I'm at the training room early. Elyria is already there, so we decide to start training without Tyran. I put her on a strength test. She was getting stronger but she still had the arms of a white.

The strength test is a whole body test. It is a tall weight that Elyria must push over a line. It starts out very light weight, but quickly gets heavier. It has levels, from 1 to thirty. Elyria is still only on level 9. By the end of training, she needs to be on level 20 or above. Which is fairly difficult because of how small she is and how she still has the frame of an 8 year old.

We'll get there.

Tyran still isn't there at 8:00, fifteen minutes after he's supposed to be. Elyria is taking a break for a minute and she is constantly looking toward the door with concern. I ignore her anxiety, avoiding thinking about why Tyran was late, because I already know why and every time I think about it I struggle to breathe.

"Where is he?" Elyria asks when I tell her its time to go back to training.

I shake my head. "He probably took the day off."

She frowns at me, noticing the sudden exhaustion in my voice. "Why would he take the day off?" She asks with a stern voice, so its less of a question and more of a demand.

I shrug, trying to force down the lump in my throat. "Forget I said anything. You need to go back to training." I tell her and move to go past her.

She grabs my shoulder, stopping me. "What's going on Maedana? Why isn't Tyran here and why are you almost crying!" She says angrily.

I blink tears away and wrench my arm away, looking down at her. "No, Elyria. I'm not talking about it and you need to train. Hurry up."

She gives me a glare of confusion mixed with anger and concern. I glare back at her for a few seconds, then turn and walk back to the strength tester. I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath. It's okay, I tell myself, just breathe.

Elyria follows me over a moment later and we continue training. She doesn't say another word to me about anything other than training until lunch. We arrive at the pretty much empty dining hall at about 2:00 with the other trainers and students.

We get our food and take a seat at one of the small tables. I start talking to Elyria about what we need to work on and I'm just going through what we'll do in the afternoon when Tyran shows up. He walks straight over to us with a weary yet agitated look on his face. He doesn't even acknowledge Elyria, just stares at me. "F, we need to talk." He says. His voice is tired and hollow of emotion. I nervously nod and go with him outside.

We stop a few metres from the door and I shake my head. "What do you want Tyran?" I ask, keeping myself calm.

He sighs. "I want answers. All I know is that I woke up this morning and Reese's name was on the death board. I tried asking people about it but no one knows anything. I spent ages this morning trying to find out what is going on and I still don't know a thing."

I avoid his gaze and focus on breathing. He seems uncomfortable, but keeps on talking.

"I couldn't find her this morning. I looked everywhere. Maedana, I need you to tell me. Is it..." He trails off for a moment, then continues I a voice full of confusion and worry. "Is it true?" I look at him and his face shows so much hope. He wants me to say no. He wants me to tell him it's just a mistake and she's just working. But I can't say that.

My bottom lip starts to quiver and I feel tears behind my eyes. With a sick feeling in my chest, I nod. I see his face crumble, the hope slipping away.

"How did she die?" He asks, and I can see from the way his face is pinched that he is holding back anger.

"A gun to the head." I mutter in a sad voice.

He frowns, and I watch as his face morphs into a look of anger. "Who did it? Who killed her?!" He demands.

I shake my head, unable to speak, my throat getting tight again. I look at the floor an try to stop myself from breaking down like I did in the cafeteria.

He grabs my arm and yanks me closer towards him, so I'm forced to look him in the eyes. "Maedana, who killed her?! Whoever it is, I'll hunt them down and shoot them!" He says, almost on the verge of shouting.

A tear slips down my cheek. I shake my head again. "You can't shoot the person that killed her. She shot herself."

I can see from his face that he's confused. He's still angry but his grip on my arm softens, but his fingernails  are digging into my skin and I bite my lip from crying out in pain. "What the f*ck are you saying, F?" He asks. I take a deep breath and clench my eyes shut. It doesn't help though. The tears still fall out anyway. Tyran must see me crying and loosens his grip.

"Maedana. What do you mean, she shot herself?" He asks in a less harsh voice. I hear the anger gradually falling out, replaced by  fear.

