When I finally find my way back to the black block, it's 3:00 am. I fall into bed and look over to Reese's. I wait for her to burst into the room, kissing some guy, and I wait to feel awkward and a bit disgusted. I wait for her to apologise in a Reese-like way and get into bed. I wait for her to come back and lie down in that bed.

But as I wait, dread sets in. I know she is never going to come back. I'm never going to wake up to her in the bed next to mine. I am never going to see her smile at me across the cafeteria again, in the smallest way, and keep me going. I'm never again going to see her laugh. I'm never again going to have a conversation with her.

She is gone. She left. She's never coming back.

I want to fall asleep, and get away from my torturous thoughts, but I can't.

My mind keeps coming back to what she said. I want her to keep reading. It will give her the answers she should have.

What did she mean? Keep reading what? Did she mean to keep studying? What answers should I have?

My gaze moves to the drawer on Reese's side of the room where she hid all her liquor and the drugs. I think about everything that had happened in the past few days, from Reese cheating on Tyran to finding out about her addiction.

I get up and slowly walk to the drawer. I slide it open and look at all the jars. There are so many. I pick up a black bottle and shake it. I hear the satisfactory swish of liquor inside and open the cap off. Lifting it towards me mouth, I hesitate for a moment. I can smell the bitter alcohol inside, and it reminds me of all the times I came home to Reese drinking from one of these bottles.

How many times was she not drinking liquor, but taking drugs? How many times did I mistake her high as just tired?

I push the thoughts out of my mind and take a gulp from the bottle. It's strong, and bitter, but I can't say it's bad.

I drink the rest of the bottle, but it doesn't help. My mind keeps spitting Reese's words at me. Little things I missed. Things I should have picked up on.

I need to be brave to do what I'm doing tonight. Getting drunk makes me brave.

How could I be so stupid. She hadn't been talking about confronting Tyran when she said that earlier. She'd been talking about shooting herself.

I want her to keep reading. It will give her the answers she should have.

What was she talking about? What do I need to keep reading?

Then I finally remember it. The letter. Not the one from Aril, asking me to be a spy, but the other one. The one from Reese, with the bird on it.

I put the lid back on the empty bottle and walk back to my bed. The book sits where I left it, beside my bed, and I slip the letter out. I'm itching to open it, but something about the book in my hands stops me. I place the letter in the back of it and run my hand over the cover.

Keep reading.

With those words in my head, I open it and do just that. Continue reading.

I feel myself fall into the words, the terrible world way before the complex, and way before people were labelled stable and unstable.

I forget my problems, forget the world around me and read. The words have a way they play in your head. They're so old, but I understand them. It's hard to get into, but eventually I get the rhythm and feel myself focus more on the story than the language. I find myself becoming in sync with the characters, rooting for some and hating others. I spend hours reading. When I get towards the end, and Romeo and Juliet are so torn apart they kill themselves, I have to stop, because suddenly I feel sick. I remember what Reese said to me, just hours earlier.

It was a good story. Especially the end. It gave me ideas about what I should do with my life.

I think the thing that makes me feel the most helpless is the fact that she left all the little hints, and I didn't pick up on any of them.

I pull the letter out but I can't bring myself to open it.

The answers she should have.

What was in it? What answers should I have? It's as I'm pondering over these questions that I remember something Howell said in our conversation earlier.

Reese gave us very valuable information.

I don't know why I pick up on it now, but something about the way he said it makes me wonder exactly what he was talking about.

It's not about being a black. That's not why I started the drugs.

All these little things Reese said are filling my head. I don't know what they mean, I don't know what she meant, but they're making me dizzy.

I ruined your life! I'm ruining your life still! I ruin everything.

I reach for the envelope and as I pick it up, I know that the answers I should have are going to tear me apart. I don't know how, or why, but I know Reese had secrets, and I know that some of them are going to be bad. Very bad.

So many secrets, Maedana. They hurt me in ways you don't know. So many things I regret. So much pain. So many secrets.

I trace a finger around the black bird she's drawn, looking at all the detail. I wonder when she had time to draw it. How long had she been working on this letter? It's thick, so there must be a fair bit of paper in there. How much did she write?

I take a deep breath, turn the envelope over and slowly tear it open. My hand shake as I pull out the letter. It's hand written, and it's a bit messy, with bits and pieces scribbled over. There's a fair few pages, and it's written on white paper, in a rich black pen.

I take another deep breath, close my eyes for a moment to calm myself down, then start to read.

Maedana

I'm writing this so you get answers. I know that I'm never going to be able to tell you face to face all the secrets I have been keeping, so I decided to do it by hand. If I just tell them all at once, it probably won't make much sense, so I'll start from the beginning and work my way there.

I was a saint in the nursery. Well, not exactly, but everyone believed I was. I learnt that if you were quiet, people got the impression that you were good, and polite. So I worked into that. I only ever made one real friend, when I was four or five, and it was one of those rare occasions that we didn't turn out polar opposites as we grew up, but rather got closer than ever. Her name was Kira and she was the only person I was ever really myself around.

I remember I was good at keeping my mouth shut. I think that was half my problem. The other half of my problem was that I was so willing to do things. I kept secrets that I knew I should tell. I did what people asked, even when I didn't agree with it. I've always wished I wasn't like that. Those qualities, as well as most others I have, make me hate myself.

When I took the devotion, I had no idea what apprenticeship I was going to do. That was another part of the problem. Maybe if I'd been prepared and ready with a career, she wouldn't have picked one for me.

Or maybe it was too late. She'd already seen my qualities. She knew I'd be perfect.

I think it was a few days after my devotion when I got the letter. It was brief. It wasn't too descriptive. It just said I was going to serve Aril Trey and to report to the centre building for the apprenticeship.

The first day, I remember feeling really out of place. I was the only 10 year old there. There were about twenty or so other people, ranging from my age to about 35 or 40. There were a couple of teenagers, and some of them were blacks and some were whites.

I remember the thing that I found weirdest was that the whites talked to the blacks, not with ugly looks on their faces but just like they were equal.

Back then I didn't know that it was because everyone in that room was said to be stable. I didn't know that the only reason some of them were blacks because their missions required them in the black lifestyle. I also didn't know how much every one of them had at stake. I didn't know what Aril was doing to convince them to keep doing what I have now been doing for years.

I remember someone came up and asked me whether it was my first meeting. I had said yes. I think that lady was gone a few meetings after. Maybe Aril was happy with her service and let her live the rest of her life. It's more likely she didn't do what she was told and Aril killed her.

See, Maedana that's the harsh reality of serving Aril. Sooner or later, you'll be six feet under.

I guess I have to tell you what I've actually been doing then. My job. You have no idea how hard this is to write. How much these memories hurt. Well they aren't really memories if I'm still living it right now.

When Aril came into that first meeting, I was kind of star struck. I didn't understand how much of a devil she was. I still thought she was like a brilliant queen. It's funny how quickly our view on things changes.

She addressed the whole crowd, but I didn't understand what she was saying. It was all in technical terms and things I didn't know what meant.

After she finished talking, the other people made a line in front of her and started handing her folders. White folders, like the one you'll find in my personal drawer. Don't look at it yet, because it won't make sense until you know what exactly is going on.

When everyone finished handing their folders to Aril, she told them to wait in the room. I was confused, not knowing what was going on. She disappeared with the folders into an adjoining private room. We waited for ages, and I was a bit awkward, not talking to anyone. After a while, Aril came back out, and called a name. She went back into the room, this time with the person. we waited a bit then she came out and called another name. Eventually, when there was no one left in the room, she called my name. I went into the office and she handed me a folder and told me I was going to be a spy, but first I needed to test my loyalty. She said that I would be doing whatever she asked me to, and that if I didn't there would be consequences.

For the next few weeks, I trained. I was taught how to act, what to say, and what I was expected to do. The more I learnt, the less I liked the job. One day I went up to Aril Trey and told her I wasn't going to be a spy. I expected her to give me another apprenticeship and move on, but instead, she just pursed her lips and asked me to return again tomorrow, but earlier.

