https://youtu.be/zsCD5XCu6CM

Unplanned Sequel to "Say Something" way back in Book One 

I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

After Steve finished the letter, and after he had failed to utter a single syllable in response, there was nothing left for you to do but to walk away. God, how you wanted to stay; to stand in that doorway and wait forever for him to say something, but you couldn't. He just stared at you, mute and hurt with a pain in his eyes that you had caused, though you justified it as self-defense. You had told yourself it was self-preservation, and that your relationship had nowhere else to go but deeper into the suffering that you brought to each other.

You waited in the library for hours, where you were able to see the door of your shared room so that you could see when he left, which you knew he would. You knew that he would retreat to his safe space, in the gym, with fists wrapped to hit until they bled. He could be down there for hours at a time, giving you a chance to pack your things and to move into one of the guest rooms until you could be assigned to a full suite of your own.

This room held nothing of you; no personality, no warmth, no depth, nothing other than fancy linens that Pepper had dressed in every guest room, and décor that was simple yet elegant to keep anyone from overstaying their welcome. You would definitely be one of them, resolving to speak to Tony first thing after your eyes opened in the morning. You put your belongings along the wall in a heap, your body and mind both too exhausted to do anything more, taking a t-shirt to sleep in before crawling into bed. It was a bed that was cold not only from lack of use, but lack of Steve at your side. The man was like a furnace with his fast metabolism, and your own body had become accustomed to the temperature over the last five years next to him.

Pulling the blankets up and over your head gave you a false sense of protection, but what, or who, you were hiding from, was three floors away and you knew that you were the last person he wanted to see right now. You were safe.

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the way, everyone is looking at me
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

It didn't take long for the skin to split and spill his blood after Steve began his strikes, the anger built within him to such a rage that he wasn't even sure if it was the impact that tore at him, or if he was about to combust from the strain of what he was feeling. No one could make him hurt like you could. No one could make him so infuriated that everywhere he looked was red, and the sounds around him were deafened by his pounding heartbeat. But still, no one could make him so happy either. No one had ever loved him the same way that you did, and he had never loved someone so easily.

Oh, how he had screwed this up. He didn't want to fight with you any more, he just didn't have it in him. That's why he didn't say anything when you had asked him to; the words wouldn't come, and he feared that if any had, they would be the wrong ones, and it was better to stay silent. Staying silent meant there might be hope; a chance that he could find better words and that you would listen. He didn't want to fight, but he had no idea how to make this right, either.

One bag would succumb to his fists and drop sand to the ground that covered his feet, and then another, and another, until it just became a waste of equipment. He felt no better, and the release was just spending his energy to no effect. Steve finally stopped and looked down at his hands, slowly pulling the wraps away and dropping the red soaked tape to the ground with a quiet wince under his breath. He left them there, turning and walking through the door as if in a trance, his feet taking him to the only place that he wanted to be; the only place that he needed to be if he hoped to find his way back to himself.

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything 'til I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

"You were right."

You didn't jolt at the sound of Steve's voice in the dark; even in the room that wasn't your own, it wasn't a shock that he would find you there. Without turning towards him, you pulled the blankets from your face and simply waited for more.

"I was so wrapped up in my own problems, that I didn't see what it was doing to us. I got so stuck in my head that I couldn't hear what you were saying."

"Which was?" you finally whispered back.

"That I expected you to take my orders without question. I expected you to follow me like I expected of everyone else, when what I should have expected...what I should have seen...was that you were my partner. You belonged at my side, not two steps behind."

"Steve-"

"Your letter said that I didn't think you were important, and that I eclipsed you."

"I didn't feel like I was what you needed, Steve. There are things going on that only you can answer for yourself, and I was just...I was getting in the way of that."

"But you weren't," he argued, and you could hear the soft shuffle of his feet as he moved closer. "I was getting in the way of myself. You were the one to see it. You were the one to see past all of the crap I carry around every day, and you could see over every wall that I put up. You know me like no one else does, and I took that for granted. I never stopped to see what it was really doing to you. I never thought..."

"That I would leave. Who would have the audacity to leave Steve Rogers?"

"Come on, (Y/N), that's not it at all. I never thought that I would be the one to break your heart when you trusted me with it so easily. And to do it so completely...I can't forgive myself for that, and I don't expect you to, either."

"I can't keep talking without seeing you," you sighed heavily. Pushing up to sit, you turned on the bedside lamp, giving a warm glow to a room that still felt frigid to you. "Steve, I can't fight with you anymore. That's all we do. We fight, we make up, then fight again. It's exhausting."

Steve rushed forward, with a hand extended to take yours, just like he had done a thousand times before, but the look on your face stopped him short to drop it at his side. "I don't want to fight either, (Y/N), I don't. What I do want, what I need...is to make this right. I need to know what to do. Please, tell me what to do."

"There's no quick solution. No words that can magically fix this. We know that from all of them that we've thrown at each other like daggers over the years."

"There has to be something. This can't be it."

His eyes were so pleading, so scared, in a way that you had never seen from him before. Even during the worst battle that you had fought at his side, this was a new kind of fear. It felt conceited to think that losing you would bring this about in a man as brave as he was, but that's exactly what was happening. It was playing into your empathy, that was certain, even if he wasn't planning on that being his angle. What you knew was that the silence was getting heavier the longer it lasted, and you were already exhausted beyond reason. It was a long shot, and a definite leap of faith that this wasn't quite over, but you lifted the other side of the blanket to allow him in.

"Are you sure?" he asked softly.

"No."

"Okay." Steve looked down at himself, assessing if he should run back to your shared room to change from his gym clothes or not, but he couldn't risk losing this opportunity. He made his way around to the other side of the bed, his eyes never leaving yours, until the moment he slid in next to you and his head rested on the pillow, watching you even as you turned out the lights to surround you in darkness once again. "Say something, (Y/N)."

"I haven't given up on you, Steve."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"I'll take it," he sighed under his breath, finally closing his eyes when they refused his need to stay open. "Goodnight, (Y/N)."

"Goodnight, Steve."

I wanna heal, I wanna feelwhat I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong