My head pounds. I feel like screaming but I stop myself and focus on getting up. People rush to the door and I follow. My pace picks up and I can feel my heart pound in my chest. If I was fast enough I could save her.

My surroundings go blurry and times seems to speed up. As I run, I realise the crowd around me are wearing shocked faces. I don't fully understand what's going on. But I know I need to save Reese.

How sad it is that what I need to save her from is her own gun.

Surely she didn't shoot it. She wouldn't leave me.

I can't say I reach the bottom of the cemetery entrance first, because there are people already running up the stairs. I take notice of the people wearing red shirts. I remember how when I was in the CD hospital wing as a kid, all the medics wore red.

I know I should feel better because it means people are going to help her but I just feel sick, because it means they think she needs help.

They know where she shot that gun.

I reach the ground and burst into fresh air. Out here it is crazy. Who knew so many people in the CD could get up here, and so quickly. People swarm all over the place and I stumble around confused. Where was Reese?

I find a crowd of red, and start running towards them, but someone grabs my hand. I look back to see a puffed Tala, wearing a face of agony.

"Don't Maedana." She pleads and I try to pull away from her.

"Let me go!" I shout but Tala just grips me harder.

"No, Maedana. She wouldn't want you to see her like that." she says and I look away from her to the crowd of red. Tears fall across my cheeks and I feel a sob build in my throat.

"Stop it!" I scream at Tala. "Let me go so I can help her."

Tala shakes her head. She's crying silently, and her eyes are not only sympathetic, they're filled with pain.

I look back at the red mob and watch as they shift and clear a path for a sombre looking group of people carrying a stretcher. I expect to see her face, but I don't. They've covered the stretcher with a sheet of fabric. Tala finally let's me go and I run towards them. They don't respond to me, just keep walking and I try to uncover the stretcher. Just as I'm about to rip the fabric off of it, I see a black stain across the top part. Blood.

Shocked, I stop moving and drop the fabric. I see a sheet white hand fall out as they walk and I think that is when it finally sets in what just happened.

Reese just shot herself.

I watch like a statue, unable to move, as they continue walking. One tucks the hand back under the fabric, and then they're gone. I don't know where, they're just enveloped in the crowd.

I look back to where they had been crowded around to find it has thinned out and I see a pool of blood.

Feeling sick, I fall to my knees and look at the ground. I'm not aware I'm crying until Tala picks me up from the ground and pulls me into an embrace. Instead of fighting it, I just collapse onto her. I sob and sob, and I'm pretty sure she cries a bit. People move around us and I see Therei standing a couple of steps away, watching us with a sad look.

After a while, I don't know exactly how long, Tala pulls away and brings me over to a makeshift set of chairs and sits me down on one. She and Therei take another two, and we sit in silence. My throat is sore from crying and my cheeks are salty with tears.

The three of us just sit silently and watch as the people stream back into the CD. They clean up the blood, while some stand in clumps talking. I caught some occasional glances my way, and a couple of people actually came over and offered things, like blankets. I declined them all with a small shake of the head and they left. It is only when there were only eight or nine people left does Howell arrive. He carries a book in his hands and is followed by the woman from earlier, who looks at us sadly.

Howell walks up to us with a sombre expression on his face, gives what might be a sympathetic look to Tala and Therei, then his gaze falls onto me.

"Maedana, I need to speak to you." He says. I look up at him, expressionless.

"Then speak." I say, not knowing or caring what about.

He rolls his eyes. "Don't be a smart Alec. Get up and talk to me."

His tone is no-nonsense, so I reluctantly stand. He leads me away, and once we are a safe distance from prying ears, he stops.

"We need to discuss this rebellion, Maedana." He says and I stare at him unbelievingly. He holds up the book in his hands. It's a copy of something I remember from back in the days of the nursery, when I was borrowing books from the CD library and Electra. Mockingjay. He gives me a look. "Have you read this?"

I nod silently. He gives it to me.

