https://youtu.be/9XaS93WMRQQ

Another head hangs lowly

Child is slowly taken

And the violence causes silence

Who are we mistaken?

"I don't know if he'll ever be the same," you sighed with a subtle shrug, "I mean, after Ultron happened and he disappeared to Sakaar for so long, I wasn't sure if I'd ever see him again. Bruce was always so welcoming when I'd visit the lab and so excited to teach me whatever project he was working on, and together it was just easy, you know? I can't remember the last time I had seen him without a smile before that. But now..."

"He's different," you friend agreed. "After what he saw Thor go through, and then losing everyone in Wakanda...it's going to take a pretty big toll."

What was left of the team had just returned from their battle against Thanos in T'Challa's country, but they were ghosts of their former selves. It wasn't only Bruce who had suffered this transformation, and he wasn't the only one you feared might not return from it. Steve's eyes no longer had the sparkle of blue that never failed to elicit a stare or two from you. Natasha barely spoke anymore. Clint had come back, but he wasn't Clint; he was a broken, darker version of one of your closest friends. Thor spent much of his time alone now, taking walks around the grounds that sometimes went from sunrise to sunset.

And then there was Tony.

No one knew where Tony was, or if he had even survived the snap. That may have been the final insult to an already open, hemorrhaging, emotional wound that each of them carried. The original six Avengers were trying to pull themselves together again, to be the team the universe needed them to be, but without him, it was like none of them could be a complete person, and they were immobilized by their grief.

Your hand shook as you took your cup into it, bringing it to your lips hesitantly while your mind continued to churn and spit terrible thoughts of your friend's fate. He could be completely alone with no one to save him after he had saved so many, including you. He could be dead, and none of you would know. You had tried to talk to Bruce about Tony but he wouldn't engage; it shut him down and left you standing alone in a desolate lab with equipment gathering dust in its lack of use.

"He paces back and forth all day, lost in his own head. He walks the halls like a zombie. He's not Bruce anymore."

~~~

You wanted to talk to Bruce about your anxieties, but he was becoming a hard man to find of late; most of your remaining teammates were much the same. They had retreated into their own minds, filled with worry about what could still be to come and if there was anything that they could do to ease the pain they felt. They had been obsessing over how they might save those they had lost, but they had yet to find a reasonable, possible plan that went beyond the desire to grasp at desperation to make it work. You decided to wait a day or two before approaching him as to not push, but of course, your visiting friend was too astute as to how it was affecting you and seemed to be an ever-present instigator.

"He's in the conference room," she pointed to the doorway behind you, "you should talk to him before you can't find him again."

"I'm not going to bother him while he's working. He's been having a hard enough time focusing lately as it is without me being a distraction."

"You said so yourself, he's not Bruce anymore, and if you care about him like you say you do, don't you want to do whatever you can?"

"Of course," you shrugged. "But look at him, he's..." you paused, your voice fading away. You never finished the thought though, your attentions shifting as you watched him work. You had never known anyone like him before, his genius unmatched until you met Tony. Even then, you had known Bruce before the Avengers found him, and your loyalty to the man was unwavering. So much so, that when the team took him in, he wouldn't agree to go unless you were there at his side.

"He's what?"

"Hmm?" you mumbled absentmindedly.

"I said," your friend snickered, "he's what? You never finished what you were saying."

"Oh, right," you shook your head, clearing your mind to rejoin the moment, "yeah...um, I was gonna say he's so...distant. He keeps staring at the pictures of missing people for hours on end."

"Sure, that's what you were gonna say. Right."

You turned back to her to try to explain your inattentiveness away, because it was bad enough that even she knew about the feelings you had harbored for the doctor for the years that you had known him. You could never tell him that, because all it would do was incite his guilt for not being able to reciprocate, denying you a life that he could never provide. It was a discussion that you had shared in a general tone, though he didn't know that it was about you at the time.

"(Y/N), how long have you known him?"

"I don't know...years. I haven't really kept count."

"And in all that time, never once did he realize that you cared about him?" she pressed, taking a step closer. "Never once did he get so much as a hint that you love him?"

"No, and he won't. He can't. Bruce has too much going on, and the last thing he needs is me-"

"Maybe you're exactly what I need."

"Oh...oh, god, no," you groaned under your breath, staring at your friend with terror in your eyes, "oh, no, no, no. Bruce..." you slowly turned to face him, but by the time your body could shift around far enough, the hallway was empty with no trace of him.