"I saw it." I tell him, opening my eyes so I don't have such a vivid picture of her terrified face behind my closed eyelids. Instead, I look into Tyrans face. He looks confused, and terrified, and also, for the first time, he actually looks a bit sad. "I saw her just before she did it. I was... I was in the CD. Talking to the head guy, Colonel Howl or whatever his name is. Then someone came and told him that there was someone outside the cemetery entrance, so we went to look at the screen to see what was wrong." I pause for a moment and take a breath, then continue in a shaky voice. "Reese was on the screen. I don't think I understood for a while what was going on. She was holding a gun and talking to the camera. She knew we were down there obviously. She asked whether if there was anyone watching that they found me and told me that she was sorry." I imagine her voice in my head and I can't help but want to scream. Go back in time and tell her to stop. I see Tyran looking at me with a pained and angry face and I know I have to keep going. "She lifted her hand and pointed the gun at her head and I remember realising what she was going to do. And I needed to stop her. But I- I couldn't do anything. She shot the gun, and I heard the bang and ran. Medics came as well and tried to help her but it was pointless." I have to stop talking because I am struggling so much. I start sobbing and suddenly someone's hugging me. I realise it is Elyria and just get caught in the embrace. I cry into her shoulder, and she strokes my hair.

"You're alive Maedana." She keeps repeating. "You're alive."

I see Tyran leaning against the wall, looking lost and angry. I wish I could comfort him but I can't forget the way just a few minutes ago, he was digging his fingernails into my flesh. Maybe not intentionally, but I don't know what he would do if I even spoke to him. I'd just told him that his girlfriend - or ex-girlfriend - killed herself.

I wonder how he would react if I told him why. I wonder whether he already knows. Did he know? Did Reese tell him that she was a spy? Does he know that she killed Calix?

Or is he as clueless as me? Is he grief stricken right now because he is so confused as to why she did it.

Why did she shoot herself?

I feel sick in the stomach but I also feel he needs to know more. I wipe a hand across my wet cheeks and untangle myself from Elyria. "Can I have a word with Tyran privately?" I ask her.

She's hesitant to leave me, but she looks at how shattered Tyran looks then nods. She take a deep breath and looks me in the eyes. "You're alive." She says to me again quietly and squeezes my hand.

I nod and give her a weak smile. "I know. But Reese isn't and he deserves to know why."

She frowns frowns for a moment then it falls away and she nods. "Alright Maedana. But after you talk to him, you need to come back in and eat your lunch."

I nod and she glances at Tyran one last time then leaves. I turn towards him to find that he is staring at the ceiling with his eyes sealed shut, his face contort with emotion.

I take a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say. What did he need to know? I stand there awkwardly for a moment just thinking about what to tell him. Then he opens his eyes and looks at me. His look at me holds so many questions. I stay silent, not sure of what answers to give him.

Then he speaks.

"We didn't talk very much last night." He says in a pained voice. "I was really upset. I still am, although I don't really have the right to be. I guess, I just really liked her. We were really similar. Or I didn't like her that much, but I could relate to her." He stops for a moment and looks awak from me and at the ceiling. He starts talking again but with a different tone. Like he is remembering things. "We started going out for the attention and the popularity. It seems kind of stupid now, but it was a big deal for the new D to get with the most popular girl in the black block." He looks back at me and leans against the wall. "We both just went along with it for a while. We did the typical popular relationship stuff. We sat with each other at meals, made a few flirty comments and kissed once or twice around the group. But we never went a step further than that. We didn't need to."

They never went the next step? Does that mean that all those late nights I thought Reese was with Tyran, she was really with someone else? Guys I didn't know? I feel sick at the thought.

Tyran shakes his head. "We sometimes hung out alone together in the afternoon, at one of our rooms or down on ground level. But it was mostly just acting like friends I guess. She was really funny. Although sometimes she zoned out with this faraway look and didn't give me straight answers or anything." He looks pained and shakes his head angrily. "Why am I telling you all of this? It's not like you and I are friends."

I frown at him. "No, we aren't. But we were both friends with her."

He gives me an angry look. "Stop using past tense!" He says frustratedly.

"You've been referring to her that way for this whole conversation!" I point out and he shakes his
head, frowning.

"I have not." He says in an angry voice, sounding like a 5 year old.

"You have." I say, putting my hands on my hips and raising my eyebrows.

He keeps frowning at me. "How do I even know you're telling the truth. Reese is probably just sick for the day and you're playing some cruel joke. You made all that stuff up. She wouldn't shoot herself. She isn't suicidal." He says and I shake my head and drop my hands from my hips. I wasn't even mad at him. I didn't blame him for denying that she gave up.