The next day was a bit blurry. When I arrived, there were people in black clothes and masks. They closed in on me, and started whipping me, and hurting me. I don't remember much about what happened exactly, but I remember afterwards I woke up in a dark room, in a bed, attached to all this hospital equipment. I stayed in that dark room for ages, and people came to check on me, but I didn't know what was going on. When I finally got out of the dark room, Aril came up to me and told me that she expected no more ridiculousness, or next time it would be worse.

I think that was the first time I really saw the devil in Aril. I had run away crying after I talked to her, and I went back to my white dormitory. Kira asked whether I was okay and what was wrong, and I told her about what was going on. I didn't think about what Aril would do if I told her secret.

The next day, I woke in a better mood, but it disintegrated as I realised that Kira, the only friend I ever really had in my white life, was missing.

At training that day, Aril pulled me aside and told me she wanted to show me something.

She led me to a hidden elevator and took me inside. There were only two buttons, one for her quarters, and the other she pressed. When the doors opened, we were in a long, brightly lit hallway, lined with doors. I remember I thought it was really big at the time. I later discovered just how big it was, with 76 metal doors, and 76 rooms behind them.

Only half of them are occupied with people.

It is a dungeon. But not for people that have done anything wrong. For people Aril feels the need to confine. Whether for personal matters, or other problems, she has all these people locked up.

She led me to one of the doors halfway down and told me to look.

Inside Kira was lying on the concrete ground. Aril told me that the next time I did something wrong, she wouldn't hurt me, she would hurt her.

I realise that I've gone into more detail than I really should, but I need you to know why I did what I did.

I did what she wanted me to from then on out. I learnt not to tell anyone what I did, and I trained and went on miniature missions.

After almost a year of training, I finally got assigned to a role. To monitor the recently retrieved girl that escaped the complex.

It meant I had to give up my white life, and become a black, and I wasn't ready for that. They had to torture Kira in front of my eyes, for hours, until I finally gave in and said I would do what Aril wanted me to.

The first day, I was so scared. When I met you for the first time, I was shocked. I expected you to be mean and rude, like I'd grown up thinking that all blacks were. Instead you were really nice. You showed me how everything worked and then you went to bed.

The more I got to know you, the less I wanted to spy on you. How could I lie continuously like this?

I knew I had to though, and I'm sorry.

I was given the job at the cemetery, because Aril knew I could keep the secret of who gets buried in there. I can keep a secret if someone who was said to have died of heart attack, instead has a bullet in their heart.

I've seen so many people dead Maedana. People that died from natural causes, and people that died from guns. Blacks who shot their own gun on themselves. Whites who fell ill to the crossfire. I've seen them all.

You and I became friends, and Aril decided not I break it up because it meant I could get closer to your secrets. Sometimes I'd try to hide something bad you did from her, but she'd always find out in the end, and she would call me to her office and take me down to the level below and make me watch as people tortured Kira. After every time, I would visit her in a secluded ward of the hospital, where Aril hid the people she didn't want anyone to see. I would watch Kira heal and try to make her feel better. I'd tell her I wouldn't let Aril hit her again even though I know if. I did something wrong I wouldn't be able to stop her.

I tried to embrace the life Aril gave, me and I tried to make the most of the friendship between you and me but I always knew in the back of my mind that I was stabbing you in the back, and leaking all your secrets to the person you hate.

As the years bore on, it got harder.

This part is hard to tell but I know I have to. If I don't tell you, you'll never know just how sorry I am. You'll never understand the full extent of my depression.

When Calix came along, I told her everything that happenned between you two. I told her when I suspected you kissed, and I told her when he brought you home, and I told her everything you told me about him.

I tried to be good, so she wouldn't hurt Kira. Well, I say that even though that's only half the reason I told her all about Calix. The thing is, I was also partially jealous. EVen though I had no right to be. I'd been spacing my self from you for years, trying to break the bond Aril wants us to have. I knew tha eventually you would find someone else to be friends with, and I should have been relieved, but instead I felt bad and told Aril everything. I had no idea what she had in store for Calix. I didn't understand why she was so interested in him.