~~~

But you see, it's not me

It's not my family

In your head, in your head, they are fighting

With their tanks, and their bombs

And their bombs, and their drones

In your head, in your head, they are crying

What's in your head, in your head?

Zombie, zombie, zombie

What's in your head, in your head?

Zombie, zombie, zombie

There was no way that you'd find sleep now, after the epic failure that you had created for yourself with Bruce earlier that day. Not only was your mind racing and unwilling to silence itself so that you could rest, but it seemed that the moon was in on the plan too; the bright beam of its glow filled your room and taunted you with a peacefulness that it wasn't actually going to provide.

Silent steps carried you to the kitchen, doing your best to not wake anyone as you foraged through the cabinets and the refrigerator for anything that might calm your stomach and force your mind to sleep. Pushing items aside over and over, as if the choices would change, you muttered annoyance under your breath; no one was sleeping much lately, and it would seem that everyone had gone through this same process before you had your turn. A few gentle, shuffling steps behind you startled you from your search, pushing yourself up to look over the refrigerator door at your guest, only to drop you back behind it as if it would be at all helpful in hiding you now.

"Hey, Bruce," you coughed nervously, "listen...about what I said earlier-"

"No Banner, only Hulk."

His voice was unnaturally deep, and at first you were certain that your lack of sleep and sudden onset of starvation caused you to hallucinate that he was even there at all. You peeked over the door again, and sure enough, it was Bruce looking back. "What did you say?"

"Hulk thirsty."

"Oh, okay..." you stammered, grabbing a water and slowly closing the door. You pushed your back to it and held steady, even though you couldn't stop the anxious tremor in every muscle. The dryness in your throat was trying to choke the words from your voice, and it would have succeeded if it hadn't been for Bruce staring back and waiting for more. You hurried to remove the cap and toss it aside, resisting the urge to drink it yourself and slowly handing the bottle over. "Um...Hulk...do you talk while Bruce sleeps very often?"

"No. When Banner upset, Hulk gets to talk."

"He's upset?"

"Mmm," he mumbled into the bottle as he drank, "about you."

"Great, I knew it, me and my big mouth."

The Hulk made short work of his drink, handing the empty container back to you. When you reached out to accept it, you were taken aback by the sensation of his hand keeping hold of yours, and you nearly pulled away before realizing what was happening. "Banner scared. Afraid you will leave now. Not know what to say to keep you here."

"No, Hulk, I'm not leaving. I would never leave when he needs me," you argued quickly, "or you. I'm here for you too."

"Okay," he accepted readily and let you go. "Hulk needs to sleep now. Goodnight, (Y/N)."