"I didn't think she was either." I sigh and feel a lump build in my throat and tears pull at the back of my eyes. I lean against the wall and think about all the times I should have picked up on it. The comments I didn't give a second thought . The things I never saw. I feel so tired thinking about it.

Tyran stares at me silently. I feel the tears built up behind my eyes start to fall silently. I take a deep breath and wipe them away them look at him. We stare at each other quietly for a few moments then I exhale and look at my hands, feeling awkward.

"She had issues Tyran. She was-" I pause for a monent, thinking over my words carefully. "She suffered from depression. I never saw it because I was-" I take a deep breath and look at the wall opposite us. "I was always caught up in my own problems."

"Bullet lover." Tyran says, scowling.

I nod. "Yeah. But even before Calix I didn't notice anything. I've always been engrossed in a world of hatred and self-pity. I never even saw that she was trapped in her own." I look at him to see he isn't angry anymore but rather listening to me with a sad expression on his face.

I sigh and shake my head. "She didn't like being depressed. I don't think anyone would. She tried to stop it. She took drugs." I stop and close my eyes. "But the ways she got them just made her feel worse." I shake my head and look at him.

He is uncertain for a moment, then opens his eyes to talk. "Is that what she was doing with Jicks?"

I frown at him, confused. "Jicks?"

He shrugs. "You know... Jicks. Uh... His white name is Joel. The guy that admitted Reese had been forcing herself on him when Tala told everyone Reese was cheating on me."

Anger fills my chest. Tala told everyone? How did she even know? Force herself on Joel? "What the f*ck?" I say and Tyran looks uncomfortable. I roll my eyes. "If you think that is what happened you are dead wrong."

He shakes his head, frowning at me. "Then tell me what is really going on because right now, I don't know at all."

My anger evaporates and I feel bad for getting mad at Tyran. I exhale and look at him. "Alright. Reese took drugs. She got trapped in them. She relied on them for dealing with her pain. To get them she would give anything. Guys like Joel have taken advantage of that and made her into some sort of puppet that they can do anything to. Because of her cravings, she became a slave to them. She let them play with her just so she could ease the depression a bit."

Tyran looks so sad. "I wish I could have helped her."

I nod. "You could have. So could I. All of us could have helped her. But we didn't know. She hid it well."

"She was good at hiding things." He says in a sad voice.

I rub at my cheeks. "You have no idea." I mutter as I think about the letter.

"I did like her." He says and I am surprised at how much emotion is in his voice. "I didn't love her, but I liked her a lot. We were good friends. She was funny and I loved hanging out with her. I guess all I'm saying is that it was more than just a pitch for popularity. I liked her a lot."

I nod and sigh. "Yeah. So did I."

There is a moment of silence and then all of a sudden it just seems to hit me hard. She's gone. I stop breathing for a moment as I think about her. The way she would flick her hair over her shoulder subconsciously. The small grin she wore just before she cracked up laughing. The way that her grey eyes always seemed to be full of so much emotion. The witty comments she would make. The way she spoke like she knew everything. I would never see her again. She was dead. She shot herself in the head.

And I am the only person that truly knows why she did it.

I look at Tyran and feel like throwing up. He doesn't know she was a spy. He doesn't know that everything she learnt she leaked back to Aril Trey. He has no clue that she was the one that stabbed Calix. He doesn't know the depth of her depression. He doesn't know a thing about Reese.

Feeling lightheaded, I lean against the wall for support and shut my eyes tight. It doesn't help. Behind my closed eyelids I imagine her holding a knife. I imagine her hugging her knees and rocking back and forth, trying to rid the memory of Calix's body from her mind. I imagine her looking at the guns by the door and deciding to end it. I imagine her thinking of me and shaking her head. I imagine her torn apart, wanting to end the pain but not wanting to bring me more. I wonder when exactly she decided to leave.

Let me go Maedana! I'll only ever hurt you. I remember her saying this a few days ago, but I wouldn't let her go. She was hurting herself more than she was hurting me. I can't let her go. But she is already gone. The secrets hurt. They'll hurt you. The secrets hurt. She was right.

I ruined your life! I'm ruining your life still!

I didn't believe her when she said that. But finally I understand what she meant.

Reese has ruined my life.