(THIS IS A BRIAR EPISODE, NO Y/N HERE (Gonna start including these))

[The episode begins in the Tree Fort. Finn is reading The Ooo Review while Briar sits next to him reading a book called "The Fault in our Stars" and Jake is trying to play a game on BMO, who is playing up-tempo electronic music and dancing.]

Jake: BMO, turn the music down. BMO! Turn it down!

BMO: [Increases volume.]

Briar: Hah! He did the exact opposite. Watch this, BMO? Honey? Could you please turn down the volume.

BMO: [Decreases volume.]

Jake: [Groans] Come on, BMO you're messing up my game!

BMO: [Continues dancing]

Jake: Hey, dude, can I borrow that paper?

Finn: Mm-hmm.

Jake: [Whistles; rolls up paper; hits BMO with it] Bad computer! No! No! [Music stops.] Now go sit in the corner and think about your life.

[Briar then grabs the paper and hits Jake with it.]

Jake: Owww!!!

Briar: Bad Jake! YOU go sit in the corner and think about YOUR life.

[BMO runs up and hugs Briar leg and she pats them on the head]

Jake: But I-

[Suddenly, a giant snail bursts through the wall.]

Snorlock: [Roars]

Finn/Jake: Snail attack!

Briar: Does this happen a lot Finny?

Finn: Uh no?

[They are rammed against the far wall.]

Finn/Jake: Aaaaaah! Oof!

Briar: FINNY! JAKE! Are you two okay?

Snorlock: [Crying and squirting fluids on Finn & Jake who are both coughing and gagging]

Briar: Okay, Finny [mumbles] I love you [normal voice] and everything, but I am not getting my dress covered in... that....

Finn: Oh, sick and that's fair Bria. Also what was that mumbling?

Briar: [blushing] Nothing!

Finn: Okay then...

Jake: Ugh!

Finn: Dude, how do you fight a snail?!

Briar: Salt, you got any?

Jake: [Stretches his arm and grabs a saltshaker] I got some right here! [Grunts, brandishes saltshaker] Don't make me use this, man!

Snorlock: Salt?! But I heard you guys were heroes.

Briar: Eh, those two are the heroes. I like to go Papa's route and consider my self an anti-hero. A little bit of good. A little bit of bad. A little bit of both.

Finn: She's right on her end. We are heroes. We thought you were trying to attack us. Why'd you break in here all mad, squirting that juice all over us?

Snorlock: It's not mad juice. It's sad juice. My name's Snorlock, and I'm sa-a-a-a-d! [Sobbing]

Finn: Stop squirting slime! Just tell us what's wrong!

[Briar then puts on a sweat vest and glasses and pulls out a book]

Briar: Dr. Briar, PHD. Tell the doctor what is wrong.

Snorlock: I need a girlfriend. I have no one to love.

Finn: Jake, Bria, hero huddle. [They huddle] What do you think?

Jake: I think our house is all jacked up.

Briar: Well that's obvious enough.

Finn: Yeah, but he's just an innocent goober looking for love.

Briar: [mumbles] He's not the only one here doing that....

Finn: What was that Bria?

Briar: Nothing... [mumbles] stupid dense cute idiot...

Jake: Yeah. Okay, let's help him. But he's got to lay off the house.

Briar: Yeah, Papa says he's tried of having to repair this house so much.

Finn: Right! [To Snorlock] All right, man. We'll help you hook up as long as you—

[Snorlock bursts through the wall.]

Briar: Papa is gonna be mad about that one...

Snorlock: Yay!

Finn/Jake: Whoa! Aaah!

[Briar, Finn, and Jake climb to observation boat.]

Jake: Lay off the house, man!

Snorlock: [Sadly] You guys... won't help me? [Whimpers]

Briar: Now no-one said that.

Finn: All right! all right! We'll help you, dude! Just put our house back!

Snorlock: Okay! Right after I get a girlfriend.

Finn: Aw! All right, you big crazy. It's a deal.

Snorlock: [Giggles]

Finn: Jake, what time is it?!

Jake: I don't know, but you're probably going to say...

Finn/Jake: Lady time! [LADY TIME screen card; Wolf whistle]

Bria: How many Times do you two have?

Finn/Jake: Yes.

Briar: [sighs]

Finn: Okay, Snorlock, if you want a lady, you have to be yourself.

Snorlock: How do I be myself?

Finn: Uh, how does he be himself, Jake?

Jake: Just do whatever you want, man, as long as it comes from the inside.

Briar: We girls love it when guys are themselves. We hate seeing guys trying to be someone they are not.

Snorlock: Like sad juice?

Briar: Hell no!

Jake: You keep that stuff inside you, brother. You just got to talk to 'em.

Snorlock: Oh. I never done that.

Jake: Finn, you see any hot mamas?

Briar: Be careful how you answer that one Finn...

Finn: [gulps] Yes Ma'am![Looks through telescope] Ummm... Baaaaaam!

Jake: Go talk to her!