"Goodnight, big guy." It hurt your heart to watch Bruce walk away under the direction of another, knowing that he would fully wake in the morning with no idea of what had just happened. His movements were slow and sloppy, and his expression was blank. You had put him into this state, and you would have to be the one to pull him back out from it.

~~~

Another mother's breakin'

Heart is takin' over

When the violence causes silence

We must be mistaken

It's the same old theme

In two thousand eighteen

In your head, in your head, they're still fightin'

With their tanks, and their bombs

And their guns, and their drones

In your head, in your head, they are dyin'

"Doctor," you greeted as you entered the lab the next morning, and the formality wasn't lost on him in the least. "I brought you a coffee to get the day started." Hurried feet carried you across the room, an anxious skip in a step leaving you feeling exposed to him, as if even the slightest error was giving you away and hurtling you head-first into a conversation that neither of you wanted but both knew was desperately needed.

"T-thank you, (Y/N)."

"Anytime," you smiled, reaching out to set the cup next to his work, though you were forced to stop when his hand met yours just as you released the drink, nearly spilling it if it weren't for your fast reflexes. "Woah, that was close."

"Shoot, yeah...sorry about that," he flustered, "I guess it's a good thing that one of us was paying attention."

"Guess so."

Bruce was still holding your hand as the two of you stood in silence, completely enveloped in a foreign awkwardness. You could hear your heartbeat growing louder as it pounded in your skull, but not so loudly that you couldn't hear his trying to find its rhythm to match yours. The moment of eternity was just that, and time had stopped to trap you both in this self-induced hell, leaving you with no idea of how to act around a man who had become your best friend; he was your other half for all intents, but now he felt like a limb that had just been amputated.

"(Y/N)-"

"Bruce-" you both blurted out in unison, but you were the one to relent and allow him to go first.

"(Y/N), I have to apologize for the Hulk last night. I had no idea that I was a sleepwalker, much less that he was the one taking me for the walk in the first place. I hope that whatever he said didn't upset you."

You looked down at your still-connected hands and pulled yours back, taking a step away at the same time. "Um, no...no he didn't at all. He was actually really...sweet. He held my hand too."

"The Hulk was sweet?" Bruce asked skeptically. "Now that's one I haven't heard before."

"Right? I mean, he gave me a little insight, is all. But listen, I really need to apologize for what you overheard in the hallway yesterday when I was talking to my friend. I'm sorry if it upset you, and if you think it best that we don't work together on the team anymore-"

"I would never think that," he broke in, urgently reaching out for you again, but you kept just beyond the reach of his fingers. "(Y/N), with everything that's happening, and everything that did...I can't...I can't lose you too. It would be too much." Bruce reached out one more time but this time he pulled himself back, looking at his hand with sad eyes and the understanding that it was never meant to touch you in the first place. He was a beast and not the one you should be feeling this way for. "I'm sorry. It's just that when it happened....when the snap stopped echoing and people started to disappear...you were the first person I thought of. If you had been lost too...I know that I couldn't come back here. Knowing that you made it and that you were here waiting for me was what kept me going. It's what keeps me going even now."

"Those were the longest hours of my life, waiting to hear from you," you agreed softly.

"But," he sighed heavily, standing straighter in resolve to push away, "we're both here. And we need to work as a team to get our friends back. We need...I need you with me to keep me in line like you always do, (Y/N). I think clearer when you're here." With that, he gave a defeated and pitiful smile, nodding in his own agreement before turning back to work as if that had taken care of anything; all it had actually done was confuse and anger you.

"That's it? That's all you've got?"

"What?"

"I'm only here to keep you in line? You were worried that I didn't make it because I help you get your work done?"

"No...n-no of course not-"

"That's what you just said."

"That's not what I meant-"

"Then what did you mean, Bruce?" you pushed. "There aren't that many ways to interpret it. I keep you in line, that's what you said."

"Yes, that's what I said, but it's more..." he stopped, and you could see the frustration building in every fiber of every muscle of his body. It wasn't the time of frustration and anger that would call upon the Hulk to fix for him, but the kind that would wear him down and close his walls around him if you didn't act quickly. This was a one-time shot at a conversation that had been years in the making.

"Hey, it's okay," you reassured, closing the space between you to finally take his hand in yours with a grip that dared him to let go. "You can talk to me."

"(Y/N), what are you doing? Why me? I can't give you...there's no...t-there's no future with me. You've seen me...you've seen Hulk, and what he can do. What I've done. I can't give you the life you deserve. Especially now, with everything going on...I don't know how..."

"Bruce, this isn't all on you to fix. Just because Tony isn't here, it doesn't mean that you have to take over carrying his guilt. He wouldn't want you to. Hell, he'd feel guilty for making you think that you had to. You're not always going to know what to do."

"But I don't even know where to start!" he snapped. His expression looked nothing like him, but almost as if the Hulk were trying to break through him just to better make the point of how he was feeling. To show you the visceral, debilitating pain and remorse that he was carrying with him. He tried to free himself from your grip, but you wouldn't release him. He tried to look away, but your eyes followed his and wouldn't let him shy away from you so easily. You didn't want to have this conversation either, but it was happening and you had to hold your resolve.

"(Y/N)," Bruce tried again, his speech and breathing becoming calmer under forceful concentration, "I appreciate your understanding, I do. So please, understand that this isn't about how I feel. I can't give you what you want even despite how much I want to give it, and you have no idea how difficult it is for me to admit that. I'm not the same..."

"No, but you are. I thought I had lost you, that what happened to you in Wakanda had taken you to where I couldn't reach. But you're here now, and I'm not willing to let you go so easily."

"(Y/N)-"

"Bruce, how do you even know what I want? You've never asked."

He looked around the room, his eyes darting from item to item, searching for words that just wouldn't come. It was rare for him to not have what he needed to say readily available, but he was like that all too often when you were there; he had just become more astute in hiding it. He had become skilled at hiding his crush, and hiding the feelings he had been denying for just as many years as you had. Clearly, those days were over. "What do you want, (Y/N)?"

"I just want you, Bruce."

"What if you were right the first time? What if I'm not really me anymore? Even I don't know for sure."

"Then I'll take whoever you are now. It's always you."

What's in your head, in your head?

Zombie, zombie, zombie

What's in your head, in your head?

Zombie, zombie, zombie