"I want you to read it again." He says. "It's from back in the days when the world wasn't as it is now, but someone thought up something almost as bad. The themes are similar to what's going on in the complex right now. Rebellion. A system that's unfair. A force that needs to be taken down. It's all pretty relevant to the reality of what the world turned out to be."

I look at the book in my hands and run a finger along its spine. Howell sighs.

"Maedana, this is a war. It might not have set in yet for you but it is. And we need to know what side you are on in this imperfect war." He says, and I finally manage to swallow the lump in my throat.

"No." I whisper, and shove the book back into his hands.

He takes the book, looking confused. "No?"

I shake my head and speak up, my voice now more forceful. "No. You can't ask me this when Reese just- Reese just-" I struggle to get the words out. "When Reese just died!" I finish, a lump rising in my throat. Tears threaten to escape from my eyes, but I blink them away. "You can't ask me this after what just happenned!"

Howell wears a mildly annoyed face. "Look, Maedana, Reese gave us very valuable information. Her loss is very great. She was as important for the CD as she was to you-"

I don't let him finish. "Really? Did she ever wake you up from a nightmare and lie next to you until you fell asleep again? She did that for me when we were younger, too many times to count. Did you ever have her smile at you when no one else would? Because she always did that to me. Did you have her defend you from bullies, back when you barely knew each other? She did that for me too. Was it you that couldn't do anything but watch as she slipped away from you as you grew older? Did you feel hurt every time she rejected you, not knowing why? What about when she stared going out with Tyran, the boy you couldn't stand. I wonder whether you felt confused and concerned that your best friend and your enemy were dating. I'm pretty sure it wasn't you who grew up alongside her, or you that was there for her after years of her being there for you. So you can't f*cking say that the CD have lost more than I have because of her death."

I'm crying, the tears falling down my face like rain. I can barely choke out the last sentence.

Howell looks shocked, and a bit guilty. He sighs. "I'm sorry Maedana." He says, but in his voice is a tone of annoyance. He looks at the book in his hand, then back at me. "We need to know which side you are on." He says this as he holds out the book to me. "Remember what Reese's last words were? She asked you to keep reading. It will hold all the answers. What if she meant to read this? To join the CD?"

I shake my head. "No!" I exclaim. "Reese is dead and you can't use that against me. You can't twist what she said so you can pressure me into this! I'm not a part of this war, okay? It's yours to win or lose." I push the book back at him and take a deep breath, trying to control my tears. "You ask me what side I am on, and here is my answer. I am on neither side. I will not be your pawn, and I will not be Aril's. I am on Reese's side, the side of neither freedom nor peace."

He is silent for a moment, then shakes his head. "Don't let yourself fall like she did, Mae. We don't need another victim of depression."

I take one last look at the book in his hands, then turn and walk away. No one tries to stop me. No one asks me to stay. I look back for a moment, and see that the only person watching me go is Tala. My eyes fall to the place where Reese did it, and suddenly, I can't bear it anymore. I start running.

I focus on the wind in my face, trying not to fall over and the way my black boots hit the ground as I run, and that keeps me from fully breaking down. I don't know where I'm going until I'm there.

The wall.

It stretches out in front of me, vast and grey. It is so big, so overwhelming, I wonder how anyone could ever climb it. My eyes slowly fall upon the glass dome and the way the tiling of it makes the sky outside different. I look at all the stars and the moon, and that is when I finally stop trying to hold it in. I fall to the ground and cry. My throat is hoarse and my nose is blocked. I think about all the times Reese and I were together and I didn't talk to her. I never asked her if anything was wrong, even though I could always see that something was. All the times I could have helped her but didn't.

The number of opportunities I've had to do something but haven't is unbearable.

Maybe, if it wasn't for me, she'd still be alive. If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have shot herself.

If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have committed suicide.

It's that thought, more than anything else that pulls me apart.

The thought that I could have done something and didn't.

Now she's gone.