Snorlock: Uhmm...

Briar: The worst she can say is no big guy.

Snorlock: [Sighs] Okay.

[Snorlock approaches Snail Lady.]

Snail Lady #1: Oh! [See's Snorlock and inhales gut] Hello.

Snorlock: Hi.

Snail Lady: Mm. You seem like a reasonable male. We should go to a movie sometime.

Jake: He's got this.

Finn: Yeah.

Snorlock: [Getting nervous] Uhh...

Briar: He doesn't have this at all.

Finn: How do you know.

Briar: Something neither you two will ever have.

Jake: What's that?

Briar: Women's Intuition. 

Snail Lady #1: I like old movies. [Chuckles]

Snorlock: Uh..uh uh...

Snail Lady #1: Um, are you okay?

Snorlock: [Screaming] Aaaaaaaaah! Girlfriend! Girlfriend!

Briar: Told ya...

Finn/Jake: Aaah!

[Scene: inside of shaking house, objects are falling and breaking.]

Briar: Oh god... papa is gonna kill all three of us...

Snorlock: Girlfriend! Girlfriend! Girlfriend! Girlfriend! Girlfriend! Girlfriend!

[Snail Lady quickly retreats.]

Finn: Dude! our house! We got to do something!

Briar: Or else papa is gonna kill us later!

Jake: Relax. I got it. Snorlock! Hey, Snorlock. You okay, buddy? Went a little nuts there, guy. You got to get that under control, 'cause you're scaring ladies and jacking up our house.

Snorlock: I'm sorry. Are you gonna leave me?

Jake: Aw, who could leave you? Come here, you big hot mess. [Hugs]

Finn: Break it up, you two! We have ladies to attend to!

Jake: Yeah, the ladies.

Snorlock: Talking to ladies is hard.

Briar: As a lady I can confirm, talking to us is quite hard.

Jake: No, it's not. Check it out, Snorlock. Finn, you be the guy snail, and I'll be... [Shifts to appear like a lady snail] the chick snail.

[Briar taps jake on the shoulder and whispers in his ear. He gains a smirk and nods.]

Jake: Actually Bria will be the lady snail.

Finn: [blushing] WHAT?!

Briar: [pretending to almost cry] Y-You don't want me to it?

Snorlock: [Whimpering]

Finn: Okay. I'll do it for this guy. [mumbles] and possibly for Bria...

Briar: Yay!

Finn: [Clears throat] What's up, lady snail?

Briar: Well, I'm just sitting here thinking about mating with snails.

Finn: No! I can't do this, Bria! I-am-out!

Briar: Here, Finn. This time you be the chick and I'll be the snail dude.

Briar:

Finn: Uh... WHA!

Briar: Mm-mmm! [Sniffs Finn's hand] mm-mmm! [Deep voice] Girl, you smell good. Did you take a bath in rainbows and cupcakes? Maybe we should go out sometime?

Finn: [Blushing heavily and growing more uneasy]

Briar:[going Yandere mode] Say "yes"! [High-pitched voice] Say "Yes"! [Deep voice] Say "YES"! [High-pitched voice] Say "Yes"!

Finn: Okay! Yes!

Briar: Yay! I got a date with Finny!

Finn: Wait what....

Jake: See, Snorlock? Talking to ladies is easy. Just act like me.

Finn: Are we going to ignore what just happened.

[Briar looks at him with a glare.]

Briar: What? You don't want to go on a date with me?

Finn: F-Fine! I will!

Briar: Yay!

Finn: [thinking] I am so dead... Y/n is going to actually kill me....

[Snorlock approaches another Lady Snail]

Snorlock: Uh... girl, you smell good.

Snail Lady #2: You can smell me?

[Snorlock nervously looks to Briar, Finn, and Jake, who give thumbs up.]

Snorlock: May I smell you more?

Snail Lady #2: Uh, okay.

Snorlock: [Sniffs] Cupcakes...

Snail Lady #2: Uh, I have to go.

Snorlock: Did you take a bath?

Snail Lady #2: Don't ever talk to me again.

Snorlock: Please don't go! Don't go! Aww.

Jake: Aw, it's okay, buddy. Come here and give us a hug.

Snorlock: Man, I wish you guys were ladies.

Finn: Uhh.

Briar: I will ignore that comment.

Jake: Stay focused, Snorlock. You have any cool talents that ladies might like?

Snorlock: No.

Jake: Umm, hey, Finn, teach him how to use swords. Briar always love this one.

Briar: It's true, I do.

Finn: [Preforms stabbing motions and flips] Yah! yah! yah! yah! Yaaaah! hyah!

Briar: Perfect! I love it!

Jake: Do you think you can do that, Snorlock?

Snorlock: I don't know.

Jake: Hmm. Maybe you're musical. Can you do this? [Inhales deeply, begins beatboxing] Try doin' all that.