When you shot at the dome, Aril called me to her quarters. There, she told me that you needed to understand where your place was. She told me I needed to talk to you and tell you what you did was wrong. But I couldn't bring myself to talk about it.

Aril didn't use torture when I messed up that time. Instead, she gave me a knife, a kind that was sleek and silver with a black handle that fit into my hand like it was meant for it. It was custom made for me, and although it was terrifying, it was beautiful in way.

But when Aril told me what I would use it for, it lost its beauty.

I was to kill Calix Theon.

The thing is, by this stage Aril figured out that Kira wasn't my only weak point. She figured our that you were closer to me than Kira.

The days before I was supposed to kill him were blurry. I didn't want to do it, but in the end it didn't matter about whether or not I wanted to, I had to.

See, Calix had secrets of his own that I uncovered, and when I did uncover those, I felt a lot less reluctance to kill him. I'm not going to tell you what these secrets were, because for now I'm pretty sure you still need to process mine.

In the night, I led Calix into the open darkness, and started talking to him. There was a lot of anger in that last conversation, and eventually I built up the courage and stabbed him, across the stomach. The moment I did it horror filled me. I didn't think at all about what Aril would do, I just thought about what you would I think.

It was as if I gained super strength, because I picked him up and carried him all the way to the hospital. I told them I found him like this, and that I had considered going after the person that stabbed him but he needed medical attention.

They took him from there and I went back to the black block. I had a shower, to rid myself of the blood, but I remember even after it I felt dirty.

I couldn't sleep, I just cried.

In the morning, I felt even worse, and for a while I considered telling you. But I couldn't without telling you everything. So I stayed quiet and remained the shoulder for you to cry on.

Aril called me to her office that day, and from the moment I got there I knew she was annoyed. She told me that my mission was to kill Calix Theon, and I said that I did. She then told me that if Calix woke up, he was no longer dead, and he would tell everyone who stabbed him. She told me that I would be sent to court and she would have no choice but to execute me. Then she asked me whether I'd prefer to be executed or have Calix dead.
I replied honestly, saying I'd prefer to die. She was angry at me and didn't like my answer.

She said that if it wasn't for how close I was to you, she would probably replace me. But she didn't because she knew that if she killed me no one else would ever be close enough to you to get the information I get.

Come to think of it, through telling you all this you probably won't let anyone as close as I am to you again. I'm kind of relieved, but also sad. I hope some day you get a true friend. One that is into you for more than just the F on your shoulder.

It was a couple of days before I found out about what Aril did to punish me.

I was working in the cemetery, putting herbs and things in the coffins, when my supervisor told to me oversee a white burial.

I went out and watched as the body was lowered into a coffin. I realised it was Kira just as they were closing it.

I don't exactly know when Aril killed her but I know why.

It was while you were in hospital in the weeks after, and I was alone, that I started to plan what I'm going to do. So many times I have told myself that it will get better and I've pushed all my plans away, but every time that happens, the darkness comes back, worse.

If you're reading this, chances are that I gave up trying. I know that sounds bad, but you of all people know how hard it is to keep going.

It isn't your fault Maedana, so don't make yourself guilty with blame because the only person that should have the guilt is Aril because she pushed me to the edge and over.

It's going to be difficult to get over this, I know, but when you do I want you to be a part of the CD. If want you to try and take down Aril. She has ruined my life, she has ruined yours, and she has ruined countless others.

I'm sorry for doing this to you Maedana. I really am. I just can't take living like this anymore.

You know all my secrets now. Or, you will when you read this letter.

All I ask is that you remember me, not as the girl who took her own life but as the girl who tried her best to protect you, even when I was protecting you from me.

This is going to be difficult for you to get through, but just remember that even though I'm not with you in the flesh, I'm with you. I am rooting for you Maedana.

I guess the reason in writing this because I want you to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry for killing Calix. I'm sorry for lying to you for so long. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused, you and the pain I am going to cause you when I'm gone.

I'm sorry Maedana.