasn't just a dream. She is really dead. She made the decision and pulled a gun to her own head, then shot it.

I go from feeling fine, almost happy, to feeling like I'm going to throw up all the food I just ate, in a matter of seconds.

Autumn seems to see the change and stops talking about how she has to clean white houses as her job. "Maedana are you okay?" She asks and I shake my head and look away from the board, tears in my eyes.

When Calix died, I was spacey. But this isn't spacey. This is pain. Heart wrenching pain.

I try to calm myself down but I can't help it. My head grows heavy as I think of the way she looked as she gave her final speech. Make sure she knows I'm sorry.

The tears in my eyes slip out, and my throat feels tight. My breathing gets shallower and I start to struggle for air.

Shaking my head, I try to calm myself down. It's okay, I tell myself, except I'm lying because it's not okay. Reese killed herself.

Reese hid so many secrets from me for so many years and I didn't know. I had no clue. Yet said she was my best friend. From what I can see, I wasn't even close to hers. You didn't hide secrets like that from your best friend. You didn't kill your best friends boyfriend. You didn't kill yourself if you had a best friend. If you had a best friend you would go to them for help.

So no. It doesn't seem like I was anywhere near being Reese's best friend. Yet she was mine, and somehow, that made it all so much more painful.

"Maedana? What's wrong?" Autumn asks, but I cant answer because I'm struggling to breathe through the fear. The pain.

Stop being so hysterical, I try to tell myself, but I can't help it. Anxiety fills me and my head starts to throb.

"Maedana?" Autumns voice is growing in worry and I wish I could just calm down and say that I am okay, but I can't because I'm not okay. None of this is okay.

She's gone.

She's gone forever.

Dead.

I focus on breathing and trying to stop crying.

"Maedana, I think you're having an anxiety attack." Autumn says to me in a calm voice. I hear her say something to a blonde haired man nearby but I don't catch what. The man nods and heads away to the kitchen. Autumn places a hand on my back and looks me in the eyes. "Come on Maedana, we are going to go outside the cafeteria. That man, Snips," she points to the blonde that is over by the kitchen, talking to one of the white guards, "he's going to get you some water. Try to breathe. Okay Maedana?"

I nod and do as she says. Anxiety attack? I didn't have anxiety. This wasn't anxiety. Was it?

Autumn leads me out of the cafeteria to a few meters from the entrance and continues talking to me in a calm voice. "Maedana, I need you to figure out what you are thinking about and what has caused you to get so worked up. I need you to figure that out and stop thinking about it. Did you like the breakfast this morning?"

I know whats caused this. I need to stop thinking about Reese. It's too painful.I focus on what Autumn is saying to me. Did I like breakfast? I nod, not capable to get a word out.

"Aida was pretty nice to give you her food, wasn't she?" She asks and I give a slight smile and nod. I feel the air start to flow through my lungs normally and I slowly stop crying.

"That's the way sweetheart. Just breathe in and breathe out. What do you think about Uric, Click and Aida?" She asks and I am finally calm enough to let out words.

"They're nice." I say and although it isn't saying much, I see the relief flood into Autumns face. I am still taking big gasps of air, and I haven't stopped crying completely but I'm feeling better.

Autumn smiles at me. "Yeah, they are, although Click can be a bit annoying sometimes."

"How?" I ask, still not really able to speak too much. My throat feels sore and my stomach is still settling down.

Autumn keeps smiling at me and places a hand on my arm. Somehow, having her there makes me feel better and more secure. "He has the habit of just subconsciously clicking his tongue. It's how he got his nickname. Not even he knows why he does it. Sometimes he doesn't even realise. A bit annoying, really." She smiles at me as the blond guy, Snips, slips out of the cafeteria holding a bottle in one hand and something in a white wrapper in his other. He sees us and gives me a smile, then walks over.

"Hey Maedana. I got you some water, and something to cheer you up." He passes me the bottle and I take a big gulp, feeling better as the waterslips down my sore throat. Snips smiles at me. "It took a bit of pushing but I know a few of the white's that work around here and they gave me some." He says. He hands me the white rapped rectangular object and I frown and open it to find a bar of chocolate inside. Chocolate? I hadn't had any since I was in the nursery. I couldn't even remember how it tasted.

I look up at Snips, feeling shocked. He grins. "Try some. It will help make you feel better."

I nod and snap a piece off then put it in my mouth. It is sweet and delicious, by far the best thing I've tasted in years. Tears start to pull at my eyes again but this time they aren't because of Reese. Autumn places an arm around my shoulders and slips her hand in mine. "It's okay Maedana. You're alright now." She says with a reassuring smile, and I barely know her but she's probably the kindest person I've ever met.

"Thank you." I say and I mean it. If it weren't for her I'd probably still be struggling to breathe.

"You're welcome. I'd calm down someone in a panic attack any day. I know how terrible they are." She says with a sad smile. "My best friend used to have them."

I frown. "Where is she now?"

She hesitates for a moment, looks at me and then shakes her head. "She... She's still a white."

I give her an apologetic soft smile. I take another sip of water and a deep breath in.

"Alright Maedana. Didn't you say you had training? That will start soon. Do you want me to walk you there?" Autumn asks and I shake my head.

"It's okay." I wipe away the tears on my cheeks and smile. "I think I'll be okay."

She smiles back at me. "Alright. Stay safe Maedana. If you need to, take a break every now and again."

"Oh, and watch out for stuff that might trigger another panic attack." Snips adds

I nod and offer the bar of chocolate back to him. He shakes his head. "Keep it. It will help if it happens again."

I smile and slip it into my pocket. "Thank you." I say to them, and I really mean it.