Snorlock: Hmm. [Grunts, grows arms, grabs the swords then begins beatboxing and twirling swords]

https://youtu.be/Opv5onIFVxI

Finn/Jake : Whoo-hoo! yeah!

Snail Lady #3: My word, Eleanor! What is that alluring sound?

Eleanor: I have no idea.

Jake: Yeah, Snorlock! Show us that talent!

Finn: Whoo-hoo!

Briar: Lay down that beat!

[A herd rushes over in the quintet's direction.]

Briar: Oh my god...

Snail Ladies: Oh, my! What is that? What is that wonderful sound? Do I see swords?

Finn: Jake, Bria, these chicks look pretty serious.

Jake: Let's just let Snorlock do his thing. Go to it, buddy! [Grabs Finn and sits on top of observatory boat while Briar floats up to it.]

Snail Ladies: [Snorlock beatboxing continues] Ahh! Ooh! Ahh.

Jake: Look at him go! Bringing in the ladies.

Finn: Uh, he's bringing in a lot of ladies.

Briar: Way too many ladies.

Snail Ladies: [Crowding around Snorlock and begin grinding on him] Mm!

[Scene: inside of shaking house, objects are falling and breaking, BMO is sliding around.]

Finn/Jake: [Both screaming]

Briar: SNAILGRINDQUAKE!

Finn: Snorlock! These ladies are ruining our tree house! Stop!

[Snorlock continues beatboxing as the Snail Ladies kiss him.]

[The continuous grinding wrecks the house even more and sends Briar, Finn, and Jake outside of the observation boat. Briar manages to catch them both and help land them on the ground.]

Jake: Wedge, dudes!

Finn: [Grunting] [Sticks sword into house's top to pull it off Snorlock]

Briar: [Does the same with Blood and Ebony]

Jake: [Grunting] It's no use, man. It's stuck with snail slime.

Finn: [Gets shoved back and forth between the Snail Ladies]

Jake: Finn! Aah! [Also gets shoved back and forth between the Snail Ladies]

Briar: Jakey! Finny! [manages to dodge]

[Finn & Jake land hard on the ground and then stand up. Briar runs next to them.]

Finn: How are we gonna get our house back?

Jake: [Jake flashes back to the salt shaker, cue Snorlock yelling "Salt!"] Dude, I'm going in.

Briar: [Stopping Jake] No... this is my job...

Finn: Wha? Bria! No! You'll get slimed or grinded on!

Briar: I'm Papa's Daughter that ain't gonna happen. [Runs and then jumps into the house window] Hmph!

[She grabs the salt shaker and dives back outside to a waiting Finn and Jake.]

Finn: [Gasps as he sees what Briar has] [Nods]

Briar: Your turn Jake. [hands the Salt Shaker to Jake]

Jake: Right.

Jake: Snorlock, I'm gonna give you till the count of three, mister!

[Snorlock continues.]

Jake: One, two, three!

[Snorlock continues.]

Briar: Oh he's done it now. You never let anyone get to 3.

Jake: Fine. I didn't want to have to do this. [Taps out a single grain of salt onto his palm] [Inhales deeply and then blows it in Snorlock's direction]

[The beatboxing slows as the salt approaches. Snorlock spots it and the beatboxing stops. The grain lands and leaves a huge burn mark.]

Snorlock: Aaaaaah! [Bucks the house off his back] Ow! ow! Owwwwwww!

Snail Lady #4: Oh, my gosh! He's naked!

Snail Ladies: [Laughter]

Snorlock: What? I'm naked? But I've never had a shell.

Jake: Snorlock, you never had a shell? That means you're not naked. You're a slug!

Snorlock: Me, a slug?

Finn: Yeah, man. That's why you have trouble with snail chicks. You need slug chicks.

Snorlock: [Pouting] I don't known any slug chicks.

Slug Lady: Actually, I-I'm not really a snail. I'm a slug. My shell's made of peppermint.

Snorlock: [Laughs happily]

[Scene: Snorlock and Slug Lady smooching]

Finn: That's gross!

Briar: Yeah...

Jake: I don't know why they have to make out so close to our house.

Finn: I don't know. Come on, let's finish rebuilding it before Y/n gets back. 

Briar: I got some ear plugs you two can borrow, Mama taught me how to turn off my hearing.

[Up-tempo electronic music plays]

Finn: Where's that music coming from?

BMO: [Watching the two slugs] Go! go! go! go!

Finn: BMO! Get over here and help us rebuild the tree house.

Jake: Yeah. You live here, too!

Briar: Let him be guys.

BMO: [Increases volume]

Briar/Finn/Jake: Oh, BMO!

[BMO then gets sprayed by Slime. Briar sighs and cleans him off.]

Briar: Alright now let's get back to building before-

[A cough is heard. Briar turns around to see Y/n standing with his arms crossed.]

Briar: Papa gets...back...

Y/n: You three want to explain.... WHY THE HOUSE IS IN RUINS AGAIN?!

[Briar, Finn, and Jake all gulp and chuckle nervously as the episode ends]